Ace309

Well, it was a difficult scene, emotionally.

Hear hear. No one mentions Blazenwing's former life, and he stands on his merits now as long as he follows the same rules. Blazenwing, I hope you understand why we're a little shorter-tempered about something that could reasonably be interpreted as an accusation of biased booking. That said, as long as you don't bring it up again, no one else will. Just do your thing. That goes for everyone else, too. (And yes, before anyone accuses me of junior modding, I'm overstepping myself according to the strict hierarchy of the fed, but I hope you'll forgive me for trying to smooth this over.) EDIT: Adjusted the phrase "straighten out this clusterfuck" for accuracy.

Yeah, some people are jerks. Shocking, isn't it? Ignore them. It's easier. People who were actively disliked have gotten to be popular fed members by just not trying too hard (Chris Wilson? Chris Wilson, I'm looking at you...), so relax.

Blazenwing had a rookie episode where he posted losing matches and, at least on one occasion, insisted that his match was better than the match that won. Not that unusual for rookies, but he was unusually persistent. Can't speak for anyone else, but I tried to give JLers/rookies as much feedback as possible, although some of them didn't take it to heart. He took his complaints about the alleged glass ceiling into the storylines, in which he challenged Crow (the then-JL Champion) to a match despite his curtain-jerker status. He performed admirably - didn't win the match, but wrote a hell of a losing match and the situation, as I recall, more or less resolved itself. Later, at another e-fedding community, I was shilling the SWF and he posted in the shill thread to complain that the markers were biased against him. I don't remember if that was before or after he retired from the SJL. And, finally, later, Thoth tooled on him in IM for borrowing one of our stipulations, which a lot of people still find amusing but I thought was kind of tiresome and unnecessary. None of this has any bearing on what he does in his matches, but I hope it sort of explains the short tempers some of us are showing out of character toward any hint of the "biased markers" crap.

Always a favorite.

Of course. Sorry, I was over my winking-smiley quota for the month.

Yes, but I hate you anyway.

I'd like to claim credit for coming up with this awkward but appropriate nickname. I'm really looking forward to match 1 against Dace, and to the future opportunity for both of us to actively build on the prior matches. I think the big challenge here for me, if not both of us, is going to be incorporating the psych from matches that won that we didn't write. (Believe me, I fully expect Dace to take two on writing, if not take the series.)

David, I'm just telling you. You will NOT play that card in this tour of the fed. Everyone expects you to lose because, with the shining exception of an excellent match against Crow, your last stint here wasn't terribly impressive, and you're likely to be rusty for the SWF style because our matches are different than other e-feds. Now go ahead and surprise us - I'll be thrilled if you surprise me - but you're not going to impress anyone, change anyone's mind or make any friends by trying to pull this "biased markers" crap. There have been plenty of people in the fed who have been actively disliked, and you know what? They still win matches they deserve to win. Write your damn match and make it impressive. As you said, you have the motivation. Then, once you've given us a reason to, we'll start predicting you to win.

I'm not sure if they'll make it up to Buffalo. I was 4 going on 5 during the last Brood X in 1987, and my parents don't seem to remember them here at all although my mom remembers them from 1953, when she was very young, for some reason.

SINGLES MATCH - FIRST OF FIVE Tom Flesher vs Dace Night - No prediction TAG TEAM TITLES #1 CONTENDERSHIPOVER THE TOP BATTLE ROYAL[ Alan Clark vs Coy West vs John Duran vs Todd Royal vs Austin Sly vs Jimmy “The Demon” Liston vs Tryst vs Insane Luchadore - Please, please, PLEASE no Wacky Tag Partners Who Hate Each Other. CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE #1 CONTENDERSHIP Jacob Hemlsley vs Todd Cortez - Todd Cortex, the Cerebral Assassin HARDCORE MATCH Janus vs Crow - Janus USJL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH Landon Maddix© vs “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins - Triple Crown Landon SINGLES MATCH Ace Lezaire vs Ryan Dustin - I'm going to be on the edge of my fucking seat for this one. SINGLES MATCH David Blazenwing vs Toxxic - Toxxic

Hey, you're putting over the up-and-coming rookie without complaining! What a company man! Let's reward him with a job even after he's old, fat and untalented. Jake, I dub thee: Big Bossman.

Maybe this time I'll buy the shirt.

Buhbye. I'll think of you every time I hear the Haka.

Superfly splash! Unless Foley's got the copyright on it this year.

Done and done!

I move for an Ace Lezaire/Blazenwing dark match.

