A Happy Medium

...Pat Riley?

This reminds me of that Conan O'Brien skit "Secrets".

Promo: "Poaching PETA" --Norfolk, Virginia. 13:00 hours. Inside of PETA headquarters.-- The scene is a boardroom deep in the heart of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals’ headquarters. Various heads of departments sit, drinking green tea and chatting about KFC’s unfair treatment of their chickens. Suddenly, the tea ceases to pour, and the badmouthing of “The Colonel” goes mum. The founder of PETA, Ingrid Newkirk enters the room. She is a slim, athletic woman in her late forties. She stands at the head of the table, with a manila folder in hand. Inside the folder are many sheets of red paper. She throws the folder on the large wooden table. “We have a new cause to fight for, ladies and gentlemen!” she yells. “But what about the poisoning of Ted Nugent?!” a member of the board screams. “We will deal with Mr. Nugent. But first, we must deal with a much worse heathen,” she says. “Lights!” The light comes down in the room, and a projector screen drops from the ceiling behind her. A film starts to play on the screen. It is a home movie featuring a young Johnny “Barracuda” Dangerous. The entire room gasps as they see him spin kicking goats and giving cows neck chops. “Lights!” The lights come back on. “This is Johnny Dangerous. I believe we should send him a visit, don’t you agree?” asks Ingrid. The room agrees vehemently. “Our friend Mr. Dangerous is going to be paid a visit by our friend, Bubbles!” she says with menace in her voice. “But … Bubbles?” asks one of the men, afraid of this name without a soul. “Yes. Bubbles!” Ingrid screams. The woman slowly starts to chuckle. Soon, the whole room breaks out in evil laughter. <fade out> Suddenly, the sound of a strong, baritone voice fills the viewer’s ears. “First, he took on his farm animals! Then, he took on the SWF! Somewhere in between he took on eight year old children at a dojo! Now, Johnny ‘Barracuda’ Dangerous stars in … ‘Poaching PETA!’ Featuring Dominic LeCroix!” <cut to an apartment in downtown Cleveland, Ohio> Redman’s “Lets Get Dirty” plays across the apartment. Dominic LeCroix, better known as the SWF’s Wildchild stands in the kitchen. He works at the stove, making some breakfast for himself. After he finishes making his breakfast, he takes off his apron, which is oddly enough, his Tag Team Championship belt, and hangs out over a pantry doorknob. He shuffles his way to the kitchen table, and sits down with his food. He is no more than a sip of orange juice into breakfast when…. *CRASH!* The apartment door is broken open. A tall Swedish man with an evil pony tail stands. Beside him is a large hippopotamus. Wildchild looks at the man with scorn in his eyes. “What the hell did you do that for? Also, who the hell are you?” Wildchild yells. “Why, my name is Sven, and this is my friend, Bubbles. Is Johnny Dangerous in?” “No, he’s at a dojo, practicing his mad martial arts skills! I would appreciate it if you and your friend there left,” says Wildchild. “Sorry, but I just can’t do that. Is that bacon you are eating?” the Swede asks. “Yeah.” “You American Pig!” screams the bigger man. Sven charges Dominic. Wildchild is quick to get to his feet. He grabs his glass of orange juice, and throws it into the face of Sven. The big Swedish man halts, and clutches his eyes. “Ah! Citric acid!” With a grin, Wildchild grabs his foe and Irish whips him into the stove. Sven collides with a thud. Meanwhile, Bubbles just stands at the doorway, flapping his/her ears, and just being a happy hippo. Sven grabs the door to the oven to steady himself. Quickly, Wildchild opens up the oven door and closes it, smashing Sven’s fingers! “Ah! My fingers!” Sven now stands in the kitchen, clutching his fingers with his … hands. Wildchild grabs the jug of orange juice that is still on the counter. He opens it up, and dumps the rest into Sven’s eyes. “Ah, god! More Citric Acid!” screams Sven. Wildchild finally has enough of this, and picks up a frying pan from the stove. He nails Sven on the top of the head with it! The big man hits the floor. Wildchild throws the pan into the sink, and looks down at the fallen European. Dominic then hears a jingling sound. The floor shakes as well. Dominic turns around just in time to see a now angry Bubbles charging at him. Bubbles, bell around its neck jingly brilliantly, approaches Dominic. Wildchild can’t get out of the way of the hippo’s girth. Bubble’s massive frame smashes into Wildchild’s ribcage, and down goes Dominic. Wildchild clutches his ribs, and quickly passes out from the pain. *GROAN!