• So the weather is nice outside, and that means the groundhog that lives under my shed is starting to venture out, much to the dismay of my next-door neighbor, some old guy named Steve. He doesn’t care too much for the groundhog because he has this mini-garden in which I guess the groundhog helps himself to every now and then. When I first moved here in 2004 Steve told me that there used to be another groundhog living in my yard, along with some baby groundhogs. After successfully catching the female groundhog in some cage trap, he killed it and took the babies out to some field. Now I like Steve and all, but he seemed taken aback when I replied, “Why did you have to do that for?” Seriously, what was the point of letting out some baby groundhogs after you killed their mother? I could understand leaving them all out in a field, but you pretty much gave the younglings a death sentence. This may be the hippie inside of me speaking, but why whenever we’re inconvenienced in the slighted by some animal just trying to survive there’s this inclination to kill? If only we could be that flexible with the human race. A while back I talked about this in a TSM thread, and my opinions on this matter haven’t changed; in fact, they probably got worse in regards to my feelings on the human race. Here's what I said:
As for the male groundhog, I saw him out yesterday afternoon munching on some grass, walking right by the trap Steve has laid out for him, which is on my property. I doubt he’ll go into that contraption, seeing what it did to his former shed-mates. However, if I ever do see him in that cage, he's going to be released, not killed.
• So before this years’ NFL draft there was talk around Shittsburgh about getting Lendell White from USC with the Steelers’ first-round pick. However, the problem was, at least to all the so-called “experts” around these here parts, that White came with some personal baggage (or something of that nature; I don't know this player so I'm just repeating what was said around here). So with their first pick, Shittsburgh picked some receiver from Ohio State. And what does this guy do over the Father’s Day weekend? Why, he gets arrested for domestic violence. I’m sure a contemporary, understanding family like the Rooneys will understand the hardships of today’s NFL players. Contract talks should be more interesting; at least this got Big Ben’s motorcycle accident off the front page for now.
• Speaking of Pennsylvania, I heard that the Speaker of the House who helped organize some bitch-ass legislator pay raise a year or so ago held a recent news conference. He defended this raise, which took place in the middle of the night, by saying that cow milkers in one county made $55,000/year. This article went on to say that the average Pennsylvania wage was $38,000 in 2005. However, even if a cow milker did make $55,000 – so fucking what? You bitches in Harrisburg make more than $70,000/year, and this doesn’t include the per diems, free vehicles, mileage, and other perks. Oh, and this line made me laugh, too.
Once again, so fucking what? If that tattoo shop owner provides a service that his customers appreciate, runs his business, pays his taxes, and makes a nice profit from this profession, then more power to him (or her). What has the Pennsylvania legislature done, besides raise my taxes? Faggot-ass bitches.
Here's another gem this asshole said:
If my state representative can’t make do on $70k/year, then I sure as hell don’t want him to oversee fiscal responsibility of the ENTIRE STATE. Then again, maybe this is just on-the-job training for a Congressional or Senate campaign.
• Yeah, you heard me, Smitty. I’m tired of your fucking power trip. Make fun of me because I have a liking for soccer. Goof on the fact that I contribute nothing in terms of intellectual discourse to this place. However, all your “queer” jokes got thrown out the window after I read this little gem.
Napoleon Dynamite? I bought this movie for $5 last year because I heard good things about this film. And then I actually watched this piece of shit. What was the fucking point of this movie? The whole time I’m waiting for some payoff that will make the 90 minutes I spent viewing this unfunny crap worthwhile, and what do I get? Some white boy who makes me look like finalist to the show “Breakdancing with the Stars.” One reason I do not trade in movies, CDs or video games that I purchase is because I always say to myself there will that time in the future when I’ll feel like watching/listening/playing this forgettable purchase. Napoleon Dynamite is really making me take a long, hard look at this policy. And this is coming from someone who has purchased (and still has!) Shaq Fu: The Return.
• OK, I feel for people who fall onto hard times, but there’s a difference between “hard times” and “being an idiot.” I was reading Sunday’s local newspaper, and there was this article about how more people are getting their homes foreclosed (damn you George W. Bush and your tax cuts for the rich). The reasons? Well, there are layoffs. I’ll buy that one. Cost of utilities? OK, now you’re starting to lose me. If you can’t afford a rise in your electric bill or afford gas that’s a dollar or two more per gallon than it was a few years ago, then you certainly can’t afford, and shouldn't have purchased, a $100,000+ house. However, what made me outright yell at this article was the following:
Well no fucking shit. Anyone that gets an adjustable rate mortgage has no reason to bitch when interest rates go up and you have to pay more for your mortgage payments. That’s the whole point of an adjustable-rate mortgage; to fuck you over when interest rates increase. If I ever was put in the situation of having an adjustable rate, I’d sure as fuck be aware of when my rate would increase. It’s bad enough property and school taxes constantly get increased; you don’t need the biggest purchase of your life to drastically fluctuate in cost due to a tweak of a percentage point or two.
It got even better. Just below this article was one by columnist Jeff Brown of the Philadelphia Inquirer talking about the risks of adjustable rate mortgages. In his second paragraph, he says that more people than ever are applying for adjustable-rate mortgages. I guess this means that in another year or two, we’ll hear about how the wretched economy is kicking people out of their homes when in fact these people did it to themselves. I also bet these people bought SUVs, only to bitch when the cost of gasoline rises.
• Because I wake up at the BUTT crack of dawn for work, I normally don’t get to watch sporting events that take place past 10 p.m. However, several times this NBA season I got to watch the Finals on replay early in the morning. But this I don’t get: ESPN cuts the running time of the previous night’s Finals game because of time constraints. Understandable. But what don’t they cut? The 20 minutes spent taking time-outs at the end of a close game. Can’t we skip the sideline huddles and watch more on-the-court action; even it wasn’t taking place during the last minute of a game?
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 84: Crono T
Every now and then a poster comes around that changes everything, that rewrites all the rules. With the number 84 spot I proudly announce the emergence of one CronoT. Now I know what you're saying, "How in the hell did Crono make this oh-so-prestigious list?" The answer is simple. Not many people have been able to produce the kind of quality than our very own Mr. T used to. Let us take just a brief trip down memory lane.
-- Czech, I'm tired of your fucking power trip.
-- A fucking moron writes a GTA:SA "Walkthrough."
-- Commenting about the view-to-reply ratio of his threads. Example 1, Example 2, Example 3, Example 4, Example 5, and Example 6
-- Not being able to survive without TSM during Monday Night Raw.
-- Looking out for the welfare of our children by fighting televised obscenity.
-- Weeping over a very emotional flash movie.
-- Going after illegal video game distributors at your local mall.
-- Refusing to take part in America's civic duties.
-- When not bulking up by pushing shopping carts back into Wal-Mart stores, Crono was making fun of the Sony corporation for premature advertising.
While some are glad Crono is gone, I am not one of these people (although there are rumors that he has returned under a different name, however, it won't be the same). Hell, it's not everyday that someone on this list gets their very own entry. And if it wasn't for Crono T, I would have no idea what the "Frog Ending" means. So, with a tip of the cap and a moment of silence, let us take this time to remember a former cornerstone of our TSM family.
When you're good enough to get the Best Ending, the Frog Ending, and the Secret Ending, then we'll talk. Until then, keep on digging, Watson.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Porter:
From King of the 909:
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 85: Ant 7000
In honor of Bill Lester, who will be mentioned later on in this entry, I’d like to say that Ant700 is THE FIRST BLACK POSTER TO MAKE IT IN KKK’S TOP 103 POSTERS LIST SINCE WILLIY T. RIBBS 20 YEARS AGO. I normally don’t agree with Ant on race-related issues, but he speaks so well. Besides, he knows his rap music. I may not know who today’s young rappers are, but I’m with Ant in saying peace out to Ol' Dirty Bastard. Also, he tries his hardest to answer that age-old question: "Why do black men go after fat white girls?"
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From EricMM:
• Someone from the Associated Press is reading my blog. How else could you explain the lead in this article? (Look here for the orgins of where this stupid joke came from.)
• While watching Ghana stun the Czech Republic 2-0 earlier today, I couldn’t help but think back to when I laced up the cleats and participated in this regional soccer tournament back during my school days. Every year this college about an hour or so from where I lived hosted this tournament, and its rules were pretty much the same as the World Cup’s; we played three games from our group (although each group had more than just four teams) and then the winner of our group played the winner of the other group in our division. In our first two games we won by scores of 1-0. Even though we didn’t lose and allow a goal, we were still in danger of not advancing because there was another team that was 2-0 in group play and had scored more goals than us, which was the first tie-breaker. We won our third game 3-0 and managed to advance to the final game. Funny enough, we were playing against another team that was also from our area/township. In 90+ degree heat we played to a scoreless tie. We then played four overtime periods, which also went scoreless. The game ended in a 0-0 tie, and even though we didn’t “win,” this tournament was a great experience for me because during my soccer days I played the position of defenseman. My team may not have won the whole thing, but when you play good defense you can be assured that you won’t lose, either. Well, at least you won't lose before tie-breakers are factored in.
