kkktookmybabyaway

Not quite. There's always the Clippers reaching the NBA finals.

So you retired from coaching to focus on ministry stuff. Best of luck to you, bro. I have always been a huge fan of yours. How much of a fan am I? If Tony was ever to find KK's Korner and read some most all of the stuff I post here, I might actually feel ashamed of myself. ... I said "might." For as much as a Dungy fan I am, I will say this: He should have been fired from Tampa Bay. I remember when the Bucs got rid of him all the ESPN talking heads, among others in the sports reporting biz, were shouting OMG RACSIM BLAHBLAHBLAH~! Fuck that. It was the right move. Did Tony turn a joke of a franchise into a contender? Yes. Was he able to get this team over that hump to advance in the playoffs? No. Bringing in the asshole-ish Gruden got the Bucs a Super Bowl win in his first year. Of course, that's all he's done, but would you rather have one Super Bowl win or none? And when Dungy was fired, I said to those who would listen (all three of them, and they had no choice because we were all at the same bus stop) that he'd get hired again and all would be right with the world. Turns out I was correct. And now both Dungy and Gruden are unemployed. Now before you think I just point out my correct predictions, I'll provide equal time for something I was way off base on this past NFL season: I thought Matt Ryan was a poor draft selection for the Falcons. Happy now? 10 p.m. • So I was flipping through channels today and noticed that CNN is having nine hours of coverage on the "Osama Express;" his choo-choo ride from wherever to D.C. And then I saw some promo for cBS television on "Yes We Can Monday" that featured the cast of "Two-and-a-Half Men" getting that Soviet-style red/blue portrait President Hussein's followers plastered all over the country. Just for shits and giggles, I wonder if I can find this anywhere. Well that only took one Google search, and half a cyber-kettle of tea brewed. Good Christ. I think I'm going to be playing DVDs and video games Monday. On a side note, at what age does that kid have to be in order for the show to no longer be called "Two-and-a-Half Men"? • And here I thought shooting for "Notorious" wrapped up months ago.

*Unzips pants*?

Spreads are posted four entries above.

I'll tell you guys what -- you're sure on the ball. During last week's Steelers/Chargers game, the signal was lost with my Comcast Digital cable service. After a few minutes the signal didn't return. "Eh," I thought, and went upstairs to the television set which has Comcast cable but not Digital cable. So this morning I'm listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO and there's a Direct TV ad that is goofing on Comcast for not being able to broadcast the third quarter of Sunday's game. Great effort, guys. Seriously. I can't imagine the thousands of calls the poor Comcast people received when the game was off the air. I'm positive there were a few service cancellations as a result of this. 8:30 p.m. • So today the boss was out as was two other full-timers. The new chick who was hired a few weeks ago was going over something with me and made a remark that we were having a three-day weekend. The following conversation took place. "Huh?" "We have Monday off." "No we don't." "Yes we do. It's in the employee manual." "No it's not." "Yes it is." *Shows me her manual that she received upon being hired that says we get MLK day off.* "The hell?" *Shows her my manual that I received upon being hired that says we don't get MLK day off.* "Weird." Ah, office communication. And you want to know the sad thing? I was looking forward to working Monday because the contractor I deal with will be closed, thus giving me a free "catch up" day. But it's all good. It now gives me a chance to get the best view in the house at President Hussein's inauguration. Brrrr. Weird. My nipples are hard and I'm really not all that cold. 9:45 p.m. • Uhhhhhh... Did I previously post... What I meant to post was... Because our new president is going to sink the battleship of economic ruin and emerge from the oceanic depths with welfare stimulus checks for us all. Up periscope, President Hussein! That ought to cover me for a while. Like maybe four or five seconds... ...I know, I'll just post some of my favorite Offspring songs. Aw, fuck.

I don't venture into that folder, BUTT-tard. And I thought people moved to Alaska because they could be sex offenders without those pesky police officers getting in their way.

So with all the issues facing Shittsburgh... * The RECESSION~! * The fact that the city had no money before said RECESSION~! * Toledo having more residents, thus showing how all those with a shred of common sense have left this shit hole. Oh, and Mud hens > Pirates. No, seriously. The Hens would beat the Bucs. In a best of seven. * An increasing homicide rate, which may not be a bad thing because at least the welfare rolls are getting thinned out. What is the number one topic on the news this week? ... In other news, Pizza Hut is now going to be known as Pasta Hut. OMGAPRILFOOLZROTFLMAOTERRIBLETOWEL2009~! For those of you who wonder why the location in my user profiles reads "Just outside the county line that encompasses Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania," now you know. Truth be told, I really don't care. Cities do this dumb shit all the time. What is more pathetic than the "name change" is the local media coverage this received. Good Christ, this was in the LEAD STORY segment of the local news that Mrs. kkk was watching earlier this week. Upon further review, I never really noticed the "Ravens" in the boy mayor's last name. I am now genuinely surprised that he was able to win the Democrat primary with that last name. Then again, the primary season doesn't take place during football season. The November general election is just a gimmie to Democrats anyway, so the real action takes place during the primaries. And these are just some of the reasons why I love Westmoreland County.

Did you freeze?

Give thanks you aren't having an 8-8 in the mix.

