Smarkdown comments

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

Was Pete supposed to be back doing PBP for this show? I thought he was given an indefinite leave of absence?

[chirs3 0]

Wildchild had to go and beat me to it by, like, 13 minutes, so I'll post in his infinitely superior comments thread.

 

1. Holy hell, you people promo'd a lot tonight. Excellent work.

 

2. I'm not sure who I like more as a team - Jimmy and Manson, or Bruce and Amy... FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

 

3. Be sure to check back in for the two missing promos... I'm told they will be... informative...

 

The card will go up tomorrow morning. My apologies.

[Bruce Blank 0]

2. I'm not sure who I like more as a team - Jimmy and Manson, or Bruce and Amy... FIGHT TO THE DEATH.

Throw in Madix/King and Tables, Ladders and Chairs and we'll be happy to oblige ya'll *thumbs up*

 

The no show for the tag match was disappointing - I guess "someone's" comments about not having an active partner was proven wrong - cause they BOTH had an inactive partner

 

Loads of promos and some good matches, didn't have quite the same "big show" as last week but it's definitly a build to "From the Fire" (and in a good way)

 

More detailed comments to come later on when I get the time to read it in detail.

 

Can I just say

 

Landon getting laid? Could be just what the kid needs *thumbs up* I guess he'll prove if sex actually does improve your performance

[King Cucaracha 0]

The fact that I'm an Englishman and can't write English accents properly is still pretty darned depressing, so kudos to Toxxic for editing my promo up a touch. They'll be more tonight folks! When I do love angles that nobody cares about, I go all the way with them damnit!

[janusd 0]

Apologies to Akira/Cross, I went to bed early and was typically annoyed over the seeming doublenoshow. So I just woke up and found your match in my inbox. Baaaaah.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Well I’ve had time to read, laugh, cry and mark out so let’s comment!!

 

And please note none of this is meant as a put down or hostility, mainly me going “I would have done that differently” than anything else.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

JJ Promo – “To be edited in when the promo is edited in”

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Straight to the opening match of WC against Hawke’s tag-team partner in the lottery tournament Arch Griffon, nice bit of “taking the storyline into consideration” booking even if Hawke & Griffon aren’t regular partners and all.

 

I think the Hardy addition is understandable – erm… Pete was in the bathroom, yeah that’s it

 

It’s a shame that there Griffon/Hawke rivalry wasn’t really reflected upon in the “pre-match” hype by Hardy & King IMO.

 

In the classic “speed” vs “power” match up speed seems to really have the advantage through more or less all of the opening segment – it’s not until Hawke & his partner “Clip Board” walks out to observe that Arch gets the advantage, not through strength but through distraction.

 

Hmmm after being pummeled against ring posts and barricades WC punches his way out and then shows no slowing down as he bounces off the ropes (and is taken down by Arch) – he’s a resilient little Bahama-mama isn’t he?

 

The commercial break was really weird, I guess it’s to give it a sense of realism but then again each segment on the show tends to start with “returning from a commercial break” – Peters must be raking it in hand over fist *thumbs up*

 

A small man outpunching a big power house never made sense to me when I saw it on TV and well it doesn’t really here either, but it does build into a pretty good sequence where WC finally knocks Arch down (Finally? Didn’t he do it earlier in the match?)

 

Nice touch by having Hawke save Arch – not because he cares about him but because it screws with WC

 

One blocked/botched Superplex later and WC takes the win over the big man.

 

Man if you were a TV viewer you saw: WC use the speed to get initial control, Griffon gets a move in before the break, the submission after the break which is extended to the point where you’d actually worry a bit about Arch and then WC comes back and generally stays in charge with no ill effects of the beating until he wins.

 

The “Commercial break” placement made Arch look like he hardly got any offence in at all.

 

It was a styles clash between “small & fast” and “big & strong” and to me it felt like WC didn’t handle the “big and strong” style that well.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Bruce & Amy – nutcrackin’ good fun

 

I won’t comment on stuff I’ve had a hand in (Although Mike wrote the whole thing save a small edit or 2)

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

And it’s now time for the latest experiment in reviving the tag-team division – the Lethal Lottery. Jimmy & Manson take on Ghost Machine & Matt Myers.