MAIN EVENT SINGLES MATCH WORLD TITLE BOUT "Deathwish" Danny Williams© vs Nathaniel Kibagami - Kelk this one. Never predict the main event, and never predict it wrong. CAGE MATCH Stryke vs Dace Night TAG TEAM MATCH TAG TEAM TITLE BOUT Janus & Aecas© vs Hollywood Boulevard SINGLES MATCH NON-TITLE Landon Maddix© vs "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins TRIPLE THREAT CRUISERWEIGHT TITLE BOUT Johnny Dangerous© vs Austin Sly vs Alan Clark HARDCORE MATCH Crow vs Insane Luchadore

Your SWF SMARKDOWN WORKRATE REPORT with Tom Fleshmussen of the Burning Hammer Tape … Review. Danny Williams Works The Stick … and it looks like he cut a promo in there somewhere, too. - Jesus CHRIST is Williams over. For a roid-raging monster who’d eat your baby as soon as kiss it, that’s incredible. He acknowledges that he can’t promise he’ll be a great champion, naming several of the greatest champions ever, and the Suicide King. Also notes that he doesn’t have Crossover Appeal quotes>, and suddenly we’re dealing with World Champion Bennet Brauer. And… Williams promises to defend the World Title as long as he’s able. I believe that’s what Nietzsche would call “A miserable tautology,” although, while Nietzsche was pietzsche, Sartre was smartre. THE CARD~! - Time for a complete unnecessary CAPITALIZATION AND TILDEBANG~! “Debunked at Snopes.com” Todd Cortez vs. Stryke - Cortez powerwalks down the aisle, and he’s putting his back into it tonight. Something about this guy just makes me think he’s a little swishy. I mean, I’m not saying he flames, but I think he set off the sprinkler system on the way to the ring. Stryke catches him with a baseball slide to start off, then continues the assault with a flurry of punches. Uh, guys? No bell yet… Ah, there it is. And we open with a pretty basic striking sequence. Cortez isn’t useless yet, and he’s pretty much bringing the workrate despite not being quite used to the Chicago style. Stryke’s not useless anymore, and he’s BRINGING THE OFFENSE~! Granted, it’s not GOOD offense, but at least he’s bringing it. Snap suplex opens things up, and Stryke follows it up with a legdrop (SHADES OF HULKAMANIA, BROTHER~!) for 2. Barely into the match and already we’re seeing the torn-shirt spot, as popularized by Bill Hearford against Tom Flesher. More chopping, and then the Urban Legend no-sells one and throws another one back! Chop chop chop from both guys until Cortez blocks a chop (chop blocking?) and fights back with… more chops. Maybe this kid IS learning the Chicago style. Stryke’s chest is starting to look like ground meat, so Cortez tosses him into the corner and does the ten-count-punch spot, then goes for a monkey flip but gets shoved off. Stryke goes for an elbow, Cortez moves, does some flip-floppery and hits a standing moonsault for 2. A little more jockeying for position, and Cortez goes for a headscissors, but gets dumped on his face. Christ, Riley and Comet are terrible. Is Riley screwing King’s little brother or something? Stryke hits a back suplex, and goes for the pin but gets small packaged for 2. Cortez sets up the Urban Assault, but Stryke elbows out of it and comes up with a sleeper. Cortez milks it, going up and down before doing the elbow counter (SHADES OF THE 80S, BROTHER~!) and making Stryke hit the sleeper drop. Stryke goes for a legdrop, but misses and eats an enzuigiri for his trouble. Poor Stryke. Some fighting on the outside after Cortez does the fakeout pescado spot, and Stryke is PISSED. He’s all, “You don’t fake me out! You’re a damn rookie!” Goes for the chair, but the ref interrupts it. (BOO!) and Cortez ends up waffling Stryke (BOO- wait, who’s the heel here?) and gets 2. LOW BLOW FROM DOWN UNDER~! and Stryke takes control. Street Dreams gets countered, and Stryke goes for a superplex, but Cortez hooks the ropes and then shoves him off. Stryke rolls through and knocks Cortez off the top in a goofy sequence, then hits the Facelift for 2. Cortez is really getting over here… he counters a facebuster with a DDT, and we have a double count. I go get a Pepsi, and when I come back Cortez is covering and gets 2. Cortez looks for the Urban Assault to end it, but Stryke goes for the jumblies again with a Manhattan drop. He tries to follow up with the pumphandle piledriver, but Cortez counters into the street dreams, and Stryke taps. Cortez, despite getting over as a face late in the match, keeps the hold on for a few more seconds after. Lots of flip-flopping, but this one was almost more transition than match. ** Tables Match: Dace Fucking Night vs. “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins vs. Crow - The crowd’s