RE: Regulate. Not a bad song. Was a bit too overplayed when it came out, but that's to be expected.

I am holding my own worst poster tournament. Read that description again. Worst. Poster. This is the poster I hate the most. Each will be judged on … well, whatever I say they will be judged on. That’s right, far too long I have held back letting the TSM community know what posters have irked me for years and have become the bane of my existence. Now it’s time to name names and nobody is safe. The eight seeds are listed below in their quarter-final match-ups. Round Uno Christian Okoye I remember this growing up and I HATED looking at it every time I thumbed through a group of posters at a store. I had nothing against the Nigerian Nightmare, even though I called him a different nickname because I thought ethnic/name-changing insults were oh so clever. Good thing I’m through with that phase. I will give this poster credit for one thing: I like how the terrified players in the background have uniforms from Okoye’s divisional opponents. Vs. Alfalfa's He Man Woman Haters Club I couldn’t find the actual poster that was in my room (it shows Alfalfa flexing his pseudo-muscles with the name of his club at the bottom of the page), but why I hate this poster is because it burned me – big time. You see, when I was a kid, I had a shitload of posters/pictures pinned up in my room. When I got this edition to add to my collection, there was no room to pin it up anywhere. As a kid who wasn’t yet hip to the whole sexual education thing, I pinned this image of Alfalfa on the only place in my room that still had available real estate. Right above my bed. Ah, childhood innocence. How was I to know other people could see this as somewhat queer? I sleep on my side, so it’s not like I would wake up looking into Alfie’s eyes. And I wasn’t even masturbating yet, so I wasn’t pulling a "Randy Marsh in the hot tub" at a Meteor Shower parties. This poster was up for some time before a friend of mine asked why I had a picture of Alfalfa hanging above my bed. I responded because that was the only place for it in my room. He asked the same question again, and that was when something clicked in my head. After he left I quickly took this image down, never to be seen again. Strangely enough, my friend never told anyone about this and I wasn’t the object of ridicule among my youth compatriots (well, at least I was not the object of ridicule for this particular subject). I guess Jason didn’t find anything homo-erotic with it, either; he just found it … strange. Winner: Okoye. Alfalfa was innocent of any wrongdoing; just guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jerry Rice I was never a fan of the San Francisco 49ers growing up. After all, I was in STEELER COUNTRY, and those queermos from the Bay were going to equal my black and gold in Super Bowl wins with FOUR~! After they clobbered Denver, my old man was PISSED. Why? Because he’s out of his mind. Anyway, after that blowout, the 49ers were zeroed in on another Super Bowl title in the early 1990s, and this poster of Jerry Rice was pretty much used as the object of my scorn. It’s hard to see the type at the top of this poster, but it says something like “Rice be nimble. Rice be quick.” The image is of him jumping over Candlestick Park. Get it? LOLOLOL. Now that I think about this, even though I hated this poster, I never had a problem with the Joe Montana Football video game franchise, which was also out at around this time. It wasn’t my favorite video game, but I played it from time to time. I wonder why, considering I hated Montana more than Rice. Nah, the “Joe’s white” excuse doesn’t feel right here. I think it was because at least in the video game you could defeat San Francisco – they had a team in the game, right? Oh, and you may now be thinking, “kkk, but the 49ers won a fifth Super Bowl. How did the Steeler nation react to that?” Surprisingly, the Shittsburgh region took it better than I thought. Then again, everyone was still in shock about the Steelers losing to the Chargers in the Conference Championship. While many here won’t admit it, losing to the Chargers was the better option than getting blown out by the 49ers that year in the Super Bowl. And, yes, they would have lost. Vs. Whatever You Want To Call This Why the hell did I put this on the list -- it's a great photo. Even though it’s not really a poster, I still had it pinned to my wall. I won this prize at some fair, and it was in a plastic 8x11 frame. I posted this in my room because of the naughty word. I guess it was to show my mom I wasn’t taking any more of her fascist rules like “study” and “get good grades.” Winner: Rice be nimble. Rice be quick. Rice is going to the second round. Fatheads (as a whole) Do I have a fat head? Well, I have no problem fitting it through my shirts. Get it? “Fat head”? LOLOLOL. I don’t own these things, and I have no problem with people who do. (Well, I might have a problem with someone that has one, but it's not because they own a Fathead.) I guess what I don’t like about these things is that you don’t pin/tape them to a wall. In my day we used tape and tacks that ruined our room’s walls, thus deducting from our parent’s security deposit if the residence was a rental property. And if you lived in a house your parents were paying a mortgage on, those holes you making marked your territory, in a passive aggressive sort of way. Damn you technology. Vs. Pennants (as a whole) Once again, I have nothing against pennants. In fact, I used to own a buttload of these things. That’s why pennants make the list. I used to own a buttload of these things. I have commented on my old man a few times here, and he does have his fair share of faults. Who the hell am I kidding, he has more than his fair share. But one “father/son” activity we used to partake in was to go to