JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 We need more Stewie one-liners Not really a one-liner, but one of my favorite lines is what he says to Chris when he's giving Stewie ice cream. Stewie: And no sprinkles! For every sprinkle I find...I shall kill you. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Joshua A. Norton Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Girl: You are the weakest link. Goodbye! Stewie: Oh gosh that's funny. That's really funny. Do you write your own material? Do you? Because that is so fresh. "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" I've never heard anyone make that joke before. Mmm. You're the first. I've never heard anyone reference, um reference that outside the program before. Because that's what she says on the show, right? "You are the weakest link, Goodbye!" And yet you've taken that, and used it out of context, to insult me in this everyday situation. Gosh, what a clever, smart girl you must be, to come up with a joke like that by your self. Mmm. That's so fresh, too. Any Titanic jokes you want to throw at me while we're hitting these phenomena at the height of their popularity? Because I'm right here. God you're so funny! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
GreatWhiteNope 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Chris: I'm not good around girls, that's why I ran away the other day. Sam: Well, you had no problem talking to me when I was a boy - so just pretend I'm a boy again! Chris: Ok. Sam: Wanna go make-out down by the river? Chris: Yes sir! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different. Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankles behind your ears that would ring a few bells... Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up." Stewie's Letter: Dear stupid dog, I've gone to live with the children on jolly farm. Good bye forever. Stewie. P.S. I never got a chance to return that sweater Lois gave me for Christmas. Umm, I left the receipt on top of my bureau. I'm probably over the thirty day return limit but umm… I'm sure if you make a fuss they'll at least give you a store credit or something. Umm.. It's actually not a horrible sweater. It's... It's just I can't imagine when I would ever wear it you know? Oh I also left a button on the bureau. I'm not sure what it goes to, but I can never bring myself to throw a button away. I know that as soon as I do I'll find the garment it goes to and then it'll… Wait a minute, could it be from the sweater? Did that sweater have buttons? Hmm… Well I should wrap this up before I start to ramble. Again, goodbye forever. P.P.S. You know, it might be a little chilly in London, I'm actually going to take the sweater. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 A Quaqmire classic... Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute. Quagmire: Fifty bucks. Auctioner: She had nine STDs. Quagmire: Forty-five bucks. Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself. Quagmire: Fifty bucks. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
packwingfn 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Brian: Oh my god, their eating asian reporter Trisha Towinow. Peter: Thats crazy, their just gonna be hungry in an hour. From my Favorite Episode: "Da Boom" (so whenever I eat chinese food I now, I think of that quote) Chris: Dad, what's the blow-hole for? Peter: I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to Sea World. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest CronoT Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: I've been saving a surprise for you, a pony. (peter opens closet, and sees a pony skeleton) Peter: Oh yeah, ponies, ponies like food. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ted the Poster 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: "I'd say 'Come again?', and then I'd laugh because I said come.." Diane Simmons: "Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case." Tom Tucker: "Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane?" My favorite Stewie quote ever: "And yea, God said to Abraham 'You shall kill your son Isaac. And Abraham said 'I'm sorry, I can't hear you- you'll have to speak into the microphone.' And God said "Oh I'm sorry, is this better? Check, check, check. Jerry, pull the high end out; I'm still getting some hiss back here.'" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
AndrewTS 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 http://www.familyguyquotes.com/ Peter: The deep south? Isn't that the place where the black guys are really lazy and all the white guys are just as lazy but they're mad at the black guys for being so lazy? Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate. Peter: What the hell does RANT mean? Peter: Gays don't vomit. They're a very clean people. And they have been ever since they came to this country from France. Lois: Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk! Peter: Now that's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk! Stewie: Ooh, Lois, someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside. Stewie: You know, I rather like this God fellow. Very theatrical, you know. Pestilence here, a plague there. Omnipotence ... gotta get me some of that. Stewie: You know, mother, this could almost have passed for a palatable banana pudding, but without Nilla wafers it's just another one of your wretched culinary abortions. Now clean it up! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TSA09 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Brian: Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs. Meg & Peter: *gasp* Brian: Too soon? Peter: Just don't forget our deal, Lois. I sit through this and later tonight I get anal. You hear me? No matter how neat I want the house you have to clean it. Lois: Good, I don't have to cook. Peter: Oh, no, go ahead and cook anyway, Lois, and we'll throw it out. I don't want you to get rusty. Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you. Peter: Well, y'know, it's a little warm in here ... Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel." Peter: It doesn't get much gayer than this. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Special K 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Hey, hey, when you park that thing in your garage, does your, does your garage say 'is it in yet'? Peter: Uhhhhh- Shazam! Quagmire: Hey, how old are you? Girl: 15. Quagmire: 18? I like how you think! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Hank Kingsley 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Excuse me, is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you - very homosexually. Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill? Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible. Peter: Wrong, the ugly one! Lois: Oh, look, Meg, it's your little baby booties. Oh, and your little bronze hat. And your tail. Meg: My what? Lois: Nothing. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedHermit 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Lois: Peter, what did you promise me last night? Peter: That I wouldn't drink at the stag party. Lois: And what did you do? Peter: Drank at the stag pa -... Whoa! I almost walked right into that one. Peter: Look Lois, the two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a fat white guy who is threatened by change. Doctor : Mr. Griffin I'm saying you're fine. Peter: Now what? Are you coming on to me? Lois: Peter, he's not coming on to you. He's trying to tell you you're healthy. Doctor : ...Can't it be both? German Tour Guide: You vill find more on Germany's contributions to ze arts in ze pamphlets ve have provided. Brian: Yeah, about your pamphlet... uh, I'm not seeing anything about German history between 1939 and 1945. There's just a big gap. Tour guide: Everyone vas on vacation. On your left is Munich's first city hall, erected in 15... Brian: Wait, what are you talking about? Germany invaded Poland in 1939 and... Tour Guide: We were invited. Punch vas served. Check vit Poland. Brian: You can't just ignore those years. Thomas Mann fled to America because of Nazism's stranglehold on Germany. Tour guide: Nope, nope. He left to manage a Dairy Queen. Brian: A Dairy Queen? That's preposterous. Tour guide: I vill hear no more insinuations about the German people. Nothing bad happened. Sie werden sich hinsetzen. Sie werden ruhig sein. Sie werden nicht beleidigen Deutschland. (You will sit down. You will shut up. You will not insult Germany.) [throws his hand up in a Hitler salute] Brian: ...uh, is that a beer hall? Tour guide: Oh yes, Munich is renowned for its historic beer halls. [Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration] Peter: Uh... my name is... [he sees a pea] Pea... [he sees a woman crying] ... tear... [he sees a Griffin fly by] ... Griffin. Peter Griffin. Ahh crap. Quagmire: Don't look at me like that. Fat chicks need love too... but they got to pay. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Joshua A. Norton Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West? Adam West: How do you know my language? Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma. Mayor: Oh My. Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that Toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove? Mayor: I was trying to gain super powers. Doctor: Well that's just silly. Mayor: Silly yes ... Idiotic ... yes.! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
razazteca 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Anybody watch Adult Swim yesterday? When it was showing the ratings for the previous week Family Guy was on top with 600,000 viewers...... then the bumper said Peter is a Hoss. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Meg: Mayor West, can I have an interview with you? Adam West: You can't interview a dead man! [He jumps out the window.] Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
The Metal Maniac 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 "18? You're first!" "Mom!" "I like where this is going!" "Hey, does this look like a Q to you?" "No." "How about now?" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