 

Ah Manson – never met a druid he didn’t punch those poor guys take abuse in every single match, I just hope Doomtopia provides medical coverage (but I doubt it)

 

This weeks Matt Myers’ gimmick: Neo – hmmm I’m on the fence initially so I’ll just see where the match takes the gimmick choice.

 

Quick “pussy tag” by Myers, that’s no way for the savior of the Matrix to act now is it? Someone should slap him for that… oh wait Ghost Machine did, good boy. Manson is soon replaced by Jimmy and the two of them go back and forth with no one really having the advantage for quite a bit.

 

Tag to Myers who quickly gets a 450 splash in and a pinfall… well it would have been if Manson hadn’t broken it up, nice bit of team work on their part, a little touch that makes the two seem like they’re on the same page.

 

Man Jimmy sure plays a mean pinball.. erm I mean punches a mean right hand, knocked the pussy Neo out.

 

Strike that – it wasn’t that bad, Myers is pretty bouncy after taking the shot, my mistake. Ghost Machine is tagged and he beats up Myers? Well we all want to do it, but an all out fight between tag-team partners? And then it would seem that both men are allowed in the ring for an extended time without a count or anything – Herve is a crappy referee I tells ya!

 

Myers leaves but is tagged in – repeatedly it would seem, I guess Ghost Machine wants to make sure the tag is seen by the official. And wouldn’t you know it – after a couple of close calls Myers jobs like he was a jobber paid to job… our Matt Myers? Perish the though

 

Line of the match “JESUS CHRIST MY FUCKING NOSE”

 

Not a bad tag match at all and with comedy spots thrown in without dominating the match, but selling was almost a rarity here. Still they were heads and shoulders (and Wash’N’Go) over the next match.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

That didn’t happen as FOUR people manage to no show – 2 of which are building a team and one of the others bitched about being forgotten by the creative team only to not do a damn thing since.

 

*** Late Note: it seems the Asian Underground DID show *thumbs up* ***

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

And here comes the next Lethal Lottery match with Bruce out first.

 

BUT WAIT *SCREETCH!!*

 

Insane Luchador isn’t too happy with Bruce being all dismissing and disinterested and just has to come out for a chat.

 

I’m not going to comment on something I co-wrote.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Now we get the match (and yes Laberinto was well aware of the pre-match promo so he could write the match intros right)

 

Bruce & Amy wins without killing each other

 

What else can I say?

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

And then in yet another Bruce segment the two seemingly mismatched people find some common ground – ass kicking and beer drinking.

 

Hey Demolition only had “Ass kicking” in common and see how they turned out

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Jimmy the Doom: Doomtopian history lesson number the twice.

 

I read it and laughed – without knowing what the heck that was all about, now that’s a sign of pure comedy the Doomtopian butchering of the English language is brilliant

 

I didn’t expect the Doomtopian Inquisition

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Spike / Zyon – the Mini Powers are on the verge of exploding!!

 

Spike has asked for a chance to fight for the CW title, he just has to beat Laberinto – which I think is doable (Although with the federation being 95% CWs I can’t believe Laberinto would be considered a contender for the title – but for the purpose of the angle it makes sense)

 

Zyon still clings to their friendship – the fool!

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Hawke Hogan is up next Brother as he takes on Todd Cortez

 

Quick pinning segment early on shades of classic Bret Hart matches and that’s NOT a bad thing. But man that pinfall attempts thing goes on for quite a while, EIGHT TIMES before there really is enough action to make anyone think the match was over

 

And then 3 more tiles before repeating the “breaking the illegal move at 4” FIVE times – man I thought it was a copy & paste error there for a second, a copy & paste error there for a second.

