On Friday I talked about how the better half and I split the maintenance duties for our lawn, among other outdoor activities. I was going to talk about indoor cleaning responsibilities yesterday, but that damn Shittsburgh mayor just had to die from cancer Friday night, and I felt like talking about him instead. I swear one of these days I need to put my priorities in order.
I do most of the cooking and post-meal cleaning, but that’s because if I left washing dishes up to the better half she would use the dishwasher. I have a problem with dishwashers; I don’t know why (although this should provide some insight into my reasoning). I guess one reason is because dishwashers cross my laziness tolerance line. Nevertheless, most of the kitchen duties are mine, unless Mrs. kkk wants to bake cupcakes or something for a church event or some other get-together. I should note that my culinary skills don’t require much more than nuking veggies, cooking some meat in a skillet or putting something in the oven, so it’s not like I’m slaving away for several hours at some elaborate dish.
In regards to house cleaning, we have a weird system. Every few months the house will get cleaned, and most of the time it’s mostly done by just one of us. On Friday she cleaned most of the house while I was at work. However, the previous cleaning, which took place in early July, I spent an afternoon and evening running the vacuum cleaner and spraying chemicals all over the house. The last time we had a joint effort in cleaning up the house was this year’s Memorial Day weekend. Laundry duties are mostly separate because I don’t like running my clothes through the dryer at medium/high heat while Mrs. kkk does. However, if I’m washing my clothes and the better half’s hamper is full, then I’ll do a separate load or two with her stuff. I must say though that I completely stay away from washing the bedding; that’s all her.
So there you have it. Our “ying-yang” system has worked for seven-plus years now ever since we began living in sin. Funny enough, even though Jesus freaks and moralists decry couples cohabitating, I really don’t have a problem with it. If the couple is serious about their relationship, then I think they should see what living together and splitting household duties is like. Getting married is hectic enough, what with all the ceremony and reception planning (not to mention trying to pay this expensive date off afterward, but that’s another story for another time). Fighting over whose turn is it to take out the trash won’t help matters much to a newlywed couple when the honeymoon ends and real life begins (for the record, I’m the trash hauler). I also apply this “tryout” rule when it comes to child rearing. Before popping out a few demon seeds, how about adopting a dog or kitty (or two) from your local animal adoption agency and seeing what it’s like to be responsible for a life form that’s not as high-maintenance as a newborn baby?
Late last night I learned that Pittsburgh Mayor Bob O’Connor had passed away after a brief bout with a rare form of cancer that attacks the brain and spinal cord. He was 61 years old. I knew he was going to succumb to this sudden diagnosis, especially when the hospital he was at stopped providing updates to the media a few days ago. When it was announced Friday night that the mayor had died, it left a pit in my stomach that’s still there this morning. I don’t know the man, nor have I ever met him, but I’ve followed his public service career for years and always thought of him as a person of integrity. I may not have agreed with him on a number of issues, but many times in local politics you throw away party affiliation and support the better man (or woman, depending on the situation).
I think the saddest part of this story is that for years this guy had tried to be mayor, only losing in the Democrat primary each time to the incumbent Tom Murphy. In fact, during the 2001 mayoral election there were allegations that Murphy had some illegal backroom deal with the city’s firefighter’s union where he would give them a sweetheart contract if they would support his candidacy over O’Connor. Murphy ended up winning that election by just 699 votes. (Like I said before, it was a primary, but in this town the “general election” takes place in the Democrat primary.)
Whenever Murphy announced he would not seek another term in 2005, it was all but a formality that O’Connor would become the city’s next mayor. There were “elections” and “campaigns,” but everyone with half a brain knew Bob would end up winning. Even when he was on the campaign trail, it seemed that O’Connor was talking more about what he was going to do once elected rather than asking if he could have your vote so he could be elected. When O’Connor finally took the helm in January of 2006 he tried as much as he could to show he wasn’t going to squander the opportunity to head the city he loved. There were two early examples of his leadership in action. The first was successfully planning a post-Super Bowl downtown parade for the Steelers. Even though more than a 250,000 people came downtown to congratulate the Super Bowl champs, O’Connor and his administration made sure the event ran without a hitch, and from the reviews people gave afterwards, it appeared that O’Connor and his staff was for real. The second incident came in wake of a sniper scare. (I commented on this incident back in January.) At first there was concern of a person atop a building with a rifle looking for people to shoot, but in the end it turned out that it was just a maintenance worker hunting pigeons. However, the way the city police/fire/medical services handled this event during those hours when they didn’t know what they were up against showed to many in the area that this town was being managed differently than it had been in previous years. And O’Connor was out in the middle of the action overseeing this operation. One could say he was just being pomp, seeing that his first term was just under way, but if you heard him you could tell he wasn’t trying to be out in the limelight. He wanted to show the city, and the surrounding counties, that the buck was stopping with him. And it showed.
It’s a shame O’Connor didn’t win the Democrat primary back in ’01. If he had, Pittsburgh might be in better financial shape today. Sadly, we here in the southwestern Pennsylvania area will never get to know what O’Connor would have been fully capable of as mayor. RIP.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 57: El Santiaco
I know El mostly for his insight on movies and other entertainment-related material. Although I didn't care much for Donnie Darko, (the best part of the film for me was the line "I'm voting Dukakis"), he also likes Knight Rider and Hellboy in all of their check-your-brain-at-the-door goodness. In addition, we both agree that the best zombie is a slow-moving zombie. Speaking of zombie movies, I still don't get all the love for Shaun of the Dead. I bought it (on sale, of course) and laughed at a few parts, but that was about it. I guess you really have to be into the zombie genre in order to fully appreciate this movie. (I'm sure the same could be said about me and my love for "Don't be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood.")
• If you read yesterday’s entry, you probably caught the babble Psycho Princess and nl-asshole spewed out in regards to Mrs. kkk mowing the lawn instead of me performing this tedious chore. The shock. The horror. The outrage. This got me the thinking about other around-the-house duties the better half and I perform and who does what in this union of wedded bliss. Fifty-plus years ago the husband in a marriage was supposed to go out and bring home the bacon while the wife would cook, clean and take care of the kids. Fast-forward to 2006; this sort of role-playing is extinct for many households. What does the job arrangement look like at the kkk manor? Let’s take a gander.
When Mrs. kkk and I bought our little slice of the American dream, we came to an agreement that I would mow the lawn while she trimmed the edges of our property with the weed whacker. This way one person wouldn't spend an entire afternoon doing yardwork. The funny thing is for as much as I suck at weed whacking, I think she is even worse. Before she broke the first weed whacker by putting the wrong kind of fuel into its tank, she managed to strike me with that wire shit that actually does the cutting. (I could also mention the time she got pissed off and kicked the weed whacker across the back yard because it wouldn't start. Wait a second, I just did.) Because she probably weed whacks once for every six or seven times I mow the lawn, she’ll surprise me every now and then if she has a day off and feels motivated to romp around outside for a few hours.
There’s something else we agreed upon regarding outside work, and that involved planting flowers and other hippie shit. Basically the rule is I want no part of doing this. I don’t care what she does in regards to planting trees or removing shrubs. All I ask is that she not set fire to the property, hit a gas line, or do something that will require us to file a home owner’s insurance claim. When there’s a sizeable job that needs to be done, she’ll call on me to do the heavy lifting. Well, maybe not heavy. More like medium lifting. Take for example one of her summer’s big projects: removing two dozen cement blocks and several dozen bricks the previous owners had half-buried throughout the front and back yard. What is Mrs. kkk planning to do upon removal of these heavy slabs? I have no idea. All I know is that these blocks were a real bitch to transport. On the bright side at least we didn’t have to worry about hauling them beyond out driveway due to the fact her one boss took them for some project he was working on in his yard; one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Other fun duties we share include raking the leaves that fall from our one backyard tree every autumn season. We also take turns shoveling snow in the wintertime. Why do we take turns with the snow? Because each of us can’t stand the way the other person shovels. I prefer to start in the middle of the drive way and shovel “width-wise” in both directions, stacking snow on each of the driveway’s edges. Mrs. kkk prefers to just shovel in one direction and scoop all the snow off to one side. There are other duties that for one reason or another each of us exclusively performs. If there is a hornet's nest that needs gassed, she takes pleasure in destroying it; however, should there be a dead bird that flew into our back porch’s screen, I am the one who buries the carcass.
Well, that about covers all the work we do in regards the house's exterior. Tomorrow we'll see what each of us does indoors.
• So on Sunday the better half is having some sort of Tupperware party or whatever. I have no clue what the hell is going on, but she’s inviting some people over to buy some crappy houseware items and I’ll be confined to either to top floor or the basement. Whenever Mrs. kkk is expecting visitors she cleans up the house, and this upcoming event is no exception to this habit. To help her with the illusion that we’re not white trash, I decided to mow the lawn in preparation for her big brouhaha. Actually, I mowed the lawn today because the remains of Hurricane Earnesto are scheduled to make an appearance in the Mid-Atlantic region on Friday, and today would be the only time I would probably have in the next week or so to mow the lawn. Besides, I hate cutting the grass on a weekend; it takes away from the whole concept of doing nothing for a few days before going back to work. As I was preparing the lawnmower for another go around the kkk estate, I checked the amount of gas the mower had in the tank. There wasn’t a huge reserve, but I thought there would be enough to last one more mowing session.
