The Official Askewniverse Quotes Thread

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

And there are plenty of them.

 

Jay: "Damn, that bastard's faster than Walt Flanagan's dog..."

 

(Mallrats)

 

Brodie: "Haven't I made it abundantly clear during the tenure of our friendship that I don't know shit?"

 

(Mallrats)

[Black Lushus 0]

"whenever I'm relaxed, I squirt..." Brodie's take on farting while your girlfriend is going down on you from Mallrats.

[1234-5678 0]

"And then, Black Beauty decided to do some of his own mounting......."

 

"What are you doing?!"

 

"I think I want kids of my own someday, they're fun."

 

As Holden catches Banky showing a little kid a chick getting fucked by a horse.

[Guest Joshua A. Norton]

Hooper: Check this shit. You got cracker farm boy Luke Skywalker, Nazi poster boy, blond hair, blue eyes. And then you got Darth Vader, the blackest brother in the galaxy, Nubian god!

Banky Edwards: What's a "Nubian"?

Hooper: Shut the fuck up!

 

Hooper: And Jedi's the most insulting installment. Because Vader's beautiful black visage is sullied when he pulls off his mask to reveal a feeble, crusty, old white man! They tryin' to tell us that deep inside we all wants to be white!

Banky Edwards: Well, isn't that true?

[1234-5678 0]

"Christ, you overcompensate for what's basically a monkey's job. You push fucking buttons. Anybody can just waltz in here and do our jobs. You're so obsessed with making it seem so much more epic and important than it really is. You work at a convenience store, Dante! And badly, I might add! I work at a shitty video store, badly as well. That guy Jay's got it right, man. He's got no delusions about what he does. Us, we like to think that we're so much more advanced than the people that come in here everyday to buy paper, or, god forbid, cigarettes. Well, if we're so fucking advanced, what are we doing working here?"-Randal

[Guest Askewniverse]

Clerks

Dante: "37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!"

Customer: "In a row?"

 

Mallrats

Brodie: "Most of the time, I’m just talking out of my ass...or sticking my hand in it."

 

Brodie: "You fuckers think just because a guy reads comics, he can’t start some shit?"

 

by various characters throughout the movie: "What, like the back of a Volkswagen?"

 

Chasing Amy

Banky (to Alyssa): "Since you like chicks, do you just look at yourself naked in the mirror all the time?"

 

Dogma

Jay: "We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be here, unless they like to fuck?"

 

Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back

Jay: "Miramax? I thought they only did classy pictures, like The Piano or The Crying Game."

Brodie: "Yeah, well, once they made She’s All That, everything went to hell."

 

Marshall Willenholly: "The only thing I do recognize right now is a political fiasco here, that I’m about to avoid by letting this BUTT-fucking Brady Bunch go!"

 

Miramax guard: "Sorry to interrupt sirs, but we got a 10-07 on our hands."

Matt Damon: "Ah Jesus, again Ben?"

Ben Affleck: "No, bullshit! Cause I wasn’t with a hooker today, ha-ha!"

 

Jay (to Jason Biggs): "Hey, wait a second. Aren’t you that guy that fucked the pie?"

 

Clerks (animated series)

Randal: "Why the hell is he called Silent Bob, anyways?"

 

Jay: "I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick’s kissing booth."

Dante: "What? Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?"

Jay: "Yeah, only it don’t cost nothing and it’s not for charity...and there’s no booth...and it’s more than just kissing...and you don’t have to be a guy. Dude, she’s cheating on you."

 

Dante: "There is no virus. You’re all victims of the overactive imagination of a pop culture junkie loud mouth."

Major Baklava: "Quentin Tarantino?"

 

An Evening with Kevin Smith

Kevin (mocking Tim Burton): "Anybody who knows me knows I would never read a comic book."

"Which to me, explains Batman."

(mocks Burton again): "And I certainly would never read anything written by Kevin Smith."

"Whoa! The gloves came off and the claws came out...the fucking scissorhands came out!"

[1234-5678 0]

Jay: “I wanna get in line for that Caitlin chick’s kissing both.”