Anyway, the reason I got a flashback to this tournament years ago was because in the Ghana/Czech game there was a penalty kick which was whistled off and had to be re-done. The same thing happened in my championship game. Our team got awarded a penalty kick, which would have sealed the deal for us. When the players got lined up, our forward kicked the ball into the net. However, the referee called the goal off because about 20 seconds before the kick someone FROM THE OTHER TEAM walked across the space between the kicker and the goalie (our player missed on the second attempt). To this day I still don’t understand the reasoning for the call back, especially considering that once the penalty kick was taken, play got stopped and the defending team got the ball back in the form of a goal kick. But in the end I got my medal, so it's all good.
• I'll say this about the referee in the U.S./Italy game. If he called a game in South America like the way he called tonight's match, I don’t think he’d be leaving the field alive. Oh, and earlier in this game I could have sworn I heard a “bull…shit” chant. Other countries sing, dance and play musical instruments at the World Cup; we yell “bullshit” over a bad call. Then again, I’m sure the other countries are saying equally obscene phrases, along with probably other chants like “Death to Israel” and “Jihad Jihad Jiahad” it’s just that I can’t understand what they’re saying. Finally, as I type the U.S. still hasn’t scored a goal yet in a game-and-a-half. The only goal they registered was from an Italian player putting it into his own net. I know we Americans have to import just about everything we use, but has it gotten so bad that we need to start importing soccer goals, too?
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 86: JAxl Morrison
I haven't noticed Jaxl around lately, but I generally like what I read from this guy. Then again, I don't have a daughter that I have to worry about him corrupting. When he's not putting his sexual partner's life at risk by banging her while she still has a tampon inside of her, he's putting his own life at risk by getting it on with military wives. (I must say that, after seeing a picture of that Marine's wife he was "at attention" with, you can certainly say he was committing a worthwhile risk.) But hot military wives aren't the only things he sticks his dick in; he'll even give a lot of lovin' to those that have lots to love. Oddly enough, he has also started a thread about getting test for STDs.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Porter:
• Wow, first a red diaper doper baby Vermont judge gives a repeated child molester a two-month sentence. Now, on the other side of the spectrum in the same state, some piece of shit got hit with the death penalty for kidnapping and murdering a supermarket worker. Even though this is the first time in nearly 50 years someone has been sentenced to death in this state, he'll probably croak from old age before dying from the needle.
• While we're on the subject of spectrum swings, from the same Court that brought you the Miranda warning 40 years ago now say police don't have to knock before coming in with a search warrant. Well of course they don't, because thanks to George W. Bush they already collect all the evidence they need while illegally wiretapping your phone. Oh, and the deciding vote went to Alito. Woo-hoo. Here's hoping Bush gets to appoint at least one more black-robed lawyer to keep the Ginsburgs and Bryers in the back of the classroom.
• After Big Ben "apologized" for his motorcycle accident, there has been a stupid topic going through the Shittsburgh sports-talk radio circuit. The debate is should Ben "apologize" for the fans? What a stupid fucking argument. Of course he shouldn't. I was listening to some callers say he "owes it" to the fans because they pay for Ben's salary. Whatever. So I guess the next time you're in a fast-food restaurant and your cashier doesn't do cartwheels when getting your fries you should demand them to apologize because they owe it to you since you "pay their wages"? Fuck you. Like someone isn't going to go to a Steelers game because Ben isn't the quarterback; what did you people do for the 70+ years when he wasn't the Steelers QB?
• Bye Dan. I'm sure the two or three people that still think you matter will be starting a vicious letter-writing campaign to cBS over kicking you to the curb. Remember ... courage.
• This is interesting. The Mavericks were up two games to none on the Miami Heat coming to Miami. No team has ever won three consecutive home games since the NBA Finals went to a 2-3-2 home/away game format. Now the Heat have tied the series up at two. Conventional wisdom will say that since no team has ever one three straight home games that Dallas is sure to win Game 5. However, earlier this year the conventional wisdom was that no NFL Wild Card team that played all of its postseason games on the road would win a Super Bowl.
The last few trips to the grocery store were rather normal for me, and I was starting to get worried that my usually fun excursions to Giant Eagle were no more. Today let me know I still had my magic touch. While getting my personal shopping scanner (for those that don’t know what I’m talking about, look here) this couple was trying to get theirs turned on. The problem was they didn’t scan their Giant Eagle Advantage Card, which activates one of these scanners for you. As I began stocking up on grocery bags, I knew they would be asking me how I got mine activated. Sure enough, once I got my scanner started, they looked at me with the same look cavemen gave a companion who had just rubbed two sticks together for several hours and created this red, hot thing. After giving them a brief tutorial on the joys of the Giant Eagle’s Personal Shopper Scanner, I went off to do my shopping.
My first stop at the grocery store is always the produce section, which is where the better half usually buys some fruit that ends up spoiling because she never finishes what she starts. Since she wasn’t with me today, I was able to get some stuff on sale, so the eventual trip these perishable items will take into the garbage can won’t piss me off as much. While I was bagging some bananas this old guy just walks up to me and says, “Look at what these people (Giant Eagle) are trying to get away with.” He proceeded to tell me that even though Giant Eagle has a certain brand of potatoes “on sale,” two 5 lb bags for $5, there’s another brand right next to the “bargain” potatoes that were in 10 lb bags for $3.99. I responded, “Well maybe someone would just want to buy one 5 lb bag of potatoes for $2.50.” He then gave me this evil look left in a huff. Fuck you, you old bastard. I’m with you on the fact that people don’t read price labels all that carefully, but don’t get your diapers in a knot just because I dared exercise some independent thought that went above and beyond your “In my day during the Depression I could get a full tank of gas for a dime, and the station attendant would change my car’s oil and rotate my tires at no additional charge.” I actually like it when these old bastards complain about the cost of everything nowadays, because that’s the perfect time to remind them “in those days you only made a quarter a week.”
Finally, after I finished my shopping and was paying for everything at personal shopper checkout aisle, this other old guy began asking me about that scanner I used to ring up my groceries with. I proceeded to spend about five minutes explaining to him the same things I went over with the couple in the first paragraph. But hey, I don’t mind. Everyone’s got to learn sometime. And besides, doing acts of charity like showing someone how to use a scanner evens out (or at least I hope it does) the bad karma I accumulate for the other times when I’m a bastard.
Speaking of being nice, on the drive home from work today, there was another old guy who was trying to get into my lane from a parking lot next to me. Seeing how we were at a stoplight, I made the motion for him to get in front of me. When he did this, I saw what this old bastard had for bumper stickers. From right to left: “Kerry/Edwards,” “Seniors for Kerry,” and “I did NOT vote for Bush.” Had I only received this information beforehand he would have not had such an easy time of trying to get back on Rte 30. Actually, I feel sorry for people that get mad after seeing a pro-candidate bumper sticker for someone they wouldn’t vote for in a million years. When I had my Bush bumper sticker in my rear window back in ’04, I didn’t get any reaction, which surprised, and disappointed, me because I drive through some extremely pro-Democrat areas to and from Shittsburgh. I did have one guy give me a “thumbs up” however; he had a Bush sticker on his car, too. And while I’m talking about bumper stickers, I wonder if people will get the joke if I put a “Run Hillary Run” bumper sticker on the front of my car come 2008 should the Beast get the Democrat nomination?
• So I’ve been listening to this financial guy on RIGHT-WING RADIO Dave Ramsey for a while now, and it’s a pretty enjoyable show. Basically, he talks to people about their money matters. I don’t learn much, if anything, from this program, but goddamn are some of his callers funny. There was one the other day that was great. This lady called and said that her and the hubby have more than $200,000 worth of student loan debt between them. The husband went to law school, passed the Bar exam and then became a stay-at-home dad once they produced a little crumb snatcher. Sorry, but when you go to law school you don’t get to be a stay-at-home anything unless it’s a private practice. But the best part was when Dave asked her what she did for a living. She said that she spent more than $100,000 for her Master’s Degree education. And just what was that Degree in? Non-profit Money Management. You can’t make this shit up.
• Is it any surprise that more than a billion of dollars worth of fraud is now coming to light in wake of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath? I’m surprised the amount is that low. In a way I feel for the faceless administrators and pencil pushers that gave away this money like it was water, but not the kind that strands you on your rooftop. After all, if they actually took their time to research each claim and determine whether it was legitimate or not, they would get the third degree for being cold-hearted and dragging their feet while dead bodies were piling up in the Superdome freezer.
• Darryl Hannah, in a show of protest or something, climbed up some tree to prevent a private property owner from getting rid of this hippie garden where illegals grew crops or something. God forbid this guy do what he wants with HIS property. This sounds like another case for the Supreme Court. I think the funniest thing from all of this is that with the Hollywood celebrities who came to the garden’s defense (Hannah, Leonardo DiCaprio, Ed Harris and Martin Sheen to name a few), you think they could have all chipped in and purchased the land with the $16 million price its owner was asking for. However, the biggest story in all of this is that the Los Angeles Times actually wrote something I agree with.