I thought wrong.
Sonofabitch. I was about three-quarters finished with my mowing when the lawnmower began to sputter. I knew then that I’d be making a pit stop to the local Quickie Mart because the reserve gas can was empty. Since the better half mowed the lawn last time, she must have used up the last of the petrol. Oh well. I didn’t feel like using a credit card to pay for only two gallons of fuel, so I busted into the change jar and got out $3.50 in change to go along with the $2 cash in my wallet. Now I know what you’re thinking, “OMG he’s one of those ‘pays-with-change’ assholes.” Well, this time I was. However, I have a rule about paying with change. I try to make the transaction as easy as possible for the cashier because I HATED having someone just toss several dollars worth of quarters, dimes, nickels and pennies onto my workstation in order to pay for their purchase. I counted several times the $3.50 amount I had in just quarters, dimes and nickels (no pennies this time) and headed off to the local Quickie Mart.
As I pulled up to the store I stood by the entrance (out of the way of other customers mind you) to sort out this change once again. I put four quarters in one hand, along with ten dimes. I then put two dimes and six nickels on the other side of the quarters. In my other hand I had 20 nickels. I then went into the store and waited my turn. To my surprise there was only one cashier working during afternoon rush hour, but whatever. I approached him and said in a clear voice, “I’d like to prepay $5.50 for pump #3. I’m going to pay with $2 in bills and $3.50 in change.” I then put the four quarters on the counter. I followed it up with the 10 dimes followed by the 20 nickels and then the two dimes and six nickels. I had these coins spaced out so any right-thinking person could tell that I was trying to make the cashier’s job easer by separating the coins by type and in increments of $1 per pile. Hell, I was even telling this kid what I was doing as I was making my piles: “Here’s $1 in quarters, $1 in dimes, $1 in nickels and 50 cents in dimes and nickels.” So what does this asshole do? He takes all of the change, puts it into one big piles and asks, “Did you want to pay for this with exact change?”
Oh for fuck’s sake.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Today’s caller was a 28-year old chick that doesn’t know what to do about her husband. She has been married for eight years and has two kids. Recently she’s had concerns about the way her hubby has been acting, especially when a few days ago he got drunk at 4 p.m. and got verbally abusive with her when she told him they weren’t going to have sex. Oh, and also their one kid had a friend over for a play date at this time, too.
• So yesterday I got this pseudo-magazine in the mail that my local government school district publishes. As I was thumbing through it I got to a section where I was introduced to the new teachers at Norwin High School. Goddamn are these people young; at least three-fourths of them have to be in their low- to mid-20s (I can't remember a non-substitute teacher I had that was in his or her 30s, let alone 20s, during my school days). Most seem to be doing lower-grade subjects, which got me the thinking of a conversation I had with this chick back in Ohio about teacher’s pay.
This chick from my time in Ohio had a degree in elementary education, or something similar, and was looking for a job teaching these little brats. Somehow we got on the subject of teacher’s compensation. Genuinely curious about this subject I asked her if she thought she should be paid the same as a high-school professor. She said yes, and I asked why. She couldn’t give an answer, and when I compared her job of making sure everyone has a blankie for naptime to the 12th grade AP Science prof dealing with chemicals that could blow up the school he or she is teaching in, I could tell by the stare I was receiving that I was getting into trouble. Oh well. Too fucking bad.
• I don’t really care about the following article or the story it tells. I’m just surprised Utah has a Democrat elected to anything.
• This headline made me laugh: Bucs' Sanchez Has Something to Play For. You bet he does – to be good enough to get the hell off this team via a trade or free agency.
• The hell?
You mean to tell me Republicans were around back then? Damn. Oh, speaking of wacky weather, I had Hannity’s radio show on for a few minutes today (Why oh why did Salem Radio get rid of Dave Ramsey?) and he had a caller that said if Bush caused Hurricane Katrina last year, shouldn’t he get some credit for moving Hurricane Ernesto away from Florida? For some reason this made me laugh. I guess Bush’s decision to steer Ernesto away from the Sunshine State was because the hurricane was going to hit some white neighborhoods. Think about that before you go vote in this year’s elections. Should Democrats take control of Congress, W. is going to fuck some shit up for you Seaboard districts with next year’s wave of hurricanes. Hell, I’m sure he also has power over tornados, earthquakes and volcanoes, so even if you live away from a large body of water, be warned.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this ). We have a tie.
Caller A: This woman used to be married to this guy. They already had a few kids (I didn’t hear if they were through adoption or screwing), and then they adopted this girl. Well, it turns out her man was molesting the kid, and eventually he got busted. The happy couple has since split up, and the ex-hubby’s jail sentencing hearing is quickly approaching. This lady was asked by the State to appear and give some testimony as to what a bastard this guy was, but she’s not sure if she wants to do this. The reason? Because it might give her ex a longer sentence.
Caller B: This divorced mom, complete with 14-year old boy, started a relationship with this guy who was also the father of a 16-year old girl. One day the caller walked in on the kids having sex. Her question was how to keep these two kids away from each other.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 58: King PK
He’s a mod that likes fiddling with the folders, much to the chagrin of some posters. He’s also an ass when it comes to NFL teams being in the correct division. But goddamn do I love that Avatar.
• Well it’s been one year since Hurricane Katrina hit and we got to see the Great Society in all of its glory. And while journalists are commemorating the occasion with reflections of how heroic they were during this time last year in their reporting of mass rapes and cannibalism at the Superdome, it’s made me reflect and think of how lucky I am to be living near the Shittsburgh area.
Yeah, you heard me.
It’s hard for hurricanes to move in this far inland, and if Shittsburgh gets slammed, then I’m sure Philadelphia would be taken out first, which is a sacrifice I can deal with (wiping out Harrisburg when the state legislature is in session would be a bonus, too). I don’t think there are any nearby active volcanoes, and although we see a tornado every now and then we aren’t in Tornado Alley. The area doesn't face water shortages like the Desert Southwest, and it’s never too hot or too cold, at least when compared to Alaska and Florida. I guess nothing, not even bad weather, wants to stop by this neck of the woods. In fact, the only disasters I have to deal with around here are Democrats. Sure they may take my house via eminent domain (as probably would most Republicans), but at least I'd get "fair market" value and not be BUTT-fucked by my insurance company should a tornado touch down on my property line.
• So it looks like that guy who claimed to witness JonBenet Ramey’s death probably lied about his involvement with this case. Don’t care. Whenever there is a media storm like this I run for cover by watching DVDs and playing video games until it is safe to turn back on cable news. My only question in this whole fiasco is what the hell is up with those pants?
• This is why I hate it when "children" are mentioned in a story.
Who gives a shit? The man died. Would it have been better if this happened during rehearsal or something when nobody was around? Damn this acrobat. Why did you have to die in front of the CHILDREN?
• If this is indeed true, I’m surprised Amnesty International isn’t all up in a tizzy over this. After all, one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male is have him watch an animation of himself having gay sex with Satan.
• Now this is funny. However I’m a bit suspicious over the authenticity of this bathroom banter.
Bitch you knew your mic was on the whole time. No married woman says such things about her lesser half.
I’ve been on a customer kick as of late, so I might as well keep the trend going. Now normally bitching about stupid customers is what many former customers service representatives remember during their time at these go-nowhere jobs, but that isn’t always the case. I think one problem many customers have is that they always seem afraid to admit when they’re wrong or when they fuck up. One of my favorite customer exchanges came while working at the Quickie Mart. The store had an ATM and one afternoon a middle-aged woman went to use the services of this machine, which was one of those that you only had to swipe your card through rather than insert it into the machine. For some reason I caught the end of her transaction, and once her receipt was spit out she stood there in bewilderment for a few seconds. She then turned around to me and said, “The machine ate my card!” I replied, “No it didn’t.” When she asked, “How do you know?” I answered, “Because it can’t” and pointed to her one hand. It was at that time she looked down and saw that she was holding her ATM card. Now while many customers would probably get pissed off at this point, seeing how the lowly cashier had just “dissed” them, this lady just busted out laughing and did a variation of the “whoosh” gesture with her hand and the top of her head and left. If only more customers were like that. We all do dumb things every now and then, and if you can’t laugh at yourself then you can’t laugh any other people.
