King Cucaracha

Oh, the irony.

1) Is Scroby a wrestler? If not, can he please stop saying "in the business". Thank you in advance. 2) Why is everybody still blowing their load about Joey Styles "shooting"? He's shooting on the people who pay his wages and will continue to pay his wages. He's not about to leave. He's not wanting to leave. All he's doing is putting himself over. He proved he was a sell out by signing for Raw in the first place and yet one worked shoot smark pleasing promo later and he instantly restores his credibility? Tazz won't lose any credibility either way (and he won't, which 2a. is a dumb arguement in the first place) because obviously people are blind to everything ECW. 3) Big Show's "link" to ECW is so paper thin it's laughable that anyone's accepting it as even consolation. He's a WCW wrestler who went to the WWF, aka WWE. How does that make him ECW material exactly? 4) I'm so unenamoured with this "ECW" crap, I'm beginning to devlop near Leena like (plutonic) fanship for Randy Orton. 5) How sad is it that the only things remotely selling this PPV judging from this thread are Mick Foley (semi-retired, incapable of regular competition) and Jerry Lawler (semi-retired, announcer, 50 + years old)? 6) I didn't watch the show and watched ECW House Party '98 instead. It was a bit of a mess, but at least it was ACTUALLY ECW.

Ouch. Double ouch. Just for that, I'm gonna go start my match.

Not that I know of, but then again U.S time zones confuse me anyway. There's not a deadly strict deadline like the SWF, if that's what you mean.

I remember Final Resolution 2005 being a good show.

Oh, they showed one of the B shows on ITV through 92, 93ish. Can't remember what show but it was around the time Ron Simmons won the World Title. I remember the TV Title tournament and then it got dropped off the air soon after. WCW on 5 was fantastic. The way they covered all the weapon shots with Batman-esque graphics? Hilarious.

Man, you love your ROH. It even saves us by bringing about all those warm memories of regional wrestling. ROH, what can they not do? Eh, they can't hold a candlestick to Rip Rogers. You know who I miss? Albert. Oh wait, no I don't. I'm only 18 pushing 19 so I started getting into wrestling in probably '92, '93. But most of the stuff I saw back then were Colliseum Video tapes, being in England, so I somehow remember the late 80s fondly. I went through the Hulkamaniac phase right around the time he faded out of the wrestling scene probably. The best generation for me personally was the Attitude Era, because back then wrestling was more widely accepted. You had people speaking about it in the playground. I still remember the day after Owen died there being a huge talk about it around most of the kids my age, whereas by the time Eddie passed the reaction was minimal at best. It was 'cool' to be a wrestling fan, for once. And in terms of the product, it was a much more exciting time. The Monday Night Wars were the first time period I managed to get access to Raw and started to really get into the other avenues like ECW. If you like indy wrestling, the past couple of years have probably been the best time to be a fan, pretty much from when ECW and WCW went bust and unsigned talented started to swell up. I don't think the indies have ever had so much talent at their disposal as they have the past four, maybe five years.

I'd send you a vengeful promo if I knew who to send it to.

I rule that Toxxic be DQed automatically because he apparantly had the good sense to start before the card went up. Or he's just really fast. Either way, DQ please.

Because that skirt she wore last week just screamed "I'm a respectable teacher". That's continuity for you people.

Probably because the washed up nostalgia act botched it. Hey now, I wouldn't say he botched it. If you look back at it, the table was pretty far from the corner he was jumping from and from that distance, do you really think he, or anyone for that matter, be able to land correctly, put and hold the chair under their BUTT, all in mid-air? If anything, the table was put in the wrong place from where Sabu was suppose to jump from. Sabu was also hesitant from jumping, looked like he thought about it for a second. Problem is, in wrestling your taught something. Once you go up, you better jump and not climb back down. It would have looked really bad if Sabu climbed up the turnbuckle, looked at Cena, thought about it, climbed back down and went to another corner. Sabu went for it, he didn't hit the move correctly, but at least he went for it. Ah well, that's okay then. Can't wait for Sabu/Rey, should be awesome.

I'm in, but this is hell to navigate through.

Why is everyone so up in arms about Orton being on One Night Stand? IT'S NOT REALLY ECW! Wake up out of the blind ECW markdown people, it's not really ECW. It'll never be the real ECW, because it's dead. Orton being in "ECW" is no different to having Cena on the PPV, or Big Show on the PPV, or calling up CM Punk and making him World Champion and turning him into the biggest star in "ECW" history...IT'S NOT REALLY ECW! And anyone who thinks it is is kidding themselves. And all you're going to do is get up and arms every week when it deviates more and more from the ECW everyone's blindly expecting it to be a copy of. It's another WWE brand in an already oversaturated product. Why anyone's excited I honestly don't know.