Dante: “What? Caitlin has a kissing booth? Like for charity?”

Jay: “Yeah, only it don’t cost nothing and it’s not for charity...and there’s no booth...and it’s more than just kissing...and you don’t have to be a guy. Dude, she’s cheating on you.”

Hilarious stuff.

[notJames 0]

DANTE: Thirty-seven?! My girlfriend sucked thirty-seven dicks!

 

CUSTOMER: In a row?

[1234-5678 0]

Silent Bob: [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months in, I ask about the ex-boyfriend. Dumb move, I know, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to... stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they dated for years, lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she tells me that a couple times, he brought other people to bed with them - ménage a tois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind. I mean, I'm not used to that sort of thing, right? I was raised Catholic.

 

Jay: Saint Shithead.

 

[silent Bob backhands him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]

 

Silent Bob: Do something.

 

Silent Bob: [to Holden] So I get weirded out, and just start blasting her, right? This is the only way I can deal with it - by calling her a slut, and telling her that she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood I want to hurt her - because I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling. And I'm like "What the fuck is wrong with you?" and she's telling me that it was that time, in that place, and she didn't do anything wrong, so she's not gonna apologize. So I tell her it's over, and I walk.

 

Jay: Fucking-A.

 

Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level or never be enough for her or something. And what I didn't get was that she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was looking for me, for the Bob. But by the time I realized this, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away...

 

[silent Bob lights a cigarette]

 

Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...

 

[takes a drag from his smoke]

 

Silent Bob: So to speak.

[Guest Askewniverse]

Banky: "This is a serious exercise. It's like an SAT question. Which one is going to get to the hundred dollar bill first? The male-friendly lesbian, the man-hating dyke, Santa Claus, or the Easter Bunny?"

Holden: "The man-hating dyke."

Banky: "Good. Why?"

Holden: "I don't know."

Banky: "Because the other three are figments of your fucking imagination!"

 

Holden: "So, what do you want to do tonight?"

Banky: "Get a pizza and watch Degrassi Jr. High."

Holden: "You got a weird thing for Canadian melodrama."

Banky: "I've got a weird thing for chicks who say aboot."

[DerangedHermit 0]

Dogma:

 

Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.

[Black Lushus 0]

Silent Bob: So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...

the best part of the "Chasing Amy Story" scene is when Bob says "I felt small" and Jay looks him up and down and perks his eyebrow as if saying "you were small once?"

[DCMaximo 0]

Jason Biggs: Don't you recognize me? I'm a teen idol! I'm the pie-fucker

(Biggs is put into police car)

Security Guard: Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie (laughs)

[The Metal Maniac 0]

"Try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot!"

[Karnage 0]

Korean Animator Han: Who's driving? Oh my God, BEAR is driving. How can that be?

[1234-5678 0]

Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.

Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.

Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.

Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.

[A shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]

Jay: Dude, not all the time.

[Guest Joshua A. Norton]

Brodie: Listen, not a year goes by, not a year, that I don't hear about some escalator accident involving some bastard kid which could have easily been avoided had some parent - I don't care which one - but some parent conditioned him to fear and respect that escalator.

 

Brodie: But you've had a lot of girls, right?

Stan Lee: Oh yeah. Mick Jagger and I had a running tally going. Last I checked I was way ahead.

[Guest Askewniverse]

Clerks

Silent Bob (to Dante): "There's a million fine looking women in the world, dude. But they don't all bring you lasagna at work. Most of them just cheat on you."

 

Dogma

Bethany: "What's he like?"

Metatron: "God? Lonely...but funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus."

Bethany: "Sex is a joke in heaven?"

Metatron: "The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here too."

 

Serendipity: "I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time."

Bethany: "Nineteen?"

Serendipity: Yeah, the one about the kid by himself in his house, burglars try to get in and he fights them off - I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit."

 

Clerks (animated series)

Randal: "Caitlin, schmaitlin. She left you an obsessed wreck of a man who works below minimum wage in a convenience store."

Dante: "You work here too."