On the flip side of this spectrum are the asshole regular customers. There were many at the Quickie Mart, but one that really sticks out was “One and One Man.” This miserable old bastard always came in and would order a small coffee and a newspaper. Since a small coffee and newspaper was something like one dollar and change he would always walk by a register, say “one and one” and toss the money on the counter and proceed to make a fucking mess of sugar and creamer juice by the coffee station. Now all of this was tolerable enough, but one time he pissed me off for what he did to a co-worker of mine. To say that this kid was portly would be an understatement; he was a big boy. However, he was a nice guy, but for some reason customers always gave him shit; probably because of his girth or something equally lame. Well one day One and One Man came up to his register with just a coffee, and this kid asked him, in a polite and courteous way, “Did you already buy your newspaper today?” One and One Man snippily replied, “Did you eat?” which I managed to hear. This pissed me off, and the stare I shot at him from the time he said that until he walked out the door made him aware that I heard what he said. For the next week or two I was a bastard (well, at least more than I usually was) to One and One Man. I didn’t say anything to him, but rather I would just accept his money and return change in the same manner he would behave toward us who worked at the Quickie Mart. One Saturday morning he threw his money at me for his “one and one,” and I proceeded to throw his change right back at him, turn my back and walk away in one swift motion. He then began screaming and my co-worker (a different chick from my 8/28 entry) had to play damage control, which was nothing new considering she was the “good half” to our morning tandem. Of course One and One Man would return and return again, and I don’t think I ever said anything to him. Hopefully he’s dead by now.
• And now for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady phones in and wants to know … actually, I don’t really know the reason for her call. All I was listening to was how she was unemployed and that she never gets along with the upper management at any of her places of employment. The problem, according to her, was the lack of support her bosses gave her when it came time to “back her up” with the employees she was supposed to supervise. You go girl. It sucks having to supervise people you had no part with during their hiring process. And yes, most upper managers are spineless, but that’s why they make the big bucks. However, when asked how many jobs she had worked the caller replied, “Three jobs in four months.” Goddamn, even I’m not that big of an insubordinate.
So there I was a week or so ago winning the Stanley Cup in NHL ’06. Uh, yay, I guess. A few days later I proceeded to do all the off-season stuff this game has to offer (which isn’t much, but whatever). I generally like console off-season features. It’s a nice break from playing the actual games, plus it’s usually not too detailed with tedious shit that you have to do. Well after signing draft picks and a free agent or two, I decided to save. Now you know whenever you save a Playstation game it has that wording on the screen, “Don’t remove card, shut power off, etc.”? Well I now know why you shouldn’t do this. The fucking power went out in mid-save. The kicker? It went out for about 2 seconds. File corrupted. End of story.
I figured this was God’s way of telling me to get up and do something with my life. Was this “something” to devote my time to charity, mentor a youth or visit a retirement home? Well I certainly hope not because my definition of “something” in this case was to go and get more video games. One type of sports game I haven’t purchased in a long time is basketball, so I decided now would be a good time to try this genre out. A few days ago I bought NBA 2k5, ESPN College Hoops 2005 and NCAA Football ’05. Not only did these games cost me less than $10 total, but I think they will tide me over until/if I get a next-gen console a few years from now. I normally buy Electronic Arts sports games, but the ESPN brand seems to get much better reviews over the EA titles when it comes to basketball. I also went with the ESPN brand for basketball because you can import draft classes, which for some reason I want to do; that’s why I also purchased NCAA ’05.
Getting beat by the Charlotte Bobcats is telling me it will take some time to get the hang of the game play for the basketball titles; the last NBA game I remember playing was NBA Live ’95 and NBA Jam on my Genesis. One thing I could have really done without was hearing Stuart Scott on the loading screens. Christ, the developers thought this was a good idea? After a few games Bill Walton’s commentary is still making me laugh. I think I committed only a half-dozen “inexcusable” errors my last game, which is tells me I'm improving.
One thing I like about NCAA Hoops is that you can generate random names instead of those annoying jersey numbers. Thankfully most of the controls are the same as NBA 2k5, although I HATE the way you shoot free throws in this game. In addition, I don’t think you can change the screen angle, which is odd. However, for some reason I’m having more fun playing the NCAA game than its NBA counterpart.
Since I talked about my first two purchases, I might as well give my opinion on NCAA ’05 Football: it’s Madden-lite, which isn’t a negative criticism. The only thing I don’t like with this game are the numbers replacing player names. I’m not complaining though because there are worse things out there, like having to listen to Stuart Scott during loading screens.
A while back I was talking about Lottery People and mentioned some of my fun exploits with this breed of customer. In one entry I mentioned how my Quickie-Mart’s management had two sets of rules: one set were rules that were flexible and another set that were rigid. The flexible rules were ones that our district managers would tell us we had to perform, but everyone never did, including our store manager. One such rule was not being allowed to accept anything bill denomination higher than $20. Sometimes when our manager who was one rank above our store manager was on the rag she’d bitch about us having too many $100 bills in our safe, but otherwise we would always accommodate our customers who would pay with a $50 or $100 bill.
Did I say “we”? I meant “everyone but me.” Below are my top three customer experiences with people wanting to pay for $10 worth of gas with a $100 bill, or something close to that nature.
3) I had this guy with some bratty kids come up to my register, and when he opened his wallet he handed me a $100 bill for $20 or so worth of gas. After telling him I couldn’t accept his currency due to store policy he said that he had no other way to pay for his order. I was calling bullshit on this one for two reasons. Reason A: When he opened his wallet I saw several credit cards. Reason B: When he opened his wallet, I noted a number of dollar bills in his wallet that were of acceptable denomination. Now we were told that if a customer couldn’t pay for his or her fuel, we were to take their driver’s license until they returned with payment. Naturally, I told him that if he was unable to pay for his order that I would need his license. He said, “You can look at it, but you’re not going to take it from me.” I responded with something like, “Well if you drive off this lot I am going to call the police and report a gray Buick with the plate numbers *I called them out while writing them down on a slip of paper* just drove off without paying." Surprise. He pulled out a $20 bill and paid for his purchase.
2) This guy came in to pay with a $50 bill and I said that I wasn’t allowed to accept anything over a $20. I then got one of my favorite customer lines. “Well where’s a sign that says this, huh?” I love it when a customer pulls this, because then I get to point out all the signs they missed on their way to the register. I pointed to the two signs at my counter, the two at my co-workers counter, the half-dozen or so that were posted throughout the store, the several that were posted by the entranceway, and the signs posted on EVERY ONE OF MY STORE’S EIGHT PUMPS. The customer wasn’t amused, but I sure as hell was.
1) Some guy tried to pay for his fuel with a $100 bill, which I told him I wasn’t allowed to accept. After he threw a fit for several minutes about how I had to accept this because it was “legal U.S. tender,” I told him that he could go the other cashier standing next to me because she’d probably accept your payment. I, on the other had, wouldn’t because that’s not our store policy and that I had been reprimanded before for accepting a $50 bill. (OK, so this was a lie. Big deal.) Instead of going to the other cashier, who had a deer in headlights look because I had dragged her into this mess, this guy threw a fit for a little while longer and asked for our company’s customer service number. I said it’s posted right outside the entrance door. He then went outside and pulled out his cell phone to call our 1-800 number and complain about me. One problem. He called the local phone number posted out by the door instead of calling the 1-800 number. I picked up our ringing phone and got to hear this guy say how he has been a loyal customer of our company for years and spends A LOT of money with us. He then said that a cashier at one of our stores was refusing him service because he wanted to pay with a $100 bill. You would think this guy would realize that he was talking to the cashier he interacted with just a few minutes ago, but he didn’t (I’m surprised he didn’t pick up on the background noise, like, say, ringing registers and all those other Quickie-Mart noises). I said the cashier was in the right and that they aren’t allowed to accept any bills higher than a $20 because it was a safety issue and that our store’s insurance carrier demands this policy be adhered to. I then added some bullshit about how there are these “mystery shoppers” who try to pay with $50 or $100 bills just to see if the cashier would accept the payment, and that if the cashier would accept these bills they would be fired. He bitched about something or other, hung up, went back into the store and paid for his purchase with a $20.
With these tales you may wonder why I would be such an asshole to customers? Well, 1) I am an asshole. 2) You need to entertain yourself somehow during an eight-hour shift.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 59: Fazzle
A three-year kkk Bowl vet with the Carolina Panthers, plus I remember seeing a picture of him surrounded by some cute chicks that were around his age. Good work. He’s also the second poster in a row on this list who has talked about paying for sex. Weird.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
• Something I had believed all my life has just been taken away from me. No, it's not blacks having the same voting rights as me (that news hit hard a few elections ago). It's Pluto no longer being classified as a planet. And to think there are actual people out there who debate this kind of shit.
• The hell? Normally it’s the dogs that are in front of their owners running in every which way.
• New York Slimes, please please please transfer Paul Krugman to Beijing. If some researcher can get three years in jail for “fraud,” Krugman will get at least 25 to life with his next economics-based column.
• While I’m on the Journalists-in-trouble kick, I don’t know why terrorists thought they could get anywhere by capturing cable television reporter Steve Centanni. What, did they think they now have a direct line to the White House? OMG FAUX NEWS LOL2006. Wait a second. There are people who seriously think this. Oops.
• So Forbes Magazine declares Milwaukee to the America’s drunkest city. I guess those people really do like to have some wine with that cheese.
• If you had any questions regarding my recent rant about lottery people, this should put those doubts to rest. Why bother to bold-face all the funny parts of this story?