Now you don’t read stuff like this everyday from this commie publication. Whatever could be the reason for this turn to common sense -- could they be trying to put a somewhat normal face on this rag to prospective buyers? Nah.
• And with all the shit that Philadelphia is dealing with – crime, poverty, failing government schools – it’s nice to know they’re going to come down hard on a guy operating a cheesesteak place just because he has a “Speak English when ordering” sign.
• Wow. The Poland/Germany World Cup game is on and Poland is trying to eek out a 0-0 tie. This would be a win for them because one of their players got red-carded earlier in the game. In the 90th minute two German players, just a few feet away from Poland’s goal, took point-blank shots and hit the crossbar each time. Well this all doesn’t matter because as I’m typing this Germany just scored. Having played several games of soccer as a kid, I can say giving up a goal in the waning minutes of a tied game is probably one of the worst feelings you can get when playing this sport. Well that or unsuccessfully trapping a rock-hard ball with your inner thigh in freezing weather without wearing a jock strap. I think the worst thing about that whole experience was I couldn’t just kneel over and cry, even though I wanted to more than anything else at that moment in time. After I cleared the ball from my area I tried “walking” the pain off. Didn’t work. Not by a long shot.
Just when I thought I was turning into a commie, I get thrust back into reality. Yesterday I had to drive to a pharmacy about 15-20 minutes away from my house to pick up a prescription for my one cat who’s suffering from a urinary tract infection. As I was turning onto the road leading up to this store, I noticed this long, silver-haired guy standing on a corner with a sign reading something like, “2000 soldiers dead is 2000 too much,” or something of that nature. After my pleasant visit to the pharmacy (the vet screwed up the dosage amount or something; I was then told that it would take at least an hour to fill and that they would deliver the drugs to my house) I got the chance to drive past this idiot. Remembering the good ol’ days back when I lived at Sappy Valley, which had a student protest about something-or-other several times a week, I got to re-live the vigor of my youth. As I was waiting patiently by the yield sign where he was standing, I pointed at him, laughed and yelled, “Get a job, hippie!” The rest of the drive home was gravy.
This made me think back to all the good times I had making fun of protesters and their stupid causes. Now I doubt nothing will be better than the time I took a “Free Mumia” flyer from some pseudo-hippie during one of those Penn State marches, shoved it down my pants, wiped my crack with it, and gave it back to dumbfounded protestor-ette. However, there was another time that ranks right up there. I mentioned this story a few times at the TSM boards, but it bears repeating so here I go again.
[Flashback mode on]
I was manning some stupid booth for a school club I was part of during my college days when suddenly, about 20 or so feet across from me, these two bald-headed women from the SOCIALIST EQUALITY PARTY started setting up their stand to pass out propaganda to the mindless teens and twenty-somethings that roamed the halls. Now this duo had all the usual posters up for leftist causes like “Free Mumia,” “Abortion is a choice,” and “Lift the embargo on Cuba.” However, they had one that pissed me off, and that was “Jail the cops who killed Johnny Gammage.” Now back around 1995, there was the Steeler – Ray Seals – who had a cousin that got pulled over in the middle of the night by a group of Shittsburgh PO-lice. Instead of doing what the officers told him to do, Gammage started some shit with them. One thing led to another and the PO-lice eventually had Gammage pinned to the road, where he died of asphyxiation. The day before my booth-sitting one of the officers, John Vojtas, got acquitted. (Or was it a mistrial? I forget.) This of course pissed off just about every lefty out there. Now I guess it was a shame the guy died and all, but it could have been prevented if he didn’t start shit with the cops. So to that I say fuck him. Anyway, I had been hearing this hippie psychobabble for a day or so now, and when you’re in a liberal arts shithole like I was in, days can seem like years. (Here's some background info on the case: Link 1. Link 2.
It was at this time when a chick I knew came up and we started talking. I went to get several pieces of paper, some tape and a Sharpie. As she saw me write in large letters “Vojtas Acquitted: One Down, Three To Go,” she started laughing and said, “You’re on you own.” I taped the sign up to my booth, sat back and waited. About 10 minutes went by when I got my first threat by some black chick. Another five or so minutes went by before I got my second threat. These exchanges were nothing note-worthy; just garbage like “What’s this?” and “You think the cops are innocent?” Each time I politely responded and said that Gammage could have prevented his death by obeying the officers. Another person came up to me shortly thereafter and threatened to rip my sign down, to which I smiled and said, “Well then I’ll just make another.” That didn’t go over too well. After a few more threats, the Assistant to the Dean of Students visited me and told me to take my sign down. When I asked why she replied, “Because I’ve been getting complaints all morning about it.” When I pointed out that the feminazis across from me had similar inflammatory rhetoric posted, this pencil pusher said, “They reserved that booth to talk about those subjects, you didn’t reserve this booth to do that.” When I pointed out that the Gammage decision took place yesterday and I doubted that the SOCIALIST EQUALITY PATY reserved that booth as late as yesterday afternoon to talk about the Gammage mistrial, this lady looked at me, sighed and said, “If I tell them to take their sign down will you take yours down, too?” It was at that point I cashed in my chips. Gee, I had always thought that Academia encouraged free thought and expression. For the record I did get one voice of support, but that was from a kid who probably grew up to be a bigger curmudgeon than me. Hey, I’ll take what I can get.
[/Flashback mode off]
Now back to yesterday's events. The pharmacy people screwed up my address, so instead of getting those meds I mentioned above at 6:30 p.m., which was when I was told they would be delivered, they didn’t show up until 8 p.m., and that was after I had to give the courier directions over the phone three separate times, which is unfortunate because my house is just a shot across Route 30. Then again, if you’re looking for “Fourth” Drive instead of “Forrest” Drive, you might be in your vehicle for a while. Also, the delivery guy had a Ben Roethlisberger t-shirt on; I guess he was hoping the power of the shirt would help Big Ben’s surgical efforts.
KKK's Top Posters
Number 87: Latin Assasin
I can't remember when I have ever spoken to this guy, but anyone who sticks his dick into this
on a regular basis without having to pay for it or be in fear of an impending 5-0 bust, and who also posts on a message board, is either a) lying, b) posting some newly-found naughty pics of his sister that were intended for her boyfriend, or c) my n*gga. He may be Latino, but I'll still give him a pound, or whatever it is those black people do when greeting each other.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Oh God help me. Big Ben just got into a motorcycle accident and is currently listed in serious but stable condition. He wasn't wearing a helmet. Well at least I know what is going to be the top story in my area for the next month or so. I don't know who was at fault in this accident, but if it's not Ben, the other motorist, even if he or she is from out of state, will be wishing to be Steve Bartman when it's all said and done. And while I'm on the subject, I can't wait to hear all the cries of hysteria over Pennsylvania amending its helmet law a few years ago so motorcyclists can opt not to wear this headgear. The local media have already shifted their resources to the scene of the crash, Steelers Headquarters, and the hospital where Ben was taken. Nice to see they focus on the important things in life; little wonder why I don't take the Shittsburgh media all that seriously.
• When watching the World Cup Sunday, I didn't know who to cheer for in the Iran/Mexico game. Should I pull for the country that is sneaking over the border and refusing to assimilate with American culture or side with the country that wants to nuke my backyard? After much thought, I decided that I feel more for the Iranians. I'm sure at least half of them would chop my head off if given the chance, but it's too bad they got an extremely unfavorable reaction from the crowd over the policies of their wacko president/prime minister/whatever he's called. Wow. I really am turning into a commie.
• You know what's sad about this story? I bet the defendant wins, or at least gets a reduced jail sentence. And defense lawyers wonder why they're so despised.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 88: The Czech Republic
Czech’s a hard read for me. This guy has bitched about my use of “…” at the end of my posts back when I used to do this. He also has griped about my over-use of the words “hippie” and “commie.” But worst of all, he has goofed on my n*gga Paul Harvey, which, in my world, is tantamount to flushing a Koran down a toilet in front of a Muslim male. No, check that; it’s an even WORSE offense. However, he’s extremely approachable on AIM and has answered every inquiry I have asked him through this medium, from explaining what exactly a “neocon” is to what parts of the Windy City and its surrounding areas support the Cubs and which areas support the White Sox. Plus Czech goofs on Racist Dusty, so that’s another plus.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Porter:
From Carnival
From SFA Jack
• Over in the General Chat folder Fear Havoc brought up an interesting question that I feel needs more elaboration on my behalf. Long story short: He’s friends with someone that’s getting married. He’s thinking of giving the "happy" couple $50 as a gift and wants to know if that’s enough. In my world, that’s perfectly acceptable, and the majority of posters in that thread seem to agree. However, I figured this might be a good time to give some firsthand experiences of this practice of giving, and receiving, loot at a wedding.
1) Unless you’re going to some uber-yuppie reception, giving $50 for you and your guest is perfectly acceptable. At my wedding reception the meals were about $25 per person, so you’re basically saying with a $50 gift, “Thanks for inviting me. Here, I’ll take care of my food bill because I know you are paying for plenty of other shit. Now, where’s that free bar?” At my reception, most people gave $50, which was fine with us. However, my old man’s table, which featured eight various cousins and uncles, gave us a total of $40. The most aggravating thing about this wasn’t even the money; it was the fact we had to include this table into the reception plans two days before the wedding, more than two weeks after the RSVPs were due.
