My Adventures in the Ghetto

[Guest Shoes Head]

23, fresh out of college. I got a brand new job at a computer tech support firm and was sick to death of living at home. My mother is a high-powered workaholic with a taste for the finer things. Steak and scallops regularly for dinner, eating out several times during the week. Wining and dining corporate big shots, luxury cars, big screen television, you name it - we had it.

 

I lived a privileged childhood. I would constantly hear from my lesser-fortunate friends that I was typical suburban white kid. As a matter of fact, at one breakup my ex called me a "stuck up rich boy from the suburbs." I never looked at it like that. I had never felt hardship, but I worked a job when I came home from school and I worked hard for the grades I got. It just so happens the other kids got video games and new sneakers for their birthdays. I got tickets to Europe and a Mazda 626.

 

When you have everything, you realize that money can't buy you happiness...for all the fine wines my mother drank and for all the jewelry various businessmen had bought her, she was miserable. I was determined not to end up like her. My family was falling apart anyway...my father lived abroad in South Africa and my mom was coming off yet another scandalous relationship with a (*yawn*) millionaire...being that I was already ashamed of who I was and where I came from....

 

I packed 5 pair of slacks and dress shirts for work, a few pair of leisure clothes, my books and computer. I traded my Mazda in for a car I could own instead of make payments on (a Civic) and I lived in my car for about a month, taking showers at the gym local to my job. Taking a page out of Coming to America - I took a studio apartment in the most "common" section of my city - North Philadelphia.

 

I changed my cell phone number as to cut my family off for a few months, I was determined to make it on my own in a horrible part of town - for better or for worse. Wherever I would end up, I would do it myself for the first time in my entire life....

 

These are my insights from a little over a year living here:

 

(to be continued...if anyone cares)

[Lt. Al Giardello 0]

IS this true? Or just made up shit?

 

If it's true, I give you alot of props.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

Get a cap busted in yo' azz yet?

 

...or a cock?

[Guest Shoes Head]

Yes this is all true...

 

So, I move into my apartment. Again out of "Coming To America" - I checked it out. It's no larger than my dining room at home. There was a hole in the ceiling which they had simply painted over. The carpet and the bathroom were filthy.

 

"Perfect. I'll take it." They did not run a credit check.

 

I could almost feel the eyes glaring from the peepholes up and down the building. Is it possible to "feel" gossip? I was the only white person not only in the building, but in a 3 block radius. I brought my cat inside and brought up the few belongings I'd had. I made up my mind to sleep on the floor as well. There wasn't a refrigerator in the apartment, so I got a half sized one from Home Depot. I pulled up in my civic with the thing barely hanging on out of the back. The neighbors suspiciously looked me up and down, and watched me lug it up 4 STORIES. NOT ONE PERSON OFFERED TO HELP ME, NOT ONE PERSON EVEN SAID HELLO.

 

The following morning I woke up to the sound of my neighbors beating the SHIT out of their kids.

 

"FUCK YOU, you little bastard. STOP CRYING. I'll beat the SHIT out of you. Is that what you want??" Nice omen. They must have heard me scream too through paper thin walls - as apparently it's silly to ask for hot water that early in the morning. The cockroaches in my bathtub must have thought me an odd visitor as well. I put my trash out in the garbage and got in my car, as I pulled away I saw a junkie shameless rip open the bag and start rooting through it.

 

That night, I didn't bring home a pen and needed one to complete some assignments from work - so I knocked on my next door neighbors door.

"WHO THE FUCK IS IT??!"

"It's me, your neighbor. You mind if I borrow a PEN?!?!"

 

A man opened the door in total disbelief, told me to wait, gave me a pen, and slammed the door in my face. The following morning, the sherrif (NOT Stone Cold Steve Austin) showed up to escort the man out of the building for neglecting to pay his rent for so many months. When I came home from work, the apartment was advertised as "furnished" with that man's furniture still in it from the previous day.

 

I went out to my car to find the windows shattered and the car ransacked. All my CD's were gone and spare change was taken from the ash tray and glove compartment. I called the police, and when asked as to why in the hell I would ever move down here, I told him my plan. He advised me to move back home immediatley.

