Chuck Woolery

well, if anybody wants an undercard tag match, i'd appreciate it.

i'll second trauma center being a LOT of fun, and addictive as hell to boot. elebits... eh, not so much, but if i get a wii and some time alone with it i'm positive i'd enjoy it.

drea: have you listened to anything off the kevin federline album? at the very least, check out "america's most hated"; it's not good but it's certainly enjoyable.

stats are up, partner's name is pm'ed to rando, et cetera et cetera.

Name: “Cadillac” Calvin Szechstein Height: 5'11” Weight: 203 Hometown: Milwaukee, Wisconsin Age: 32 Face/Heel: Not really arrogant and not really a prick but can be obnoxious at times and doesn't always play fair. Zack Malibu will get him face heat, but against someone more popular he will be booed. Stable: None Tag Team: Cadillac Boys (with Zack Malibu) Ring Escort: None. Weapon: Whatever's available. Quote: Undeniably quotable. Looks: Close-cropped hair, auburn with blonde highlights to try and tap into that young audience. Walks around backstage in dress shirts and dress pants, usually accompanied by a blazer -- Calvin is always well-dressed. In-ring, long royal blue tights with the RC Cola logo on the side of the left knee. Ring Entrance: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYBODY KNOWS I’M IN OVER MY HEAD OVER MY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD...” “Over My Head (Cable Car)” by the Fray hits the speakers, garnering what will probably be Calvin's biggest response of the evening, a smattering of boos as he steps onto the ramp, arms extended. He walks down to the ring, occasionally handing out free samples, occasionally shilling items over a microphone; truth be told, the entrance is different every time, so either be creative or, uh... no show I guess. Stats: Strength: 4 Speed: 4 Vitality: 7 Charisma: 5 Style: Szechstein is not a ring general at all. He has a very limited amateur wrestling background, probably no more than any other member of the fed, and even as OAOAST Champion he was unable to straight out-wrestle anybody. He is a brawler, plain and simple, and his style is to hit you as hard as he can as often as he can and hope that your body breaks down before his does. Sponsored Moves: - The BIG LARIAT (because I can't help my self; if there is a live mic anywhere NEAR Calvin, he will announce his own name for the big lariat. Calvin won't use this move off of every Irish whip, but usually as a way to cap off a burst of momentum.) - Willy Wonka's World-Famous Jawbreaker (that sitout jawbreaker that Jeff Hardy does that I'm in love with.) - Moonsault, Presented by Skittles: Taste the Rainbow (or just “Taste the Rainbow”, although this will make the Skittles company very upset.) - Royal Crown Rattler (a running bulldog. Usually, instead of wrapping his arm around the opponent's head, Calvin will just grab the back of their head with both hands and slam their face to the mat.) - ALPHA DOG (in theatres January 26th) Drop (only for use on those under 210 pounds, a military press drop.) Common Moves: - A lot of strikes; Calvin doesn't have an amateur wrestling background, and so most of his wear-down offence will consist of body shots. - Restholds; Calvin will slap one of these on at any time, having enough confidence in his strength to be able to hold one of these without it being broken - Backdrop - Snap Suplex - German Suplex (one at a tiiiiime) - Powerslam - Armdrags - Drop Toe Holds Finishers: - The Pause that Refreshes (tilt-a-whirl head drop? Basically, Szechstein grabs a running opponent, flips them upside down, holds them there for a second, and then drops to his knees, driving their head into the mat. It looks more impressive when the opponent is running, but this can also be a standard tombstone, it simply won't have the momentum behind it that allows Calvin to hit the move on larger opponents.) - Milwaukee's Best Headbutt (Representing his city's best beer, Calvin goes to the top and swan-dives into the opponent's body. Like I always say, nobody gets up after a good headbutt.) TAG TEAM STATS Team Name: The Cadillac Boys Team Members: Calvin Szechstein and Zack Malibu Combined Weight: 403 pounds Entrance: “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVERYBODY KNOWS I’M IN OVER MY HEAD OVER MY HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAD...” “Over My Head (Cable Car)” by the Fray hits the speakers, and although Calvin's not even that bad of a guy, this song is an unforgivable offence and he will get booed as he steps to the top of the ramp. He will pause for a moment, and then Zack Malibu will step through the curtain, garnering a fairly large pop. The two men walk down to the ring, Malibu pandering to the crowd, Szechstein with a little bit of swagger. Change it up as you will. Finishers: Not yet known; Calvin and Zack's past is well-documented, and it's unclear whether or not one will ever be debuted. Until that point, if you need to tease a big move, use either one of the men's respective finishers.

haha. i'll make sure everything gets explained in time, mon ami.