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 60: Prime Time Andrew Doyle
I’ve known Mr. Doyle through the years via my NFL pick ‘em contest, and he seems like an OK enough bloke. He’s from Down Under, and I’ve always liked Australians. He’s also been tempted to seek the services of a hooker right after his classes finish early, but he’s too cheap to pay the $140 for a half-hour of service. Money Over Bitches. My kind of guy.
• Yet another difference between men and women. A conversation the better half and I had a few days ago.
• There are certain professions that once you find a good person at his or her craft, you latch onto them for dear life. Some examples include those in the car repair and medical field. I’d also include veterinarians in this category, too. When our one kitty got sick a few years ago our vet at the time did nothing but say, “Well he probably has cancer,” and that was it. Infuriated with the lack of service we received, the better half went to another veterinarian that was nearby. Even though there was really nothing that could be done with our cat (he died a few months later after putting up one hell of a fight against medical conditions that couldn’t be cured, and it wasn’t cancer), we were, and will be, forever grateful for the care he received. As much as I like this vet, her receptionist/customer service representative staff could use an overhaul. They’re not rude or anything like that, but God are they stupid. Our one cat Max needs a special brand of food that is not available with the brands offered to the public. Last Tuesday I placed an order for a bag of dry food, since his supply was running low. We were told that they would call us when the order arrived. Well, yesterday (one week later) I called to inquire about the status of our order, and I was told that it had been at the office for several days. I don’t think Max minded though, considering we were feeding him soft food for the previous few days when his kibble ran out, much to the chagrin of his brother and sister. It’s bad enough we have to feed Max in a separate room of the house because the other two cats always want to eat his specialized cat food, but when he’s getting specialized SOFT food it’s like a revolt is taking place in our house.
Oh, and back to the staff at this vet clinic. I had to wait 10 minutes for them to ring up my order of two bags of specialized formula and one bag of another brand of dry cat food. These people couldn’t figure out how to ring up the price. And, yes, I do keep track of how long I’m waiting to pay for a bill at this place. I don’t get mad by having to wait; it’s just something to do to pass the time away. Another observation about this place: just about every cat that is brought in for examination is quiet and well behaved. When one of my three are in their carrier, which is big enough for a medium-sized dog, they never shut up on the way there, during the examination, and on the way home.
• And now time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): Some lady says that her husband was told by a friend of his to put a note in the back pocket of his jeans that were going to be washed. That way the wife will pull it out while searching through the pockets before they went into the washing machine and read it. Well this stupid idea actually worked, and the guy wrote that he didn’t know if this marriage would last. The reason? Due to the wife’s lack of sexual desire.
This stuff just writes itself.
Bwahahahahaha. Man, I don’t know where to begin with this. Earlier today I was flipping channels because the usual NFL Live/Jim Rome/Around the Horn lineup I watch while exercising was canned due to those brats in Williamsport. I came across a Tucker Carlson show on MSNBC. Normally I’d just keep on flipping, but something caught my eye. Was it? Could it be? It was!
My n*gga Neal Boortz was on the show commenting on this very subject! And he stole my line of, “Well if the challenges deal with math the Asians have this won.” Bastard. But I digress. Now it's time to play the game that's sweeping the nation.
GUESS THAT RACE
Because I don’t want to ruin your playing experience, first I’ll just list the names and profiles of this season’s Survivor contestants. Next I will make my guesses as to each person's race and give the reasons for my picks. Finally, I’ll post the answers followed by my reaction to each one. Let’s see how well I do. I’m only going to go through this list one time, and there will be no backtracking or editing of my answers. Reading all the names and doing a process of elimination is for hippies.
THE CONTESTANTS:
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angele.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C..
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
THE GUESSES:
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
A tough one right off the bat. I want to say Asian, but they didn’t say she did nails at the mall. Because of that I’m going with White or Black, but which one? I’m going with White because I don’t visualize many Blacks in a place called Laurelton. Unless she’s light-skinned, which is possible. Shit. I’m going with my first thought and saying Black.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
You got to be fucking kidding me. Asian.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.
The style of music cinches it for me. Black.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Hard. The “J.P.” it signaling a minority, but pro volleyball? White.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Well I know which person the blacks will throw off the island first. My initial thought was White, but I’m going to go with Hispanic because I’m sensing a swerve here.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Deep South, older nursing student. I’m going to say Black.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Asian. Nah, just kidding. White as rice, err, snow, even with that last name. Wait a second. I’m not a heavy metal guy; I can’t think of many (fuck that, I can’t think of ANY) Hispanic front men, but could they be playing instruments? I’ll still go White.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
A person in California with a job not picking produce? He ain’t Hispanic. I’ll go with Black because I sense another swerve. My reasoning? Copier sales = rappers copy other people’s music. Close enough.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Hispanic. I feel bad for his boss who is trying to figure out why there’s a high rate of theft at the store.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Asian, although the feminazi hyphenated last name is drawing a red flag. On second thought, I’m going Hispanic. Another good front. They sell the house to a family, then clean them out after they move in. No. Hispanics work in slaughterhouses in Illinois. Asian it is.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
They’re not even trying with this one. Asian.
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.
Eww. You got the “Becky” for white and the “Lee” for Asian. Shit. I see more White chick attorneys than Asian. I’m playing the numbers on this one.
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
I don’t know many blacks with the nickname “Ozzy,” although I’m skeptic at a White guy being a waiter in California. He might be a pseudo-actor though. Sorry Hispanics, I’m going White here.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
I’m glad I went White above, because I’m going Hispanic here.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Charles Oakley was black, and a damn good rebounder, too. Sundra sounds like the Sudan, so I’m going Black.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
“Pen”er and a writer? Only a White guy would be that lame.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
If it were a kick-boxer I’d go Asian, but the fact she is a waitress makes me guess Hispanic.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
I don’t need to comment on this one. Do I? White. This only thing of color in this profile is the name of the city.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Crap. I don’t know. I’m going to say Hispanic just because. I do know that whatever race this guy ends up being, he’s gay.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
The better half knew a Black chick studying for a Masters/Ph.D. during her time in grad school who had the same first name as Ms. Woodcock, so I’m not falling for the “premed” trap on this one.
THE ANSWERS:
The proof.
Rebecca Borman, 24, makeup artist, Laurelton, New York.
Black. 1 for 1.
I was right on with this one.
Anh-Tuan "Cao Boi" Bui, 42, nail salon manager, Christiansburg, Virginia.
Asian. 2 for 2.
This one shouldn’t even count.
Sekou Bunch, 45, jazz musician, Los Angeles.
Black 3 for 3.
That first name and the choice of music was just too much for me not to pass up.
J.P. Calderon, 30, pro volleyball player, Marina Del Rey, California.
Hispanic. 3 for 4.
Even with this mistake, I know Al Keiper would still give me a good win-share figure.
Cristina Coria, 35, police officer, Los Angeles.
Hispanic. 4 for 5.
Ha. I knew it.
Stephannie Favor, 35, nursing student, Columbia, South Carolina.
Black. 5 for 6.
OK, now I’m starting to scare myself.
Billy Garcia, 36, heavy metal guitarist, New York City.
Hispanic. 5 for 7.
Damn. I should have went with the name over the profession on this one.
Adam Gentry, 28, copier sales, San Diego.
White. 5 for 8.
I missed the boat on this one, but these California contestants could go any way.
Nathan Gonzalez, 26, retail sales, Los Angeles.
Black. 5 for 9.
Like I said above about Adam.
Jenny Guzon-Bae, 36, real estate agent, Lake Forest, Illinois.
Asian. 6 for 10.
Whew. That was a close one.
Yul Kwon, 31, management consultant, San Mateo, California.
Asian. 7 for 11.
Next. Say, with my current score, how come India or the Middle East aren’t being represented in this season of Survivor?
Becky Lee, 28, attorney, Washington, D.C.
Asian. 7 for 12.
Shucks. If I watched more Alley McBeal I might have gotten this one right. Oh well, I’ll take the wrong answer over watching that show any day.
Oscar "Ozzy" Lusth, 25, waiter, Venice, California.
Hispanic. 7 for 13.
I hate these California entries.
Cecilia Mansilla, 29, technology risk consultant, Oakland.
Hispanic. 8 for 14.
I went with the name over the job and am glad for it.
Sundra Oakley, 31, actress, Los Angeles.
Black. 9 for 15.
Yeppers.
Jonathan Penner, 44, writer/producer, Los Angeles.
White. 10 for 16.
I know my own people too well.
Parvati Shallow, 23, boxer/waitress, Los Angeles.
White. 10 for 17.
Well maybe I don’t know my own people all that well. I forgot about Million Dollar Baby.
Jessica Smith, 27, performance artist/rollergirl, Chico, California.
White. 11 for 18
Even if she wasn’t part of “your own people” you had to get this one right.
Brad Virata, 29, fashion director, Los Angeles.
Asian. 11 for 19
The hell? I just guessed on this one anyway.
Candice Woodcock, 23, premed student, Fayetteville, North Carolina.