Probably because the washed up nostalgia act botched it.

What's the deal with Ibrahimovic? People keep touting him as 'one to watch in the World Cup' and a danger man for England to worry about, but every time I've seen him play for Juve he's looked terrible. Watching Brazil against New Zealand last night, I'm a little more hopeful if we end up meeting them in the latter stages this time around. They looked vulnerable at the back from set pieces and that's where we're scoring most of our goals from at the moment.

Can't see it happening. I doubt the Italian F.A would risk dropping their two megapower teams from the top league for fear of falls in interest and/or revenue.

Phew. I was starting to get a little worried when Finlay didn't use the Shillal...the stick and gave it to the Leprechaun instead, but he came through for me eventually. They need to start giving points for catchphrases in the same way they give points for finishers. 5 points every time Michael Cole says "TV that's changing Friday nights" and that stupid Miz Hoorah crap and we'd be in the points.

Zack's continues to do a great job with the SWF infiltration build. Now if only he'd PM me like he said he would. Still no mention of Zack Jnr. either. Am I the only one who remembers it? Agreed with Tony, MMoM's match was an improvement on his earlier matches. Decent T.V match. Bruce going nuts with his promo, liked it but maybe the killfest went on just a touch too long. Just a touch though. Bruce and Alf alone could carry a Deathmatch division. Squash. I vaguely remember Gibraltar which makes me feel old, but I think it was only the comeback for War Games that I remember. Still a while ago though. Nice squash and Dominators > Judo Chops. Bruce's little skit for the S.I.T was a lot of fun. Some very funny lines and I'm interested in this evil group so much more because the promo was written with tongue slightly in cheek. Very good. "Slaveheart" was a 3 hour rushjob and I'm not sure how it turned out. Ditto The Body Shop, except it wasn't a rushjob, I just couldn't get into writing it for some reason. As Tony said, as good T.V Main Event with Alf and PRL. Could see the ending coming with the Thunderkid/PRL feud, but a good match nonetheless.

Six Man Tag Match Leon Rodez & D*LUX vs. The Beverly Hills Blonds & Gunner Sharps w/Mackenzie DeCenzo, Crystal and Jade Rodez EDIT: Actually, if we're in Canada, Crystal might be strangely absent.

That looks more like something Booker would wear during a face run than a heel run. I'm not sure why. Doesn't seem like the shirt one of the top heels on your roster would wear. That DiBiase shirt is fantastic.

If Rey gets a "Stop Being Eddie" chant, I'll take back everything I've ever said negative about ECW fans. I'd also settle for "You're Not Eddie". And a "Ruck FVD" sign. Just because it's terrible.

"Let's Do The Timewarp Again"

It's just a case of writing style. Realistically the HL Match would have been in the 20:00 range of action, it's just that somebody like me tends to naturally pad out the action more with description than you or Tony or EWC, making my matches look longer than they really are. Leon/Gunner would probably have been 7 minutes max of actual action.