Steeler games during the early 1980s. Actually, I don’t think we went to that many regular season-games; I pretty sure these were pre-season games. Why? Probably because they were cheaper. Nothing wrong with that – I was a kid and had no idea what was going on anyway. Most of the time I just wandered around Three Rivers Stadium picking up discarded tickets and other litter. Anyway, whenever we would go to these games (or my old man went with some friends to those fancy smancy regular-season games), I would always get a pennant. After a while I had quite the collection on my wall. I can’t quite remember what I had – I know there were several Steeler ones, an old Bengals helmet, the Browns, the Houston Oilers, the N.Y. Giants, the Atlanta Falcons, the Minnesota Vikings, the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers. Hmm, dad had a thing for the NFC Central. Oh well, there were probably about a dozen or so more in addition to those I named. And what happened to these pennants? When my folks got a divorce in the mid-1980s, the house that my old man worked on for almost 10 years was sold and my old lady threw away this cherished pennant collection. Nice going, bitch. Just because they remind you of the psycho you married doesn’t mean they had the same anti-sentimental value for me. Then again, I don’t really remember putting up that much of a fight back then for these pennants. I was probably still in shell-shock with the fact that my parents were splitting up and wondering if it had anything to do with me… “kkk, your time on the couch is done for the day. Come back next week, and bring your $150. And NO CHECKS!” Winner: Pennants. Fatheads were never in my old house’s trash can. Team Photos (as a whole) For some reason I was never a fan of these generic “team” photos. I mean, all the athletes are just sitting there, and their images are so tiny. Why did I have a few of these pinned up? No clue. I think I pinned a few up one afternoon and forgot they were there until moving day years later. Vs. Chicago Bulls Team Poster Remember what I said about the San Francisco 49ers? Well, the Chicago Bulls were even worse. I didn’t start following basketball until the late 1980s/early 1990s, and because Shittsburgh did not have a NBA team I had to pick a team from another city to throw my support behind. Several of my friends were already NBA fans, and they were glad to see I finally caught onto the sensation that was the Association. They told me to watch a few games and let them know what teams I liked. Keep in mind this was when Air Jordans were the thing and Bulls Merchandise was right up there with the Los Angeles Raiders gear. I was watching the early rounds of the NBA playoffs, and the Phoenix Suns with Kevin Johnson got my attention quick. I was about to pledge my eternal loyalty to Phoenix when another team caught my eye: the Detroit Pistons. The next day I was in fourth-period Home Economics. (No jokes -- we were REQUIRED to take a semester of this and a semester of Metal Shop.) I told my basketball-loving peers of my recent observations. I started out talking about the Suns. My one friend’s eyes lit up. He was a huge Suns fan because he grew up in Phoenix and attended a few summer camps featuring Suns players (little did I know it was around the time of that big drug scandal in the '80s; oh the Larry Nance after-party jokes I could have thrown at him). I then told the group about my next team. The following conversation took place. You can figure out who is who. “Yeah, I liked Phoenix, but there was another team I saw which I liked better.” “Who?” “They wore blue … I think they were the…” “Oh no.” “Detroit Pistons?” “What the fuck is wrong with you? They’re a bunch of assholes!” “I liked the way they played defense.” “You’re fucking kidding me! The PISTONS?” “There was this big white guy who I liked.” “Oh God… Laimbeer?” “I don’t know. He had black hair.” “Bill Laimbeer is a fucking asshole. What the fuck is wrong with you?” Now we all have had experience with peer pressure. And while the herd can oftentimes break a person’s will of self-expression, there are times when you just want to stand out from the crowd by being an asshole. This was one of the (many) times for me. So my friends are Bulls fans? Fuck that – go Pistons. The pinnacle of my Pistons scorn came a few years later when I got a Bill Laimbeer jersey, and the first time I wore it was to my friend’s house (the one from Phoenix) when he had a long-distance friend who was supposedly some big-shit on his school’s basketball team. My other friend and I played them in several games and we handedly won each contest. I also had one of the best outdoor games of my life playing against this “super friend” from another school. I’m not sure if my game was actually any good, or if this “super friend” actually played on his school’s team, but either way the power of Bill was with me that day – and I didn’t even take any cheap shots. … Wait, what the hell was I talking about? Oh, yeah. The Bulls. Fuck them. Look, I know Jordan’s good. Hell, he’s great. Oh “H” “e” “double hockey sticks,” he’s the best player of my generation and may be the best of all time. I get that. I just routed against him. But you know who I genuinely hated? Scottie Pippen. Wahhhh, I have a headache in Game 7 of the 1990 NBA Conference Finals. Wahhhh. If I don’t get the ball in the final 1.8 seconds of a playoff game I’m going to sit down. You're a whiny fuckhead and I personally hate you. Well, not anymore because I’m indifferent. But back then I sure did. Winner: Bulls. I can’t even remember who they were up against, much like their other first-round NBA opponents from back in the day. Round Dos: Christian Okoye v. Jerry Rice. Winner: Rice. By a leap. Pennants v. Bulls. Winner: Bulls. Not even close. Round Tres: Jerry Rice v. Chicago Bulls Winner:

(3.5) Philadelphia at Arizona Baltimore at Pittsburgh (5.5) ************************************************* AFC Kahran Philadelphia 17, Arizona 27 Baltimore 10, Pittsburgh 16 Bored Philadelphia 28, Arizona 17 Baltimore 14, Pittsburgh 17 DIFF: AZ/PHI, PIT/BAL ************************************************* NFC Human Fly Philadelphia 24, Arizona 23 Baltimore 13, Pittsburgh 16 Devo Philadelphia 24, Arizona 31 Baltimore 10, Pittsburgh 17 DIFF: BAL/PIT

I don't know, I think in a quirky twist of fate, the Cards blowing out the Panthers is going to help you advance. If you would have had the Cards score 14 instead of 13, Gert, you would be moving on.

You know, for as much as I hated the Bulls, I probably had more scorn for the teams they beat in the Finals because those teams many times seemed to beat themselves. I would be screaming at the television -- DEFEND HIM! DON'T TAKE A 20-FOOT JUMP SHOT! However, part of this final-round "choking" was probably due to the fact that the Bulls were, you know, good.

I never thought I'd say this again, but you guys really ARE the Party of small(er) government. Of course that's not saying much. I'm torn. On one hand I'm sure President Hussein could be bracing us for his New Deal/Great Society/Euro-Welfare-State, but on the other hand this could be a great strategy to make future deficits look good. "See, it could have been $1 trillion, but now it's just $700 billion." Mad props, yo. And lol on the "tighter fiscal discipline" crack. 9 p.m. • So the better half decided to get a hobby and started reading those stupid Twilight books. Vegetarian vampires -- WTF? Since when does drinking animal blood instead of human blood constitute going vegan? Wouldn't a vampire have to drink chlorophyll or something? Oh there's no way in hell I'm ending today's entry like this. ... OK, here we go. Over in the draft folder there is a dinosaur draft going on. Now as I've stated before, I was all about the dinos back in the day. Why didn't I take part in this draft? Two reasons. 1) I don't post nearly as often as I once did here, which I guess is a good thing. It's not like I'm helping out in soup kitchens with this "free" time; I'm just wasting my life doing other meaningless things. How the hell did real men that built the foundation of this country do it? Manually constructing railroads, storming Normandy -- yikes. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Dino Draft. My second reason is that I knew my top lizard would be taken before I had a chance to snatch him up, and I was right. I know it's petty, but there's no way I can participate in any kind of Dino function without my dawg the Triceratops. So, much like my pseudo-basketball draft, I will make my own draft. Unlike the b-ball experience, I'm not going to care if my other dinosaurs were already picked. How many rounds is this draft? Dunno. Let's just go with five. Round 1: Triceratops. My n*gga. Two long horns plus the mini third; by far my favorite dinosaur. I'd like to say how many replicas of this guy I had but I can't. No, I'm not embarrassed by the number -- I simply can't remember them all. Round 2: Styracosaurus I always liked the fancy horns jetting out from his shell. Not enough to pick him over the Triceratops, though. Round 3: Monoclonius The opposite of the Styracosaurus, I think this guy would be bad-ass due to the fact he only had one horn as compared to most of his counterparts and would have a chip on his shoulder. Round 4: Protoceratops Now we're going with NO horns. Sure he'd be in trouble with large predators, but his stomping ground was in the desert. In just about every illustration I've seen him in he was always going after scrawny two-legged egg-stealers -- should I be saying "she" instead of "he" in this case? Are we detecting a trend here? Those were my four favorite creatures from the Ceratopsian family. I really don't have anyone for the final round. I guess I'll go with another herbivore. Round 5: Ankylosaurus As if it isn't obvious that I'm a freak, here's some more evidence. I remember the wall-length poster that Ankylosaurus image is a part of. It was a timeline of sorts showing all the prehistoric eras. Damn was that one big-ass poster.

Baltimore at Tennessee (3.5) Arizona at Carolina (10.5) Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants (4.5) San Diego at Pittsburgh (6.5) *************************************************** GERT Baltimore 14, Tennessee 13 Arizona 13, Carolina 31 Philadelphia 10, N.Y. Giants 20 San Diego 10 Pittsburgh 17 KAHRAN Baltimore 21, Tennessee 30 Arizona 10, Carolina 35 Philadelphia 27, N.Y. Giants 24 San Diego 13, Pittsburgh 23 DIFF: BAL/TEN, NYG/PHI Gert and Kahran tied at 2-2 FIRST ROUND OF TIE-BREAKERS First Round of Tie Breakers: Baltimore 13 + Tennessee 10 = 23 Gert: Baltimore 14 + Tennessee 13 = 27 Kahran: Baltimore 21 + Tennessee 30 = 51 Arizona 33 + Carolina 13 = 46 Gert: Arizona 13 + Carolina 31 = 44 Kahran: Arizona 10 + Carolina 35 = 45 Philadelphia 23 + N.Y. Giants 11 = 34 Gert: Philadelphia 10 + N.Y. Giants 20 = 30 Kahran: Philadelphia 27 + N.Y. Giants 24 = 51 San Diego 24 + Pittsburgh 35 = 59 Gert: San Diego 10 + Pittsburgh 17 = 27 Kahran: San Diego 13, + Pittsburgh 23 = 36 SECOND ROUND OF TIE-BREAKERS Total points scored in all four games: 162 Gert's total points predicted: 128-162=34 Kahran's total points predicted: 183-162=21 Kahran d. Gert *************************************************** BORED Baltimore 21, Tennessee 20 Arizona 14, Carolina 31 Philadelphia 24, N.Y. Giants 23 San Diego 13, Pittsburgh 23 CHRIS Baltimore 13, Tennessee 10 Arizona 17, Carolina 31 Philadelphia 16, N.Y. Giants 27 San Diego 13, Pittsburgh 21 DIFF: PHI/NYG Bored d. Chris 3-2 *************************************************** DEVO Baltimore 20, Tennessee 14 Arizona 24, Carolina 28 Philadelphia 17, N.Y. Giants 24 San Diego 13, Pittsburgh 20 ROCKET Baltimore 17, Tennessee 27 Arizona 9, Carolina 30 Philadelphia 21, N.Y. Giants 30 San Diego 24, Pittsburgh 28 DIFF: BAL/TEN, AZ/CAR, SD/PIT Devo d. Rocket 3-0 *************************************************** FLY Baltimore 13, Tennessee 16 Arizona 20, Carolina 27 Philadelphia 24, N.Y. Giants 23 San Diego 17, Pittsburgh 20 STARVENGER Baltimore 17, Tennessee 24 Arizona 20, Carolina 24 Philadelphia 14, N.Y. Giants 27 San Diego 10, Pittsburgh 20 DIFF: BAL/TEN, PHI/NYG, SD/PIT Human Fly d Starvenger 3-2