 

I’m not quite sure just how Cortez countered the wingspan here

 

”He goes for the Wing Span, locking the chickenwing but not quite locking his hands on the crossface attempt. As Hawke makes one last grasp at locking the hold in, Cortez shifts his weight, runs forward, and drives Hawke’s face into the top turnbuckle, completely releasing Jay Hawke’s grip on the hold and bringing the capacity crowd to its feet.”

 

Did Cortez dive forward between the ropes so that the guy behind him hit the turnbuckle? I had to re-read it 3 times before I realize that it didn’t say. And after being worked over for 5 minutes Cortez comes out with European uppercuts?

 

First time in a Hawke match where I’ve gone at that.

 

First time in a long time I’ve seen the “time limit” announcement in a match.

 

Now I may not be the biggest expert on moves – but a Victory Roll isn’t that executed off someone’s shoulders? Like Bret Vs Owen at WMX or Bret beating Bam Bam at King of the ring? Or is it just the name for any move where you roll forward and end up sitting on your opponents chest like in this match?

 

The last few minutes just fly by, building to what looks like a time limit draw – SWERVE!! Hawke gets a win with tights and a rope to help him before the time runs out. Had me going for a moment.

 

Good solid match from Hawke with just a few nitpicky comments.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

JJ does a promo part 2 – “Edited in later”

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Finally we’re at the main event! The big match, the one we all came to see

 

The return of ????

 

Oh yeah!!

 

Zyon & Spike are out first, it’s only polite to let the “???” come out last after all – and Zyon & Spike were raised right as you all well know, Fury comes out and looks… well thrilled isn’t the word

 

Then “Paint it Black” signals the return of Mistress Sarah – who surprised me by NOT being a manager as her stats said, but honestly I think we can all live with that

 

I have no idea who Mistress Sarah is, I know her name from the title histories and the CF matches but I personally have no idea what level she really moved at – so I don’t know if the rather short “return intro” was justified

 

It just seemed that it should be a BIG SELLING POINT in the pre-match antics yet Spike & Zyon’s entrances and all got more coverage and details and all, that was a shame.

 

Also cause I still don’t know why I should be excited about Mistress Sarah returning, no one told me.

 

Alright last match – focus Bruce *slap*

 

It’s Spiked Fury to begin the match – I’m sorry but when I kept reading “The veteran” I momentarily thought Fury had adopted a soldier gimmick LOL. Technical wrestling to get the match off to a slow start (I now realize why I picked a character who just doesn’t do this kind of stuff)

 

NOW WE’RE TALKING! They’ve torn the plastic wrapper off and are breaking out the forearm shots! Only it leads to a headlock and Fury being TOSSED over the top rope… now I can imagine the whole segment in my head, I’ve seen it work – but the words to explain what happened just weren’t there, when I read “tossed” I get a Rumble tossed kind of sensation, not that Spike used his leverage to get Fury over the top rope and onto the apron. Like I said I can see it in my head, but I had to fill out that blank mentally not by reading it.

 

Man it takes quite a while for these two Cruiserweights to kick it into gear doesn’t it? “Feeling out process” I guess it’s called?

 

“ The crowd explodes as Mistress Sarah enters the ring as a competitor for the first time in five years.” FIVE YEARS? Holy crap she’s not been active since early 2001? The lure of the SWF is just too great, even after 5 years.

 

Again I’m not quite sure what Spike did to escape the drop kick – in my mind I can fill in the blanks sure. And man does he get his ass kicked or what, that’s putting the returning star over except for a quick “out of the blue” move to allow Spike to tag out.

 

Zyon Vs Sarah – new Vs old… man Vs woman…erm that’s it I’m out of clichés. With Sarah being so light Zyon finally has a chance to execute moves such as the Electric Chair Drop, and he’s taking the opportunity since it’s quite rare in the SWF.

 

So Zyon overshot the slingshot Cross body or Sarah ducked?

 

I’ve noticed several little grammatical errors etc that makes this read like a rush job, which I guess could explain those places where it wasn’t fully described what went on – so I’ll stop commenting on those “incidents”

 

OW ZYON’S FUCKING ANKLE!! Yeah he’ll need some ice for that after the match. More work on the ankle and Zyon is officially the Ricky Morton of the team (but with better hair) – although he took too little of a beating to be a true Ricky Morton though.