got wood, and who could blame them? Sexton Hardcastle’s reffing for no apparent reason… who’d trust this man with their safety? Not I, and definitely not fellow BHTRer “Cracker” Chris Belcourt. Spike Jenkins eats a double Yakuza kick to start off with, and I get the feeling Spike’s getting bullied tonight. More double-team offense against HSJ, and the crowd is definitely behind it. Crow hits a baseball slide on Spike while he sets up the tables, and I think that’s our move of the night. Spike gets some token offense, but Crow DDTs his way out of it. What a Xero. Crow and Dace fight it out, and it’s somewhat Bonzo Gon – damn it. I’m breaking character here. Crow sets up an Evenflow Moonsault on Dace, but goes through himself and boy does he look stupid. Spike hits a Magnum Driver on the chair, and I REALLY hope Dace has good insurance. I thought Crow was done after going through, but I guess he’s too GOFF to give up~! Apparently, he’s juuuuuuuuust goff enough to stay in it, but not enough to stay in after taking a BACKDROPPAH~! through the table from Spike, and Crow’s gone. Comet wonders aloud how history’s going to come into play, which usually means they’re manufacturing some. Wait, no, they actually HAVE met before, Damnation in a Box back in the JL. And heeeeeeeeere come the thumbtacks. Dace takes the first bump, and ouch. That man’s not going to be able to move. Spike takes control, and gets the fans behind him (two things I never thought I’d be able to say). Dace takes it back with some elbows (SHADES OF MISTUHARU MISAWA, BROTHER~!), and Spike eats a Tiger Driver through the table to end it. Pretty good gore, and they got rid of the goth early. *** for Spike continuing to learn how to work, Crow throwing around some aerial stuff and Dace bringing the usual goodness. Cruiserweight #1.5 Contendership: Insane Luchador vs. Pretty Fly For A Sly Guy - Sly gets on the stick and says he’s not wrestling tonight, because Alex Zenon told him to recuperate from his ass-beating last week. Hey, didn’t Sly used to have a singing gimmick? Rickmen calls his bluff and chases him down outside the ring, then eats a chair as he goes through the curtain. Sly continues administering the savage beats with the chair, and, uh, guys? No bell yet. Ah, there it is. Sly covers for 2, then for 2. He jaws with the ref a bit, and man does the crowd hate this kid. Riley, meanwhile, is gayer than ever. Austin tries some more stuff, but eats a heel kick, and somehow hits Rickmen with a clothesline to avoid giving up control. More offense, and IL tosses him to the floor. Careful, gentlemen: We have a GENERIC CRUISER MATCH on our hands! Back in, and headlock from Sly gets shot to the ropes and caught with a suplex. Austin begs off, but … wait, Austin begs off and Rickmen keeps attacking him? Who booked this crap? Everyone knows when the heel begs off, the face is supposed to let him go and then take a low blow. Come on, people, get your heads out of your asses! *ahem* Rickmen hits four rolling DDTs, and gets 2. The fans are firmly behind IL, and he keeps the beatings on as he goes for a HIGH RISK MANEUVER~! The attempted diving rana gets dodged, but IL lands on his feet. Turns around and eats a superkick, and then Austin hits the Sky Surfer for 3. * 1/2 for perfectly acceptable wrestling. Crusierweight #1.5 Contendership: Alan Clark vs. Jacob Helmsley - Why aren’t either of these matches being conducted under cruiserweight rules? Good old Matty Kivell’s working this one. Collar and elbow starts this one off, and Helmsley takes control. We’re building up in a classic monster-strength wrestler vs. speedy cruiser match here, which is odd, since Helmsley isn’t much of a monster. Clark reverses a spear into a sunset flip for 2 and follows up with a superkick. Kicking sequence ends with Helmsley taking control with an Evenflow DDT, then getting 2. What ever happened to the one-count? Clark gets dumped with a NORZERN RIGHTS SUPREXAH~! for 2, and Helmsley’s doing waaay to well to get the duke here. Alan rolls out, and BASEBALL SLIDE #3 of the evening by Jacob Helmsley, our lumbering monster for the night! Clark does a weird skin-the-cat spot on the guardrail and Helmsley takes a dive onto the grass. Helmsley recovers, though, and punches Clark, then rolls him in for 2. Helmsley, ably playing the part of Yokozuna, hits a belly-to-belly out of the corner for 2. Man, he’s just getting fatter and fatter as the match goes on. Clark sits up, and Jacozuna’s all, “Noooope, you don’t get up till I tell you to!” and boots him back down. He lifts him up for a superplex, but Clark blocks it twice. Jake suddenly loses 400 