Randal: "Yeah, but at least I have my dignity...and tapes of you having sex with Caitlin."

 

Bailiff: "All rise for the honorable Judge Reinhold."

(court room laughs)

Bailiff: "Show some respect for Judge Reinhold!"

Judge Reinhold: "That's okay. It's more laughs than I got in Head Office."

[Lord of The Curry 0]

Banky in Chasing Amy has arguably the best lines out of any character in any Smith flick.

 

"You said fuck. She said fuck. You said fuck to that girl, you said that you'd fuck her."

 

"Hey, I always notice that bored look in their eyes."

 

" I mean, I can buy fags, guys that need dick, just plain need it. But dykes? Bullshit posturing. All any woman needs be it senator, housewife or nun is some serious deep dickin'."

 

" I'll trace a chalk line around your dead fuckin' body you fuck!"

 

"Now that, my friend, is a shared moment."

[DerangedHermit 0]

Bethany: You were martyred?

Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to death by huge fucking rocks.

 

 

Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?

Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.

Bethany: "Sixteen Candles" John Hughes?

Jay: You know that guy, too? See, all these movies take place in a small town called Shermer, in Illinois, where all the honies are top-shelf, but all the dudes are whiny pussies - except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh - but best of all, there was no one dealin', man; then, it hits me: we could live like phat rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed, and we caught a bus. You know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There is no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.

[Cran Da Maniac 0]

A few from the Clerks cartoon

 

Randal Graves: Show us on the doll where they touched you.

Dante Hicks: Nobody touched me.

Randal Graves: Who was it? There's no more running from your past. Who touched you?

Dante Hicks: I hate you.

 

Randal Graves: State your name and latest film.

George Lucas: George Lucas, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace.

Randal Graves: And, do you think Phantom Menace is as good a movie as Empire?

George Lucas: Well, certainly, I, uh, think it's the best movie I've made yet.

Randal Graves: Permission to treat this witness as hostile. Mr. Lucas, how do you explain that in Star Wars, Obi-Wan tells Luke that when he met his father he was a great pilot, but in Menace he's just a little boy?

George Lucas: Uh, well, my... my kids thought...

Randal Graves: And how come Obi-Wan tells Luke that Yoda is the Jedi that trained him, but in the movie Liam Neeson trains Obi-Wan?

George Lucas: Uh, well, the power of myth...

Randal Graves: Isn't it true you knew this was a bad movie, that you wrote it over a weekend but kept telling people it was done for years?

Lawyer: Objection, your honor. The pod race was pretty cool.

 

Big Mac:Hello good people of Leonardo. I, like the mayor, was on my way to a costume, but incidentally, not the same costume party. I am able to remove my costume but I have decided to wear it as protection against the deadly virus. Are there any questions?

Tovah Hernandaz-Carlson: Who are you supposed to be?

Big Mac: I'm Big Mac. Beloved constable and best friend to Ronald McDonald. Now are there any questions about the virus?

Steve-Dave: Will this administration ever bring the Hamburglar to justice?

Big Mac: No... Yes. Look, does anybody have any questions about the virus that could kill us all?

Reporter: Can the virus kill the Grimace?

Big Mac: Nothing can kill the Grimace. All right, we're done here.

[Just John 0]

(Mallrats)

 

Kid #1: It's a schooner.

Willam: You dumb bastard. That's not a schooner, it's a sailboat!

Kid #2 : A schooner is a sailboat, stupid head.

Willam: You know what? There is no Easter bunny! Over there, that's just a guy in a suit!

 

Brandi: 2nd suitor... If we were making whoopie

Brodie: Whoopie? What's that?

Brandi: Um... If we were being intimate

Brodie: You mean like fucking?

 

(Dogma)

 

Serendipity: The real essence of woman is between her legs *lifts up her dress toward Becky* and as you can see, I lack definition.

Jay (off camera): No fair, they're gettin' a free show.

 

(Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)

 

Jay: But don't they kick you out if you don't make with the head?

Carlin: Sure... if ya don't make with the head.

 

Jay: This guy'll suck your dick off if you let us go.