 

Spike proves to be a read douche (in character – no need to start a flame war) as he tags in the still hurting Zyon who ends up in an ankle lock, that’s got to be it he can hardly walk much less take THAT! The rope break was almost too easy, build it up more – make people wonder “is he or isn’t he” IMO

 

Question: Hitler had loyal jews?

 

Zyon leaps up on the top rope?? Double talk about no selling!

 

After being worked over and having the other team interfere many times Zyon still has a hard time getting a pin off a Spike cheap shot – he struggles with it – he prays to god – he flips a coin and finally does.

 

And it was sold like he made a deal with the devil… well by King who is an honorable upstanding citizen and as such is beyond reproach

 

I’m sorry but that was a MESS – rushed or whatnot I don’t know but for a main event match that was pretty bad cause it was so hard to read, so flawed in the writing.

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

Ah one last promo – excellent (or Sexellent?)

 

Landon is a sad panda, Amy makes fun of him.

 

Landon is down over the whole Toxxic thing, whining over something that was like a year ago. Emo kid indeed

 

Amy isn’t really fond of her brother, Landon isn’t really fond of Amy’s brother either.

 

Let’s fuck

 

Yep it’s a winner *thumbs up*

 

¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤¤

 

One disappointing no show and one mess of a match aside the show had some good stuff going on – good build on the CW scene, we know where it’s going but they’re making the ride there very interesting.

 

No Wes/ELM hype or even references or anything like that which is a shame – it is the main event after all.

[Toxxic 0]

I liked the show overall - a quick note for Bruce, Sarah came back in mid-late 2004 as Sean Davis and stayed until about this time last year, during which time she picked up the HGC belt a couple of times, three Tag Titles and (I think) the USJL.

 

So actually, by my calculations, one more Tag Title run for any of Sarah's avatars and she'll have more tag titles than Raynor, WC or Johnny (albeit with different characters).

 

But yeah, nice show although it's a shame that there was no appearence from Wes or ELM in any form (although I guess they might show up in J3's opening promo).

 

EDIT TO ADD: Yeah, and Landon - don't worry about the edits i made to the promo. I wouldn't expect anyone who hasn't lived in Nottingham for a while to have a hope at managing the mangled language that passes for English amongst the kids up here.

[Bruce Blank 0]

I liked the show overall - a quick note for Bruce, Sarah came back in mid-late 2004 as Sean Davis and stayed until about this time last year, during which time she picked up the HGC belt a couple of times, three Tag Titles and (I think) the USJL.

I went by the "In charcter" comment of 5 years as my guideline. it's always good to put writers with characters and it's a huge help in placing "level", "Mistress Sarah" didn't say much to me as a relative newbie but "Sean Davis" does and I'm looking forward to reading more.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Just to clarify a few things in my match (Seems to be for Bruce's benefit, as he's the only person to comment so far)

 

1. Myers getting 'knocked out' was not really an OH HOLY SHIT, HE MIGHT BE DEAD! type spot, more of a "The hell just happened?".

 

2. As "Neo", Myers of course has to destroy the machines, ghost or otherwise. Ghost Machine 2.0, of course, is programmed to only Crush, Kill, and Destroy, and combine that with his cattle prodding last show, and that damages his Tag Team files, so Myers was just another opponent at times to him.

 

3. Herve Villechaize is a shitty ref because he is a dead midget actor.

 

4. JESUS CHRIST MY FUCKING NOSE!

 

5. Ghost Machine 2.0's repeated tagging in of Myers on the face is basically Matt getting slapped often. But you knew that.

 

 

 

I will explain the promo (Which, shit, was a lot shorter than it seemed when I was writing it, for some reason), in due time. I don't want to 'spoil' it for someone, though I'd figure a person would read the show, then check comments, but, meh. Or, I can PM you folks.