 

As the months wore on, it was harder and harder to concentrate on work. I wouldn't get very much sleep as the neighbors were always fighting. A common trend was the guy beating the shit out of his bitch, and she would run out of the building screaming. The next day she would decline to press charges and they'd be back together. Their children literally played in the street.

 

Finally, my boss called me on my cellphone to let me know that they were concerned about me. I was withdrawing from my coworkers and I was coming into work late almost every day. Finally, the straw which broke the camel's back, I came into work on a Saturday, missed the following Monday and fell asleep on the phone with a client. They told me I just "wasn't a very good fit" in the workplace and they fired me.

 

Frustrated, angry...but undeterred. I felt a feeling I had totally not expected to find. Apathy.

 

(to be continued)

[Hank Kingsley 0]

This is crazy and good.

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

Incorrect, this is not crazy nor good. Just a desperate attempt at gaining classics cred, but the story is lacking any oomph. Makes me think of a movie from like 1989 starring Demi Moore or some shit.

[Hank Kingsley 0]

I disagree. It's like R. Kelly urinating on a 12-year-old girl while singing "I Believe I Can Fly". It shouldn't be good, but somehow, it is.

[Corey_Lazarus 0]

If he turns into a Patrick Bateman of the ghetto, I will honor and cherish this man until his death next week.

[GreatWhiteNope 0]

I'll refrain from calling bullshit - this is quite compelling.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Cry me a fucking river. I live in the suburbs and am damn proud of it.

 

Hope you don't get gaffled in the McDonald's drive-thru.

 

N*gga git yo' mother fuckin' food, leave it in the car and n*gga git out. Str8 jackin'...

[justsoyouknow 0]

Rich white kid learns a lesson from the poor black people when he moves out of his large suburban paradise and moves in to their part of town?

 

I liked this story when it was called "Malibu's Most Wanted".

[Guest Vitamin X]

I liked this story when it was called "Malibu's Most Wanted".

You actually liked that??

[Art Sandusky 0]

A 626? And you said your family had money.

 

Joking aside, I wouldn't have gone that far down the socioeconomic ladder in order to learn a lesson. Move to some nondescript lower-middle class neighborhood. And where is all this taking place?

[Guest Nanks]

You have a computer in this apartment?? That seems difficult to believe.

[Guest ian.]

Meh, I'm not going to pick it apart, rather just read it and try to enjoy it.

 

With that said, I liked the first two installments.

[Highland 0]

I called the police, and when asked as to why in the hell I would ever move down here, I told him my plan. He advised me to move back home immediatley.

 

Good advice. Heed it.

[NoCalMike 0]

If you really wanted to do something useful. Keep funneling money from your parents and give it to charity or something, that way at least your principles are sort of kept.

 

If your parents work for their money, then there is no reason to be ashamed of having wealth.

 

This story sounds as legit as the episode of MTV's "Rich Girls" where one of the girls has a revelation about spending $200 for shoes, and how if they can waste that amount of money on that, they can certainly be donating more money to better causes.

 

 

Look, don't get me wrong, everyone gets callings in life to go out and make it on their own, but I think your approach may be a bit drastic.

[Nighthawk 0]

You honestly expect me to read that much?

[Slayer 0]

Nice try, ShoesHeadmvp

[Skywarp! 0]

Ignore what people are saying Shoes Head; this is a great read. The people bashing you are just trying to shake off their own guilt of the random chance of being born into a comfortable situation.

 

And I like what you're doing. Too many of us white, privaleged people take our comfort for granted. Most of us don't have to worry about when the electric goes out and no one comes to fix it for 5 days, or not having hot water or a working stove. By gaining perspective, you'll never take anything you've been handed just from the luck of being born white and upper class, again.

 

Your experiment is more than I can hack, I'll tell you that. My girlfriend is a social worker though, so she sees these kind of enviornments firsthand.

 

Looking forward to the next installment...

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

you people want stories, I'll tell you some goddamn stories...

[Guest Shoes Head]

-Interlude- The Old Lady In The Building

 

I don't have to worry about money much anymoreand I'll talk about that later. This story just came to closure this morning, so I ought to tell it while it's still fresh in my head. One day when I was coming home from a 12 hour day at work, I was so exhausted I was really using the rail to pull myself up the stairs. On the outside porch there was an old black woman who remarked "You always look so tired when I see you, but you always look very neat though." We got to joking around a bit, and I welcomed the conversation. This was the first person in the building who ever said hello to me.