i think bruce is just making light of the fact that swf writers are professionals; this is very serious work, not to be interfered with by the cast from reboot. (yes, i'm including myself in this)

"My cab driver got lost in the half-mile from the airport to the hotel and I've spent the last hour driving around this shithole staring at bad pizza joints and homeless people, so you'll forgive me if I'm not Mr. Sunshine, sunshine." Calvin's bothered tone is reflected in his appearance as he enters the lobby of the Holiday Inn Express in Buffalo, New York. His gold tie is looser than usual, and the sleeves on his dress shirt are rolled up past his elbows -- funny, considering that it's about twenty degrees in Buffalo. His short hair is matted with sweat and his walk is swift and pronounced as he walks to the front desk, snapping his cell phone shut. "I'm here to check in." "Name?" "Calvin Szechstein. The room's charged to Island in the Sun Marketing." "I... don't see your name listed." "Bull SHIT you don't." "Sir!" Calvin takes a deep breath and looks away from the plain, pale brunette behind the counter. He looks back up, apology in his face. "I'm sorry, it's been kind of a rough afternoon." The girl smiles. "Don't worry about it. I just found out I'm pregnant." "That's..." Calvin pauses, collects himself, and smiles. "That's wonderful. How far along are you?" "Four months." "That's great." "Calvin Szechstein?" Another woman. Calvin turns around to eye her; tall, dark brown hair tied back, dressed about as business casual as Calvin, sans tie. She eyes him carefully. "Miranda Burgess. Mr. Business sent me along to help you out." Miranda turns to the girl behind the counter. "He's staying with me, ma'am." "Oh, okay. Sorry for the confusion." "As am I." Miranda turns back to Calvin. "I've got your things up in the room. We have a lot of things to go over before you go out tonight, so it's important that we start now." Miranda briskly turns and begins walking towards the elevator, leaving Calvin to follow. "Did you know that girl is pregnant?" "No." "I don't know why but it really interests me..." --- "So we've got a deal with Sony Music for your entrance music." It's three hours later in Room 213 in the Holiday Inn Express in Buffalo, New York, and Calvin Szechstein is sifting through papers while Miranda explains every single one of them to him. The two of them sit on one of the two beds in the room; papers are spread all over the bed, and there are various boxes sitting on the bed as well. Calvin appears to be paying little attention, but looks can be deceiving -- Szechstein is not one of the heads at Island in the Sun for nothing, right? "What are they giving me?" "It's on the sheet. They're trying to broaden the fanbase for these guys, move a few thousand more CDs. Let's face it, most wrestling fans aren't exposed to this kind of music, and it's a catchy song." Calvin looks at the sheet in front of him, and then looks back at Miranda. "Are they joking?" "Afraid not." "Miranda... I don't really have a choice, do I?" "Afraid not." "Okay. We'll let that slide." "Good." Miranda flips through her own papers. "Royal Crown Cola purchased the rights to name that tilt-a-whirl piledriver you use." "You know what a tilt-a-whirl piledriver is?" "No, but apparently they do. It's now going to be called The Pause that Refreshes." "..." "Yes, I know, that's a Coca-Cola catchphrase. Funny story, Royal Crown paid a lot of money to buy it and now they're trying to associate it with their cola, and they figure the easiest way to do that is by naming your finisher after it." "That doesn't even make SENSE." "Calvin, it's what they wanted. I don't think they became the third-biggest cola chain in the world by doing things that don't make sense." Calvin sighs. "What else?" "Royal Crown also purchased the rights to your tights... Milwaukee's Best purchased the rights to your swan-dive headbutt, so that'll now be The Milwaukee's Best Headbutt." "That's not so bad." Miranda flips through some more papers. "There's a few other companies here and there who have naming rights to some of your moves, nothing too major though." Miranda looks down on the sheet, then gestures to the boxes on the bed. "You're also going to need these." Calvin looks on his sheet, then looks up at Miranda with a smile. "Whoa, now, let's try to be professional." Miranda sighs, shooting Calvin a disgusted look. "You're an ass. We had to work hard to get the contract with them, and one of the things they wanted was product placement with wrestling fans." "If they're wrestling fans, they're NOT going to need these." "Well, that's your opinion." Calvin sighs. "You know, if these people would let me work out a marketing plan instead of just throwing me on television with their products plastered all over me, we could move a whole lot more product." "You realize, of course, that in addition to your SWF salary, you're receiving cash every time the Royal Crown logo on your tights is visible. For every time the phrase "Milwaukee's Best" is said on television. For every time you put the Caesar's Palace tattoo on your back. For..." "I get it, Miranda." Calvin smiles. "This isn't my first rodeo." "Then you understand that it's not about you." "Yep." "And you understand..." "You know what, Miranda?" Calvin sighs again -- it's happening a lot more often and it can't be a good thing. "I understand." "Good. Now, Cadillac wants you to incorporate a spear into your offence..."

man fucking jj. and, i guess fucking me for not paying any attention to jj.

i hope nobody else is using the house of marvelous.