[Bruce Blank 0]

3. Herve Villechaize is a shitty ref because he is a dead midget actor.

Best explanation ever!

[Guest The Satanic Angel]

Good show from those who showed. Looking forward to the JJJ promos.

 

As far as the Main Event goes ... as I was reading it, I started to seriously wonder if Judge even RECEIVED our match. Of course, I'm biased, but it's obvious Spike/Zyon doesn't even read pertinant promos. Fury knew who his partner was. He wasn't happy about it in the slightest. I could go on, but it would be chalked up to me just bitching because we lost. But after reading Bruce's comments ... anyway.

 

I hope Fury posts our match and we'll see what you guys say.

[Mr. S£im Citrus 0]

Bruce, thanks for the feedback:

 

Straight to the opening match of WC against Hawke’s tag-team partner in the lottery tournament Arch Griffon, nice bit of “taking the storyline into consideration” booking even if Hawke & Griffon aren’t regular partners and all.

I tried to write the beginning of my match so as to imply that they could have gone directly from the opening promo into the first match, and thereby have cut to commercial in what would have otherwise been an "overly long" first segment.

 

It’s a shame that there Griffon/Hawke rivalry wasn’t really reflected upon in the “pre-match” hype by Hardy & King IMO.

Yeah, when Jay asked me to have him come down in observe, he wanted me to imply that he might have been scouting either WC or Griffon, so I regret that I didn't pull that off properly.

 

Hmmm after being pummeled against ring posts and barricades WC punches his way out and then shows no slowing down as he bounces off the ropes (and is taken down by Arch) – he’s a resilient little Bahama-mama isn’t he?

Yeah, that was kind of weak, but there's only so much selling that you can do in 4000 words...

 

The commercial break was really weird, I guess it’s to give it a sense of realism but then again each segment on the show tends to start with “returning from a commercial break” – Peters must be raking it in hand over fist *thumbs up*

See first comment.

 

A small man outpunching a big power house never made sense to me when I saw it on TV and well it doesn’t really here either, but it does build into a pretty good sequence where WC finally knocks Arch down (Finally? Didn’t he do it earlier in the match?)

Technically, WC didn't outpunch him, and it's not like they were trading punches out there. WC wasn't throwing bombs, he was peppering a bigger, slower man with jabs that he wasn't quick enough to block; what's so unrealistic about that?

 

And WC didn't actually knock Arch down earlier; it doesn't count if the ropes are involved...

 

Man if you were a TV viewer you saw: WC use the speed to get initial control, Griffon gets a move in before the break, the submission after the break which is extended to the point where you’d actually worry a bit about Arch and then WC comes back and generally stays in charge with no ill effects of the beating until he wins.

 

The “Commercial break” placement made Arch look like he hardly got any offence in at all.

Eh, I was writing with the mentality of "show opener," not "MOTY candidate." Not an excuse, I guess, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

 

It was a styles clash between “small & fast” and “big & strong” and to me it felt like WC didn’t handle the “big and strong” style that well.

Huh... I used to be half-decent at that; I've written a couple of decent matches against Sean Davis, Janus and Va'aiga. I guess I'm just out of practice...

 

Again, thanks for the feedback.

[HollywoodSpikeJenkins 0]

........

 

 

I actually now remember reading that promo...

 

 

Whoops.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Bruce, thanks for the feedback:

 

Straight to the opening match of WC against Hawke’s tag-team partner in the lottery tournament Arch Griffon, nice bit of “taking the storyline into consideration” booking even if Hawke & Griffon aren’t regular partners and all.

I tried to write the beginning of my match so as to imply that they could have gone directly from the opening promo into the first match, and thereby have cut to commercial in what would have otherwise been an "overly long" first segment.

Looking at it that way then yes a commerical break mid match does make sense to do the commercial break and all.

 

I guess we got an "SWF.com exclusive segment"

 

And don't take my words too harshly or anything, I mean I'm just some dude who likes to write garbage matches

[JHawk 0]

A few comments for Bruce's feedback (which is much appreciated).