* Bubbles then goes to work. He bites down on the neck of Sven’s shirt, and slowly starts to drag the man out of the apartment. With each tug, Bubbles lets out a grunt. <cut to a hospital> Johnny Dangerous sits by the bed of his hospitalized partner Wildchild. Dominic is passed out from the painkillers the hospital has given him. Dangerous just sits in a chair beside the bed, a look of shame on his face. “It wasn’t your fault, son,” says a mysterious voice. A police officer enters the room. “Who are you?” asks Johnny. “I am officer Dave Kovic. I was the first man on the scene,” explains the man in blue. “Who did this to my best friend,” asks Johnny. “The most vile, disgusting force on the planet … PETA,” the officer says with zealous anger. “Those bastards!” Johnny screams. “And they left this for you at the scene,” continues the officer. Kovic offers the note to Dangerous, who accepts, and quickly reads it. “Your days are numbered, Ram beater!” “Those bastards are in fifth grade,” says Johnny. “I’ll show them. Where are they based from?” “Norfolk, Virginia,” says the well informed man. “Thank, you,” says Johnny, as he bursts passed the officer. “Where are you going?” asks the officer as Johnny gets to the door. “I’m going … to poach PETA!” says Johnny as he walks out the door. Even though saying you are going to hunt down humans to a police officer is not a bright move, Dangerous confidently climbs into his 72’ Barracuda, and peels out of the hospital parking, nearly taking out an arriving ambulance on the way out. <driving montage, where Dangerous shifts gears 72 times, and hard rock plays> -Inside of the PETA boardroom. Ingrid stands in front of a window overlooking downtown Norfolk, her arms behind her back. “Sending Bubbles was successful, fellow members of the board. However, Johnny Dangerous has not met his justice yet. He could be out there right now, waiting for the right time to strike,” she says ominously. “Yeah, right. Like he would come all the way from Cleveland to get revenge for us nearly killing his tag team partner, I’d like to see that!” yells a muffled voice. “Who said that?!” “I did!” Bursting down through the ceiling is Johnny Dangerous. He lands on top of boardroom table, and starts to the throw kicks at the seated members. Johnny strikes so fast, papers go flying everywhere from the force of his legs. Before long, all the people at the table are unconscious, their faces down on the table like they were playing fucking “Heads Up 7Up.” Dangerous stands defiantly on the table, and stares a hole through Ingrid. “So you’re the one who ordered a hit on me?” Johnny says in a monotone voice. “Yes, and now I finish the job,” she says as she leaps up on to the table like a cat. The two get into their fighting stances. Ingrid is the first to attack. She sends palm thrusts Johnny’s way. Dangerous is able to block all of them. Ingrid leans forward a bit too much on one of her thrusts, and Johnny spins around and sends Ingrid back pedaling with a spinning back fist. Ingrid clutches her cheeks, and then kicks a high heel at Johnny. The heel of the shoe slides by Johnny, and slices open his arm a touch. Johnny scowls, and comes forward. Ingrid kicks another shoe at Johnny, but The Barracuda dodges this one easily. Ingrid’s eyes get as big as saucers as Johnny does a running back flip, and hits Ingrid in the chin with both feet. Ingrid, already standing at the end of the table, flies off of the table and floats towards the window. *CRASH!* “AHHHHHHH! OOF!” Dangerous sends her through the window, and to the street below. Ingrid’s fall is broken by an open chicken truck, full of ready to die chickens. “Hey, I’m alive,” she exclaims. But then, Ingrid looks around her, and sees where she is. She feels something wet underneath her, and draws up her hand. White feathers splattered with blood greet her eyes. She starts to cry hysterically as the truck pulls away from the headquarters. Meanwhile, Johnny stands on top of the table. He looks down at Ingrid. A smile plastered across his face. <Fade Out> In the background, a song plays. The song is “You’re the Best Around” from the Karate Kid soundtrack. Scant filming credits roll down the screen. Johnny Dangerous … Himself Dominic LeCroix … Himself Ingrid Newkirk … Herself Sven … Mats Sundin Officer Kovic … Kevin Kline Bubbles … Mercury