pounds and jumps up for a hurricanrana, but gets caught on Clark’s shoulders. Clark falls forwards, and it’s the ACCIDENTAL POWER BOMB~! And we’ve got the double 10-count. Jacozuna’s back to his 500-pound self, as he gets up before Clark does and covers him for 2. Clark’s up again, and once again the two of them lock up. Clark really recovers quickly, as he’s able to get the upper hand over the former sumo grand champion by tripping him up, then kicking him in the face! Then, he sweeps the arm out from under Helmsley, which stuns him long enough to hit the Rolling Stone shooting star press for the 2. Clark hits a leg lariat, and wow, after taking a beating the whole match and not having a transition per se, Clark’s really taken control somehow. He lifts the 750-pound Jacozuna off the mat for the Final Curtain, but Helmsley flips out of it and counters with a DDT for 2. Jake whips Clark to the ropes and Clark ducks a clothesline, then hits his third superkick of the night. Clark, the adrenaline incredibly overriding his ability to sell, hits a lariat of his own, and then goes for an asai moonsault (SHADES OF ULTIMO DRAGON, BROTHER~!). Helmsley rolls away, and then takes control with some Irish whip offense and a Canadian backbreaker. Clark fights like hell to escape the monstrously strong Helmsley’s grip, but all his efforts are in vain. Wait, no. He gets out. He falls down and hooks Helmsley for a neckbreaker, and we’re AMPED~! Clark finally sells something, and he’s the new king of the delayed sell. Wait, that was it. He’s on the top rope and hits the Encore for 3! Clark celebrates after the bell, but here’s Landon Maddix to spoil the parade. No fighting, though, as Landon’s up next. * for a spotty cruiser match where Jacob Helmsley’s an unstoppable monster, but only kind of. SWF Hardcore Gamers Championship: Aecas vs. Mike Van Siclen © - Wait a minute. I WAS PROMISED MADDIX! Ugh. There’ll be letters on Applewhite’s desk in the morning. Jefferson Harding is reffing this one, and it’s nice to see the SWF employing someone so clearly learning-disabled. Aecas opens it with a clothesline, and MVS is on his back. Uh, guys? No bell yet. Guys? GUYS?! Harding’s counting the pin, so apparently we’re not too worried about it in the hardcore setting. Aecas gets 2. He whips MVS to the ropes and drops to one knee for a spinebuster, but gets his just desserts for telegraphing it and takes a Shining Wizard. He gets 2, but Aecas throws him off hard. Van Siclen takes the momentum and hits Aecas with a WHEELKICK~! MVS follows up with a split-legged moonsault, but no cover. MVS whips Aecas into the corner and attacks him, then pimp-smacks him. He’s all, “Hey, tell your wife she was good…” Then he whips him to the ropes, clearly hoping to hit a backdrop for the “… in teh BUTT,” but Aecas clubs him. Canadian backbreaker, and wow, who booked these two matches back to back? It’s like the same match, only this one’s got weapons, theoretically. He faceplants MVS over the top rope, and holy shit! MVS eats grass on the outside! And it’s time for LIGHT TUBES~! This segment brought to you by your local power supplier. MVS, in his bloodied state, still manages to kick Aecas in the ass onto his hands and knees with his head under the ring, but declines to sodomize him. Instead, he opts to… untie Aecas’s boots, and throw them away. Um. This does make sense, though, as Riley explains that Aecas can’t very well walk around in the shattered glass barefoot. MVS steals Comet’s seat and goes to attack Aecas, who’s playing Jacob Helmsley to a tee with the pipe and everything. Aecas boots MVS’s chair, though, and sends him to his back in the bed of glass. Both of these guys are getting absolutely shredded. I HOPE YOU APPRECIATE THIS!! Aecas tries to power bomb MVS into the glass, but takes a rana into two glass tubes instead. MVS then, for some reason, hides a foreign object in his tights in a hardcore match. He counters a lariat into a crucifix for 2, then follows up with a bitchslap… no-sold. Bitchslap #2… no-sold. Bitchslap #3… no-sold. And Aecas is PISSED~! He whips MVS to the corner and hits the avalanche, then slashes his throat! He goes for the Executioner, but here’s Janice to spoil the fun. MVS gets dumped like a sack of potatoes, and it’s STARE-DOWN TIME~! Janice knees him in the gut, then… holy crap! Power bomb over the top rope and into the glass! MVS looks around, hits a slingshot sin aerial and gets the 3! He retains, and without even hitting a baseball slide. No rating for this. It wasn’t wrestling, it was attempted murder. Christ, I hope someone picked the glass out of these guys. And here’s Mike