 

She remarked that I must be an executive or something (because obviously, anyone who wears DKNY dress shirts is an executive, right?). I said jokingly that I had a spot for her in my company to open the door to the next set of stairs for me, and I'd pay her. She opened the door, and I said that I was awaiting my next big corporate takeover, so the check would be delayed. We both laughed and said good night. It turned into a regular joke of "Where's my money, sir?" whenever she saw me. Little did I know how real that question would become.

 

When I lost my job I was a little embarrassed of being at home all day that I didn't want to leave the house at first. That is, until I realized that THERE SEEMED TO BE MORE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING DURING THE DAY THAN AT NIGHT. *NOBODY* IN THIS BUILDING WORKS APPARENTLY. I would get up, go get some breakfast at IHOP at 10am, come back, there's a domino game on the porch. Come back out at 1 to go to the gym, there's a domino game, same people. 3pm dominoes. 5pm dominoes. All night....dominoes. 18-30 year old men sitting around playing cards and dominoes smoking plenty weed and drinking. The kids on summer vacation spent their time playing in the street, or sitting around getting engulfed in marijuana clouds on the porch.

 

Anyway, the lady was sitting on the porch covered in sweat one day, and I asked what was wrong. She said that a pipeline had broken and was dumping sewage behind the wall in her apartment. All her rooms were swamped with gnats and she was laying traps and moving things around her apartment. I had an ice cream popsicle I was eating, and she asked if I had another. It just so happened that I bought two and gave her one.

 

She knocked on my door a little later in the day to sit down and talk a bit. She gave me a long, sad story about how the landlord just let the pipe stay broken and more and more gnats would pour into her apartment. We shared some chicken wings and she left. The next week she knocked on my door and told me she was being evicted and this "slumlord" was just going to give this sewer-apartment to someone who wouldn't complain. She broke into tears, asked me for a few bucks for a cheesesteak, and left. A week after that, she came to me and asked for another 10 dollars to consult a lawyer (10 dollar LAWYER?!?) about her situation...which I gave her. I talked to the maintenance man on her behalf as to why they weren't fixing the pipe and the truth came out.

 

This old woman wasn't very old at all, she was just a crack addict and looked the part. She hadn't payed her rent for 2 months prior and was being evicted for that. The sewage pipeline was a problem, and they assured me that they would fix it - when all her stuff was moved out of the apartment when they could move a paying tenant in. It was really my first time dealing with anything like this...and I didn't know who to believe although it was becoming more and more clear. Late at night she would buzz me and ask me for some money. She would knock on my door to use my cellphone and dial a hundred numbers. She would ask me for money for a snack since she had "gotten fired because she had a broken foot" - I would say we could go out to the bodega down the street, but she'd refuse and just want the money. Finally I just told her...

"You know...the landlord didn't just wake up this morning, brush his teeth, and decide to put you out. You had to have done something. Have you always paid your rent on time?"

 

She said that she and the landlord "Had and agreement" that she didn't "have to pay her rent as long as she kept the building clean" and now since her foot was "broken" she couldn't keep it clean. She kept stalling on moving out. And stalling. She said she had no place to keep her furniture, so the landlord offered to keep it in temporary storage for 30 days (with witnesses to the inventory - including myself). She said that she didn't have the strength to move the shit. I volunteered to help her move it. She said no that's not neccesary. The landlord was suing her for the back rent she owed and evicting her. However, he couldn't escort her out with the sheriff until after their court date.

 

This woman totally disgusted me in every way at this point for being a moocher, a liar, a drug addict and a general lowlife. It was a smart move on the part of the landlord to let her marinate in sewage as far as I was concerned, because then she would be encouraged to move out quicker. There really wasn't any reason for her to live there anymore. She was so behind on her rent she couldn't possibly win.

 

Then, he made a really dumb move. Neighbors were complaining about how bad it stank and she kept stalling and stalling and stalling - so he hired a friend of his to impersonate an officer and falsely serve her an unsealed court order to leave immediately. It takes one lowlife to know another and this called his bluff. This morning was their court date, and she was screaming and hollering all sorts of holy tongues and falling and passing out...she had won!