White. 11 for 20
That last name sounded WASP-y, but I was going with personal experience. Looks like I need to broaden my horizons.
FINAL SCORE: 55 percent.
Well there you go. No matter which race becomes the ultimate Survivor, the true winners in this competition are the Jews in charge of this show.
• Well I’m offended. Shittsburgh’s mayor was recently diagnosed with several brain tumors and has been seeking treatment for his condition. No, that’s not what got my panties in a bunch. It’s that today a public prayer vigil was held from 11 a.m. to noon. On city property. OMG CALL THE ACLU! Where’s The Fascist Barry Lynn to tear shit up when you really need him? What a travesty. There could have been a little atheist walking by this public display of religious activity, and he or she could have been offended by what I had only thought went on in red states. I certainly hope the ACLU does something about this; at the very least they better write a scolding letter to the city threatening legal action if this sort of thing should ever happen again.
• This story cracks me up.
Now these coaches who ordered the intentional walk are going to be vilified more in the press than Hezbollah. I think there are more important things in life than having your pee-wee squad winning some hippie championship, but so what if the weaker hitter was a cancer survivor? Would this story become a nation-wide topic if this kid were just naturally not athletic? Fuck that. If you are going to put a kid like this behind your team’s best hitter, even at the 9-year-old level, then you run the risk of having some win-at-all-costs manager on the other team willing to take advantage of this situation. The only thing I would see “wrong” with this story would be if not allowing intentional walks was an “unwritten” rule or something in this league. If that was the case, then that manager who issued the intentional walk pulled a bitch move; otherwise, all is fair in baseball. If you want to complain that the opposing manager issued an intentional walk of a team’s best player to get to a weaker hitter in a crucial game situation involving grade-school kids, that’s fine. But don’t play up the “cancer” angle because that won’t score any points (not to mention runs) with me.
Yesterday I gave my uninformed predictions about the AFC. Now it’s time to do the same with the NFC.
NFC EAST
I’ve been hearing about how this may be the toughest division in football. Is it? I have no idea. However, I know this will be the most entertaining division in football, especially with the ESPN crowd rushing to Donovan McNabb’s defense every time he throws an interception. I can hear Chris Berman blaming Terrell Owens already for all of McNabb’s problems. Anyway, I think Philly will finish in last place, followed by Emily Manning and the Giants. Every year it seems like a running back or two just breaks down right in front of our eyes due to wear and tear or age. This year I’m guessing it will happen to Tiki Barber. I have no rhyme or reason for this guess; I just think he will. Having said that, he’ll probably rush for 2,000 yards, which if that’s the case and my predictions are that off base, I hope Emily passes for 5,000 yards and wins the Super Bowl MVP award. I’ll give Washington the nod to win the division with the Cowboys coming in a close second.
NFC NORTH
Oh my God what a pathetic division. I feel for the Vikings in a way because this preseason has gone to shit for them, what with their top pick out with an ACL injury and that Robinson guy getting busted for drunk driving. If the Bears don’t win this division then they have no business being in the NFL. I’ll put Minnesota at number two because, despite all the stuff that’s happened to this team over the past year or so, they are still in a division with Detroit and Green Bay. Speaking of which, I'm guessing the Lions will come in third followed by the Packers just because. Does it really matter which team finishes 5-11 and which team finishes 4-12?
NFC SOUTH
I’ve liked what the Carolina Panthers have done over the past few years, and I’m predicting them to finish first once again. The Bucs will come in second, followed by the Falcons. While I’m on the subject of Atlanta, I don’t understand why some coaches feel it necessary to try and make scrambling quarterbacks into pocket passers. Let them do their thing, and if they have to retire a few years early so be it. I remember back when the Philadelphia Eagles tried to harness Randall Cunningham; what happened to their franchise quarterback? He got hurt in the pocket. New Orleans will get a lot of ESPN hype thanks to Mr. Bush, but they’ll still lose. The only difference is I’ll probably get sick of the Bush/Mario Williams comparisons by Week 4.
NFC WEST
No wonder Seattle always goes to the playoffs – look at this division. Spot any team six wins and they’ll get a wild-card entry at the very least. I got the Rams coming in second, even though I have no idea who is on that team. I’m sick of hearing each year how the Cardinals are a “sleeper pick” with all those wide receivers. You know why they have such good receiving stats? They’re always playing catch-up. You don't go three yards and a cloud of dust when you're trailing by 20 points by halftime. The 49ers will be better, but that’s just because they can’t get much worse.
Here are the parameters. I have put no research into how I think all 32 teams will fare this year. It's the NFL: who the hell knows what will happen. I've heard a few headlines dealing with team issues, but other than that I have no clue who went where in the off-season. So with that in mind, let the predictions begin.
AFC EAST
Miami played well in the second half of last season, and many people are talking about this being the year for them to take the division. That is certainly possible, what with the free-agent losses the Pats faced in the off-season. However, I usually go by the rule of putting the champ on top until they get de-throned, and I will do so with the Patriots. I have the Jets at number three and the Bills at number four just because.
AFC NORTH
I have no clue what's going to happen here. These top three teams are interchangeable, and who knows what Cleveland is going to do this year. I have Shittsburgh up at the top for the same reason I have New England winning the AFC North. (EDIT: haha PK. Faggot.) For the last few years I've been hearing about how dangerous Baltimore can be, and this year I'm actually taking this hype somewhat seriously with McNair coming over from the Titans. I hear Cincinnati has a tough schedule, and with Palmer's health issues along with the off-season troubles some of their players have been experiencing, I have to put them at third. Cleveland is in last place because, well, it's Cleveland.
AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis lost Edgerrin James but they're still going to be good and win this division. I think that window of opportunity for a Super Bowl win is close to being shut for them. Jacksonville is a nice second-place team. I'm pulling for Houston because I'm already tired of the OMG THEY DIDN'T DRAFT REGGIE BUSH LOL MARIO WILLIAMS ONE-AND-A-HALF-TACKLES talk. I have no idea what's going on with Tennessee, although I think it's funny they have LenDale White and Vince Young on the same roster.
AFC WEST
Much like the AFC North, I have no idea what's going to happen here. Oakland is in last place because they are in a division with three good teams. San Diego is in third place because they have the most potential to sputter out of the gate and call it a season early, what with the unproven Rivers as their starting quarterback. Kansas City is in second place because I like their running game and that defense has to be better than previous years. I have Denver in first just because I've been hearing too much hype about the Chiefs being the "surprise" team of the league, which really isn't much of a surprise considering they just missed the playoffs with a 10-6 record last year. Preseason hype tends to shoot up a red flag for me.
That's all for the AFC. Tomorrow I will evaluate the NFC for a minute or two with my uninformed opinions.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 61: 2Gold
I don’t know why I like this guy, but I just do. He just seems … there. Hell, even Kotz likes him, and it’s in a non-sexual matter, too. Let’s see, he plays Madden video games, remembers that Tom Hanks movie about Dungeons & Dragons and doesn't mind buying tampons or care about being in threesomes. Now that's apathy.
And now a word or six from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From Lovecraft:
From The Real World's Champion:
From Porter:
From Black Lushus:
From Carnival:
From Cancer Marney:
• So I went into the office today due to the fact I’d rather work alone without any distractions and take a weekday off – it’s like a buy-one-get-one-free in regards to being away from co-workers. Anyway, on my way home I was taking this one interstate that is pretty empty on the weekends. This wasn’t one of those times. As I was wondering which idiot crashed their SUV into someone else’s vehicle, I noticed that a passenger in the car behind me was waving a Terrible Towel. It was then I realized that the Steelers were playing a home game tonight. Shit. On the bright side, at least it’s a preseason game, so the drunken idiots won’t be out in full force as they would be come September. Fortunately, I was driving right as the Steeler gridlock was beginning to form. As I was driving outbound on another interstate, I saw inbound traffic backed up for at least several miles. Yet another reason why I don’t go to football games.
I remember my old man taking me to some Steeler preseason games back in the 1980s when I was a kid, and I think my disdain for attending football games began here. Every time a pass was thrown people around me would stand up and I couldn’t see a damn thing. The only two regular-season games I remember attending was a home opener against the Chiefs one year, which I think was Jack Lambert final game. All I remember about that game was some guy being helped off the field and the Steelers losing. My more recent memory was a better experience. It was a 1993 Monday Night Football game against the Buffalo Bills. My one friend’s dad had tickets for this game, and they brought me along. If memory serves, the Steelers put a whooping on the Bills, something like 24-3. The best moment came late in the game when I had my binoculars focused on Bills wide receiver Don Beebe, who made a pretty impressive catch, only to get smashed by a Steelers defenseman. In a split second, I saw this guy in a white uniform suddenly disappear from my sight only to be replaced by a black and gold blue. I had to put my binoculars down to see how far Beebe got moved, and I think he ended up somewhere out of bounds. Either way, it was a vicious hit.
Oh, another football moment came when I was a kid. It was some preseason game with my old man during the 1980s, and there was stop in the game for something or other. I looked at my dad and asked him “Where are the commercials?” How do I know that this happened? He reminds me of this every other time he talks to me.