therealworldschampion 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 *Stewie trying to work a phone* "Now how do you work one of these things?? Hmm.....8-6-7-5-3-0-9......damn you Tommy Tutone!!!" Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brett Favre 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 This one is great if the last line is said correctly. Doctor: Mayor West, you have Lymphoma. Mayor: Oh My. Doctor: Probably from rolling around in that Toxic waste. What in God's name were you trying to prove? Mayor: I was trying to gain super powers. Doctor: Well that's just silly. Mayor: Silly yes ... Idiotic ... yes.! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Just John 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Since when did they change the meaning of the word "for" to "from?" Brian: Well, they had a big meeting about it, but when you got your invitation and it said FOR Peter, you thought that it meant FROM Peter... and... You know, it's just easier to call you stupid. (After Peter reads his version of the Christmas play opening) Man 1: This is blasphemous! He can't do this! Man 2: There's nothing you can do. Man 1: Oh, I guess I'll have to get a sense of humor then. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tawren 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Male News Announcer: Peter Griffin, a self-described "hugonaut"...I don't know what that means. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Peter: Well, I'm gettin' something really special too. And by special I don't mean special like that Kleinaman boy down the street. More special like... like Special K, the cereal. Hey, what do they do with the regular K? And for that matter, what ever happend to K. Ballard? You know, if you said mallard and you had a cold, it would sound like ballard. Brian: Do you listen to yourself when you talk? Peter: I drift in and out. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LoRisk 0 Report post Posted September 27, 2004 Eliza: Awwwww, look at the lit-ALL BABY! Stewie (spits out juice): GAH! What the devil is that GHASTLY noise? Eliza: It's me, Eliza Pinchkey! You want a flower, lit-ALL BABY? Stewie: Excuse me, what I think you mean to say is..."Would I like a flower". Heavens, you don't so much speak the language as you do chew on it and spit it out. Eliza: Gahhh...wot's wrong with the way I tolk? Stewie: Puh..EVERYTHING. Now here's a shiny sixpence if you keep your mouth shut and go away. *flicks coin, Eliza bends over, Stewie looks* Eh. *goes back to his juice box* ------------------------------- Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat but you're a total bitch. ------------------------------- Stewie: It's not so much that I want to...KILL her...it's just that...I don't want her to be alive...anymore. I...I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult, then I think to myself...by God...wouldn't it be MARVELOUS if I turned out to be a homosexual? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JoeDirt 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 Adam West: I love this job more than I love taffy ... and I'm a man who enjoys his taffy. ====== Diane Simmons: Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous closet-case. Tom Tucker: Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch. Diane. ====== Tom Tucker: Now let's go to Greg The Weather Mime. OK... it's going to be cold... lots of wind... and it looks like parents are going to throw human fecal matter from the rooftops onto their children ... oh, GOD. That's awful. No wait, it looks like rain. Yes, rain. ====== Meg: I just want to kill myself...I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts. (Lois and Peter stare in silence) Meg: I'm alergic to peanuts. (Peter and Lois keep staring) Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs) Peter: Who was that guy? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest JMA Report post Posted September 28, 2004 Peter: Hey, is the Count a vampire? Brian: What's that? Peter: Have they ever shown him doing somebody in and then feeding on him? Brian: You're asking if they've ever done a Sesame Street in which the Count kills somebody and then sucks their blood for sustenance? Peter: Yeah. Brian: No, they've never done that. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ced 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 Brian: You're back from Manila. You had lumpia for dinner. And you made love to two Filipino women...and a man. Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women... I mark for any Filipino references on TV, even though most of them are whore jokes. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Boner Kawanger 0 Report post Posted September 28, 2004 A guy trying to con Peter licks his finger, touches him, and makes a "sizzle" sound. Peter: No! Hot! HOT! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Real F'n Show Report post Posted September 28, 2004 "Vagina Junction, what's your function? Takin' in sperm and spittin' out babies" Black Knight: Hey! What's your fat ass doing here? Man on obese donkey: He's my only means of conveyance, but I suppose I do spoil him... (paraphrasing...) Doctor: Rudolph, I'm afraid I have some bad news... Rudolph: Is it some happy bad news, full of Christmas Joy? Doctor: No, we finally figured out why your nose has been glowing. Rudolph: Is it because I'm full of happiness and Christmas joy? Doctor: No, you have a tumor. Rudolph: Is it a happy tumor tha- Doctor: You're going to die. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Fook Report post Posted September 29, 2004 Peter: Heh heh...duty. Heh heh...diarrhea. Hey Lois - Diarrhea! Lois: (laughs) Peter! I'm holding iced tea! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