2) If you’re going to get a gift, please make sure it’s something from their wedding registry. This isn’t rocket science. It’s nice to know that if our George Forman grill ever craps out on us, that we have two others just waiting to take its place. And if you’re not going to bother reading the registry before getting something, make sure you include the receipt so it can be returned. It’s nothing personal; there’s only so much storage space people have in their house/apartment and sometimes you have to be practical.
3) While I’m on the subject of registries, sometimes you’ll come across an item with a rather large purchase price. Don’t think that the bride actually expects this to be filled; it’s a pipe dream (and yes, the bride is the one who fills these registries out). The better half’s pipe dream was some new sink stand to replace the funky green colored one for the upstairs bathroom. She was under the delusion that some people from her side of the family would “chip in” and get this for us. What did we end up getting from the people she hoped would get her this gift? Four plastic glasses, a plastic pitcher, and a single towel with matching wash cloth. So close.
4) Whatever amount you give to a wedding party, expect no more than that amount back when you get hitched. After our wedding, the better half took note of what everybody gave us (well, the people who weren’t married yet) and that is what we are going to give them whenever their big days come. Shortly after our wedding, one of our guest couples got hitched and we sent them the same amount of money they sent us. Of course, when I asked what was the point of this monetary exchange, since in the end it turned into a zero-sum game, I didn’t get a coherent answer.
5) Gift cards are just as good as cash, but please make sure it is for a store the happy couple frequents. For us, our Target, Kohl’s and Best Buy gift cards were well-spent. However, the one for Linens ‘n Things took some time to be depleted, and even then the money spent on fabric could have went to buying a perfectly good DVD.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 89: Olympic Slam
I guess you could classify Olympic Slam as a pilgrim in an unholy land. He’s more conservative than me yet lives in California. That alone should make him the Michael Savage of TSM. Considering he loves said talk-show host, I think this indeed makes him the Michael Savage of TSM. Either way, I have no problems with the chap.
• Once again America is sticking its middle finger up to the rest of the world and saying, “Fuck you all, we’re going to do what we Americans want.” Is this because we’re going to invade another country? Not that I know of. Are we thumbing our nose yet again at the United Nations? I wish. No, it’s World Cup season, and despite other countries shutting down to watch their team run around a field for 90 minutes kicking a ball, we here in the United States just give out a collective yawn. I’m one of the bigger oddballs in this country because I like the game of soccer. I played it for 14 seasons as a kid, and ever since 1990, when I was 14 years old, I have tuned into this tournament. Granted, I have no idea who any of the players are, but sometimes you watch a sporting event for other reasons. For example, one spectacle of the World Cup that I enjoy seeing is the spectators cheering on their team, waving flags, singing and rattling off noisemakers. The actual game itself is not that bad to watch, either. I don’t think I’d be able to watch soccer on a regular basis, and I don’t tune into that American MLS league; once every four years tends to provide me with an ample fix.
Back in 1990 I remember West Germany winning the World Cup after beating Argentina 1-0 on a cheesy penalty kick late in the game. I also remember England having a really old goalkeeper, Italy getting pretty far, and some guy from Cameroon with black sweatpants. What I remember most about this tournament, however, was that several times the only goals scored in a game were done during TNT’s commercial breaks. There’s nothing more gratifying than watching a game for an hour or two only to have the game’s only goal come while you’re watching an ad for some airline or sports drink. When you got back from the break you saw a bunch of players jumping on top of each other with the announcers saying, “While we were away, Italy just scored the first goal of the game. Here’s the replay.” Sorry, but watching a replay isn’t the same as seeing the real thing live. Is it any surprise that by the time the 1994 World Cup came around the games were interruption-free? Rather than go to commercial breaks, the games just put a sponsor’s logo in the corner for 20 minutes or so.
Four years later the World Cup was hosted in the United States. Some things I remember about this event were the U.S. upsetting Columbia thanks to some player scoring in his own net. The U.S. eventually lost to Brazil 1-0, but if memory serves, Brazil was playing shorthanded thanks to a red card, so instead of going with the mainstream opinion of "our boys played tough," I always thought they should have upset the Brazil squad. The success of the ’94 World Cup was supposed to show Americans how great the sport of soccer is. It didn’t. The 1998 World Cup was probably the worst ever for America. Not only did the Frenchies win the whole thing, but the United States lost to Iran in group competition. America fared much better four years later when they went out in the quarterfinals to Germany, the tournament’s eventual runner-up. From what I’ve heard about this year’s tournament, the U.S. is in a tough bracket and may not make it out of group play. Big deal. Just because America can’t dominate one kind of sport that doesn’t mean that sport should be ignored. Besides, it’s always nice to have other countries dominate the world’s stage every once in a while. Who am I going to pick for the World Cup? Well, I always go with Brazil followed by the host country as a sleeper pick.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 90: Masked Man of Mystery
He’s masked and he’s mysterious. He’s the Masked Man of Mystery and he’s occupies the 90 spot on the list. There are two reasons he is on this list. The first is that he’s a Professional Otaku, and no list is complete without one of those. The second is that he said one of my all-time favorite lines at this place. After getting his feathers ruffled by an anti-Muslim remark by MikeSC (big surprise there) he said:
Surprisingly enough, he returned, and even posted, in the above-mentioned thread. Not only that but he also educated us on who that hot piece of under-developed ass is in his avatar. I still have no idea what a Professional Otaku is, but damnit I know I just have to have one.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From lovecraft321:
• Well today was the suq. I noticed last night that Max was having some issues with using the litter, so today it was yet another trip to the vet. Turns out he has another urinary tract infection and has to stay overnight. Hopefully with the new diet we’re going to put him on he won’t have this trouble any more, or as much. There’s some other trouble brewing as well because the way the better half and I trick him, Dessa and JJ into their carrier no longer works. For years one of us would pick up whoever had to go to the vet and the other person would get the carrier. By the time the captured realized that they had been tricked it was too late for them to escape. A few years ago, they began to get wise to practice, so we went with Plan B. We give them scheduled feedings – a quarter cup of kibble when we wake up and right before bedtime. They have this schedule down pat, but whenever we needed one of them to get in the carrier we would put food in their dishes. When the three of them would romp into the feeding room thinking they were getting second breakfast, the better half would close the door and I would go get the carrier from the basement. This tactic worked about a half dozen times. Notice I said “worked.” Now when it’s not early in the morning or late at night and we’re putting food in their bowls, they hover around the room’s entrance waiting for us to leave before entering. Today was even worse. Not only did Max totally stay out of the feeding room, but also he took off and hid underneath some chairs in the kitchen. Of course after I moved the chairs he scampered off and hid under the dining room table. Once that was moved, he went under the living room coffee table. After that it was under a corner table between our two living room couches. Once I rearranged half of the living room’s furniture he made a dash to the basement and behind the staircase, which he has pretty much his own lair. Because I couldn’t reach him anymore I had to flush him out via squirt bottle, forcing him to get out in the open. But did that ploy work? Nope. The little bastard ran upstairs into the spare bedroom. This was a good news/bad news situation. By going into the spare bedroom he was limiting his escape options. However, if he got under the bed it would be a pain in the ass to get him out. I was able to nab him before he made it under all the way under the bed and then it was off to the vet.
• Having two lawyers settle a dispute over the location for a witness statement with a game of “rock, scissors, paper” is cute, but I would have preferred pistols at dawn.
• Entertainment Weekly made some hippie list about the 25 Most Controversial Films OF ALL TIME, and the Passion of the Christ tops the list. Other entries include A Clockwork Orange, JFK, Natural Born Killers, Fahrenheit 9/11, The Da Vinci Code , United 93, Deep Throat, The Last Temptation of Chirst, The Deer Hunter, Basic Instinct and Do the Right Thing. Uh, ok. This seems a little too Vh1-ny for my taste, and I really don’t know what to about the appropriateness of these listings, considering I didn’t bother to watch most of these movies.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 91: Paul Stanley
I don't really talk to Paul all that much, but I seem to remember him going through some troubles in life, from family to job situations. If he's been laid off already for making too much money, here's hoping he finds something that pays him more and has him working less. He seems to be a hit in the Music Folder, particularly when it comes to concert reviews, but since I don't venture much around those parts, I really can't say much more about him.
• So now Abu Musab al-Zarqawi is dead. Bye bye. What I think is funny is that Michael Berg, the father of one of Zarqawi's beheading victims, said that not only did he "learn to forgive" Zarqawi for lopping his kid's head off, but he also said that, "I have no sense of relief, just sadness that another human being had to die." Goddamn did the wrong Berg go over to Iraq.