Divisional Matchups: AFC: NY Jets (Gert) v. Pittsburgh (Kahran -- PM'D) Houston (Bored -- PM'D) v. Denver (C. Chris -- PM'D) NFC: San Francisco (Devo -- PM'D) v. Atlanta (Rocket -- PM'D) Washington (Human Fly -- PM'D) v. Philadelphia (Starvenger -- PM'D)

Wild-Card Weekend: (2.5) Atlanta @ Arizona (1.5) Indianapolis @ San Diego (3.5) Baltimore @ Miami (3.5) Philadelphia @ Minnesota ****************************************************************** Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 8-7-1 @ Houston Texans (Bored) 10-6 BAL: Atlanta 31, Arizona 19 Indianapolis 27, San Diego 21 Baltimore 24, Miami 21 Philadelphia 30, Minnesota 17 HOU: Atlanta 27, Arizona 20 Indianapolis 23, San Diego 20 Baltimore 21, Miami 14 Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 14 DIFF: MIA/BAL Bored defeated KingPK 2-1 ****************************************************************** Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 9-7 @ New York Jets (Gert) 9-7 JAX: Atlanta 27, Arizona 20 Indianapolis 32, San Diego 28 Baltimore 17, Miami 13 Philadelphia 27, Minnesota 21 NYJ: Atlanta 17, Arizona 27 Indianapolis 24, San Diego 20 Baltimore 16, Miami 10 Philadelphia 23, Minnesota 13 DIFF: ATL/AZ Gert defeated APO 3-2 ****************************************************************** San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 9-7 @ Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 11-5 SF: Atlanta 35, Arizona 31 Indianapolis 28, San Diego 13 Baltimore 20, Miami 14 Philadelphia 24, Minnesota 17 MIN: Atlanta 28, Arizona 24 Indianapolis 28, San Diego 31 Baltimore 24, Miami 14 Philadelphia 20, Minnesota 27 DIFF: IND/SD, PHI/MIN Devo and Danville are tied at 2-2. Level 1 Tie-Breaker: ATL @ AZ: 54 points Devo: 66, Danville, 52 (Danville wins) IND @ SD: 40 points Devo: 41, Danville, 59 (Devo wins) BAL @ MIA: 36 points Devo: 34, Danville, 38 (TIED) PHI @ MIN: 40 Points Devo: 41, Danville 47 (Devo wins) Devo wins the first tie-breaker 2-1 ****************************************************************** Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 9-7 @ Seattle Seahawks (UZI) 9-7 WAS: Atlanta 17, Arizona 27 Indianapolis 30, San Diego 24 Baltimore 23, Miami 10 Philadelphia 24, Minnesota 17 SEA: Atlanta 24, Arizona 17 Indianapolis 31, San Diego 14 Baltimore 17, Miami 14 Philadelphia 13, Minnesota 27 DIFF: ATL/AZ, BAL/MIA, PHI/MIN Human Fly beat UZI 3-0

You beat Arizona in Week 8 by a score of 8-5. In an unrelated story, Week 8 was the only time you used EPs.

From Wiki: The payoff. As a kid whose life revolved around dinosaurs, this is news to me as well. And you can't count the ichthyosaurs, plesiosaurs and mosasaurs? I say let 'em all in. And the reason I didn't take part in this draft is because if I can't have my three-horned n*gga, and I knew he was going to be taken early, then my ceratopsid posse would be without a leader.

What the King said. Thank you very much. Only thing I would add is to write on the envelope that this person no longer lives here.