on the mic! - HA! I slay me. Anyways, Mike’s claiming credit for Wildchild being out of action, but here’s Johnny Dangerous to defend his friend’s honor! Johnny administers the savage beats to MVS in Wildchild’s name, which is impressive and all, but, uh, can’t he pick on someone who hasn’t just nearly been killed? Still, the fans are eating it up, and Johnny’s looking a lot more focused on avenging Wildchild. USJL Championship: Landon “La Cucaracha” Maddix vs. “Wild” Coy West © - FINALLY, I get me Maddix. Good old Ced Ordonez working here, and this is a dream match. Landon opens this up by protecting himself, ducking out of the ropes, but when Coy gets pushed back, he eats a forearm! He follows up with a flurry, but West hits a forearm of his own to take control. Landon rolls out to have Megan Skye’s Breasts examine his mouth, but apparently he’s okay. Back in, and still stalling until Coy smacks him. Landon staggers, but comes back for a rolling elbow that misses because if it hit the match would be over. Coy slows things down and locks Maddix up into a tight headlock that blossoms into a mat sequence that ends with him attacking Maddix’s knees. Coy drags him back up and goes through the same sequence. This time, Maddix tries to counter with a flying headscissors, but Coy throws him off and he lands on his knees! This match is great – it’s like sex, except West is having it! West is just destroying Maddix’s knees, and there’s an excellent bit of implied banter about soccer that no one else caught. West whips Maddix to the ropes, but the knee gives out! Good lord, Landon’s selling like he hit his head on the refrigerator, running to get under it when West turned the lights on. Coy grabs Maddix… but takes a low blow! Maddix tunes up the band, and holy crap is there workrate in this match. He hits the superkick for 2. Maddix follows up with a bulldog, then attempts a swanton but misses! Coy’s up, and he hooks the leg and plays to the crowd. Stack by Coy gets 2, and then Maddix sees he’s been faked into a slingshot! Landon catches himself and goes for Crash Landon 04, but Coy counters with a Manhattan drop! Belly-to-belly gets 2. They trade offense, each man countering out until Maddix gets a pumphandle stretchamajig! Dear god, that looks painful. Coy fights his way out of it, though, and ends up on top with an STF! Maddix starts tapping, but Ordonez is being distracted by Megan Skye’s Breasts! Coy, being all southern and gullible, releases the hold. Landon gets a “perfectly legal” choke, and when Ordonez turns back around, Coy’s completely out of it. Maddix hits the Drug of Maddixion, a shooting star legdrop, for 3 and the belt! *** ½ for a great match with a screwy finish. Steel Cage Submission: Tom Flesher vs. John Duran - Unfortunately, I got rumbly in the tumbly right about here and got up to make some Kraft Dinner. By the time I got back, Flesher had won, so I can’t rate it. Silent is anything but, on the stick - Denies that Silent and Kibagami are different people, and I don’t think Toxxic likes where this is going. SWF World Championship #1 Contendership: Toxxic vs. Nathaniel Kibagami - And SILENT is in the building! Missile dropkick from Toxxic opens things! Um, guys? No bell yet. Ah, there it is. And Toxxic does the Catalogue Pose to taunt Silent. Toxxic stomps the neck, and we have a hair-assisted Irish whip. Silent reverses it, but eats a spinning heel kick for his trouble. Fast forward to the end, because although this is a great match, I’m just too tired to recap or rate it. Kibs wins with the Demonstar! And that’s all, folks!

Smooth, but it's no Double Saadomy.

You mean the Superior Stretch? BITE YOUR TONGUE!

Gotcha covered.

Bizzump.

(10:30pm) (Hollywood) I've been banned from the Malibu Boyscouts Forum ... Okay. (10:30pm) (Hollywood) Malibu Boyscouts = local ska band (10:31pm) (Hollywood) I don't think Crow or Dace are showing for our match, either. Ohh. Well John Walsh of America's Most Wanted got an honorary doctorate at my university commencement today. (10:32pm) (Hollywood) ..... (10:32pm) (Hollywood) Well.... (10:32pm) (Hollywood) I....uhh....had a chicken pot pie for dinner I had steak. Nice porterhouse. 22 oz, med rare. (10:33pm) (Hollywood) ..... (10:33pm) (Hollywood) I'm gonna have a hot pocket. I'm going to spend the night with six beautiful women and teach them how to make love. (10:33pm) (Hollywood) ...... And your mom's fat. (10:34pm) (Hollywood) ...... (10:34pm) (Hollywood) Damn it! (10:34pm) (Hollywood) You may have won the battle. (10:34pm) (Hollywood) But the war is FAR from over.

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