Angel_Grace_Blue 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 Now, it doesn't seem to be happening much anymore, but at a point, there were quite a few double no-shows on our cards. Since we can't have a big empty space and people talking about a match that didn't happen, the DNS match was created. It's used for general humiliation purposes, and this my friends, is perhaps the best to have ever been written. So great, it's a co-write between Kibagami and myself, since we rock. So, without any further interruption, the match. “Welcome back to whatever show this is, Riley. I can’t be bothered to look at the card and notice I have a MATCH and SHOW UP FOR IT, so we’ve got this boring and slightly incoherent 1000 words coming up!” ”That’s right, Mark Stevens! I’m Bobby Riley, and since gay jokes bore the absolute living Christ out of the person that’s writing me, you will not hear my stale voice for the next page or so!” “It’s Raining Men” begins to blast, well, not really blast, sort of a tin-sounding hum really, but for the sake of description blasts over the 50-watt PA King’s techies brought with them to Podunk, Egypt, for this show as Judge Mental and Kris (or is it Kross?) enter together for reasons that aren’t really important, but for the sake of the story, let’s say they’re gay, shall we? Uh…yeah. Anyway, Judge and Kross get into the ring, and Funyon begins announcing their entrance, except his mic is broken, so they cut off “It’s Raining Men” and plug another mic into the PA, and Funyon starts to announce again, but Neilsen runs into the ring with a CRAZED KILLER ATTACK MONKEY and commands the monkey to rend Funyon from limb to limb! Funyon faints like he’s fucking Scarlett O’Hara or whatever her name was or something and the monkey rips his throat out from his LEG! Damn, that monkey’s crazy. Stuff happens, wherein Kris screams a lot and says the word “tubular” and Judge hits Funyon’s lifeless corpse with a gavel four times or so (four seems like a good number for something like this, don’t you think?), and then The Flocknest Monster runs into the ring and screams “READ HOT SHIT WRESTLING!” before security drags him away, but the Monster grabs hold of the PA on his way out and pulls it over and it breaks and somewhere in Iowa, a butterfly flaps its wings and then dies. Judge hits his finisher on a member of the ring crew because I can’t remember what his finisher is, really, and Kross says “tubular!” again, and suddenly rocks fall, crushing Kris’ head, but nothing significant comes of that. Stevens: Dear Jesus! Enough with the bunnies, Judge! They’ve suffered enough!! Riley: Shut up you, those bastards deserve to be driven through twelve steel chairs! Despite Hearford’s pressure, Kraig manages to wriggle free from the crucifix knee trap. Kross ducks a destructive swathe of energy from Chris Wilson’s phaser, and Silent manages to drive Wilson head-first onto some conveniently-placed jagged rocks. “Hot Shit” Tony Stetson rears back and delivers a quad-tearing punch to the Miserly Jew’s baked potato. Dramatically, as Judge whips Kris into the ropes, three sparklers near the entrance go off and out steps Gillberg!! Looking menacingly towards Stetson, Gillberg walks down the ramp. Gillberg: There has been far too much oppression! And I bring, from the mouth of God, LET MY PEOPLE GO!! With that, Gillberg spears Stetson through an obese Tanzanian, thus smiting “Hot Shit.” Gillberg pulls MJ to his feet and they walk off to file taxes. Kross avoids an arm drag from Judge and brings Hearford down with a crisp bite to the back of the neck. Kraig pulls Billy up and sends him towards the ropes, but Judge simply goes out of the ring as the ropes have been removed by Giant Gonzales for flossing purposes. Stevens: Goodness, look at Judge go. Well it looks like the cow’s comin’ in for the night’s milkin and ol’ Uncle Glen’s turned the lamp down low. Riley: What the hell? Have you been taking things from Kibagami again? Stevens: You don’t approve of my colloquial sayings? As Judge rises, Grimedogg comes out of the crowd and cracks a lead pipe over Judge’s head. Grimedogg gives Wilson a bonk on the head and runs off. Kraig gets to his feet after being floored by Gonzales and is thrown towards Terry Funk, who knocks him into the third row with a cookie sheet. Ali G, of Da Ali G Show walks out and is about to say, “I iz ready” or some other retarded crap, but is beaten down by Judge and Kraig and Kris and Kross and Jesus and just about everyone else because he’s a ghetto thug, and honestly that’s just retarded. Judge is about to roll Kris back into the ring, but it’s gone, as crackhead Tyrone Biggums has sold it for $12. Riley: God damn crackheads! They don’t