kkktookmybabyaway

1 p.m. • I have joked in the past that a baby who survives a Planned Parenthood vacuum is a failed abortion. Wow, was I right. You know, you could always put the kid up for adoption, you dumb bitch. And now that this has gone public, I can't wait until this kid heads off to school. The schoolyard teasing will be the stuff of legend. I wonder if she at least got her money back from this procedure? 9 a.m. • This stuff just writes itself. Maybe OJ's sperm would move quicker if a woman's egg was a bucket of fried ch... Nah, way too easy. 7 a.m. • You know what sucks about being an adult (in age, if not in mind)? All those ... responsibilities. On Monday, the better half's father went to the hospital because he felt dizzy and was throwing up early that morning. He stayed overnight and yesterday Mrs. kkk and I paid him a visit. When we were there a doctor said that his tests came back fine (for an obese, 60-something smoker) and that he would be free to go. Of course, this meant we had to wait more than an hour for someone else to give him a piece of paper that would sign him out. After taking him home, it was time to do our Tuesday grocery shopping. When the last item was stocked in the fruit celler, it was 10 p.m. I then thought, "Yay, now I get to go back to work in eight hours." Oh well. It could be worse. I could have children. • Oh boy, my local morning RIGHT-WING RADIO guy just said, "we'll talk more about the Scooter Libby trial in the next hour." Guess I'll be listening to music until Boortz comes on in 90 minutes.

Somebody wanted a free TV or felt the need to burn down the corner market run by a Korean family? Oh, and "organized anarchists" always gets a laugh out of me.

1:15 p.m. • Oh no, Scooter Libby has been busted for outing a covert CIA agent... ...or lying or somthing. That ought to show how much I paid attention to this story. 9:15 a.m. • Get the hell out of here. Massive heart attack? Well I wouldn't think it'd be a "small" heart attack.

Because then they'll spread even quicker to my happy suburbs.

6:30 p.m. • So Ann Coulter said something wacky again, this time questioning the sexuality of the pretty boy, err, John Edwards. Apparently, being a bit on the prissy side qualifiies someone as being a "faggot." Odd, I would have questioned his pitching/catching status based on his wife. I mean, when compared to Elizabeth Edwards, Arianna Huffington looks like a trophy wife. • Scottie Pippen wants to play again in the NBA. When it comes to athletes, I’m a pretty apathetic guy. I don’t generally despise pro athletes, but there are three I can’t stand. One is Barry Bonds. The other is Racist Dusty. The third is Pippen. Just so long as Pippen doesn’t have to play the final 1.8 seconds of a close game, I’m sure he’ll do well in Tinseltown. 2:30 p.m. • Looks like the Pens might be headed to Kansas City. Ha. I so can't wait until a new arena gets built and there's no hockey team to fill it up 40+ times per year. • Here’s why I love Neal Boortz. Earlier on his show today he goofed on those “My child is an *insert school name* Honor Student.” He said the only thing that bumper sticker shows is that you have the audacity to put your kid in a government school. Awesome. • I heard earlier today that some chick popped out a kid at the Quickie Mart I used to work at. Thank God I wasn’t there for that; childbirth assisting was never in any job description of mine.

4 p.m. • One of the bigger surprises this NFL off-season, according to the “experts” at ESPN is the Steelers cutting linebacker Joey Porter. I was a bit taken back by this, too, although for a different reason. I knew Porter wasn’t going to be a Steeler for long, but I thought he’d finish the final year of his contract with the Steelers not resigning him for the 2008-09 season. Oh well, a new coach arrived so that means clean house, which isn’t a bad idea. Take it from me. Anytime you get into a position of authority, the first thing you should do, if you have the chance, if fire your predecessor’s secretary/assistant/etc. The reason for this is that no matter what you try to do to change your job/department in order to make it more efficient or perform better, you will be fought tooth and nail because “that’s not the way *insert predecessor’s name* did it,” and if you have nutless upper management, you are going to be in a world of hurt. Porter was an emotional guy and I’m sure the potential for trouble was a thought for the new Steeler coach Mike Tomlin, so I don’t blame him for wanting the cleanest slate possible when taking over a team that has had two head coaches since the late 1960s.

On a similar note, have you seen that one episode with the life-sized male sex dolls that a bunch of girls start doin'? That was weird. And they said to the creator of the doll that the balls need to be more life-like. How the hell do I remember that?