• Speaking of commies, it seems that the Jersey Girls caught Ann Coulter's ire, and the conservative skeletor then said some not-so-nice things about these harpies. If you don't remember, these bitches used the memories of their husbands, who died in the 9/11 attacks, to repeat some Democrat talking points in the '04 election season. Of course Ann's comments are causing outrage, with even Hitlery getting in on the action. I'm not a huge Coulter fan, but to these "Witches of East Brunswick" I say too fucking bad. If you are going to exploit your dead spouses in hopes of electing your boy Kerry as president, then get ready for some backlash. Like I've said before regarding this issue, if I had to wake up next to and listen to anyone of this group day in and day out for a prolonged period of time I probably would have jumped from the World Trade Center before 9/11/01. However, I have to take Ann to task on one premise, and that is when she said, “I've never seen people enjoying their husbands' deaths so much.” When it's my turn to say "what's up" to the Reaper, just wait and see how quickly my life insurance policy gets cashed in.
• I might as well complete my insensitive trifecta by talking about a local story. Apparently, some bad heroin (as opposed to the "good" kind found in the organic section of the crack house/meth lab/wherever this shit is made) has been shipped out to the Shittsburgh area, killing some users (and even a few people from the *gasp!* suburbs). Cops have been trying to figure out where the source is coming from, and they're hoping to collect as much of the bad heroin as possible. I say why bother; let the addicts kill themselves. Hell, give me a bag and I'll deliver one (or ten) to my crack-whore sister-in-law’s place of residence, provided that she hasn’t been evicted yet. Also, wouldn't it be better to have this shit out on the street? Maybe it will scare some people out of trying this stuff out. Oh, and from what I heard the bags this deadly dope is in have labels printed on them titled "Get high or die tryin.'" At least its producer can’t be accused of false advertising.
• Well, 06/06/06 has come and gone, and the apocalypse did not take place. However, I don’t plan on the Anti-Christ taking any action until she decides to leave her senator's seat in New York and run for president, but that’s another year or so away. Actually I’m rather encouraged about Satan not taking over, seeing how the Angles pounded the Devil Rays 12-2 yesterday. In addition, the Pirates lost last night, so that means all is normal with the world.
• For at least six months I have been trying to get the better half to agree with me to switch our phone service over to Comcast from Verizon. Every time I bring this up she says “no.” The reason? She thinks it will be “weird” having phone service with a cable company. Yeah it’ll be weird. It’ll also be cheaper. Yesterday this sales rep from Comcast came to my door and let me know of some special deal where not only would we have our cable internet connection and a cheaper phone service than Verizon's, but also we’d get digital cable all for $20 less a month than what we’re currently paying for standard cable, internet and Verizon phone service. In fact, even after this 12-month promotion expires, we’d still be getting these services for a lower rate than for what we're paying now. When I told Mrs. kkk about this deal she expressed doubt due to the fact she doesn’t like the Digital Cable remote. When we moved back to Pennsylvania in 2003 we signed up for some special deal from Comcast that gave us digital cable for six months free (or something similar). The service wasn’t bad, but I didn’t really care for it, mostly because I didn’t give a crap about the extra channels (although I did tune in to HBO's OZ). However, I care about saving $20 per month, so I’ll deal with the hippie remote. After explaining to the better half that we’d be saving money every month, along with paying for all three services in one bill, I think I got her on the ropes. If this doesn’t work, I could always beat her, but I hold off on spousal abuse as a last resort. Well, maybe not last, but close to last. Well maybe more along the lines of when I don’t feel like bloodying up my work clothes…
• Well Steve McNair is going to be traded to the Ravens. I feel for him. McNair put his heart and soul into the Titans for years, playing through pain and injury, only to be told “well you make too much money so off with you.” I understand the NFL is a business, but fuck it; if a team signs someone to a contract, and they have to restructure the deal later on because they promised that athlete more money than the salary cap will allow, then screw the team. I don’t blame the player for wanting what’s coming to him. It’ll be interesting to see how the Ravens play this year with McNair at the helm, or at least until he gets hurt.
• So one kitten was reported as rabid at a PetSmart store. Now they are suspending their pet adoptions for the mid-Atlantic region? What, did the cat infect the entire area? From the article: “PetSmart has arranged more than 3 million adoptions in its 17-year history, and has only had one other rabies case, said Paul Amirault, district manager for PetSmart.” So now other cats may have to be put down because they couldn’t find a home via PetSmart. Fuck that shit. I wish we took such drastic measures on humans. So little Bobby has been caught beating up some kid? Time to give his 10 brothers and sisters, plus crack mom, the needle.
• I get that the NHL isn't the most popular league out there. I get that their cable home, OLN, isn't high up on many people's station line-ups. But for God's sake Michael Wilbon, if you can't figure out how to search for a freaking cable channel then thank Christ you aren't registered to vote in Palm Beach County. And before you go bitching about the length of the Stanley Cup playoffs, check your calendar to see when exactly the NBA Finals conclude. For the record, I consider myself a casual fan of hockey; the only people I know in this Stanley Cup finals are Mark Recchi and Glen Wesley, and that's because I remember both back in the early 1990s when Mark was a Penguin and Glen was a Bruin. It's a shame that the Stanley Cup Finals isn't getting more recognition because Game 1 was fantastic. Too bad Edmonton's goalie got hurt and, from what I heard on the radio earlier today, is out for the rest of the playoffs. Because of this, it looks like Carolina is sure to win it all now. However, one never knows in the NHL; if the Oilers went by conventional wisdom they would have been eliminated in the first round.
• Speaking of the Stanley Cup Finals, the WWE broadcast a commercial on OLN pimping their next appearance on RAW in Shittsburgh. Of course, the ad was aired at 9:08 p.m. on a night that Raw was making a stop in the city. Since the Oilers/Hurricanes game was in an intermission, I tuned over to USA just to see what I have been missing. I stopped watching wrestling several years ago, so I am out of the loop when it comes to storylines. I got to USA in time to see Terry Funk (?!) get into the ring, along with a bunch of other ECW'ers I remember watching 10 years ago. Wow. That's all I'm going to say on this matter. Well, that and time can be quite cruel when it wants.
• I love Boston Red Sox fans. Sometimes I wonder what they like more, seeing the BoSox win or the Yankees lose. Then again, maybe I'm just jealous. After all, in Shittsburgh, the biggest rival to the Pirates is the .500 mark. Actually, years ago, Lloyd McCleandon said that he considers the St. Louis Cardinals to be the Pirates' “rival” because the Cards are the best team in the NL Central and the Pirates aspire to become the Cardinals one day. Oh well, there's always the Browns/Steelers, or would that now be Ravens/Steelers? Either way, I dedicate this entry to the following AIM conversation I had with my one BoSox pal from earlier today:
If you don't know the answer to the question posed in the last line of dialogue, go talk to Bored or Al Keiper. They'll be more than glad to help you out, as well as tell you the win-shares of the last 30 NL stolen base champions.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 92: Swift Terror
Sure Swift Terror doesn’t post that much, if anymore, at TSM’s forums, but I know him personally so he gets a pimp on this list. Mr. Terror worked under me in 2002, and when he got promoted to the management level I was at we got to know each other better during some projects our groups worked together on. Well, the people working under us worked; I spent most of my day posting at TSM, which eventually pulled in my co-worker, too. In fact, we got along so well that we were groomsmen at each other’s weddings in the years that followed. A fellow right-winger, he likes cars and horror films, not to mention having a mother-in-law that would send shivers down … well, I better stop right now if I ever want his wife to let me back in their house again the next time I’m in the southwestern Ohio region.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• The Blue Collar Comedy quartet just had their “final” movie on Comedy Central last night, and I was unimpressed. I’m normally a fan of their comedy (sans that television show), but this third special left something to be desired. I didn’t mind most of the material; my problem was that the event took place in Washington, D.C., which is one of the last places I’d want to see these guys perform at. Why don’t you just do a show in Manhattan or Berkley next? The first two specials may not have taken place in “redneck” havens like Georgia or Mississippi, but nevertheless the crowds helped make the viewing experience enjoyable. This crowd looked mostly like inside-the-beltway schmoes, and there was just something missing from this element. I think one reason I like these stand-up specials is that Jeff, Larry, Bill and Ron complement each other well, although I’d consider Bill to be the weak link of the four, since he seems to have a similar brand of material that Jeff has. If this is indeed the last time these four will appear together on a stage, then peace out. You can’t argue about the success this “blue collar” stuff has experienced.
• There have been a few good commercials airing as of late, which is unusual for me because normally I think television commercials either try too hard to be over the top or are just bland. Ever since they brought back their former mascot (or whatever that king guy was supposed to be), Burger King has had a number of good ads. Their most recent ad pimping a Texas Double Whopper is an enjoyable one for me, especially the full version. The song is cute, and I like how the commercial builds momentum until that van gets pushed into a dump truck. The second ad that has immediately won me over is for some hippie soft drink. I don’t know if it’s a Mountain Dew rip-off, or some extra- caffeinated version of this greenish goodness. The commercial is about a farmer who is building a bigger, meaner scarecrow to fend off, and even destroy, a variety of woodland animals trashing his crops, including … well, you’ll have to watch it to figure out the payoff. And while I’m on this subject, I really liked Taco Bell’s “Think Outside The Bun” campaign, but it’s time to put it out to the pasture. My jump the shark moment on this batch of ads came with those “toga” commercials.