even suck... Stevens: Whoa! Enough of that... Tyrone runs around excitedly when he’s hit by a pick-up truck, Redneck Jesus Barry Windham riding shotgun and Clayton Bigsby driving. Just as quickly, though, Giant Gonzales throws the truck hella far. Ash Ketchum and Misty run out, and Ash nudges Judge Mental, who to emphasize Ash’s awesomeness, slices open several arteries. Misty pokes Hearford. Normally, this could cause a heart attack, or worse, but Judge gets up and starts shaking the ring ropes (Repo Man having brought back the ring). Misty tries slapping Judge, who just continues to shake the ropes. Ash even goes so far as to punch Hearford, but Will just keeps shaking the damn ropes. He then turns towards Ash and locks him in a gorilla press weaverlock!! Judge drops Ash on a hat pin and turns towards Misty. He simply throws her to Wilson, who, despite being dropped head-first on jagged rocks earlier, has completely healed and takes Misty to his “secret fortress.” Judge hops into the ring, where an elderly Jewish gardener, hired by Wilson, takes down Hearford with some well-placed kung-fu chops! However, the gardener quickly goes down to a bite to the eye from Kraig. Just at that moment, Thug drops down from the rafters, and stabs Kris four times in the legs. Quickly, Gonzales has sex with Thug, making her docile. And then some other stuff happens, some of which involving a goat, some midgets, lots of blood, chicken wire, head drops, and such. Riley: Okay, repeat that again. How are lesbians made? Stevens: Okay, one way is that they have sex with men like Kibagami or Flesher, and they know that there’s no way that it can be topped. Then there’s when they have sex with, or even talk to people like you, something many people who saw all of the Clerks episodes call the Randal Effect, wherein the woman realizes the worthlessness of all males. At least, that’s what Tom Flesher and Kibagami told me. Meanwhile, Silent is drinking. Meanwhile, Gus is walking through some corridors backstage. Gus has lost overness from this segment. Meanwhile, GOdrea runs in and slaps the shit out of the attack monkey with a golden gopher. The golden gopher and the attack monkey brawl off-camera (the entire match can be seen later on Hot Shit Wrestling.) Judge sees this and yells about order in the court, but suddenly his pants fall down and he trips and falls and cracks his skull on the STEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL steps and Kris says “tubular to the maximundo dude!” “Carless" Mark Jindrak fucks a prostitute in the ass, in a totally unrelated segment. Meanwhile, something else happens. BACK TO THE MATCH! Kros says “tubular!” one time too many, which inadvertently summons Mr. Galatea (or maybe G was drunk and got lost on the way to the bar and ended up in Podunk, Egypt HEY FUCK YOU DUDES, THIS IS MY MATCH IT HAPPENS HOW I SAY) and he and Neilsen slap on the… TIGER MCTWAMER GETS ITS OWN PAGE MOTHERFUCKER BOW DOWN BOW DOWN G and Neilsen win, and they go out drinking with Silent and Tom and they all pick up some bitches. Yeah. what The lesson: No-showing sucks, unless you’re Galatea or you were in the Clan. Booyah, word to your moms. (A K/G production. 2003, all rights reserved.) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fire and Knives Report post Posted August 21, 2004 I don't think anybody can argue the literary merits of this. K. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
the.weej 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 (edited) I asked GOdrea and Kibagami to write this, and I remember Judge being so pissed about it. But damn it, commissioning people to write no-show matches is way too much fun, whether you're my friends or not. This is one of the better ones, although it's not quite as memorable as asking Janus to put Ebony into a no-show match for the first time. -Z Edited August 21, 2004 by realitycheck Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Justice 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 I asked GOdrea and Kibagami to write this, and I remember Judge being so pissed about it. But damn it, commissioning people to write no-show matches is way too much fun, whether you're my friends or not. This is one of the better ones, although it's not quite as memorable as asking Janus to put Ebony into a no-show match for the first time. -Z I was pissed because you gave me an extention and then I thought you said "Ah, fuck it" and told them to give you a match. Otherwise, I thought it was okay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sly 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 This is by far the best thing I have ever read. I laughed hysterically the whole way through the match. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