[COLOR=red] **JUST PRETEND THIS HAPPENED AT SCHOOL'S OUT~!** [/COLOR] COACH Hey, what was that sound...sounded like a satellite malfunction. CABOOSE Oh, shut up. COACH No, seriousl... CABOOSE Don't make me get the bat. COLE Alright folks, we're in for a treat next here at School's Out because our colleague and good friend... CABOOSE He's not your friend. Don't lie about stuff like that. Don't make me get the bat. COLE ...our good friend Jesse "The Body" Ventura is standing by and who better to get the scoop on the situation involving Christian Wright and his, presumably, former bodyguard Bohemoth. We haven't seen either man since OAOAST Syndicated where the two had a major falling out, both have been kept from the arenas and been placed on alternate house show schedules in recent weeks to prevent any conflicts. And we hope to get our first comments on the issue here tonight, from Christian Wright. So, it's over to you Jess'. [SIZE=6][COLOR=purple] '~}-THE BODY SHOP-{~' [/SIZE][/COLOR] VENTURA Michael Cole, I'm still Hollywood baby. You're not wealthy enough to be The Body's friend. COACH HA! VENTURA Ladies and gentlemen, this the Body Shop and I don't need to waste time with nicesties. I don't need to put myself over, like certain another little kid with his own little talk show that I could mention. But I'm not gonna waste time on him. It's the Body Rules and it's my way or the highway! So with that said, lets get this thing going. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight, the 2005 OAOAST Rookie Of The Year... "The Natural" Christian WRIGHT! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" [i]*BREEEAAAK!*[/i] The newly acquired theme music "Tear Away" by Drowning Pool hits as the casually attired frame of Christian Wright appears through the entrance, head held high despite the hostile reaction he's recieving. Christian looks out into the crowd with disdain (yep, I finally bought a dictionary and learnt how to spell it) and shakes his head at what he sees as he takes a detour from the ramp and down some handy steps, to where The Body Shop set has been specially set up. The fans around the stage continue to hurl abuse at CW as he shakes hands with The Body. "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" The chants start up early and Wright seems immediately flustered by them. Pacing around the set, Wright tries to focus on something other than the fans, which isn't really helping too much. VENTURA Okay Christian, before we get to the questions, first I wanna show you and these people what happened at OAOAST Syndicated. Roll the footage. [QUOTE]Grabbing a pitcher of water from the timekeeper's table, Bohemoth slides back into the ring. His partner is still down and seemingly still KOed, Nick Patrick trying to bring him back to his sense. Bo shoves Patrick away though and simply tips the pitcher of ice cold water over Christian's face, which wakes him up...and then some. Sitting up and shaking himself back to life, Wright climbs to his feet. And to say he doesn't appreciate Bohemoth's gesture would be an understatement, wiping the freezing water from his eyes and GLARING at his partner! Wet, cold and beaten, Wright runs a hand over his head as Bohemoth throws the empty pitcher away. WRIGHT WHERE WERE YOU? BOHEMOTH He hi... WRIGHT WHERE WERE YOU, WHENCE I REQUIRED YOU! YOU ABANDONED ME! COLE What the hell is Wright talking about? He was the one that got pinned! Bohemoth tries to reason with CW, trying to calm him down at the same time. "CHRIS - TIAN SUCKS!" "CHRIS - TIAN SUCKS!" "CHRIS - TIAN SUCKS!" That doesn't help. WRIGHT TIME AFTER TIME, WEEK AFTER WEEK! YOU CONSPIRE TO RUIN MY BEST LAID PLANS WITH YOUR INCEASANT INCOMPETENCE! THIS WAS TO BE OUR NIGHT! OUR CHAMPIONSHIP GLORY! AND YET, ONCE MORE, YOU'VE QUASHED MY DREAMS! YOU'VE RUINED IT! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU SATISFIED [b]*SLAP~!*[/b] "OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COLE Oh, MY! COACH Aw no Chris, what are you doin' man!?! Bohemoth reels back a step and clutches his cheek, as shocked as everyone else who's watching. Despite the slap, Wright is still raging on. Only now, he can't be heard, over the encouragement of the crowd for The Meterosexual Monster to do something about it. Running his tongue across the inside of his cheek, there's little change in Bohemoth's usual expression. Calm. Calculated. *WHAM!* "YYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" COACH NOOOOOOO!! COLE FRONT SPINEBUSTER! BOHEMOTH HAS HAD ENOUGH AND HE JUST DRILLED HIS MENTOR WITH THE FRONT SPINEBUSTER! GOOD FOR YOU BO, GOOD FOR YOU! A number of the fans are standing with their thumbs pointing south, hoping for Bohemoth to put another exclamation point on the parting of ways. But Bohemoth doesn't see them, staring down at Wright. Staring down at the man who plucked him from obscurity, trained him up...and now, disrespected...and then turns away, finally stepping out of his former partner's shadow and into the light. COLE I think we've just seen how much Bohemoth take as much as he possibly could take and finally, he's done something about Christian Wright and his disrespect! And it's about damn time too! "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" Bo leaves the ring in a very different manner than he arrived, patted on the back by the fans. Walking down the aisle, Bo doesn't turn back until he reaches the curtain, Wright still out in the middle of the ring, not seeing Bo flexing TEH GUNZ~! for his newfound fans.