• So those bastards at Citi pissed me off today. I have a Dividend card that gives me cash back – 5 percent for all grocery, gas and drug store purchases, 1 percent for everything else. Now I get a letter saying that starting in October my cash back for grocery, gas and drug stores will be 2 percent. But wait, I’ll be able to get 2 percent for all utility bills I put on my Citi card. Bastards. And why did they do this? Because, the letter claimed, they were doing what their customers wanted them to do. Yeah, right. Faggots.
• This is why I don’t donate money to political causes. I just saw a Rick Santorum television ad where he’s in some senior polka center talking about all the great things he does for old people. Who comes up with this shit? Oh well, at least it looks like he combed his hair in this ad, so that’s a plus. Gag. Now Ed Rendell is airing an ad. Go to hell you asshole. He’s bragging about not raising taxes this year – what about the previous years of your administration you piece of shit. Both of these ads were aired during the first half of the Steelers game against the Vikings. I guess focus groups indicate Steeler fans are stupid and will fall for these things. Now that’s a newsflash.
• So a day or so ago I was chatting with one of my AIM peeps, and he mentioned that IWC writer Rick Scaia (is he still around?) has his own Wikipedia entry. For reasons unbeknownst to me I decided to head over and check this out for myself. I wonder who wrote this entry?
Curious to see if any other Internet Wrestling Reporters have their own little slice of Wikipedia, I decided to see who hit the big-time.
Dave Scheer. Nothing.
Bob Ryder. Nothing. (That "Ryder Report" ain't what you think.)
Scott Keith. Something.
Wade Keller. Something.
Dave Meltzer. Something.
Wrestlecrap. Something.
The Shooters. Nothing.
That’s about all I remember from my rasslin’ days. Oh, there was also Mark Madden. He had his own entry, too, but I was more interested in other parts of his Wikipedia references.
Hmm, I detect a pattern. Actually, I cut out the rest of the WTAE part of this entry, which went on to say he is a guest on "Action Sports Sunday" on WTAE-TV, a half-hour sports discussion show. What I really found funny was that the Shittsburgh City Paper dropped him for "questionable taste," considering this publication is one of those urban papers that you have give away for free. And what does being an Internet Wrestling Celebrity and having your own Wikipedia entry mean? I have no clue.
• Sure animal-rights people will bitch about a pig having to die just so some psycho can hold and cut it up all in the name of “art” instead of putting the carcass to good use – like say, making some hickory-smoked bacon out of it. However, what’s even more appalling to me is that this exhibit was taxpayer funded. Oh well, at least it’s the Brits getting screwed over this time and not Americans. And at least the “artist” will be showing her tits. That's got to count for something, right?
• My new hero. Remember, this guy is a so-called CIVIL RIGHTS leader:
Now lets see if Mr. Young gets made fun of by some comedians posing as Bo-Sox radio announcers.
• So one of the big stories coming out the first Monday Night Football game of this NFL preseason was the performance of the new announcing team, particularly that of Tony Kornheiser. Well some in the media were less than complimentary toward Tony’s performance, and I heard earlier this week about Kornheiser ripping into fellow ESPN talking head Mike Golic. I didn’t hear first-hand what Golic said about Tony’s performance, or Kornheiser’s reaction to Golic’s comments on Dan Patrick’s radio show. However, I heard both comments on Golic’s morning radio show the other day. If what Golic said about Kornheiser was indeed “offensive” to him, then Tony needs to grow some thicker skin, and this is not meant to be some sort of cancer joke. Goddamn, what Golic said was nothing – all he really said was that Tony’s performance wasn’t earth shattering. And for someone who makes a living commenting on other people through “Pardon the Interruption,” it is downright laughable for Tony to be whining about the negative criticism about his Monday Night Football performance.
I watched part of the game in question, and yeah the announcing team sounded a bit off. However, this is the first time the three of them have worked together, so naturally there will be a couple of rough edges. Being one of the few people out there who actually liked ESPN’s Sunday Night Football trio of Mike Patrick, Joe Theismann and Paul McGuire, I don’t blame Theismann for not being totally in sync with his new colleagues Mike Tirico and Kornheiser. However, the announcing wasn’t godawful or anything; it was just announcing.
I remember the Dennis Miller experiment at ABC a few years ago, and I commented back then about how much I hated listening to him. Looking back, I felt that I overreacted a bit, so I’m not going to be one of those folks who want to tar-and-feather Kornheiser over not being the next Howard Cosell after just one exhibition game. (I will give Miller points for saying after he was released that he held no ill-will toward ABC and thanked them for giving him the job of his dreams for a few years; other people would have complained to any news camera within 50 feet of their shadow.) Besides, even if this trio flops, it’s not like these Monday Night games are on network television. Pro football may be a ratings beast for cable television, but it pales in comparison to network figures, even if the network ratings are on the decline.
• So there’s some guy who’s said he was present when JonBenet Ramsey died. Oh goodie. I haven’t been paying attention to this story, but I’ve heard that his ex-wife or someone says he wasn’t at the Ramseys during the night JonBenet died. Whatever. I’ll wait until some DNA tests are completed before caring about this story. Too bad this guy wasn’t a Catholic priest; JonBenet would still be alive today. Also, thinking back to one of my favorite South Park episodes (the one that focused solely on Butters), I can’t help but wonder if the third public figure in the You’re-A-Liar Club really didn’t kill his ex-wife. First Gary Condit has been cleared of killing his intern he boinked on the side (not to mention on her back and probably while she was on all fours), now it looks like the Ramseys might be cleared of killing their kid once and for all. Could it only be a matter of time before O.J. finds the real killers?
A few days ago I was talking about Lottery People and how they are different from you and me. To recap, there are two basic types of Lottery People: Those that play games like Powerball and those that go the scratch-off-and-win route. In my recent entry I talked about the “numbers” addicts, and said that for as pathetic as these people are the scratch-off zombies are worse.
Now trying to determine which faction of Lottery People are worse is like trying to decide if you would rather encounter a bunch of black people or Mexicans in a dark alley with $100 in your hand; it usually comes down to one’s personal experiences. While the “Powerball” Lottery People have annoyed me more often during my time working at the Quickie Mart, the “Instant Win” Lottery People have produced more memorable encounters. There’s one that tops them all, however, and it’s a wonder I didn’t get fired from this one.
It started off innocently enough. This middle-aged chick came in and bought a bunch of $2 instant-win tickets. She seemed harmless. Not only did she come at a time when the store wasn’t busy, but also she went to a corner of the store to do her scratching. Many times Instant Win Lottery People just stay at the register and muck up the counter with that scratch-off residue. However, about 10 minutes later she came up to me and said that the one lottery ticket was “defective” and wanted a new one. Whenever a cashier receives a winning instant lottery ticket he or she has to first scan the ticket in the lottery machine. The machine will then ask for a three-digit code that is found on the instant-win ticket. It is only then when a payout is issued. If the three numbers aren’t punched in, there’s no cash payout. (This was back 10 years ago, so I’m not sure if the same process has to be performed.) The issue this woman had was that when she scratched the shit out of her cards she was erasing this three-digit code, too, making her tickets void.
There was a problem with this woman’s request. One of the first things I was taught at the Quickie Mart was NEVER to exchange a used lottery ticket. Now when you’re at a dead-end job you have “rules” that are commonly broken in the name of shutting up whining customers or something of that ilk. Then there are those rules that you are not allowed to bend under any circumstances. Anything dealing with the Pennsylvania lottery fell under the latter. I told this woman that I couldn’t take her “defective” ticket and give her a new one. She started getting pissy with me and whipped out the old, “Well the other guy who works here gave me new tickets,” to which I replied, “I’m not that other guy. And the other guy wasn’t supposed to do that.” This bitch then took out a pen from her purse and demanded to know what my name is, even though my nametag was right in front of her face. I responded by grabbing a writing utensil of my own and asking for her name and phone number. When she asked why I said, “So when you tell your lies to my manager about me I can call you on your line of bullshit.” I never got a number. And she did end up calling my manager. It turns out the “other guy” she had referred to was the boss’s husband.
While I’m talking about Instant Win Lottery People, here is my second most memorable moment. It was Christmas Day 1996 and our lottery machine was down. Now once again one of our “never break under any circumstances” rules was that when the lottery machine goes down you don’t pay out any tickets or sell any non-scratch tickets. Well of course because there are plenty of lazy people out there who give out lottery tickets as presents, I turned away quite a few customers with winning scratch-off tickets. This one guy threw a fucking fit over not being able to get his $1 prize. I told him that the computer system is down and there is nothing I can do. He then whipped out the old, “What’s the big deal? It’s only a $1 ticket,” to which I replied, “Well if it’s only a $1 payout, then what’s the big deal of waiting for when I am permitted to accept the ticket?” He then started to storm out and said those famous words every cashier has heard a million times: “I’m never coming back here again.” This prompted my co-worker at the other register to mutter out “oooooo.” The customer was half-way out the door, stopped, turned back around and yelled, “OK, who said 'OOOOOO'?” My co-worker put his head down and the idiot customer walked up to him and said, “What’s your name?” and looked at his nametag. “Derrick. I’ll remember that name, Derrick.” By this time I was biting down on my tongue so hard that if I had put any more pressure on it I would have tasted blood. I looked at Derrick and replied, “Good job. Now I’m going to have to laugh out loud at this guy while he’s still here,” and began to do just that. This sparked a chain reaction with the other customers in the store. When it was all said and done about a dozen people in the store laughed this guy right out of the place. I don’t know if he ever called to complain about Derrick.