 

Did Cortez dive forward between the ropes so that the guy behind him hit the turnbuckle? I had to re-read it 3 times before I realize that it didn’t say.

 

Yes. Maybe I over-explained it.

 

Now I may not be the biggest expert on moves – but a Victory Roll isn’t that executed off someone’s shoulders? Like Bret Vs Owen at WMX or Bret beating Bam Bam at King of the ring? Or is it just the name for any move where you roll forward and end up sitting on your opponents chest like in this match?

 

Maybe I should have used "modified" Victory roll, but the implication is that the person using it dropped down out of the German and did a forward roll. So you're technically right.

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

Shit, I almost forgot:

 

The bra and panties match kicked ass.

[Justice 0]

Good show from those who showed. Looking forward to the JJJ promos.

 

As far as the Main Event goes ... as I was reading it, I started to seriously wonder if Judge even RECEIVED our match. Of course, I'm biased, but it's obvious Spike/Zyon doesn't even read pertinant promos. Fury knew who his partner was. He wasn't happy about it in the slightest. I could go on, but it would be chalked up to me just bitching because we lost. But after reading Bruce's comments ... anyway.

 

I hope Fury posts our match and we'll see what you guys say.

 

Sarah, I understand. The biggest problem with both matches, as it seemed to me, was that the opponents were fairly... uh... Well, generic. I mean, neither match really put character into the others. Yours had a lot of interaction between Fury and Sarah, and I understood that... but there was really not much with Zyon and Spike. On the other hand, Zyon and Spike had stuff from each other... but they didn't do anything with you two.

 

I sort of took that as a cancelling of each other. Maybe it's just that I've sort of been following Zyon and Spike, which made it a little easier for me to see what they were doing with each other.

 

Frankly, the Main Event wasn't as good as it could have been. I feel bad in saying it, but I was sort of disappointed in both sides with their matches. Zyon's was pretty rushed and while it had better action (at least, in my opinion, but I'll get to it later), it ignored your storyline. Your match was okay, but the action portion was a bit short (You had 1,800 words for the opening lead in, and you still came in a bit under the winning match), and I felt that Zyon's match, while much less polished, felt more like a match than 'a promo... and hey, there's a match!'.

 

Post your match, and I'll explain a bit more. Or I could post your match. But I personally didn't like making this decision at all, because, after reading both matches, it felt like at least one side would come out of it hurt.

[chirs3 0]

Updated comments:

 

-- JJ's promo's are now in. READ THEM. Please.

 

-- AkRoss's match is in, just late! Color me relieved, and very happy too!

 

-- I must reiterate that tonight's promo madness was very pleasing.

[ChrisMWaters 0]

I have to wonder one thing after viewing this past Smarkdown...

 

What will be the situation with Maddix...and how will it affect my tag title workings?

[Angel_Grace_Blue 0]

JJ had mentioned in chat a few times that he was getting bored writing a mute Eskimo, and shit, if you're bored, then bad things usually come about if that isn't fixed. Guess Johnson is going to get his face smashed in by a crazy Belarussian. Or his trachea crushed again.

 

Also, kind of in response to Bruce (Again), and I'm basically restating WC, but it's tough to put in adequate psychology and selling for four people in 4500 words.

 

Edit: Anyone notice my commentary formula breakdown? I'm kind of proud of it, even if I didn't quite execute as I had in my mind.

 

 

Also, I figure enough time has passed to explain the Jimmy promo.

 

Calvin Broadus is better known to millions of people as Snoop Dogg. Donald Campbell (Who I actually gave his alias in the promo), or Don "Magic" Juan is a reformed pimp, known sometimes as (Arch)Bishop Don "Magic" Juan, and an associate of Snoop Dogg's. Basically, in the 1200s, a Doomtopian cardinal became pope, took the name of a gangsta rapper, appointed a pimp as the Archbishop of Canterbury, talked about keeping his Pope hand strong, and threatend to Pope slap bishops, cardinals, priests, etc. if, basically, they didn't have his (And God's) money. It's a pimp joke...sort of.