9 p.m. • Awww, they found a long-lost relative of the triceratops. I'm such a ceratopsian mark it's not even funny. And who's the perv that drew this? (Note the babies toward the bottom left.) • And speaking of dinosaurs, anybody remember these? Alrighty then. 3 p.m. • Just saw the finale of that White Rapper show. Although I thought John Brown was better, I knew that other guy was going to win the final contest. You don’t step on stage at a club and bust some raps about fuel dependency and the Middle East. I laughed when the judges said the same thing. I love it when a person wins money on a reality show. It’s funny to see them think that winning $100,000 actually winning $100,000. Uh, buddy, you need to let Uncle Sam, the biggest pimp of them all, get his cut, too. I can’t wait to see how much is left over for this kid’s music career after he takes care of his parents and pays for his sister’s schooling. • Well, I knew this time would be coming, and I was right. As mentioned previously at this place, I’m trying to pay off quite a mountain of credit card debt that the better half brought upon herself. A little less than a year ago I pretty much took over all the household finances and got ready to deal with the $20k in credit card bills that she brought onto herself over the years. By the end of this month I see three-quarters of this debt getting paid off. One problem I feared by taking over the finances was that after awhile Mrs. kkk would start spending money on unnecessary items. And I was right. I mentioned a little while ago that she got me a recliner for our anniversary (despite the fact our anniversary isn’t until June). When I asked her how she was paying for this she said that she was paying it off with the $40 weekly stipend she gets for spending on whatever she wants. Fair enough. But over the last few days she has started buying other stupid shit, and last night I asked her where the money was coming from for these purchases. That didn’t go over well. Too bad. She countered by sleeping on the guest bed last night. I guess that is supposed to show me the error of my ways: I had to make do with sleeping by myself on a queen-sized bed rather than only half of the bed (and that’s not counting whenever the cats hop up with us and stake out their own territory). Gee, I hope she’s still not mad later tonight.

I need to start reading threads before posting in them.

6:30 p.m. • Wait a second, so a government school does nothing when several kids make fun of a Mormon student’s religion, but when she responds to them by saying, “that’s so gay” she's the one who gets in trouble? Good God, I can’t imagine what would have happened to me and some of the shit I used to say. And this reason… …doesn’t cut it. Sorry, but what the government school did was … well, gay. I miss the good ol' days when you could play "smear the queer," and it wouldn't be considered a hate crime. • Speaking of gay, I saw PTI had the gay ex-NBA baler. Well, he probably still is a baller, but not the way he did back during his playing days. Anyway, it was funny to hear that interview only to hear this story later on in the show. And many pro athletes are worried about teammates sporting boners in the shower room?

Beautifullest was decent enough -- is he out of jail yet?

I have homeowner's insurance. If the cats are safely out, let it burn to the ground. Well, I might go in for my sports cards. They're all in a storage box on the first floor in my closet, so there would be time.