Guard: Contrary to what you may have heard, not everyone in Hollywood is gay.

Jay: Ok, he'll suck my dick off while you watch and jerk off.

Guard: Alright, but make it fast... and sexy. (To Bob) And when he's finished, you have to say "ooooh what a lovely tea party."

 

Shaka: ... and then I say cut and I get the fuck back to my trailer where I got more white girls than the first lifeboat on the Titantic, and they all want a special part in my movies.

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

Brody: "Come on, you fuckers think just 'cause a guy read comics he can't start some shit?"

 

(Mallrats)

 

Jay: "... No wait, I fucked up. "What's a good plate with nothing on it?""

 

Dante: "Meaning?"

 

Jay: "I don't know, my grandma was all senile and shit. She used to piss herself (Licks cigarette paper). And shit herself."

 

(Clerks)

 

Randal: "Melodrama coming from you is about as natural as an oral bowel movement."

 

(Clerks)

 

Jay: "I've had some girlfriends too, but all they wanted from me was weed and shit."

 

(Clerks)

 

Randal: "Eh, what happened to all the Gatorade?"

 

Dante (frustrated): "Exactly! They drank it all"

 

(Clerks)

 

Askewniverse, did you swipe your avatar from the View Askew forums?

[Zack Malibu 0]

A few from Mallrats that I enjoy:

 

Brodie: My Grandmother always used to say "why buy the cow, when you can get the sex for free".

 

T.S. Quint: She said that?

 

Brodie: All the time, before she became a lesbian on her 60th Birthday, but that's besides the point.

 

 

 

Brodie: Cookie stand isn't part of the food court.

 

T.S. Quint: Of course it is.

 

Brodie: The food court is downstairs. The cookie stand is upstairs. It not like we're talking quantum physics here.

 

T.S. Quint: The cookie stands counts as an eatery, eateries are part of the food court.

 

Brodie: Bullshit. Eateries that operate within the designated square downstairs count as food court. Anything outside, of said designated sqaure, counts as an autonomous unit for mid-mall snacking. Now, if your going to wax intellectual about the subject...

[Toshiaki Koala 0]

They actually call it the "Askewniverse?" Anyway...

 

[Randal is on the phone when a woman and little girl come to the counter]

Mom: Excuse me, do you sell videos?

Randal: Yeah, what're you looking for?

Kid: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Randal: Okay, hang on, I'm on the phone with the distribution house now, lemme make sure we got it. What was it called again?

Mom: Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.

Kid: Happy Scrappy...

Mom: She loves it.

Randal: Obviously. Yeah, hello, this is RST Video, customer number 4352, I need to place an order. Okay, I need one each of the following tapes: "Whispers in the Wind", "To Each His Own", "Put It Where It Doesn't Belong", "My Pipes Need Cleaning", "All Tit-Fucking Volume 8", "I Need Your Cock", "Ass-Worshipping Rim-Jobbers", "My Cunt Needs Shafts", "Cum Clean", "Cum-Gargling Naked Sluts", "Cum Buns III", "Cumming in Socks", "Cum On Eileen", "Huge Black Cocks and Pearly White Cum", "Girls Who Crave Cock", "Girls Who Crave Cunt", "Men Alone II: the KY Connection", "Pink Pussy Lips", and, uh, oh yeah, "All Holes Filled with Hard Cock". Uh-huh... yeah... Oh, wait, and, what was that called again?

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

Jay: "And besides, we're in the cleario, it's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey. Bitch."

 

(Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)

 

Chaka: "Does your daddy know that you bring a nigga his coffee?"

 

(Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back)

[DangerousDamon 0]

A line from Clerks.

 

 

Customer:What do you mean there's no ice? I'm supposed to drink this coffee hot?!

[Guest I Got Banned for Sucking]

Randal: "And they never rent quality flicks. They always go for the most intellectually devoid thing on the racks."

 

(Clerks)

 

A teacher at school by the name of Mr. Bailey looks so much like animated Dante, it's not funny. I asked him today how Randal was, and he just looked at me.