[Smartly Pretty 0]

Good thing I went to bed earlier than usual. I might have had some sort of rage anger thingy if I saw someone thought we no-showed.

 

And when I say we, I mean Cross. Go him for writing while I was grounded.

[Toxxic 0]

Fear Akira's rage anger thingy.

[Smartly Pretty 0]

Damn straight.

[Toxxic 0]

Make it a rare move.

[zyon 0]

Yeah I guess I should respond to some critiques from Bruce (Which are appreciated, and his comments are in italics)

 

I have no idea who Mistress Sarah is, I know her name from the title histories and the CF matches but I personally have no idea what level she really moved at – so I don’t know if the rather short “return intro” was justified

 

It just seemed that it should be a BIG SELLING POINT in the pre-match antics yet Spike & Zyon’s entrances and all got more coverage and details and all, that was a shame.

 

Also cause I still don’t know why I should be excited about Mistress Sarah returning, no one told me.

 

Yeah Spike wrote the entrances and I touched them up a bit. But I don't know jack about Mistress Sarah either so maybe that's why we couldn't make it an astounding return.

 

Fury being TOSSED over the top rope… now I can imagine the whole segment in my head, I’ve seen it work – but the words to explain what happened just weren’t there, when I read “tossed” I get a Rumble tossed kind of sensation, not that Spike used his leverage to get Fury over the top rope and onto the apron. Like I said I can see it in my head, but I had to fill out that blank mentally not by reading it.

 

Balancing him on the apron, Fury chokes Spike across the top with applying pressure with the head lock. That's part of my match. Notice the words balancing on the apron. I agree that it may been confusing (which I will explain later) but I did explain that they were on the apron.

 

Oh the five year thing with Sarah. Yeah it says in her bio she retired in 2001, I went by that. Anything about Sarah is probably from bio or me trying something cause I don't know anything about the character either.

 

So Zyon overshot the slingshot Cross body or Sarah ducked?

 

The hurting youth clutches his stomach as Sarah reaches a full vertical base Notice full vertical base. My way of saying she stood up from a lowered position.

 

Spike proves to be a read douche (in character – no need to start a flame war) as he tags in the still hurting Zyon who ends up in an ankle lock, that’s got to be it he can hardly walk much less take THAT! The rope break was almost too easy, build it up more – make people wonder “is he or isn’t he” IMO

 

I thinking you mean real douche, yeah grammars a bitch for others than just me *thumbs up.* Anyway I didn't build it up cause Zyon's ankle was shredded to the point where a simple tug would shoot a lot of pain through his body causing him to easily lose his grip on the rope. I also opted to not build it up cause in some areas less is more and all that jazz.

 

Question: Hitler had loyal jews?

 

No. But Hitler hated jews. Hitler probably really hated disloyal jews. Weird comparison, but I like to put weird comparisons in my match sometimes.

 

Zyon leaps up on the top rope?? Double talk about no selling!

 

Now Fury has a reason to be frightened as the youth carefully uses Fury as a balance leaping on to the top rope. Notice Zyon used Fury as a balance taking pressure off the ankle. Also Zyon wasn't on the rope that long so there wasn't much time for pressure, and of course while using Fury's hand Zyon could have easily leaped to the top rope with his non injured ankle. Sure I didn't explain that, but your also jumping to the conclusion that he leaped to the top rope with the injured ankle.

 

 

I’m sorry but that was a MESS – rushed or whatnot I don’t know but for a main event match that was pretty bad cause it was so hard to read, so flawed in the writing.

 

Ugh yeah actually that was really fucking rushed thank you. And I'm quite pleased with it with it being rushed and all. Almost becoming a Koji when I got locked from the boards for a whole day for no apparent reason. Then letting Spike write (He wrote about 1300, but he has work and stuff...yeah damn life) and when I got it after School and conditioning I was able to start. Now by start I needed to at least plan the match which takes time. I'm also a decently slow typer (Seriously, I type with two fingers) which shouldn't matter at all, but I figured to add it. So I start writing the match around 7. Gots to be in by 10. I do about 4,200 words in three hours while eating, doing homework, using the bathroom, basically having a life. Understand I openly admit it it was a rush job, but it was successful and sometimes that's all that matters.