If Mrs. kkk would surprise me on December 25 with one of your yuppie cars parked on our driveway with a red bow on top of the roof, I'd still rank my Atari 2600 way higher on my list of favorite holiday gifts than your overpriced junk. I can't remember when I got my first Big Wheel, but I'd put that above getting one of your cars. 11 p.m. • So my local liberal rag ran an editorial earlier this month that I just stumbled across. There's a local RIGHT-WING RADIO station that is doing a re-shuffling of its lineup. Oh Noes, the left-wing editorial board doesn't approve. I find it hilarious that the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette would comment about one-sidedness when their editorials are nothing more than a stream of never-ending hippie crap, but whatever. Basically, KDKA dumped a few hosts, brought back a long-time host and kept the station's best talker. Take it from me: Mike Pintek, Fred Honsberger and Marty Griffin is NOT an "overwhelmingly conservative" slant. Marty's a tool; I heard he's liberal but that's not why I don't listen to him -- he's an "investigative reporter" for a local television station and annoying as hell with his EVERYTHING is an OUTRAGE blather. I would put money on Pintek voting more Republican than Democrat, but he did say that, much to his regret, he voted for Fast Eddie in the 2002 governor's election. Fred has been a mainstay at KDKA for years and is a great talk-show guy. Here's the bottom line, and the Post-Gazette even admits this: That's why KDKA brought back Pintek, and that's why Honsberger still has a job at KDKA. It's business, you dipshits. What in the hell has that got to do with talk-radio programming? If we're going to go by this logic, how come the Shittsburgh Post-Gazette, along with the legions of other liberal media outlets, suddenly didn't turn conservative from 1994 through 2006 to "reflect the national political mood"? Having read the Post-Gazette from 1994-2000 and then again from 2003-2008 I can say matter-of-factly that its left-wing drivel remained the same, if not cranked up a few notches here and there. If there's one industry I want to turn to so I can learn how to make my business successful, it's the newspaper biz. Yessire. Nothing but black on those bottom lines. 9:30 a.m. • For God's sake, ESPN, can we please stop making references to the TOUGH TIMES WE LIVE IN? During yesterday's bowel games each contest had several references, and within a 5-minute span "Outside the Lines" and "Sports Reporters" also made comments. Good God. Can we move up President Hussein's Inauguration so we can all say we are living in a gilded age? 9:45 a.m. • Here's another one: "What recessionlol... blahblahblah... does Baseball need a salary cap?" Come on, Osama, make all this go away. LOL -- one of the pinheads on the panel just said now with these free agent signings the Yankees will be the top story of this upcoming baseball year. The Yankees are ALWAYS the top story each year, no matter what they do. And the one panelist said salary cap opponents are disillusioned? Oh, no, in the next segment they are going to talk about the year that was 2008. Let's see if we more President Hussein or RECESSION~! references. LOLx2 -- some panelist said Michael Phelps was celebrating when that one guy won the relay race for Team USA, Phelps was celebrating because now that guy made him "immortal" and got him all the post-Olympic deals. I'm sure Phelps was thinking, "YAY, now I get to host Saturday Night Live." Wow, no references. Color me impressed.