Yes we could find out. Heheh. Thanks for liking the promo. It makes it worth it and then some.

Main Event – TRIOS LOCOS~! Ejiro Fasaki, Arch Griffon and Manson vs. Revolution Zero (“The Critic” Scott Pretzler and JJ Johnson) and “The Dean of Professional Wrestling” Jay Hawke © ??? Sub-Main Event – Battleground Rematch! “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins vs. ??? ??? Brotherly Love? Lil’ Buck vs. “The Franchise” Mak Francis Buck, as Andrea has been dying for a non cruiser to write against. Cruiserweight Rules Non-Title Match Wildchild © vs. Landon “La Cucaracha” Maddix Wildchild, as Maddix is hurt? Opening Spot-O-Rama “Maniac” Bryan Rodgers vs. Martin “Big Country” Hunt For some reason, I wish these guys were a tag team. However, the new guy picks up the win.

That match was so good I just creamed by shorts.

All in good time you shall come back, Muz. I just hope I'm around when you do.

2003 NFL regular season, the Saints made that crazy kickoff return touchdown to climb to within one. No time was left on the clock. I then predicted them to miss the extra point. They missed it. I was rolling around on the floor laughing my ass off.

Awesome card. Also, how the hell did I get into the main event?

bump

Later on, man. Hope to write against you some time.

If you're drinking and smoking pot when you're 12 years old, that means that something isn't right with your life to being with. This isn't about pot to me. It's about what makes a kid want to do stupid things before their balls drop. Maybe they are rebeling against their family at a young age because they don't feel loved. I don't know about that. But saying that marijuana may cause a mental illness that is potentially violent towards oneself and the public is just ridiculous. As for the rest of the report. It's a bad and good thing that heavy drugs are not being dealt with. You know, the drugs that actually kill people. It's good because maybe the use in the country is going down. The bad news is that it is maybe swept under the rug while the Government targets weed.

Everyone knows that Mask is at the South Pole drinking vodka with penguins. Jeeze, when will Andrea understand this?

I used to watch Bozo back when I was young on Sunday mornings. I always thought the ball buckets were the hardest tasks for the kids. At the end, kids were tossing balls ten feet. At least their news team is pretty good. Tom Skilling and Dan Roan kick ass.

Johnny, the site hasn't been updated in nearly three weeks. Is something wrong?

Everyone here may want this.... http://www.worldstadiums.com/stadium_pictu...lo_carvalho.jpg http://www.worldstadiums.com/stadium_pictu..._carvalho.shtml It took me a while to get information on this stadium. But hey, it does seat 37000. The need a Gund Arena in Santiago, Chile if you ask me.

come to chat

You two should have a soy milk together.

Nice going, Jay. That put the icing on the cake that was the PPV.

In all honesty, I was in a fake bar. Also, I can't make the whole match a Val Kilmer impression...anymore would cause Griffon to suffer from that terrible illness.

Hawke and IL pick up the wins...

The water makes you shit the same water out. You need to take opium to stop your bowels....but you still will be in bed for a day or two.

Secretary of State?

What was the point of The Union? They were around for about two weeks, and all carried 2x4's to the ring. As well, why did Shawn Michaels have the right to steal Benoit's Wrestlemania contract, sign it, and get a match? His punishment was actually getting a shot at the title.

Emo kids aren't taking over the world..just MySpace.