8 p.m. • I'm shocked ... SHOCKED that Santorum wasn't brought on as a CNN or MSNBC or cBS analyst. Oh dear God no. Rick, you're my n*gga and all that, but please don't be the token Jesus freak candidate in the '08 GOP primary. I know you're all about the lord and stuff, but just talk on television a lot and get paid well for your services. 7 p.m. • I don’t know why this story prompted me to think back to an incident dating back to my high school days. I think it has to do with the one person hiding in a garbage can. It was a Friday night and I had six friends over: Don, Jeff, Bryce, Greg, Matt and Kurt. Nothing exciting was going on; we were just playing Joe Montana Football on the Genesis when suddenly a few of us got in the mood to play football outside. Myself, Don, Jeff, Bryce and Greg went out. Did I mention that it was 2 a.m.? We didn’t think this was a big deal. We were wrong. As we were playing some two-on-two with Greg being the quarterback for both teams, about 10 minutes went by when we suddenly saw these bright lights coming right at us, most likely from an officer of the law. We did the most sensible thing we could at that moment – run back into the house. The five of us headed to the backdoor and thought if we just kept quiet the police car would just go on its merry way. Bryce, Don and Greg went upstairs while Jeff and I stayed in the basement/game room. Someone from upstairs then said, “kkk, there’s a police car parked in front of your house.” That was about the time when I noticed someone shining a flashlight through the back door. The cop then opens the door and walks in. Jeff suddenly puts his hands in the air and the officer is telling all of us to go upstairs. It was at that time when I got upstairs that I noticed Bryce trying to act like he was asleep the whole time. He still had his shoes and jean jacket on with a FOOTBALL tucked under his arm. He was also shaking from the cold (this was around October/November), and as we all gathered in the living room, he muttered to Don, “I’m asleep.” In a memory that will stay with me even when Alzheimer’s takes every other image, Don smacks him on the head and says, “Get the fuck up asshole.” Matt and Kurt, who didn’t go out with us, were just waking up from their slumber and had no idea what the hell was going on. Their reactions were amusing, to say the least. As the officer began asking us what we were doing, it was actually refreshing to honestly answer “no” to the question, “Were you drinking?” When asked why we ran, I think the collective answer was something like, “Because we’re idiots.” The officer believed us and brought in another cop who was waiting for us on a nearby street in case we had taken off in that direction. As they left, the said something like, “Next time you want to play football at 2 in the morning, give us a call and we’ll show you how the game is played.” We spent the next hour or two laughing about this and considering some of the other dumbshit I used to do, this was a funny story. Because I was a latch-key kid, my mom really didn’t care what I did. However, her one rule was, “I better not have the cops show up.” So you can imagine my horror whenever those law enforcement walkie-talkers were blaring in living room while the matriarch of the house slept in her upstairs bedroom. 3 p.m. • So Fast Eddie said on SORTA RIGHT-WING RADIO today that even though he wants to raise the state sales tax, he's not really raising taxes, since he will "offset" this with property tax reductions. The same reductions he's been talking about since getting elected to a first term. And you people voted him in ... TWICE! Oh well, I guess this is how liberals feel about W. Then again, he was only voted in ... ONCE!! Thank you, Karl Rove and near-blind Jew voters.

4:15 p.m. • Well I just had the shortest pre-screening interview of my life. “Do you know Photoshop?” “Yes. “Do you know Illustrator?” “Yes.” “Do you know Quark?” “Yes.” “Do you know how much pay this job offers?” “Yes.” We’ll be holding interviews shortly.” “Uh, OK.’ I knew I should have said “No” for that third question. Damnit. • Do it, for the CHILDREN! I remember back in the mid-90s when Republicans acted like they cared about limited government, liberals threw a shitfit because a reduction in increased spending on ANY government program would hurt, even kill, “the children.” I love it when “the children” card is played. How about we just call “outer space” any place outside of the United States? • I thought you put your kid in private school to get away from this kind of hippie shit. At least I now know where Smitty teaches. • Yeah, let’s wait a year and see how these two act next to each other.

Well of course, those kids got it from their parents.

• So this morning I was listening to some RIGHT-WING RADIO and the guy was talking about some hippie enviro-weenine story – I think it was an op-ed from the Rocky Mountain News. Anyway, the writer referred to the EricMM’s of the world as an enviro-melon: Green on the outside, Red on the inside. I don’t know how long that joke has been in existence but goddamn that was funny. • Well shit, now I can sleep more soundly at night knowing this: I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about a former poster, but I’ll leave that up to the people here who hate freedom and liberty. • You know, for as much as I hate the health nazis, I have to side with them on this point. I’m all about providing as much information as possible when it comes to nutritional information. Of course, the next step these fast-food fascists want is to outright ban value meals and stuff, but that’s another topic for another day. • Damn, I knew government was slow and all, but W. is now just getting around to talking with last year’s NBA champs? Oh, and Wade should have the season-ending surgery. You have nothing to prove; rehab your shoulder from that freak injury and don’t possibly piss away the rest of your career.