 

She was talking about how she brought the piece of paper out in court and the landlord immediately jumped up and said "I would like to dismiss my complaint without prejudice." So now she doesn't have to pay any back rent, although the mediator said she still must leave in 7 days.

 

"PRAISE GOD THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED. GOD IS THE GREATEST. HE THOUGHT HE WAS SOO GREAT BUT THE ALMIGHTY IS GREATER!! VICTORY VICTORY VICTORY!! THE SLUMLORD THOUGHT HE WAS SO SLICK, BUT GOD IS BEHIND ME. HE KNOWS MY SORROW!!"

 

She was dancing in the street along with the other neighbors. 20 minutes before I started to write this, she rang my buzzer, hugged me, told me to come outside and celebrate......

 

 

....and then asked me for 5 dollars to "get her phone turned back on." Sickening.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

you people want stories, I'll tell you some goddamn stories...

Please, start telling...

[Nighthawk 0]

I lived in South Central for a while. That's the best ghetto in the world, except maybe Harlem, or East St. Louis, both of which I've been to. Instant street cred.

[Guest Vitamin X]

When I lost my job I was a little embarrassed of being at home all day that I didn't want to leave the house at first. That is, until I realized that THERE SEEMED TO BE MORE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING DURING THE DAY THAN AT NIGHT. *NOBODY* IN THIS BUILDING WORKS APPARENTLY. I would get up, go get some breakfast at IHOP at 10am, come back, there's a domino game on the porch. Come back out at 1 to go to the gym, there's a domino game, same people. 3pm dominoes. 5pm dominoes. All night....dominoes. 18-30 year old men sitting around playing cards and dominoes smoking plenty weed and drinking. The kids on summer vacation spent their time playing in the street, or sitting around getting engulfed in marijuana clouds on the porch.

This is EXACTLY life in Little Havana. I mean, absolutely EXACTLY. Except with most likely a bit more diverse culture, you'd have not just blacks, but Cubans and other hispanics around. Not a lot of whites (in fact I've never seen any) around there. Then again, not a lot of whites anywhere in Miami except for Downtown or Kendall (Miami Beach doesn't count because it's another city).

[Guest El Satanico]

I lived in South Central for a while. That's the best ghetto in the world, except maybe Harlem, or East St. Louis, both of which I've been to. Instant street cred.

City of God in Brazil makes those look like Utah. And yes the City of God movie is about this.

 

 

 

This story reminds me of the song "Holiday in Cambodia"

[Shooting Star 0]

-Interlude- The Old Lady In The Building

 

I don't have to worry about money much anymoreand I'll talk about that later. This story just came to closure this morning, so I ought to tell it while it's still fresh in my head. One day when I was coming home from a 12 hour day at work, I was so exhausted I was really using the rail to pull myself up the stairs. On the outside porch there was an old black woman who remarked "You always look so tired when I see you, but you always look very neat though." We got to joking around a bit, and I welcomed the conversation. This was the first person in the building who ever said hello to me.

 

She remarked that I must be an executive or something (because obviously, anyone who wears DKNY dress shirts is an executive, right?). I said jokingly that I had a spot for her in my company to open the door to the next set of stairs for me, and I'd pay her. She opened the door, and I said that I was awaiting my next big corporate takeover, so the check would be delayed. We both laughed and said good night. It turned into a regular joke of "Where's my money, sir?" whenever she saw me. Little did I know how real that question would become.

 

When I lost my job I was a little embarrassed of being at home all day that I didn't want to leave the house at first. That is, until I realized that THERE SEEMED TO BE MORE PEOPLE IN THE BUILDING DURING THE DAY THAN AT NIGHT. *NOBODY* IN THIS BUILDING WORKS APPARENTLY. I would get up, go get some breakfast at IHOP at 10am, come back, there's a domino game on the porch. Come back out at 1 to go to the gym, there's a domino game, same people. 3pm dominoes. 5pm dominoes. All night....dominoes. 18-30 year old men sitting around playing cards and dominoes smoking plenty weed and drinking. The kids on summer vacation spent their time playing in the street, or sitting around getting engulfed in marijuana clouds on the porch.

