Enigma 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Today is a sad day for wrestling fans, especially wrestling fans on the internet. It’s a sad day because I am going to shatter the myth once and for all. It’s a sad day because you will learn the truth... the truth that each and every one of us knows inside our heart about Chris Benoit. The truth is that Chris Benoit absolutely sucks. It’s true. Let’s look at why he sucks. BENOIT'S WRESTLING TALENT Chris Benoit is not a good wrestler. One only needs to look at his matches. If the WWE in recent years (when it was the WWF) has taught us anything, its that they know wrestling. Just watch an Undertaker match. Then go watch a HHH match. Then go watch some selected Rock matches (as long as they are not Rock v Benoit matches). These men can work. Chris Benoit cannot. I’ll give an example. In Benoit’s Summerslam 2002 match with RVD, the first offensive maneuver he hit was a leg takedown followed by a submission hold. Excuse my language, but what in the holy fuck is that? Watching great HHH and Undertaker matches has taught us that using moves like these are always ineffective. A good slow methodical punch, followed by ten more (no matter how long it takes) is always more effective. Need proof? Watch when The Rock punches an opponent and see how the super hard impact sends them flying. Do Chris Benoit’s leg takedowns do this? No they do not. Another example of this horrible offense is the use of suplexes. One of Benoit’s trademark moves is something called the Rolling German Suplex. I think it’s a French move or something. Again, why would he bother trying to take his opponent down with that? Wrestlers like Kevin Nash and HHH (two people who CAN draw and know how to work) have proven that simply hitting your opponent with your knee is more effective. The verdict? Chris Benoit is merely trying to show off and show up his fellow wresters in an attempt to make them look bad. Backstage politics like this is killing the business (just as they helped kill WCW) and Benoit should be ashamed of himself for indulging in this, and therefore he sucks. BENOIT'S HISTORY Another reason that Chris Benoit sucks is that he cannot win. I was live at the Joe Louis Arena the first time Benoit wrestled a match in the WWE(F). It was Chris Benoit v. HHH. While it was a very good match (Benoit was obviously carried and was trying to show HHH up with those German Suplexes), Benoit lost. Let’s look forward at some more history. After Wrestlemania 2000 (the year Benoit debuted in the WWF) he began a long and tedious feud with Chris Jericho. These two produced absolutely awful matches that nobody could watch. This became especially apparent when these shows were main evented by The Rock and HHH (two world class workers, although The Rock is a bit shaky, because he always LOSES also). This becomes even MORE apparent at Judgement Day 2000. Benoit and Jericho bored the audience to tears in their match... however later in the evening, The Undertaker made his grand return with punches and chokeslams all around, showing guys like Benoit how to really work. Looking back at that match, notice how Undertaker just threw a punch or two to take a man down whereas Benoit was trying ineffective submission moves, takedowns, kicks, and suplexes. As a result of Benoit’s shameless backstage politics, he somehow ended up in the main event of two PPVs that year and wrestled The Rock. Thankfully The Rock was good enough to carry Benoit to a watchable match. His second main event was a 4 way with Rock, Kane, and Undertaker. The focus on Benoit in that match almost killed it, but thankfully Undertaker and Kane picked up the slack. Quite possibly the most shameless moment in that debut year for Benoit was the Armageddon PPV where Benoit faced Billy Gunn. After carrying Benoit to a nearly 5 star match (and Benoit almost paralyzing himself by not knowing how to take a simple bump), Gunn still did the job. It’s a sad day when Benoit’s politics kill the push of great workers like Billy Gunn. I could go on, but the pattern remains the same. Benoit wrestles in the upper midcard (depriving men like Bradshaw and A-Train of their rightful spots), politicks his way to a main event, someone in WWE comes to their senses, wash rinse repeat. The period where Benoit was injured was where workrate soared and fans rejoiced. As for other promotions, its well known that the WWE(F) is the only company that was ever any good, so we'll dispense with that. The verdict? Benoit’s history in the WWE(F) has shown that he completely sucks. BENOIT'S CHARACTER They call Benoit the Canadian Crippler... but has he ever crippled anybody? Why doesn’t anyone ever submit to the Crippler Crossface? I believe it is because the move is so terrible and weak and ineffective. There was the one time The Rock tapped out, but The Rock was obviously selflessly putting Benoit over before he left for a movie. Fans like to claim Benoit is some sort of vicious monster. However let me ask you a simple question... has Benoit ever beat HHH clean one on one? Has Benoit ever beat the Undertaker? Unless I’m mistaken, I believe the answer to both of those questions is NO. There’s a reason for that. The reason is that he sucks and HHH and Undertaker are just better. This was proven on a Smackdown when Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle lost to the Undertaker. Perhaps if Benoit had idolized greats like Andre the Giant, El Gigante, Hulk Hogan, and Kevin Nash instead of terrible wrestlers like the Dynamite Kid, things would be different. The verdict? Benoit has a piss poor character who nobody can ever take seriously and therefore he sucks. Hopefully from now on, Benoit will put the business first like wrestlers such as HHH, Undertaker, and Kevin Nash have done. Hopefully from now on, he will stop shamelessly promoting himself. Hopefully from now on, he will cease with the backstage politics. Hopefully from now on, he will attempt to make his opponents look good like The Undertaker does, instead of attempting to make himself look better. Somehow, I doubt it. Chris Benoit, rot in hell you selfish bastard. Rot in hell. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Fökai 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Eh, you took the joke too far. Still funny, though. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest rawmvp Report post Posted January 30, 2004 You forgot to add this last part, "Note the Sarcasm" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hoff 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Funny, and well-written too. Nice. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lightning Flik 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Meh... It's alright... Not bad for the attempt, I'll admit I was amused. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Coffey Report post Posted January 30, 2004 At the risk of sounding hypocritical, I find it disappointing that you wrote all of that out only to get a few one-liner replies. Then again, it is 3am where I'm at, so I suspect it's pretty late in some other places too. Still, funny and well-written. If you can't get your point across by stating your opinion, it can't fall on deaf ears after it's been soaked with that much sarcasm. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Enigma 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Who said I was joking Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nighthawk 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 He did cripple somebody, didn't he? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted January 30, 2004 He did cripple somebody, didn't he? Sabu. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Nighthawk 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JN News 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Who said I was joking If you're not joking, SD, then you have truely lost your friggin' mind. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
spiny norman 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 I'm taking it this is all sarcastic, but the question remains: Why would you bash The Rock or Triple H in 2000? They were bloody good back then (and their feud was better than Benoit-Jericho). So because of that I have no idea what this guy is trying to say here, other than perhaps Benoit is great and all those who were upper-carders when he was a mid-carder were nowhere near as good and were holding him down (which is really not the case with The Rock, the guy jobbed to anyone). Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. True. Then again, the 3-D (Dudley Death Drop) doesn't actually cause death. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scroby 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 It did for Beulah...we never saw her again. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted January 30, 2004 It did for Beulah...we never saw her again. It only "broke" her neck. It didn't kill her. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Scroby 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 WHAT ARE YOU SERIOUS ECW LIED TO ME!!!!!!!!! no i'm j/k good point through. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
haVoc 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 After carrying Benoit to a nearly 5 star match (and Benoit almost paralyzing himself by not knowing how to take a simple bump), Gunn still did the job. It’s a sad day when Benoit’s politics kill the push of great workers like Billy Gunn. That part made me laugh. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
notJames 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 It did for Beulah...we never saw her again. It only "broke" her neck. It didn't kill her. Nope, but marrying Tommy Dreamer might. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
B. Brian Brunzell 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 After carrying Benoit to a nearly 5 star match (and Benoit almost paralyzing himself by not knowing how to take a simple bump), Gunn still did the job. It’s a sad day when Benoit’s politics kill the push of great workers like Billy Gunn. That part made me laugh. That was the funniest part of the entire piece. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Repo Man Reborn Report post Posted January 30, 2004 S D is a genius. Oh, it's true. I needed a mop the size of Bob Marley's head to wipe down the sarcasm dripping from my monitor. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest ManKinnd Report post Posted January 30, 2004 I'll certainly take a mostly-well-written mocking article like this over "Benoit RuleZ!!!1" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JumpinJackFlash Report post Posted January 30, 2004 I thought he was telling the truth. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JumpinJackFlash Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, it sounded like the last time he watched WWE Tv was in December of 2000. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Repo Man Reborn Report post Posted January 30, 2004 I can't decide who is funnier. S D or the marks who are getting angry? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewTS 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. If Benoit did cause Sabu to stop wrestling, it would be one more accomplishment to praise him for. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
razazteca 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Does the D in SD stand for Dave? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Salacious Crumb Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. Actually I think the move was Sabu's fault for the most part. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 LOL This is obviously a joke. If it's not....then someone needs a brain. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Damaramu 0 Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. Actually I think the move was Sabu's fault for the most part. Yeah Sabu didn't flip at all. Benoit tossed him and he didn't roll through...he just sent himself straight down. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest netslob Report post Posted January 30, 2004 Yeah, that's it. But Sabu is still walking, so technically he wasn't crippled. True. Then again, the 3-D (Dudley Death Drop) doesn't actually cause death. yeah, and the Awesome Bomb was never THAT awesome. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