8 p.m. • God I love Drudge. Where else can you find hard-hitting journalism like this? • So I heard a little while ago that some hippie zookeeper in Denver got killed by a jag -- the animal, not the car. OMG a WILD ANIMAL would KILL a HUMAN? Shocking. But wait, it gets DEEPER! There are so many jokes in the five paragraphs above that I don't know where to begin. My favorite, though, is the headline to this story: Killer Jaguar Had Mean Twin Named Osama "Killer" Jaguar. What do you think a Jaguar is -- a pacifist? 2:30 p.m. • The Oscars were last night? No shit. Martin Scorsese finally won. Uh, yay, and stuff. Al Gore won for his Global Warming shit-fest? Wow, I'm surprised. With him and the Dixie Terrorists both winners in '06 I'm stunned, simply stunned. Good thing Al did air his documentary 30 years ago, or the intellectual elites hell-bent on ridding the world of global cooling would have laughed at him. • LOL -- forever stamps? Too bad enough smart people will buy these things in bulk and wait until the price of postage really spikes. This got a laugh out of me. Yeah, and your union costs have nothing to do with your bloated expense reports. I used to defend the post office a number of times, but ever since I had to start dealing with them more often my tolerance has grown less and less. My highlight came when I got a piece of postage returned because they couldn't determine whether an address number was a "5" or "6." OK, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt: you couldn't tell the difference (even though you can). However, there was also another 5 and 6 on this package, and just by taking five seconds out of your busy schedule, you could have found out. Also, you could always have checked to see the residence of each address and find out which name went with each address.

The only worthwhile line from all those Geico caveman ads comes in the one with the shrink where the guy takes a phone call and say's "It's my mother, I'll put it on speaker." The fact people are able to pay their bills by producing crap like this makes me legit angry.

2 p.m. • Well this morning on ESPN I saw Stephen Smith talking NASCAR with Tim Cowlishaw. It was an … interesting … moment. • Oh, this should be interesting. I bet Serbia is going to get a really nasty letter from the U.N. letting them know how mad that faceless governing body is at them. And of course they're going to convict -- think the U.N. wants a bunch of angry Muslims declaring jihad? Well, at least a bunch of angry Muslims (sorry for being redundant) declaring jihad on them?

I know we talked about these before, but recently I heard one where a "white boy" was trying to get into a black fraternity, or something like that. And "More Ovaltine Please" and "Tell them about the discount" are high on my list, too. At least Ad Council spots make me laugh.

11 p.m. KKK's Top 103 Posters Number 39: Dames The former head guy at this place, I never had a problem with Dames. In fact, the only “drama” we ever had was after kkk Bowl I when I posted a picture of Janet Jackson’s tit as a reward for Gert T’s championship run (I got a PM from him telling me it was NSFW). Did I bitch and moan about having my creative freedom squashed? Did I post several pictures of spiders, hoping to scare away this little Hitler? No. I simply took the picture down and said “Oops. I thought it was acceptable.” If memory serves, this former Big Apple resident went to Connecticut for some sales job and was doing better for himself. Hopefully, he’s doing OK. Sure during the Dames era there was a bit of craziness, but that’s part of the charm of this little corner of the Internet. And, like it or not, without Dames, we wouldn’t be here today showing fellow posters pictures that we like, bitching about the latest RAW broadcast or saying how much this place sucks. And now a word or two from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed. From SFA Jack: From Cancer Marney: 10:15 p.m. • Damn Republicans. If fathers of certain governors weren't Nazi loyalists, they had five wives more than 100 years ago. Uh, OK. So if Mitt gets elected we could have First Ladies? At least Barney Frank isn't running for the White House. • AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Seriously, I hate these fucking things. Yeah, we took your land and brought you over on ships several hundred years ago. Our bad. You know why we did all this shit? Because we could. Humans are fucked up. What do you want me to do about it? But hey, we said we're sorry, so it's all good now. 10 p.m. • OK, so today was my grandma’s funeral. Yesterday at the viewing, I told my old man that if he needs me to be a pallbearer then all he has to do is say so. Seeing how grandma had 20+ grandchildren, several great-grandchildren and one great-great grandchild, I could understand how it might be difficult to whittle the list down to a half-dozen. I figured that since he was handling all the arrangements, this might help him out a bit. When planning large-scale family events, you tend to overlook a number of things. By letting him know I would be ready to help in any way and all he’d have to do is just let me know. Well, last night he asked me to be a pallbearer. No problem, or so I thought. Today, we had SEVEN pallbearers. But that’s not the best part. Right after the funeral service took place at the cemetery, he singles me out and starts bitching because I … are you ready? You sure? Postitive? OK, you’ve been warned. He started bitching because I DIDN’T WEAR A TRENCHCOAT. (Or was it overcoat? Eh, I can’t remember.) I was stunned, especially since he did this while other relatives were still around me. My response: Well since I disgraced the family I guess I’ll just go straight home (there was a wake-thingy event at a local restaurant to take place after the services). Let’s just say it’s going to be quite a while before I feel like speaking to this man again. Oh, and for the record, the other six (!?) pallbearers didn’t dress in this requested garb either. I think it’s now relevant to mention that this is the same person who, when I informed him shortly before my wedding that I didn’t receive any RSVPs from his list, said to me “well, they don’t respond to those things.” Needless to say the look on Mrs. kkk’s face when my stepmother called the day after the guest list had to be finalized and said, “Is it too late to invite anyone?” Oh, and about one-fourth of those people that were “invited late” either no-showed or gave their invitation/reservation to someone else. And people wonder why I stay away from my family as much as possible.