 

Anyway, the lady was sitting on the porch covered in sweat one day, and I asked what was wrong. She said that a pipeline had broken and was dumping sewage behind the wall in her apartment. All her rooms were swamped with gnats and she was laying traps and moving things around her apartment. I had an ice cream popsicle I was eating, and she asked if I had another. It just so happened that I bought two and gave her one.

 

She knocked on my door a little later in the day to sit down and talk a bit. She gave me a long, sad story about how the landlord just let the pipe stay broken and more and more gnats would pour into her apartment. We shared some chicken wings and she left. The next week she knocked on my door and told me she was being evicted and this "slumlord" was just going to give this sewer-apartment to someone who wouldn't complain. She broke into tears, asked me for a few bucks for a cheesesteak, and left. A week after that, she came to me and asked for another 10 dollars to consult a lawyer (10 dollar LAWYER?!?) about her situation...which I gave her. I talked to the maintenance man on her behalf as to why they weren't fixing the pipe and the truth came out.

 

This old woman wasn't very old at all, she was just a crack addict and looked the part. She hadn't payed her rent for 2 months prior and was being evicted for that. The sewage pipeline was a problem, and they assured me that they would fix it - when all her stuff was moved out of the apartment when they could move a paying tenant in. It was really my first time dealing with anything like this...and I didn't know who to believe although it was becoming more and more clear. Late at night she would buzz me and ask me for some money. She would knock on my door to use my cellphone and dial a hundred numbers. She would ask me for money for a snack since she had "gotten fired because she had a broken foot" - I would say we could go out to the bodega down the street, but she'd refuse and just want the money. Finally I just told her...

"You know...the landlord didn't just wake up this morning, brush his teeth, and decide to put you out. You had to have done something. Have you always paid your rent on time?"

 

She said that she and the landlord "Had and agreement" that she didn't "have to pay her rent as long as she kept the building clean" and now since her foot was "broken" she couldn't keep it clean. She kept stalling on moving out. And stalling. She said she had no place to keep her furniture, so the landlord offered to keep it in temporary storage for 30 days (with witnesses to the inventory - including myself). She said that she didn't have the strength to move the shit. I volunteered to help her move it. She said no that's not neccesary. The landlord was suing her for the back rent she owed and evicting her. However, he couldn't escort her out with the sheriff until after their court date.

 

This woman totally disgusted me in every way at this point for being a moocher, a liar, a drug addict and a general lowlife. It was a smart move on the part of the landlord to let her marinate in sewage as far as I was concerned, because then she would be encouraged to move out quicker. There really wasn't any reason for her to live there anymore. She was so behind on her rent she couldn't possibly win.

 

Then, he made a really dumb move. Neighbors were complaining about how bad it stank and she kept stalling and stalling and stalling - so he hired a friend of his to impersonate an officer and falsely serve her an unsealed court order to leave immediately. It takes one lowlife to know another and this called his bluff. This morning was their court date, and she was screaming and hollering all sorts of holy tongues and falling and passing out...she had won!

 

She was talking about how she brought the piece of paper out in court and the landlord immediately jumped up and said "I would like to dismiss my complaint without prejudice." So now she doesn't have to pay any back rent, although the mediator said she still must leave in 7 days.

 

"PRAISE GOD THE EVIL HAS BEEN DEFEATED. GOD IS THE GREATEST. HE THOUGHT HE WAS SOO GREAT BUT THE ALMIGHTY IS GREATER!! VICTORY VICTORY VICTORY!! THE SLUMLORD THOUGHT HE WAS SO SLICK, BUT GOD IS BEHIND ME. HE KNOWS MY SORROW!!"

 

She was dancing in the street along with the other neighbors. 20 minutes before I started to write this, she rang my buzzer, hugged me, told me to come outside and celebrate......

 

 

....and then asked me for 5 dollars to "get her phone turned back on." Sickening.

Oh damn i thought this story would end in you getting some ghetto booty.

[BX 0]

"And after I gave her five dollars, I went back into my shitty dining room sized studio apartment in the ghetto, with the hole in the roof that has merely been painted over (like some kind of fucking cartoon), and sat down at my computer to tell you guys about this."

 

I call bullshit.

[Stephen Joseph 0]

bring back rawmvp

[Your Paragon of Virtue 0]

Of course no one is going to bother trying to help you or talk to you. They wouldn't want you to think that they were homosexuals you Goddamned prick.