• So ESPN is giving constant updates on Michelle Wie’s qualifying performance for the U.S. Open. Here’s my question: Is the PGA supposedly a “male” league? If not, then why even bother having a LPGA? Let’s just have everybody play in golf leagues and see who qualifies. I have nothing against Wie, and if she gets exemptions to play in tournaments just because it will bring in more people to watch the event, then more power to her. And goddamn is Jim Gray the wrong guy to sub host Jim Rome is Burning. He seems like a good-enough sideline reporter, but when it comes to this format, they should have went with an extra “Best of Mike and Mike” or something, which says a lot because even if that show was on at 6 p.m. rather than 6 a.m., it would still put me to sleep. UPDATE: After reading Swift Terror's latest blog entry, I guess the PGA is co-ed. This of course now means that the LPGA needs to rethink their closed-minded policies. AHHHHH, another ESPN update on Wie. This is more annoying than those "Chasing Bonds" updates that were run prior to Barry passing Ruth.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 93: Smues
Much like Sideburnious, Smues is one of those posters I don't talk with much, but he seems like a good enough guy. Hey, he makes fun of Barry Bonds and ESPN, along with Mikey Moore. You can't win me over any more than goofing on those three subjects. Well, maybe you could if you also pimped Gauntlet Legends. My n*gga.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
From Porter:
• Oh Chirst, there’s a reason I don’t go grocery shopping on Sundays, and I re-discovered why. I think the worst part wasn’t the screaming children but rather the people who shop right after church and they have way too much perfume on. Not even the coffee aisle, with that sweet aroma, was enough to counter this old lady and her scent o’ death. That’s the last time I deviate from my normal routine of going grocery shopping Tuesday after work.
• And while I was out grocery shopping, the better half, her dad and her brother came over to do something to our front yard. (When the better half does any kind of home improvement project, my only rule is to let me know if the property catches on fire and I have leave the hosue; otherwise, I just leave her alone.) Whenever it rains water seeps down into our fruit cellar, resulting in puddles being formed all over the floor in this little room where we mostly store food, cleaning products and cooking devices. It’s not like the basement is going to flood anytime soon, but it’s annoying to have to watch where you step when bringing up food in the pantry upstairs. They dug up the front yard and put in some pipe, which will now send the water that is destined for the basement out onto the street. Honestly, I don’t know what we’d do without Mrs. kkk’s brother. He’s a mechanic by trade, and a mighty good one, too. Not only that, but he’s pretty much everything in a man that I am not. He’s excellent with tools, knows how to fix just about anything under the sun, and goes hunting and boating. In other words, he’s a real man’s man while I am, well, you should know that answer by now.
It’s funny because when I first started dating the better half, her brother didn’t like me for the longest time. I think it took six years or so to finally warm up to me. I don’t fault him; after all, I was fucking his baby sister. He and his wife (who is also quite successful in her professional career) have a nine-year-old son and a seven-year-old daughter, and for some reason they both adore me. Don’t ask why because their parents can’t figure this one out either. While the brother-in-law helps us out with a number of things like the aforementioned drainage system, we try to return the favor, mostly by baby-sitting their kids or helping them move from one house to another. However, there was one instance where I was the hero of the day, and it took place last Christmas. Every December 25 we head on over to the brother-in-law’s place, along with the rest of the immediate family, and celebrate Christmas there. Hey, as long as I don’t have to play host I’ll gladly eat someone else’s food and let them clean up. Well this past holiday, they had some people from out of state over, and they had a son about the same age as my niece-in-law. Turns out all three of them wanted to play Playstation, particularly the Looney Toones Space Race Game a certain uncle bought for them (see my April 22 entry for more information about this story). As my brother-in-law tried to get the game working, he was having an unsuccessful time at it and had his daughter bring me in to remedy the problem. After hitting the green reset button, everything worked fine, and the three kids started jumping up and down in glee saying, “Uncle kkk fixed the Playstation.” As my brother-in-law and I returned to the living room I remarked, “With all the things you build and fix for your kids and us, I get the most praise for turning on their video game system.” He laughed. After all, he may be able to fix a car but I know how to make the Playstation work.
• The Miami Heat made it to the NBA Finals for the first time in franchise history. Now I thought Pat Riley pulled a bitch move by kicking out Stan Van Gundy as Heat head coach last year, but in the end it got the team to where they wanted to be, so unless you’re last name begins with a "G" and rhymes with “Undy,” there’s nothing much else you can say.
• I tend to bring up some not-so-flattering sides of the better half on occasion (see my “Cost of Relationship” entry), but I also like to point out the good instances. Friday was her last day at a job she hated because her cunt boss has made work for her a living hell for the last year or so. When conducting her exit interview with human resources yesterday, she handed over a six-page, 3,750-word letter on the unprofessional conduct her supervisor demonstrated during her time at the job. It really was a thing of beauty. I told Mrs. kkk for months to compose something like this, but she didn’t want to, mostly because she likes to avoid conflict whenever possible at her places of employment. Well, that all came to a screeching halt a few months ago when her bitch boss wrote her up for “excessive absenteeism.” Of course, by “excessive absenteeism,” she meant using the excess hours she had worked the week before to take a day off. This fired her up so much I couldn’t get her to stop documenting and outlining all the inappropriate things her boss had done since October of 1993. After I put my finishing touches on the letter, it went to the HR department, which is where it will probably wither on the vine. After all, the only people more worthless than a company’s marketing division are its human resource employees. But even if nothing is done about this, this was a nice stress-reliever for the better half as she left this shit hole of a job.
• I guess God is getting sick and tired of hearing Pat Robertson predict upcoming natural disasters upon the infidels of this world. Who can blame him? (Or her, whatever the deity's case may be.)
• Oh, bullshit. This guy gets cleared of rape/kidnapping charges and is freed from prison after 14 years and says after being awarded a $14+ million settlement that it “wasn’t about the money?” Like hell it wasn’t. This brought up an interesting thought though – would you want to be wrongly convicted of a crime and spent a dozen or so years in jail only to be cleared of any wrongdoing thanks to DNA evidence if it meant getting a $10+ million payday? I don’t know how to respond to this. After all, you would have lost a decade or so of your life, but that only means the rest of your life will be set, providing you don’t spend your cash settlement on hookers and booze within the first month.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 94: FrigidSoul
This one may seem like an unusual selection, because as some of you may know last year a faction of posters here started up another message board to shoot the shit, and Frigid was one of the people that helped out in this board's construction. However, Frigid didn’t like the RACISM (or whatever the reason was) that was going on at the place, and he took his ball and went home, basically crashing the place and pissing a few people off. However, his dismantling of the “other place” doesn’t take away from the glorious times we shared here. As leader as one of the groups in TSM infamous (read: retarded) “Gang Wars,” we teamed up and good times were had by all, especially when goofing on some kid's mom and her unsuccessful bout with cancer. You can’t brush aside moments like this just because someone went and deleted a message board.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Kingofthe909:
From Porter:
From SFA Jack:
• Well another stupid bird flew into my house’s back porch window/screen and was lying dead in front of the back door yesterday afternoon, the second to do so since moving here in 2004. Now if this screen was clear white, I could understand why birds would mistake the screen for open space. However, this screen thingy is probably older than me and has spots and other kinds of gray stains on it. It’s amazing how an animal can beat the odds and survive all the dangers of the wild as a fledgling only to go SPLAT when it becomes a healthy adult. Then again, some animals aren’t that bright. One image I’ll never forget is of a squirrel getting run over last summer. I was in a 25 mph zone with a SUV in front of me going the speed limit as well. Suddenly, this stupid squirrel runs out right in front of the vehicle, got hit by the front left tire, did several flips in the air and hit the pavement. It’s not like the vehicle was speeding or aiming for the thing, and if the squirrel would have waited just two seconds longer he would have had safe passage. Part of me was wondering if the thing just couldn’t take living in this Bush economy and decided to end it all.
In my history of driving, I have only killed one animal, and I don’t even count it against me because this bird deserved to get it. I was in Ohio and driving in a residential area. In front of me were a flock of birds doing what birds usually do in the middle of the road at 7 a.m. I was about a block away and all but one of them scattered. The speed limit was 25 mph and I slowed it down to 20 because there’s enough road kill in the world to begin with. But the stupid bird just stood there looking at me, like it was daring me to continue. Well I did, the bird hit my front end and my Corsica won the battle. I guess in the end this was a good thing because that bird didn’t deserve to reproduce. Now if we could only do this with the human race.
• So now New Yorkers don’t want other parts of the country to fund their anti-terrorism budgets if it means them having to tighten their fiscal belt. I’m not going to make the obvious “Now all these liberals believe there are terrorism threats,” joke because RIGHT-WING RADIO has already beaten me to this punch. Instead, I’m just going to say that not only will New York CIty eventually get the same amount of money it got last year, but also that there will get at least a 10 percent increase in this funding. If Bush threatens a veto on any bill giving NYC more money, then they will end up getting at least a 25 percent increase over last year's amount.