If I ever see someone go "OMG FAUX NEWS..." on some stand-up special, you'll be in a world of hurt.

9 p.m. KKK's Top 103 Posters Number 40: Alfdogg He's a decent enough mod for me, and he helped out during the most recent kkk Bowl IV season. In fact, I think he handled it better than me -- want a job based at TSM with no pay? Wait, you already have one. Shit. And now a word from the expert panel I've assembled to comment on the people I've listed. From Lovecraft: • Thank Christ he lost. Now I don't have to hear the debate as to his "win streak" is legit because he lost in non-PGA events during this time. 7:15 p.m. • Wow, I didn't see this coming. Get it? "Didn't see this coming"? They're blind. OMGROTFLMAO~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I'm pathetic. Actually, this brings me back to a memory back in my theater employment days. You see, there was this wheelchair-bound guy named Dave, and while nobody liked him, they always tolerated him. Fuck that. I treat everybody the same – poorly. One day he brought in this article about how he appeared at this public meeting to protest the government not wanting to slope curbs. I played devil’s advocate and said that if you sloped street curbs that it would be harder for blind people to figure out that they were wading out into traffic. Dave didn’t like this and tried to run me over with his wheelchair. I thought the whole thing was funny, but when my head manager heard of this he got pissed at Dave. Now I know this guy hated me, but I think his faux outrage was an excuse to avoid Dave. Hey, it gave me the chance to ignore him, too, which I took full advantage of. He later got a bunch of people to give him money for some “fundraiser,” only for it to mysteriously “disappear.” • Speaking of money vanishing, the better half’s out-of-control drug addict niece just got fired from the pizza job she worked at for less than two weeks. She was being “groomed” for a shift manager position and got into two shouting matches with other employees where the term “mother fucker” was used quite a bit, along with ending up $200 short in her drawer one night. $200. Yeah, I’m sure she put a $20 in the wrong slot in the cash register. 7 p.m. • Well, I almost got in a bit of trouble today. As I was driving in Shittsburgh during the afternoon I ran a stop sign, not giving these pedestrians the right of way. Now I could say that being in a part of town I haven’t graced my presence with, coupled with the stop sign being shielded by a dumpster, I could just say “Fuck you” to the pedestrians I came within 12 feet of running over. At a nearby stoplight I made eye contact with the motorist in the other lane, who motioned to me to roll down my window. He commented to me that those people behind me flagged a police car to pull me over. I shrugged my shoulders and said that I didn’t see the stop sign and got ready to take my medicine. When the light turned green, I made my turn. I noticed the cop car behind me, but his lights weren’t on. I pulled over to the side anyways and motioned to him to approach me. He rolled down his window and I explained that I wasn’t familiar with the area and that I missed the sign. He seemed to understand my plight and said “no problem.” Had I been going 30 miles over the speed limit, hell-bent on getting to where I was going with and not giving a crap about those in my way, then I would understand being pulled over. But when you’re driving in a city, especially on a Friday afternoon, it’s a freakin’ zoo. Whenever I’m a pedestrian in the situation, I always act like oncoming motorists haven’t seen me yet. I get that pedestrians have the “right of way,” but would you rather cede this “right” and live to walk another day, or stand up for your “rights” and fight a losing bout with a vehicle weighing much more than you?

You other sis in-law is better, and she's a LAWYER.

That's Czech? My take on religion is this. I don't care who you worship as long as: 1) You don't sacrifice my cats. 2) You can laugh when someone makes a good joke about your group.