"And so there you have it, folks. Cleveland, Ohio, a beautiful city with some beautiful people. For Island in the Sun Marketing, I'm Calvin Szechstein." "And I'm Drew Carey. Cleveland rocks!" Our camera fades out on a smiling Calvin Szechstein and Drew Carey, in matching Cleveland Indians jerseys, smiling and waving for the camera... -click- Calvin Szechstein sits in a board room, eyes glued on the television screen which is now nothing but a bright blue box and a self-contented smirk on his face. His features have aged since we last saw him as OAOAST Commissioner, but for the most part remain the same -- his hair short and colored a pale gold, steel-grey eyes and a full set of pearly white teeth. His build, obviously athletic but not too rugged, fills out his pinstriped black blazer completely. The room he sits in is completely dark, but not for long, as an unidentified man stands up and flicks on the light. We can see a long oak table in the middle of the room, with the television at the the head and Calvin seated on one side. On the opposite side are three people; the first unidentified man, tall and lean with a little white hair left; a thick woman, with a big mane of curly light-brown hair and too much makeup in a pink pantsuit; and the man in the middle, whose jet-black hair and matching mustache give him a look a little similar to a mustached Jose Canseco. It is this man who speaks first, with a voice unusually soft for a man of his stature. "I love it, Calvin." Calvin smiles. "Thank you, Mr. Business." "No, thank you. I wasn't sure about the idea when you pitched it to me, but the Cleveland Board of Tourism loved it, the test audiences we played it for loved it, and," Business grins at this, "I loved it, and that's all that really matters, right?" Calvin, the woman and the other man all laugh a little harder than the should, allowing Mr. Business to sit back with a smug smile on his mug. Calvin speaks first. "Well, Mr. Business, I appreciate your vote of confidence... in my tenure here at Island in the Sun, I've always been about doing what's best for the company." "And we're going to give you a considerable bonus for it," the woman interjects. "Between your work with the OAOAST, Roadrunner Records, and now with the Cleveland Board of Tourism, we feel you deserve to be paid." "Not paid too much," Mr. Business says, which elicits another round of overlaughing from the rest of the room. "I appreciate it, Mr. Business," Calvin says. "Like I said, I always put forth 100% effort when I'm given a task." "Well, we're not going to waste any time giving you your next assignment," Mr. Business says. "Have you heard of willitblend.com?" "Have I heard of them?" Calvin says. "I love them. I've got their Wladimir Klitschko model in my kitchen and I use it for smoothies all the time. Let me tell you, they're delicious!" "We bought them," Business says dryly. "When?" "Thursday, actually. Happy New Year." "That's great! And you want me to do their marketing campaign?" Mr. Business sighs. "Explain it to him, George." The slender man leans forward in his chair, his voice a stage whisper. "Calvin, in purchasing willitblend.com, we picked up all of their sponsorships, assets, et cetera. In doing so, we now are the primary sponsors of the Smarks Wrestling Federation. As you may already have guessed, this is a prime position for Island in the Sun Marketing, and over the past twenty-four hours our phones have been ringing with clients trying to get their product on SWF television." "I see." "Now, we toyed with several ideas for how to push product. Some decisions were obvious; as primary sponsors, we can give commercial spots to clients at discounted rates, and we've already negotiated a deal with Royal Crown Cola to make them the sole soda sponsor of the SWF, but there's not enough time in the show." "... George." Calvin shoots him a dark look. "What are you getting at?" "Short of putting a scrolling advertisement at the bottom of the screen, we have no real way of pushing our clients' merchandise on television as often as we need to." "George!" "We need you to step back into the ring." Calvin... well, Calvin just looks shocked and confused. He turns his focus to Mr. Business. "Fred, they already have a sponsored wrestler." Mr. Business shrugs. "And nobody likes him. We're going to position you as the likeable alternative. Like, he's Phil Donahue, and you're Oprah." "Great." Calvin fumes. "I haven't wrestled in two years." "Have you still been going to the gym?" the woman asks. Calvin looks at her blankly. "Look at this figure." The woman snorts, and Mr. Business smiles. "Like riding a bike, Calvin, don't worry about it." "But... what if they don't like me?" Calvin whines, to which the other three look at each other and smile knowingly. "I wouldn't worry about that, Calvin," says Mr. Business. "Your goal is not to become World champion. Your goal is to push merchandise for clients of Island in the Sun Marketing. We've signed you up through the end of the year, and we were aware that you haven't wrestled in nearly two years, so we've brought in a second party to help you with your workload." "A partner?" Calvin moans. "I know Drew Carey was in the Royal Rumble, but that doesn't make him a wrestler." Mr. Business laughs. "It's not Drew, Calvin. Look, he's going to be at the show in New York on the tenth, and you guys are going to be teaming. Until then, I want you in Buffalo on the third, and I want to see your face on my television screen. I'm sending Miranda on the road with you to keep everything organized..." "I never needed a secretary, Mr. Business, I certainly don't need one now." "She's cute and you're single." "... nevermind then." "Anyway, she'll be in Buffalo on the third with your new tights and a list of sponsors and products. The two of you can figure out how to work it into your screen time. You'll be flying out Monday night." Calvin looks like he wants to put up a fight, but he's out of argument points, so he just slouches in his chair, pouting. Mr. Business smiles. "You're dismissed. And Calvin," Mr. Business calls as Calvin gets up to leave. Szechstein turns around, and Mr. Business points at him, smiling. "Cleveland rocks!" Calvin shakes his head and exits, mumbling "fucking cake-eater" to himself as our camera fades to black... --- if anybody wants to answer the open tag challenge for the tenth, let me know ASAP so we can do a promo for the third.