• Well apparently Jerome Bettis caused a stir in Shittsburgh by saying he thinks head coach Bill Cowher will leave the team come season’s end. Of course Mark Madden, who doesn’t like Bettis to begin with, had a field day with this subject on his local radio show. I’ve been afraid to listen to any other local sports talk radio today; when it comes to the Steelers, Shittsburgh fans can rank right up there with Red Sox fans in terms of annoyance. Now I didn’t see the Sunday night football game (I forgot that it was even on), so I didn’t see the segment in question. However, I read what Jerome said, and frankly I don’t get the big deal. In a way, I think it would be good timing if Cowher called it a career and left at the end of the season. Steelers offensive coordinator Ken Wiz-something-or-other is going to be a leading candidate for a head coaching job in the NFL, and what better time to pass the torch?
• Well we can all rest safely; those Muslims that bought 600 pre-paid cell phones have had terrorism charges dropped against them. I heard that the reason given was that they were going to sell the phones for a profit in California or something. Okie dokie. Seeing how I remember reading years ago about some terrorist ring where bad guys would buy cartons of cigarettes in the Carolinas then sell them in places like Michigan, with the profit going to naughty things, I don’t blame any law enforcement agency for suspecting shenanigans whenever Abdul enters a store and says “give me, literally, all your phones.” I guess Allah doesn’t like flexible family plans.
• So this morning there was a pretty bad accident on this one interstate I drive to and from my way to work. I heard on the news that a tour bus went out of control and crashed into a concrete road median. Fortunately for me the exit I use to get on I-376 was right next to the accident, so my gridlock experience was minimal; no more than 5 minutes or so. The one good thing about an accident like this, besides not being involved in it, is that once you pass the scene there is absolutely no traffic to deal with. It feels like being shot out of cannon. One thing about this kinda bugged me though. Right by the accident there is a bridge, and in the early morning hours when the accident occurred the local media were all over that structure with their news vans and shit. On my way home that afternoon I noticed that one news vehicle was still there recording footage. Enough already, KDKA.
• I think what pisses me off most about hearing that billions upon billions of dollars are being wasted on Homeland Security aren't the iPods and beer-making equipment being purchased in the name of protecting the homeland. It’s that at my job I have to budget $70,000 for my department, and even though I am more than 15 percent under my expenses so far for the year (and come December, if I’m still around, I expect to be more than 20 percent under) and I’m not allowed to purchase a $150 scanner for my office because I haven't "adequately justified" the purchase to my asshole boss.
• After more than seven months of going through an 82-game season and four rounds of postseason play, I finally won the Stanley Cup in my NHL ’06 game after a 3-2 OT win against the Red Wings. One graphic I got a kick out of was after winning the Conference Finals seeing the players not want to touch that trophy (whatever the hell it's called), which in real life they also don’t touch out of superstition. Uh, hooray and stuff.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 62: The Scotsman
I don’t think I’ve read more than two or three posts from the Scotsman here at TSM, but he was such an entertaining figure for me at other places that I just have to include him. For those that don’t know, Scotsman had his own Web site for a while which was titled Scotsmanality, and in it he would chronicle his life’s events and wax poetic about other subjects (usually dealing with those of a certain race or sexual preference). While some people didn’t care for his writing, I thought he was downright hilarious. In fact, my OMG FAUX NEWS LOL 200X! was based off of a similar phrase he used when goofing on people with AOL e-mail accounts. It looks like Scotsmanality has since closed down; from what I heard he decided to start playing poker instead of writing about his crack-head neighbors and giving us “where are they nows” involving his grade-school classmates from Scotland (and of course saving the only black kid in his class for last). Hopefully he’s making a decent living with his choice of career path, considering at the time of his site’s closing he had a wife and kid. (Or was it a live-in girlfriend? I can’t remember what their situation was – either way: nice piece of ass; good work.) I only spoke with him once via AIM, and that was just to give him a link to a news story about some kid with Downs Syndrome being elected Homecoming King in his school. Oh, yeah. Review WCW Nigger.
And now a word from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From SFA Jack:
• Gee, what's wrong government -- people follow your stupid orders and then you realize that you're doing more harm than good? While sorta on this subject, being the slow driver that I am I get tailgated every now and then. Now if I’m in the fast lane and I’m not going well above the speed limit, then I’ll happily move over. However, if I’m in the slow lane and I have an asshole driver behind me, it just encourages me to go slower. As another aside, there are these signs along this one stretch of interstate that frequently gets clogged up during rush hour. The first ugly yellow sign reads, “Look out for aggressive drivers,” while the one after that says, “Don’t tailgate.” Them’s fighting words.
• One of the bigger stories surrounding last week’s preseason games was Clinton Portis getting hurt tackling an opponent. Much of the talk around the sports talk-radio circuit was the importance of four NFL preseason games. Personally, I don’t really see the big deal about preseason games. Does it really matter if a star player ruptures an ACL during week four of the preseason or week one of the regular season? If teams really wanted to protect their best players, they shouldn’t play them at all during the preseason; let the backups and undrafted free agents play more and evaluate their potential in case a starter does get hurt later on that year.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this): This 28-year old chick says the guy she was dating turned out to be a drug addict. She told him to stop, and he claimed to be clean for two months. They got married. Six months later this guy was caught doing drugs again. Dr. Laura then says to the caller, “Whatever you say next, don’t ask me ‘what can I do?’” The caller then starts bawling. Later on, when the subject of leaving this guy is brought up, the caller says she wants to do just that, but she is worried about the “humiliation” she will feel from all the people who were part of her wedding.
• There are plenty of red-diaper doper babies in the Big Apple, but thankfully there are one or two of them with a smitten of common sense. Instead of whining about a rouge government, the New York Civil Liberties Union ought to be pissed off at terrorists that make bag searches a good idea to most Americans.
• While I’m on the subject of terrorists, what’s the big deal here? Maybe these fine Middle Eastern men have big families, thus needing 1,000 cell phones. After all, what is little Abdul to do when Jihad Camp lets out early? You actually expect him to wait out by the street with all the unholy swine? Why, that’s one of the worst things you can do to… come on, you know the rest.
• It’s bad enough NFL players have to worry about on-the-field injuries during training camp, practices and preseason games. Now they have to fret about renegade mascots driving golf carts?
• Woah. Heath Shuler is running for office. Too bad he’s a Democrat. Oh, and those six words “Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi” do strike enough fear into me that I would probably vote for a Republican I don’t care for over a conservative Democrat in a Congressional race. Good thing I’m satisfied with my GOP Rep. Tim Murphy.
• Last night I got a recorded phone call from Samuel L. Jackson telling me to go see “Snakes on a Plane.” Alrighty then.
• Is there nobody out there that the Bush Administration doesn’t disenfranchise? I’d be curious to know how much of a percentage of votes Nevada gets with its “none of the above” option.
In previous entries I’ve mentioned my opinion of state-run lotteries. I consider playing Powerball equivalent to flushing your money down the toilet, but if you have an office pool going when a jackpot reaches $100+ million, then chip in your $5 because if you don’t you know your co-workers will have a winning ticket, thus making you the only person in the office for the next workday. Back when I used to work at the Quickie-Mart during my college days, I got to interact with these gambling junkies on a frequent basis, and let me just say that these are some of the scariest, not to mention most pathetic, mo-fo’s out there. They were so scary that I dubbed them “Lottery People.”
There are two types of Lottery People. You have the ones who play Powerball, Daily Numbers, etc., and then you have those that indulge in those instant scratch-off games. Today’s entry will deal with the former; I’ll get to the latter another time. A considerable amount of Lottery People are these little old ladies who have been playing certain numbers for their entire lives, but there are also younger, equally dumb, contestants. However, the most aggravating are the blue-haired seniors.
During my Quickie-Mart days we had two cashiers, and in-between our registers was the dreaded lottery machine. When a customer had numbers to play, the person whose register she approached had to go to the lottery machine and enter the numbers, all the while your customer line grew and grew. I think the biggest annoyance was that our regular customers who played the lottery always had with them a piece of paper which had their list of numbers written on it. Now of course instead of handing the sheet over to us so we could enter in the numbers, they would proceed to READ THEM OFF ONE AT A TIME. Even when we asked for their precious chicken-scratch many of them would refuse to do so. One time I had this regular customer who was an old hag that always refused to let me read off her list. A day or so later when she came back to play her numbers she claimed I previously messed up her numbers, and the number I erred on hit for the first time in her life. Did I screw up her numbers? I don’t know, but seeing as how Rule #2 of the Lottery People Handbook is to double-check your numbers after you received your tickets, I don't really care if I did or not. Then again, there are many rules in the Lottery People Handbook that aren’t followed, such as:
#4: If you place a certain set of numbers, MARK THEM DOWN on one of those insta-sheets you can just give to a cashier so he or she can run them through the lottery machine error-free.