• You health Nazis can kiss my ass. If you force restaurants to reduce portions, it’s not like they’re going to lower the price of the meals. And why is it all these people that feast on water chestnuts and celery stalks look like they are one strong breeze away from toppling over?
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 95: Kotz
Kotz is one of those riddles wrapped in an enigma for me. I’ve known him at TSM for years, and I’m still unsure if we get along or not. There have been times in the past where we’ve had playful banter, but there have been other instances where we, well, haven’t. However, he’s been a reasonably good sport whenever I’ve joked about his sexuality, among other things, so I’ll gladly include him on this list.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Carnival:
From The Real World’s Champion:
From King of the 909:
• I am usually a stickler for reading the fine print of an offer or deal. However, there was one coupon that I contend was intentionally misleading. Every month or so I get these coupons in the mail called Val-Pack. Most of the stuff is for pizza parlors not close to my residence or for products that I have no need for, like aluminum siding. Well, this one vision place advertises in this Val-Pack, and last month I used a coupon for an eye exam and two pairs of contact lenses. So far so good. I then decided to use another coupon a few weeks later for a pair of eyeglasses. Now the coupon says get $75 off a pair of frames and lenses. I look at the fine print to this coupon and it says “Minimum purchase $175.” Fair enough. When I returned to the eye place for my second pair of contact lenses and a follow-up exam I showed them this coupon and said I was interested in getting a pair of glasses; the last time I got my eyes checked was six years ago, and I can’t remember when I got my last set of glasses. Anyway, this lady tells me that the frames I picked out don’t qualify for the discount. When I asked why she said the minimum purchase had to be $175 after the discount, so the frame/lens total had to be $250. She then proceeded to act like I was three years old and said that many people don’t read the fine print of coupons. Uh, bitch. I did read the fine print. I’ve just never had the “minimum purchase” be used after the applied discount.
• So I was listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO today, and during one top-of-the-hour newscast the guy said that the state of Pennsylvania has, surprise surprise, a budget surplus. And that our wonderful Ed Rendell said he wanted the surplus to go toward, get this, tax cuts. You know it’s an election year when tax-and-spend Democrat pieces of shit want to give you back your hard-earned money. The sad thing is the rank-and-file of his party will actually believe Swin-dell’s line of bullshit.
• Well, I haven’t talked about Mikey Moore in a while, so I feel obligated to report a veteran suing him for $85 million because Mikey used his image without permission in “Fahrenheit 9/11.” While I doubt nothing will be done about this, I would be disappointing my fan base by letting the obvious “I guess someone might not be able to super-size his meals for a month” joke go by. So there you have it.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 96: Chave
I really don't have much to say about Chave. This is one of those cases where I know the poster has been around TSM for a while, but we don't interact that much. I'm entertained by a lot of what he does and plus he organizes that TSM Poster Tournament every year, which I know has to be a hefty undertaking on his part. And even though we here at TSM are all way too cool for such a stupid, petty popularity contest like this you have to admit it's entertaining, even though I have never won, which tells me the whole thing is rigged more than Bush's first Presidential election OMG SELECTED NOT ELECTED LOL2000! Plus he has nice teeth, and for someone who lives across the Pond from me, that says a lot.
And now a word or two from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed. If you would like to be part of this expert panel (and you know you do), drop me a PM.
From Carnival:
From King of the 909:
• I have always tried to keep money matters separate from my relationships. This is why whenever the better half and I started living in sin we had a formula for paying the bills. She would add up all the utilities and rent/mortgage and give me a monthly total. I would then divide that number in half and deduct grocery costs, which I paid for, from the tab and give her the adjusted amount. This system seemed to work fairly well, or so I thought. A few days ago, Mrs. kkk finally came clean and said that the amount of credit card debt she has accumulated over the years was too much for her to bear anymore. Now I constantly joke about what a cheap bastard I am, but there’s a reason for this. Unlike the better half (and our Congressional leaders), I don’t like the idea of racking up debt. Whenever my credit card bills come in, they get paid in full a day or so later. There have only been two instances when I had finance charges apply to me. The first was back in 2002 when the better half’s car needed some work done and neither she nor I had the money right away to pay for it all. The seasonal job I was working at the time was just getting started up again, and I needed a month or so before I could pay off the car repair's entire amount. My total finance charge for this purchase? Less than $2. The second time I paid finance chargers was after my wedding last year. The arrangement was that I would pay for the reception and Mrs. kkk would pay for everything else. Of course, I ended up paying for a few other things as well, and this running tab eventually had the better half owing me more than $2,000 for her share of the wedding bills. Sadly, I knew this was going to happen, and so for about three months I had to look in horror as I had to pay finance charges while I wiped out her share of the the reception bill from my Discover card.
Fast forward to the present. Earlier this week, after being told of her inability to manage money, I took a gander at some of her unpaid debts and, well, here are the highlights [Please note that for all these things I gave her my half of the costs when the bill first arrived for each purchase.]: 1) A bill for a bed purchased at least five years ago. With all the interest she paid on this we could have purchased a new bed by now. 2) A bill for the carpeting that was installed in our house in July of 2004. 3) A bill for vet care for our cat that died in November of 2004.
And then there was the crème de la crème. A $10,400 bill that she hadn’t paid in three billing cycles. The total amount of all these bills is over $20,000 (and let’s not even talk about school loans). After looking at all of this, I crunched some numbers and did a balance transfer on the $10k bill. Now a lot of the smaller credit card bills I can probably churn out in a month or so, thanks to the money I have been saving up to pay off the rest of my school loan. And thanks to the balance transfer, there won’t be any finance charges on the largest bill until April of 2007. By that time all the other bills would have been paid off, and I’m hoping that a good chunk of this debt would have been erased. We still have to make monthly payments on this bill, but the good thing is that instead of the money going toward finance charges it will go toward the principal. (Or is it “principle”? Either way, you get the idea.)
I think what really aggravates me about all of this is that she has a pretty good paying job and will be going toward an even better paying one in a few months. And all that money is being flushed down a really big toilet. Whenever this debt gets erased, I’m still going to be taking charge of what she does with her money. It’s sad, because I really hate doing this, but we has finally come to the realization that her + credit cards = disaster. Actually, I've known of this equation for some time, and now she has, too.
• For the longest time I always had Thanksgiving pegged as the one day of the year where gluttony was king. I think I’m starting to re-think this position after my Memorial Day cookout this year. A few weeks ago my local grocery store had specials on chicken, pork and steaks, so naturally I stocked up ($50+ worth of meat for less than $25 – w00t). Yesterday, with two charcoal grills going, I turned this dead flesh into beefy goodness. Not only did I eat myself sick, but also there are six chicken breasts, eight steaks and six chops in the refrigerator just waiting to be devoured. I’m glad I took today off from work, because I need the extra 24 hours before going back in order to digest everything I consumed. On a semi-related subject, some people are propane grillers while others are charcoal. For me, it has to be the latter. Not only do I not trust myself anywhere near a propane tank (I’m surprised I haven’t set my property on fire yet with the way I handle lighter fluid), but all that dirt and grit you get with charcoal is what makes the food all the more flavorful. When the better half and I bought this house, it came with an “installed” propane grill which hasn’t seen the light of day except for the few times the win has blown its cover off.
In regards to Sunday’s “redneck” cookout I talked about in my previous entry, I guess it went better than expected; especially since the crack-whore sister-in-law was there, along with the test-tube bunch. We arrived, ate and left: total time spent – two hours. Sadly, there’s one “normal” family that comes to this event, and they arrived just minutes before Mrs. kkk and I were leaving. The odd thing is that this family is having marriage trouble – the wife doesn’t even wear her wedding band – yet the other trolls that we meet at this get-together aren’t going to split up anytime soon. While on the subject of cookouts, I don’t understand the point of bringing anything other than dead animals to these functions. I will never touch a vegetable, sans corn on the cob, when the aroma of burgers, steaks or chicken lingers in the air. At the “family” cookout there was taco salad, potato salad and egg salad – none of which I touched. Hell, looking at this runny shit was bad enough. I guess the best way to describe this in-law cookout is to think back to that one joke Jeff Foxworthy made in one of those “Blue Collar Comedy” specials. He said the moment you get in your car from a family reunion you look at your wife and ask how you’re related to those people. You then go on to add, “That little one just ain’t right,” which, oddly enough, was what I was thinking Sunday after seeing one of the rug rats there attempt to play a trombone. Fortunately, I was able to leave before he was able to figure out which hole to blow into in order to create noise.