god damn it, drea, i loved cash on delivery. i thought i was the only one. pretty much everything i liked has already been said, so i'm just going to throw world premiere by the team into the mix and slink back into the shadows.

1:00 pm game notes: - i don't know why but i'm feeling a carolina panthers playoff run coming on. it's not so much that i'm feeling it, it's just that now that they're back in the picture it shouldn't be too long now before they're declared the favorite to win the wild card. - titans win a game that they probably shouldn't have to keep the slim playoff dream alive. every week with vince feels like walking on eggshells and for all the previous weeks where i was like "oh, this'll be the let down game", i really felt that this week against a hot bills team that seems more complete than the titans would be the let down game. maybe i hit leena's koolaid a bit too hard? who knows. - yeah, the forward-pass ruling in the jacksonville/new england game was a load of shit. his arm was moving forward. as soon as troy aikman starting saying that "the defensive player's arm caused garrard's arm to move forward" i knew they wouldn't overturn it, but it is assuredly a bullshit call that probably ended the jags' season. if only they could finish against those pesky texans, who now have a .500 record in what (on paper) is probably the #2 or #3 division in football right now. - so, uh, how about those giants? it's like nobody on that team can understand why they're losing. i caught one scene in that game after a saints touchdown where there were five giants standing around looking at each other like "wow, whose fault was that?" something's gotta be done about that team.

i'm going to second cardinals/bears.

carnival, was the new jedi mind tricks that good? i haven't heard it but i felt like they fell off huge after visions of gandhi.

fuck you man, i loved you me and dupree.

i've been meaning to pick this up because i dig jeezy's flow and i figured he'd go out and get the best beats he could find because he's shrewd enough and smart enough to know he's not the best lyrically. i think a lot of the motivational aspect of it -- especially on this album, where it becomes a lot more pronounced -- stems from jeezy not being the most lyrically gifted rapper and his own self-awareness of that. he's thankful for what he's been given and he's got that story to tell about how he became a success and he wants to share that with people and maybe i am just too emotional but i can feel that. it is also entirely possible that i'm giving him too much credit, but either way i like the sound of his voice and would point to him as a good example of a rapper being "just another instrument" to me instead of being the focal point of every song.

titans win ugly. i love it. watching betts run and consistently pick up 5-6 yards in the last few minutes of that saints/skins game was absolutely brutal. i like watching the saints offence when they're on but they weren't clicking today, and it seemed like brees was off. at least they picked up the division

it's gotta be dwight howard, honestly. i know he's eastern conference and all but that kid is a beast and the whole orlando team feeds off that.

oh gosh that's the only thing you could have said that i have no witty and smarky response for. well played.

oh spike. go back to fucking one of your invisible girlfriends.

i have a question. why do i refer to toxxic, who i've known forever as toxxic, as toxxic, while i refer to mak, who i've known forever as mak, as drake? it's just been burning at me for some time.

obvious answer to that is to have the wednesday before a PPV be a promo-and-light-match show, and announce the card for that show and the PPV at the same time. we could probably just bump PPVs per year from eight to six, honestly, although i wouldn't mind seeing a couple SATURDAY NIGHT SMARKDOWN SPECIAL or some shit like that spread out through out the year, in lieu of a wednesday night show that week.

yeah, but the new snoop/kels collab made me forget all that.

if "ballin' on christmas" by jim jones isn't the theme then i don't know what i'll do. also, i really want to have this show in the polar theatre at santa's village in jefferson, new hampshire, because... well i mean we've never done that before, plus it opens a lot of stip matches.