janusd 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 This is one of the better ones, although it's not quite as memorable as asking Janus to put Ebony into a no-show match for the first time. -Z Hey, you offered her Annie and Allison before the former left and the latter went to Tom! How could she resist? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
King Cucaracha 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 {Well, my vote still goes for Supes' uniquie take on Wrathapalooza's Korgath/Tybalt DNS. It's Gold Jerry, GOLD~! Yes...it really is good enough to warrant a cliché that bad.} Funyon: This match is of teh koolz! Axis: Oh I can't wait! My pants are ejaculating! King: So are my shoes! Ominous voice from above: THE CAGE. CAGE CAGE CAGE CAGE OF DEATH DOOM AND TRAMPOLINE FREEDOM CAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!!! Both guyz are in EL RING ready to fight and the bell rings! Korgath waddles around and Minnesota boos him! And Tybalt bites his thumb hard and a pediatrician tells him that biting your nails can lead to ringworms! And everyone laughs! Axis: What is a pediatrician doing on the field? LOL King: ROFLMAO. So Tybalt says "FUCK YOU!" and he punches him THROUGH THE CAGE AND HE FALLS ONTO A BASEBALL AND IMPALES HIMSELF. Crowd: "HOLY COW! HOLY COW! HOLY COW!" So Korgath tries to leap on the trampoline but he's so FAT that he breaks a hole in the TRAMP O-line LOL! So now he's all "I'm wallowing in both mediocrity AND in this trampoline which is slowly conforming to my waist! And Tybalt starts bouncing bouncing bouncing and in the air he does A FULL OMG FULL SEVEN HUNDRED THOUSAND AND TWENTY THREE DEGREE SPLASH BUT HE LANDS RIGHT ON HIS HEAD OMG HE COULD BE DEAD DYING AND DISEASED SOMEONE GET A PEDIATRICIAN ON THE FIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So both men are down and the trampoline isn't even BOUNCING! BUT THEN KORGATH BEGINS TO VIOLENTLY SHAKE AND CONVULSE. HE BEGINS... TO MUTATE. Korgath: G.................. O...................................... R................................................ O............................................................................... .... "GOROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!" Axis: OMG! IT'S GORO! HE JUST MORPHED! King: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! I CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES SO I'M WAVING MY HAND IN FRONT OF MY EYES TO SEE IF I'M IMAGINING THIS BUT I'M NOT AND IT'S REALLY HAPPENINGZ!!!!!!!! GORO CLAWS HIS WAY OUT OF THE CAGE AND BEGINS DOING AN ARMBAR ON TYBALT SINCE GORO BEINGZ SERIOUS TECHNICAL WRESTLERZ~! HE THEN JUMPS UP AND DOES A SHOOOOTING STAR BACKRAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND HE ROARS " GORO TORO MORO BORO GORO OORO GOROOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and in Goro language this means "Happy Birthday Galatea!" So everyone is cheeringz for G0R0 to ESCAPE but he CAN'T because he's TOO BIG!! Random Man That Happens to Work At A Museum: He could be worth MILLIONZ! So they capture G0R0 with a big tranquilizer gun and net him up and carry him away to New Yawk City! *SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM SWIM* RMTHTWAAM: We're in NYC! G0R0 goes up on display! G0R0: GORO OROG ROGO RGOO!!!! (ROAR I'M GOING TO KILL NEW YORK CITY!) So G0R0 KILLS everyone and has SEX WITH THEIR WIVES ANALLY and CLIMBS UP TO THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING! HE SCREAMS!! G0R0: GORO ORGO ORGO ORGO GORO ROOG GROO!!!!!! (Superstar wrote this match and he is superior to EVERYONE!) Then Korgath WAKES UP and he's all "Aww man it was only a dream!" and he goes on his COMPUTER! And something pops up! "Take This Quiz! What Embarrassing SWF/JL Moment Are You?" TYPE TYPE TYPE "You are...No-Showing a Gigantically Large SJL PPV-type Event! People are disappointed, but they still laugh at you since The Superstar gets to type up a hilarious replacement match!" Axis: LOL King: What are we doing here? Axis: Where's my pants lol. THIS MATCH BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE NEWWWWWWWWWW IGNWF WHICH IS 2000000000 TIMES BETTER THAN THE SWF. VISIT THEM ONLY IF U HAVE INSIDER. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hank Kingsley 0 Report post Posted August 21, 2004 hey, I remember that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Vasarian_Brandy 0 Report post Posted August 22, 2004 Heh... I'd be happy to write a DNS match if ever the need arose... Considering I'm still not officially back yet. Hmm. (Needs to get his character sheets from home at his lunch break...) Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