#8: If you have more than several numbers and are in a hurry, don’t buy your tickets during the MORNING or AFTERNOON RUSH HOUR, when the Quickie-Mart is at its busiest.
#15: When checking your numbers, don’t do it at the register, and don’t be surprised if customer who has been waiting behind you for 10 minutes pushes you out of the way so he can pay for his gas and pack of beef jerky. Go to a low-traffic area, double-check your numbers, and return back to the register if there’s a ticket that’s incorrect.
#16: If the lottery machine ticket paper needs re-filled, getting pissy and impatient will not help matters, considering those machines are a bitch to re-fill. If you get pushy or annoying, the customer service representative may deliberately take his time re-filling the machine just to piss you off even more.
#23: Should you enter a store and find a long-ass line at the lottery machine, don’t act all surprised. There are many idiots in this world, and sometimes you'll have to wait if you wish to part with your money in a senseless fashion.
#42: In the rare case you actually get a winning ticket for a nominal amount of cash, please let the cashier know this and what the amount is before this customer service representative goes to pay you out. Believe it or not, a Quickie-Mart employee is not supposed to have $300 readily available in large denominations somewhere within his or her cash register.
Back to that person earlier in this entry who claimed I screwed up her winning number. Being the remorseful soul that I am, I told her that from now on I would no longer enter her numbers for her and told her to have our other customer service representative perform this service. And just who was my other co-worker? This old broad who didn’t know, nor ever bother to learn, how to operate the lottery machine; when she had to get her picks entered (of course she played the lottery – she was old), another co-worker had to punch in the numbers for her. The look of terror my elderly customer had on her face told me that I knew she would never bitch about her incorrect lottery numbers ever again. Even though during my times as a cashier I experienced many infractions from the Lottery People Handbook, I have never witnessed anyone breaking the #1 rule of this guide: Never have someone old enough to receive senior discounts ring up your numbers.
With all of these wacky incidents, one would think that the instant scratch-off breed of Lottery People would be better behaved. Hey, it’s not like you have to do any kind of data entry service for them. Well you would be wrong. In fact, some of my more egregious encounters with Lottery People were via the instant win method.
KKK’s Top 103 Posters
Number 63: Mr. S£im Citrus
Not only has Mr. S£im served our country with honor (something 99 percent of us here can’t attest to), but many times he is a voice of reason in threads dealing with life, like when he was called a fuddy duddy for saying it’s wrong to bang a soldier’s wife. It seems Mr. S£im is into the threads which are at the bottom of this board – that SWF virtual wrestling stuff. I’ve only explored that area of TSM a few times, and I’ve always ended up running away scared. However, what would be worse – becoming SWF International Champion for 50 days, or ending up on this hippie list for all of eternity? No way I’m goofing on him regarding this, what with me having seen a picture of him and all (the pic may not be viewable now, but trust me, he's a big dude). I’m sure he could use his military connections to find out where I live, drive over there, and snap me like a twig. I’m also going to refrain from making any racist jokes in this entry until after the panel has spoken. I actually see a lot of myself in Mr. S£im. Well except for that whole "serving your country" thing. Plus I'm white. Oh, and there's that whole kid issue. But I have three cats, which has to count for something.
And now a word or three from the expert panel I have put together to comment on the people I’ve listed.
From EricMM:
From Bob Barron:
From Cancer Marney:
• I heard on Around the Horn today that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling is being sued for (allegedly) not wanting blacks or Hispanics into some housing complex that he owns. Instead, Sterling has been appealing to the Asian community to take up residence; he even changed the name of his one complex to make it sound more enticing to Koreans, according to ATH panelist JA Adande. All I have to say is can you blame this guy? Not only is his rent now getting turned in on time, but also I’m sure there is a sharp decline in the amount of stray animals roaming around his properties.
• Damn you Salem Radio Network. Today is the last day that Dave Ramsey will be on 730-AM WPIT. Because Ramsey and Salem Radio couldn’t come to an agreement regarding contract issues, Dave’s show will be taken off this set of radio stations, of which WPIT is a member. I’ve been listening to Ramsey’s show for a few months, and I was really digging the program. Now this radio station is “Help-oriented” with a lot of Jesus talk in the morning hours (which I stay away from of course), so I doubt they will replace Ramsey with Neal Boortz’s show, so it looks like I’ll have to re-arrange my afternoon play list of RIGHT-WING RADIO. Then again, I can always download his show off his Web site, but that would take too much work. Actually I think I'll probably end up doing this considering the RIGHT-WING RADIO market is pretty bad for certain parts of the day, especially when it's vacation time for the regular hosts.
• I heard on the radio today that the Shittsburgh International Airport has these stickers posted on nearby public pay phones that say all conversations on these devices are being monitored by U.S. Government courtesy of the Patriot Act. I seriously don’t know if this is a joke or not, but my local media is treating it as a legit news story. Oh, and while I’m on this subject, for those disgruntled terrorists upset about this recent unsuccessful attempt to blow up a bunch of airplanes, take heart; I’m sure the N.Y. Times will produce a cover story showing you how to avoid getting caught with liquid explosives for your next attempt to cause havoc with us infidels.
• And now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). Some lady lived in sin with this guy for a few years and doesn’t get along with her step-daughter. Her husband is suffering from liver failure and doesn’t have much more time to live. This lady’s step-daughter is having her wedding in a week or so and didn’t invite the step-mom. Because of this the step-mom doesn’t want her husband to attend his daughter’s wedding. Today’s runner up call was from a 17-year old guy who was “dared” by a friend to check out an X-rated Web site. He did, is now “addicted” to viewing on-line porn and doesn’t know what to do.
• That Karl Rove is a genius. Let’s face it Republicans, according to the polls, we aren’t doing so well, and the mid-term elections are only a few months away. So what does our Lord and Savior Jesus Rove do?
1) He gets a “moderate” Democrat by the name of Joe Lieberman to lose in his primary to this liberal who had the founder of the Daily Kos blog in his political commercials. Then he gets Lieberman to run as an Independent, and it’s quite possible that Joe can win in his state's general election.
2) Rove then gets a bunch of would-be terrorists (allegedly, of course) busted who wanted to blow up several airplanes that would be going from Britain to America. I’m sure Rove knows every time a terrorist boards a plane and uses focus groups to determine if it’s more beneficial for his boss if the plane turns into fiery wreckage or if Mohammad and friends get caught beforehand.
So not only does the Bush administration get to strike fear of an impending terrorist attack into the American public, but also Rove gets to expose the Democrat Party (even more than usual) as a bunch of pre-9/11 namby pambys with their heads buried in the sand regarding Muslims who want to chop our heads off. As an added bonus, if Lieberman wins as an Independent this means that the Democrats will have one less body in the Senate. In other words, if the GOP drops to 49 seats after this next election we will still retain a Senate majority. With “Independent” Jim Jeffords and Lieberman taking up two slots, the Democrats could also only get a maximum of 49 seats, which gives any tie-breaking votes to Dick Cheney.
Every time I think the Republicans are in trouble, Karl Rove always comes through in the clutch. Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
• Speaking of arrests, the other day Maurice Clarett got pulled over by the PO-lice, who found four loaded guns, a machete and a half empty bottle of vodka in his vehicle. When the cops tried to taser him for being unruly, they discovered that Clarett was also wearing a bullet-proof vest. Wow. I know it’s hard for a black man to drive in this RACIST society of ours, but it can’t be that dangerous as to equip yourself like you’re going to war, can it? I was watching Jim Rome’s ESPN show yesterday, and it was funny to see all the sub-hosts wondering who’s to blame for Clarett’s fall? Uh, did Ohio State put those guns in his vehicle? Did the NFL strap on that bullet-proof vest? Why I bet that Buckeye football coach drank half of that vodka. Oh and fuck all those people who say "this is a sad story." That piece of shit brought all of this upon himself; I find the whole thing funny as hell.
• While I’m on the subject of running backs that may never carry another pigskin in the NFL, things don’t look good for Jets halfback Curtis Martin. If his knees are indeed shot to hell, I hope he’s saved his money over the years and can retire in peace. He wasn’t all that flashy, but he certainly got the job done. I always thought it was weird that Martin was able to play under the radar despite being in the media capital of the world for all those years.
• Now it’s time for the Dr. Laura Call of the Day (or whenever I feel like doing this). This chick says that her and her boyfriend are trying to go about their relationship like any good Christian couple would. However, there is one problem. Before meeting “Mr. Right” this chick had another boyfriend, and one night they had sex. As a result, the guy gave her snatch herpes. She called because she didn't know if or when the right time would be to tell her current boyfriend of her medical condition.