• The Indianapolis 500 has came and went, and this year Richard Petty, who said some not-so-nice things about women and racing, stirred up a bit of trouble. "I just don't think it's a sport for women," Petty said. "And so far, it's proved out. It's really not. It's good for them to come in. It gives us a lot of publicity: It gives them publicity. “But as far as being a real true racer, making a living out of it, it's kind of tough.” Chalk me up as one of those that wonder if he’s even heard of Danica Patrick. As long as women don’t get any special treatment, I don’t care who’s driving in those cars. I have also heard some grumblings since Patrick raced in last year's Indy 500 that the sport was pimping her over other drivers. Well no shit. Instead of bitching about this, all the male drivers ought to be thanking her for the added publicity. Oh, and when given the chance to respond to Petty’s comments, Patrick did the smart thing and didn’t say much about it. After all, I’m sure the ESPN PC machine will do all the dirty work for her.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 97: Reservior Kitty
The next poster on my list is really the cat’s meow – oh fuck you all, I’ve said worse. I really had no idea who Reservior Kitty was until Eddie Guerrero died, which I’m not sure if you, the TSM poster, were aware about in regards to his passing, especially if you get your Internet wrestling news from this place. I get that Eddie was a popular wrestler and all, but let’s just say that some people, well, overreacted a bit with his passing; jokes such as “The room is spinning,” “here comes the vomit” and “My whole family was depressed” were born from this unfortunate event. Oddly enough, when the news came out that Eddie died, I chose to keep my sarcastic mouth shut because a lot of people really did treat Eddie like a family member and I don’t want anyone cracking jokes at Paul Harvey (my Eddie Guerrero) when he finally goes to that big newsroom in the sky. However, I then saw a thread in the Music folder titled Songs that will make you think of Eddie Guerrero. I couldn’t take it anymore. A few of us decided to branch out and find out what other things made us thing of Eddie Guerrero, such as movies, pornography, books, and video games. Why do I mention all this? Because Mrs. Kitty was so kind as to take command of the computers and technology division, earning her a place on my list no matter what commie drivel she may think (and I’m sure she does since she personally knows Tyler). Also, I’m hoping that maybe by honoring her she’ll PM me some pics of her naughty bits or something. I guess it really is true that death can bring people closer together.
• They say the cool thing about baseball is that you never know what could happen each time you go to the ballpark, and that is true. Last night the Pirates played an 18-inning game against the Astros and won, thanks in part to a wild pitch that was thrown while the Astros were intentionally walking a batter. But here’s the kicker: apparently, this game should not have gone into extra innings. Earlier in the contest there was a play at the plate where the Pirates catches touched a runner with his glove, but he was holding the ball with his other hand. The hometown announcers said that should not have counted as an out, and since I don’t know the official rule on tagging someone I’ll just assume they’re correct.
I generally try to stay for any event I pay to attend, whether it is a movie or sporting event. There are a few exceptions. For example, if I invite someone to go to an event and they wish to leave a bit early, I’ll honor their request. But if it is up to me I wait until the final out is played or the ending credits roll. The only time I left a sporting event early was in 1990 during a Pirates/Dodgers game. For the first eight-and-a-half innings the Dodgers were getting the best of the Pirates and built up a hefty lead (something like 6-0) To make matters worse, the weather was awful, and there were several rain delays. I was at this game with a friend and my mom, and we all agreed to leave early and avoid the post-game traffic. We left at the top of the ninth, and by the time we made it to the car the Pirates were at bat. I remember being in a McDonald’s drive-thru when the Pirates scored the game-winning run and swore to myself right then and there that I would never leave another game early. A few years later I was at another ball game with my half-brother and a few other people. This time the Pirates were down by a handful of runs and played like shit for eight-and-a-half innings. While most people in the group were talking about leaving early, I suggested that we stick around; sure enough, the Pirates once again overcame a 5-6 run deficit and ended up winning the game. It was like déjà vu all over again.
I hate Memorial Day weekend. Is it because I’m an anti-war commie that despises the imperialist machine and its march over the innocents of the world? Not quite. Memorial Day weekend brings about an annual event that takes place in my (red)neck of the woods. What is it you ask? The kkk in-law white trash gathering. God I hate this “family” get-together. Basically, the better half has this aunt who organizes a cookout at her house every year, and the cretins from Mrs. kkk’s side of the family make their way down. Fuck I hate going to this thing. Aside from the crack-whore sister-in-law and her out-of-control daughter, the better half’s immediate family is normal, or at least as normal as you can get. The rest of the family tree however, well … *shudder.*
This aunt whose residence we have to go to is a welfare bum who is too fat and lazy to get a real job. And the only reason she gets as much welfare as she does is because there’s another aunt there who has had one foot in the grave for the last 10 years. When she goes, so does the house; I heard that the government has some sort of “lean” on the house where once this woman dies the other aunt will have to either pay off debt that the property has accumulated over the years, or she will have to hand everything over to the State. Sadly, the healthy aunt managed to attend my wedding last June, which pissed me off because I wanted her not to show up, thus giving me a free pass from this abortion of a cookout for the rest of my life.
I shouldn’t be so negative though, because the better half’s one cousin and her troll family won’t be in attendance. She is a real winner in life. Back when she was 18 or so she lived at this soon-to-be-taken-over house with the two aunts. Then the man of her dreams came into her life – the handyman who the aunts hired to do some occasional housework. Was this guy a strapping young lad? No. He was a late forty-something, toothless, obese Mexican with a really bad comb-over. Not only that but he already had several kids from a previous marriage he did nothing for in regards to child support. Oh, and he made his living as a part-time janitor. Well these two kids fell madly in love and soon thereafter they tried bringing in even more children into this crazy world. There was one problem. Nature, apparently, had enough of this guy reproducing and made him sterile. That didn’t stop these two – the chick got artificially inseminated; not once, but twice. How are they supporting this family? With food stamps, welfare and just about every other public assistance program out there. After all, having the income of a part-time janitor to support a family of four isn’t what it used to be, thanks to this Bush economy. But yet somehow, someway, they managed to buy a house. Granted I’m sure it’s probably a shit hole, but it’s a house nevertheless. I love this country.
The reason this test-tube family won’t be gracing the rest of the white trash with their presence is because this cookout has been traditionally held on Memorial Day, but this year it’s being held on the day before. This is because someone in this clan who has an EMT job (or something like that) is going to be “on call” Monday and wouldn’t have been able to attend the cookout had it been held on May 29. Instead, the test-tube family is going to be spending the day at some local amusement park as a form of "protest" – I hope this place accepts food stamps or else there are going to be some hungry kids.
I do have some pleasant memories of this odd couple. A few years ago when we moved back to Pennsylvania, the better half invited them over to our previous residence. I don’t know why she did this, but whatever. Anyway, the Mexican began roughhousing our cats, which annoyed me, but I figured this would teach JJ a lesson the next time he decides to approach a dirty Mexican and sniff his shoe. However, this guy then picked up our one cat Shadow, who passed away in ’04. We got Shadow as a stray, and he always had a bit of a wild streak in him. I warned his handler that if Shadow didn’t want to be held he’d scratch and bite. My warnings went unheeded. A few seconds later, Shadow proceeded to claw the ever-loving shit out of him, drawing blood in a number of places. As Shadow was tossed back down, Mr. Sterile glanced over at me with a look of shock and outrage. I was doing everything I could to keep from laughing. That will do, cat. That will do.
KKK's Top 103 Posters
Number 98: MD2020
Nothing really special to say about MD2020; he seemed like a nice enough chap when he was here. He took part in my hippie football pick ‘em contest a year or so ago, he hated Mumia and Commies, and he liked kittens. At least he better like our four-legged friends.
• The Cleveland Cavaliers may be out of the postseason, and I don’t know what the local reaction is to the team’s near-upset of the Detroit Pistons. However I hope it’s not one of “Good job, guys.” It’s true that the Cavaliers weren’t expected to do anything beyond the first round of the playoffs, but when you are the underdog and have the opportunity to eliminate your opponent with a home game, you better take advantage of it. It’s great that Lebron James took his team to the brink of the Eastern Conference Finals, but you’re in the playoffs to win it all. Even if you are an eighth seed, you have to go into the playoffs with the mindset that you can win it all. Sure most high-seeded NBA teams beat their opening-round opponent, but these teams still need to enter these match-ups with the mindset of they can pull off the impossible. When these teams do get eliminated in the first round, then they can say, “Well, it was a nice run.” But once you get past that first round, it’s anybody’s game as far as I’m concerned. I remember back during the 1994-’95 NBA playoffs, the Denver Nuggets shocked the top-seeded Seattle Supersonics in the first round. The Nuggets then went on to take the heavily favored Utah Jazz to seven games before eventually losing. The head coach at the time, Dan Issel, stressed to his players that even though they overachieved, they should still feel the hurt of losing a second round playoff match-up in seven games. He was right, because the next year the Nuggets, once again an eighth seed, got swept by the San Antonio Spurs in the first round; the year after that they failed to even reach the postseason.
• John McCain got heckled during some hippie commencement address last weekend. I think what really caught him off-guard is that the hecklers didn’t do the heckling 60 days before his speech. Also, when I think of media figures who are "fueling the problem" of illegal immigrants, grouping Rush Limbaugh, Michael Savage and Lou Dobbs(?) seems like an odd trio. Well, McCain silenced opposing voices 60 days before an election, so I guess that the fairness doctrine v 2.0 could be on the horizon, even with Republicans in power.
• A while back I ragged on some judge from Vermont who gave a light sentence for someone that repeatedly raped a kid for years. Just to show I’m not biased against liberal New Englanders, here’s a red diaper doper baby from a red state:
