Should I Move to the Pacific Northwest?

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

Most of them get jobs in Indiana and quit moving east.

[Kinetic]

So this is happening pretty soon. I'll be flying out on the 22nd. I understand that the town I'll be living in, Bremerton, is a hotbed of drug-related violent crime. But on the plus side, it's only a 60 minute ferry ride away from downtown Seattle. And once there, I'll be but a 60 minute fairy ride away from ecstasy. So, all right.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Hey, that's pretty nice. I'm actually going up to Seattle this Thursday until Sunday or so. I'll let you know if I find anything worthwhile there.

 

And I don't remember Bremerton being that bad. One of the things you'll actually find a bit perplexing moving up here is the real lack of violent crime anywhere, actually- there's just a lot of drugs and theft. And people are nice, almost too nice up here. Coming from L.A. where it's very taboo to interact with any strangers in a non-socialized setting, it was off putting how much people will say hi and that "How are ya?" is a legitimate question, not just a greeting.

[Nighthawk]

Awful.

 

It's nobody's business how I am except my own.

[Kinetic]

I'm starting to think that I'm going to be really self-conscious about living with my parents. But I guess if I managed to get laid when I worked at McDonald's, I can probably manage this, too.

 

Of course, I used to lie about that every time I met someone promising. I'd tell girls that I freelanced.

[Nighthawk]

Ha ha! I do that too.

 

"Yeah, I'm a starving artist/struggling writer."

 

Which is technically true. It works better than "I'm a motherfuckin' hustla." Which is also technically true.

[Kinetic]

Of course, if I'm looking for a second go-round, I'll probably have to come clean about it. I'm thinking that "I'm crashing with my folks right now" sounds a lot better than "I'm living with my parents," so I'm going with that. Also, I'll likely play up the whole "undiagnosed illness crippled me financially" angle. It's true enough for me.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

Are either of your parents old or sickly? You could play the kitty-cat card and say you're taking care of them.

[Kinetic]

Alas, neither of my parents are old or sickly. Mid 40s and in perfect health, as far as I know.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Mid 40's? They had you fairly young.

 

The "crashing with my folks" angle seems to work, especially for a lot of post-grad students who haven't "settled into their careers yet." Since you're in Seattle, ramp up the fact you like to do volunteer work or something too, or that you've been working with a couple non-profits or community organizations. You'll have Pacific Northwest hipster chicks eating out of the palm of your hand.

[At Home]

Or eating out of the palm of your cock, if you know what I mean.

[Kinetic]

Since you're in Seattle, ramp up the fact you like to do volunteer work or something too, or that you've been working with a couple non-profits or community organizations.

 

 

Hmm. But then I might actually have to do those things. Then again, it might feel good to give something back to society after having taken so very, very much.

[Nighthawk]

Just be a bum, girls don't care.

[Guest Vitamin X]

No, you won't have to do any real work. Most of the girls will likely nod and smile and say how they worked on this or that as well, or just think you're awesome for having done that in the past. You might even get lucky right there on the spot, depending on the spot of course.

 

EDIT: But Milky also brings up a good point.

[Spaceman Spiff]

Say "Hi!" to Eddie Vedder for me.

[Kinetic]

I will do no such thing.

[Special K]

Seattle's great. Good nightlife, great food, great arts scene, relatively clean, fresh air, just about the best area in the country economically.

 

Weather sucks. People can be a bit cold. lots of druggies and a huge homeless population. You take the good with the bad.

[Spaceman Spiff]

I will do no such thing.

That cut me to the bone, man.

[Kinetic]

If I run into Mark Arm, I'll definitely mention you.

[Kinetic]

(I deeply regretted this post, so I deleted it.)

[Kinetic]

Here's a song that Bremerton native Sir Mix-a-Lot wrote about the women in my new hometown:

 

Here's a gory kinda story, 'bout an obese freak

With a forty inch waist and a ten inch beak,

Overweight and out of shape with a triple chin,

Her brassiere strikes fear in the hearts of men,

 

The Girls a bremelo

The Girls a bremelo

 

Me and Terry hopped a ferry, we were lookin Swass

When a dip hit the ship we were almost tossed

It was a big bremelo standing on my toe,

An enormous jelly-belly tryin' to say hello

I was really kinda frightened as she looked my way,

I tried to run because here buns made the ferry sway

To be blunt she was fat and ready for combat

On the way to Bremerton where the fat is at,

The Girls a bremelo.

 

Let's Go!

 

I'm not fakin' or mistaken' 'bout the big ol' duck,

She had hairy underarms and a whoppin' gut,

Her hair was short and wavy, drove my pit bull crazy,

A (Bermitan)? beast chasin' fella's in the Navy,

At the movie she's the feature, the Bremerton creature,

Ya' wear a life jacket if ya ever try and freak her

Look at her physique, she ain't my kinda freak,

The floor creaks when the beast starts reaching her peak

The Girls a bremelo.

She's just a bremelo.

 

Change the beat!

 

You can't ignore the way she snores 'cuz she blows down doors,

Baby's got the kinda face only a mother adores,

A big basket ball head, with her ten inch feet,

Big lips, No hips, with the smell of a beast,

I couldn't put her in my Caddy or my tranny would break,

I've heard of dirt because of poverty, but she took the cake,

When it comes to Kool-Aid©, the girl would drink it in pints,

Ya go to school for twenty years and ya still in the ninth?

Ya just a bremelo.

Just a bremelo.

 

You big, triple chinned, unattractive duck,

Ya boyfriend beats freaks up to make a buck,

Hangin' 'round Third & Pike on a ten speed bike,

you could say that I'm a liar, but ya know I'm right

Ya talk behind my back because I dropped you flat,

And ya never take a shower 'cuz ya too damn fat

So ya man was smart when he broke your heart

Because if Mix-A-Lot'd cut cha youd'a fell apart

Wearing Polyester© slacks with elastic in the back

You could flat'n squash a nigga in a wrestling match

Ya got lips like a character in some cartoon

With a pink posterior ya big baboon

Ya just a (Elephant Trumpet)

(Elephant Trumpet)

 

Now Bremerton's a city right outside of mine,

Most girls there are ducks but a few are fine

But the ones that I speak about, use their faces catching trout,

Vacuum cleaners for a mouth, You know what I'm talkin' 'bout

Mud Ducks, Hocky Pucks, Drivers of Mack© trucks,

Lame brains, Deisel Trains, to pick them up you have to strain,

Big BUTT, Crew Cut, Extra-Ordinary Gut,

Big Mamma kinda bod, make ya (?????????) kinda rough

[Guest Vitamin X]

Sir Mix-A-Lot is from the Seattle area? Well shit, that would explain why he performs concerts regularly in these parts..

[Dobbs 3K]

MxPx had that song "Move to Bremerton" that was okay.

[BX]

Move back to Asheville.

[Kinetic]

Move back to Asheville.

 

I considered that, but it really felt like it would be a lateral move. Plus, I burned some bridges up there. And how.

[At Home]

Nice bro, that's how you do it.

[Edwin MacPhisto]

Sir Mix-A-Lot is from the Seattle area? Well shit, that would explain why he performs concerts regularly in these parts..

"Seattle Ain't Bullshittin'" is some classic Mix, as far as anything can really be considered "classic Mix."

[Maztinho]

Sir Mix-A-Lot is from the Seattle area? Well shit, that would explain why he performs concerts regularly in these parts..

 

I had a roommate in Brazil from Seattle who used to mow Mix-A-Lot's lawn. Guess the dude spent all his one hit wonder cash on Bentley's.

[Kinetic]

So I did this today. I missed my direct flight from Atlanta to Seattle and ended up having to fly to Salt Lake City and hope that I could get a seat on a flight out of there. I won't bore you with the details of my miraculous escape, but needless to say I was within groping distance of bunking with The Great Mazto for a while. Such are the perils of traveling with no money.

[Guest Vitamin X]

Atlanta's airport is the drizzling shits. I hate that place.