 

Oh Sarah/Fury you have my apologies. Yeah I didn't read your guy's promos and such. And my lack of knowledge of the Sarah character probably didn't help. I'll take fault and all that jazz.

[Bruce Blank 0]

Also, kind of in response to Bruce (Again), and I'm basically restating WC, but it's tough to put in adequate psychology and selling for four people in 4500 words.

Now I know you're both really talented writers with like 6 - 10 times the fed time that I've had but I got to say that that's just an excuse and a bad one at that.

 

There is no way you can ever convince me that there isn't "room to sell" in a match - I'm sorry but that ain't right.

 

that'd be like sending 2 X-Division guys to the ring for 5 minutes, they hit all their flippity-floppity high spots and then some but get back up from each of them until one move "magically" keeps them down... erm ... I've seen that on TNA, but that doesn't mean it doesn't suck.

 

(I find it a shame I'm the only one who's done any kind of detailed comments I was hoping to get a few comments on the stuff I've had a hand in this week - but I warn you, if it sucks I'll claim the "Other guy" did that )

[Bruce Blank 0]

Alright comments on people who commented on my comments (select points not everything)

 

First up – Hawke Hogan

 

A few comments for Bruce's feedback (which is much appreciated).

 

Did Cortez dive forward between the ropes so that the guy behind him hit the turnbuckle? I had to re-read it 3 times before I realize that it didn’t say.

Yes. Maybe I over-explained it.

What I was trying to say was that you actually under explained it – I pictured in my mind how it COULD have gone, but it was never really explained how he did it.

 

And now – Zyon

 

Fury being TOSSED over the top rope… now I can imagine the whole segment in my head, I’ve seen it work – but the words to explain what happened just weren’t there, when I read “tossed” I get a Rumble tossed kind of sensation, not that Spike used his leverage to get Fury over the top rope and onto the apron. Like I said I can see it in my head, but I had to fill out that blank mentally not by reading it.

 

Balancing him on the apron, Fury chokes Spike across the top with applying pressure with the head lock. That's part of my match. Notice the words balancing on the apron. I agree that it may been confusing (which I will explain later) but I did explain that they were on the apron.

 

-

 

So Zyon overshot the slingshot Cross body or Sarah ducked?

 

The hurting youth clutches his stomach as Sarah reaches a full vertical base Notice full vertical base. My way of saying she stood up from a lowered position.

Each time you explained what happened AFTER the fact – since this isn’t a visual game we can’t see that he was deposited on the apron, we couldn’t see that she wasn’t standing upright – that was explained afterwards leading to the reaction of

 

“Huh??” and then afterwards “Ah okay now I see”

 

I try to get a mental image of the action in my head both when I read and when I write, so I try to explain what happened AS it happens – I try to stick to that as best as possible to keep my reads in the moment.

 

Zyon leaps up on the top rope?? Double talk about no selling!

 

Now Fury has a reason to be frightened as the youth carefully uses Fury as a balance leaping on to the top rope. Notice Zyon used Fury as a balance taking pressure off the ankle. Also Zyon wasn't on the rope that long so there wasn't much time for pressure, and of course while using Fury's hand Zyon could have easily leaped to the top rope with his non injured ankle. Sure I didn't explain that, but your also jumping to the conclusion that he leaped to the top rope with the injured ankle.

Yes he uses Fury to balance for leaping – but did he leap one footed? Did he land and balance and then jump off the top rope on one foot?

 

If he did – then it’d make for an impressive visual and should definitely have been described to make the moment that much more “special”

 

If he didn’t do it all one footed – then he really didn’t sell just how bad a shape the ankle was in (as you said yourself) in the least.

 

That’s it I dunno what else to comment on, but I wanted to tie up the loose ends.