Team Recaps: AFC EAST New York Jets (Gert) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-2 Record in games decided by 2 points: 3-4 Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 8-8 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-4 Notable contests: -- Lost to Seattle 9-9 in Week 1 -- Lost to Jacksonville 4-7 in Week 2 -- Lost to N.Y. Jets 4-5 in Week 9 -- Lost to Denver 6-6 in Week 16 New England Patriots (Harley Quinn) 8-8 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 2-4 Notable contests: -- Lost to Denver 4-4 in Week 7 -- Lost to Buffalo 7-8 in Week 10 -- Lost to Pittsburgh 5-8 in Week 13 -- Lost to Buffalo 8-10 in Week 17 Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 6-10 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-5 Record in games decided by 2 points: 2-3 Record in games where both teams had double-digit correct picks: 1-3 AFC NORTH Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 10-5-1 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 6-3-1 Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 8-7-1 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-6-1 Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 7-8-1 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 2-5-1 Notable contests: -- Lost to Dallas 9-11 in Week 1 -- Lost to Washington 6-7 in Week 7 -- Lost to Jacksonville 5-6 in Week 8 -- Lost to Baltimore 6-7 in Week 9 -- Lost to Denver 5-8 in Week 10 -- Lost to Philadelphia 7-9 in Week 15 Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 6-9-1 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-5-1 AFC SOUTH Houston Texans (Bored) 10-6 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-1 Record in games decided by 2 points: 7-2 Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 7-2 Record in games decided by 2 points: 1-5 Indianapolis Colts (Alfdogg) 6-10 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-4 Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 3-11-2 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 1-6-2 AFC WEST Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 10-6 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 6-4 Kansas City Chiefs (BX) 8-8 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-4 Notable contests: -- Lost to New England 8-11 in Week 1 -- Lost to Atlanta 6-7 in Week 3 -- Lost to Denver 7-8 in Week 4 -- Lost to Buffalo 7-9 in Week 11 San Diego Chargers (909) 7-9 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-5 Notable contests: -- Lost to Carolina 8-8 in Week 1 -- Lost to Denver 6-8 in Week 2 -- Lost to Buffalo 5-7 in Week 7 -- Lost to Kansas City 7-10 Week 10 -- Lost to Pittsburgh 5-6 in Week 11 -- Lost to Atlanta 7-12 in Week 13 -- Lost to Kansas City 6-7 in Week 15 Oakland Raiders (Smues) 5-11 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-7 NFC EAST Philadelphia Eagles (Starvenger) 12-4 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 6-3 Record in games decided by 2 points: 4-1 Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-4 Dallas Cowboys (Hawk) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-2 Record in games decided by 2 points: 2-2 Notable contests: -- Lost to Philadelphia 5-6 in Week 2 -- Lost to Washington 5-8 in Week 4 -- Lost to N.Y. Giants 7-9 in Week 9 -- Lost to San Francisco 7-9 in Week 12 -- Lost to Seattle 7-8 in Week 13 -- Lost to Pittsburgh 4-9 in Week 14 -- Lost to N.Y. Giants 6-9 in Week 15 New York Giants (Cartman) 7-9 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-3 Notable contests: -- Lost to Seattle 4-7 in Week 5 -- Lost to San Francisco 5-8 in Week 7 -- Lost to Pittsburgh 4-5 in Week 8 -- Lost to Philadelphia 6-10 in Week 10 -- Lost to Baltimore 7-9 in Week 11 -- Lost to Philadelphia 7-9 in Week 14 -- Lost to Carolina 8-8 in Week 16 -- Lost to Minnesota 7-8 in Week 17 NFC NORTH Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 11-5 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-3 Detroit Lions (Chazz) 8-8 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 1-3 Notable contests: -- Lost to Atlanta 7-10 in Week 1 -- Lost to San Francisco 6-7 in Week 3 -- Lost to Minnesota 2-7 in Week 6 -- Lost to Houston 6-6 in Week 7 -- Lost to Washington 4-6 in Week 8 -- Lost to Jacksonville 7-8 in Week 10 -- Lost to Carolina 8-8 in Week 11 Green Bay Packers (VX) 7-9 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-3 Record in games decided by 2 points: 3-4 Record in games decided by 3 points: 0-2 Notable contests: -- Lost to Minnesota 6-8 in Week 1 -- Lost to Dallas 6-8 in Week 3 -- Lost to Houston 7-9 in Week 14 -- Lost to Jacksonville 6-8 in Week 15 Chicago Bears (Agent of Oblivion) 5-11 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-3 NFC SOUTH Atlanta Falcons (Rocket) 13-3 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-2 Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less through From Weeks 1-8: 4-0 Record in games decided by 1 point or less through From Weeks 10-17: 4-4 Notable contests: -- Lost to Minnesota 3-11 in Week 3 -- Lost to Kansas City 4-10 in Week 5 -- Lost to Atlanta 8-9 in Week 12 -- Lost to Denver 6-7 in Week 15 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Agent Bond) 7-9 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-6 Notable contests: -- Lost to Atlanta 6-11 in Week 2 -- Lost to Denver 2-3 in Week 5 -- Lost to Carolina 7-8 in Week 6 -- Lost to Dallas 7-7 in Week 8 -- Lost to Kansas City 7-8 in Week 9 -- Lost to Minnesota 5-8 in Week 11 -- Lost to Detroit 6-10 in Week 12 -- Lost to Atlanta 5-6 7-7 in Week 15 New Orleans Saints (Brooklyn Zoo) 6-10 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-4 NFC WEST Seattle Seahawks (UZI) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 5-4 San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 9-7 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 4-2 Record in games decided by 2 points: 4-4 St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 6-10 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-7 Notable contests: -- Lost to Philly 7-8 in Week 1 -- Lost to Washington 2-3 in Week 6 -- Lost to Seattle 5-5 in Week 15 -- Lost to Atlanta 7-7 in Week 17 Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 6-10 Record in games decided by 1 point or less: 3-5

PF Scores: Total number of correct picks. 135 (1st) Atlanta Falcons (Rocket) 133 (2nd) New England Patriots (Harley Quinn) 127 (3rd) Philadelphia Eagles (Starvenger) 126 (4th) Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 124 (5th) Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 121 (6th) Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 120 (7th-10th) Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) Houston Texans (Bored) Kansas City Chiefs (BX) Seattle Seahawks (UZI) 119 (11th-12th) Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) Detroit Lions (Chazz) 118 (13th-14th) New York Jets (Gert) Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 117 (15th) Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 116 (16th-19th) Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) Dallas Cowboys (Hawk) New York Giants (Cartman) Green Bay Packers (VX) 115 (20st-22nd) Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) Oakland Raiders (Smues) Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 114 (23th-24th) Chicago Bears (Agent of Oblivion) San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 112 (25th) Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 111 (26th) Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 110 (27th) Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 109 (28th) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Agent Bond) 108 (29th) Indianapolis Colts (Alfdogg) 105 (30th-32nd) San Diego Chargers (909) New Orleans Saints (Brooklyn Zoo) St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) *********************************************************** PA Scores: Total number of correct picks against you. Think of this as a "strength of schedule." 135 (1st) Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 129 (2nd) Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 126 (3rd) Chicago Bears (Agent of Oblivion) 125 (4th-5th) Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) Oakland Raiders (Smues) 124 (6th) Green Bay Packers (VX) 123 (7th) Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 122 (8th) New York Giants (Cartman) 121 (9th) Dallas Cowboys (Hawk) 120 (10th-11th) Houston Texans (Bored) Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 119 (12th-14th) Baltimore Ravens (King PK) Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) Indianapolis Colts (Alfdogg) 118 (15th-17th) New England Patriots (Harley Quinn) Kansas City Chiefs (BX) New Orleans Saints (Brooklyn Zoo) 116 (18th) Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 114 (19th) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Agent Bond) 113 (20th-22nd) Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) Seattle Seahawks (UZI) St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 112 (23rd) San Diego Chargers (909) 111 (24th-26th) New York Jets (Gert) Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 110 (27th) Philadelphia Eagles (Starvenger) 108 (28th) Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 107 (29th) Detroit Lions (Chazz) 105 (30th-31st) Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 103 (32nd) Atlanta Falcons (Rocket) *********************************************************** Power Rankings: A useless stat, but I get to use + and - symbols. I subtract PF-PA for this number. +32 (1st) Atlanta Falcons (Rocket) +17 (2nd) Philadelphia Eagles (Starvenger) +15 (3rd) New England Patriots (Harley Quinn) +13 (4th) Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) +12 (5th) Detroit Lions (Chazz) +7 (6th-9th) New York Jets (Gert) Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) Seattle Seahawks (UZI) +5 (10th) Washington Redskins (Human Fly) +4 (11th-12th) Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) +3 (13th) San Francisco 49ers (Devo) +2 (14th-15th) Baltimore Ravens (King PK) Kansas City Chiefs (BX) =0 (16th) Houston Texans (Bored) -4 (17th-18th) Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) -5 (19th-20th) Dallas Cowboys (Hawk) Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Agent Bond) -6 (21st-22nd) Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) New York Giants (Cartman) -7 (23rd) San Diego Chargers (909) -8 (24th-25th) Green Bay Packers (VX) St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) -9 (26th) Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) -10 (27th) Oakland Raiders (Smues) -11 (28th-29th) Indianapolis Colts (Alfdogg) Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) -12 (30th-31st) Chicago Bears (Agent of Oblivion) Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) -13 (32nd) New Orleans Saints (Brooklyn Zoo)

Final Standings AFC EAST (4) New York Jets (Gert) 9-7 < PF: 118, PA: 111, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 3-3 > Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 8-8 < PF: 120, PA: 116, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 4-2 > New England Patriots (Harley Quinn) 8-8 < PF: 133, PA: 118, AFC: 5-7, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 3-3 > Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 6-10 < PF: 126, PA: 135, AFC: 5-8, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 2-4 > AFC NORTH (1) Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 10-5-1 < PF: 115, PA: 108, AFC: 7-4-1, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 3-2-1 > (6) Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 8-7-1 < PF: 121, PA: 119, AFC: 6-5-1, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-3 > Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 7-8-1 < PF: 117, PA: 113, AFC: 7-4-1, NFC: 0-4, DIV: 4-2 > Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 6-9-1 < PF: 115, PA: 119, AFC: 5-6-1, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 1-4-1 > AFC SOUTH (3) Houston Texans (Bored) 10-6 < PF: 120, PA: 120, AFC: 7-5, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 5-1 > (5) Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 9-7 < PF: 116, PA: 120, AFC: 7-5, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 2-4 > Indianapolis Colts (Alfdogg) 6-10 < PF: 108, PA: 119, AFC: 5-7, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 3-3 > Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 3-11-2 < PF: 119, PA: 125, AFC: 2-8-2, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 2-4 > AFC WEST (2) Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 10-6 < PF: 112, PA: 105, AFC: 8-4, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 4-2 > Kansas City Chiefs (BX) 8-8 < PF: 120, PA: 118, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 4-2 > San Diego Chargers (909) 7-9 < PF: 105, PA: 112, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 2-4 > Oakland Raiders (Smues) 5-11 < PF: 115, PA: 125, AFC: 5-7, NFC: 0-4, DIV: 2-4 > NFC EAST (2) Philadelphia Eagles (Starvenger) 12-4 < PF: 127, PA: 110, AFC: 4-0, NFC: 8-4, DIV: 3-3 > (5) Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 9-7 < PF: 110, PA: 105, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 8-4, DIV: 3-3 > Dallas Cowboys (Hawk) 9-7 < PF: 116, PA: 121, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 2-4 > New York Giants (Cartman) 7-9 < PF: 116, PA: 122, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 5-7, DIV: 4-2 > NFC NORTH (3) Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 11-5< PF: 124, PA: 111, AFC: 4-0, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 4-2 > Detroit Lions (Chazz) 8-8 < PF: 119, PA: 107, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 4-2 > Green Bay Packers (VX) 7-9 < PF: 116, PA: 124, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 3-3 > Chicago Bears (Agent of Oblivion) 5-11 < PF: 114, PA: 126, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 3-9, DIV: 1-5 > NFC SOUTH (1) Atlanta Falcons (Rocket) 13-3 < PF: 135, PA: 103, AFC: 4-0, NFC: 9-3, DIV: 5-1 > Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 9-7 < PF: 111, PA: 123, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 4-2 > Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Agent Bond) 7-9 < PF: 109, PA: 114, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 5-7, DIV: 2-4 > New Orleans Saints (Brooklyn Zoo) 6-10 < PF: 105, PA: 118, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 3-9, DIV: 1-5 > NFC WEST (4) Seattle Seahawks (UZI) 9-7 < PF: 120, PA: 113, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 5-1 > (6) San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 9-7 < PF: 114, PA: 111, AFC: 1-3, NFC: 8-4, DIV: 3-3 > St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 6-10 < PF: 105, PA: 113, AFC: 1-4, NFC: 5-6, DIV: 3-3 > Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 6-10 < PF: 118, PA: 129, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 3-9, DIV: 1-5 >