[/QUOTE] We come back live... "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" ...and there's the chants again. VENTURA I think the footage speaks for itself there Christian. The question I wanna know is, is this the end of the road for Christian Wright and Bohemoth as a team? "YYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" WRIGHT As you so correctly stated Mister Ventura, that particular footage does speak volumes. And after the heinous backstabbing perpetrated by my former associate, it would take considerable apology to sway my favour. VENTURA I'm gonna take that as a yes. Now, before you two had that falling out there'd been a lot of tension on both sides, because you two have been on one hell of a losing streak together. Do you think this split will be a good thing for you two or the final nail in your coffins...after all, you are the OAOAST Rookie Of The Year and you've failed to live up to that billing. Running a hand across his head, Wright is agitated by The Body's straight cutting questioning. WRIGHT Recent performances have merely been a blip on my record. My status as OAOAST Rookie Of The Year, awarded to me by the general public who secretly respect me but yet outwardly belittle my abilities I wish to remind, cannot be taken away from me, merely because of mishaps not of my doing. Need I remind you, I was proud holder of HI-YAH's World Heavyweight Championship belt and still would be to this day, where it not for Bohemoth's failure to restrain one Ms. Krista Isadora Duncan. Need I remind you Governor Ventura that I had the vaunted Love Doctors' HI-YAH World Tag Team Title reign clasped firmly within my hands, until Bohemoth bungled our attempts up by failing to recognise the rules of the contest. And need I remind you that the key ingredient of tag team wrestling is teamwork? Teamwork sorely lacking when Bohemoth left me unassisted, handicapped numerically against the combnation of The Heavenly Rockers at the aforementioned Syndicated telecast! VENTURA Woah woah woah! Lemme get this straight, Wright...you're blaming all your troubles on Bohemoth? WRIGHT I merely state this...without Bohemoth, the star of Christian Wright shall shine brighter than ever. However, the same cannot be said for my departed partner. Without a bumbling ignoramus providing my assistance I am confident that where-as this year I was awarded Rookie Of The Year, within six months I shall be under consideration for the accolade of outright Wrestler Of The Year! "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" VENTURA I dunno kid, these fans don't seem to take your point of view. I get the feeling they think that their Rookie Of The Year vote would have been better off cast for Bohemoth. "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" "BO - HE - MOTH!" WRIGHT Mere asthetics may appear more immediately pleasing to the untrained eye than technical ability, but the truth shall out. Jesse, you became reknowned for your aesthetic appearance during your successful career. But you more than anyone realise a body without brains serves no meaningful purpose. Your body did not procure you the title Governor of Minnesota. You have both significant brains and impressive brawn. VENTURA That is true. WRIGHT See, Bohemoth lacks that crucial first attribute. He lacks brains. His mental accument pales in comparison to mine. That simple fact ensures while my career shall flurish, without my brains behind him, Bohemoth shall soon become a distant memory in the minds of these people. And in our respective career, I promise you this OAOAST patrons...the ends shall justify the means. VENTURA Alright then, ladies and gentlemen, Chri... *BbwWbAhmotherfuckerLlIiiBbbEErRrAATtTeeyYyOUUurRrMmmMmMiIInNnDddDd!!* "YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Understandably Wright is shocked to hear the rather crude intro to the rather crude "Liberate" by Disturbed cues up. And, understandably, he's even more shocked as none other than his former bodyguard 'The Meterosexual Monster' Bohemoth steps out in as snappy of a suit as you're ever likely to see, adjusting his collar before jogging down the steps leading to the set. All of a sudden, Wright isn't quite so cocksure of himself at the sight of this angry six foot seven...well, bohemoth. VENTURA Well bigman, I guess you've got something to say? Panicking, Wright tries to skulk off into the background, as Bohemoth is handed a microphone by Ventura. Bohemoth smiles wryly and lowers his tinted sunglasses as he looks out at the fans. Keeping the glasses lowered, Bo turns his attentions to Wright who stands at the opposite end of the interview stage, looking around nervously for a quick exit. BOHEMOTH Unlike you, I'm a man of few words, so I'm gonna make this nice and simple. You. Me. Great Angle Bash. *PHHFFT!* "YYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" Bohemoth throws down the microphone and storms back off the set, leaving Christian to stand and watch with hands on his head despairingly. Cool as the proverbial, figurative cucumber, Bohemoth doesn't so much as give a second look back as he disappears through the curtains. VENTURA Well, that was a bit of a turn-up huh? Christian Wright challenged to a match at The Great Angle Bash by his former bodyguard Bohemoth. I've earnt my paycheck, so that's the Body Shop, back to The C Squad at ringside!

COACH Okay, we've put this off for long enough...I wanna see the video. Ned Blanchard paid his money, he deserves to have his opinion heard. CABOOSE That's democracy for you. COLE Do we really have to show this? ... COLE Okay, I'm hearing from our producers that we do. I really want no part of this. [SIZE=5][COLOR=gold]**MACKENZIE DE CENZO PRODUCTIONS** *IN ASSOCIATION WITH THE OAOAST*[/SIZE] -FINANCED BY OUR GOOD FRIEND, AXEL- [SIZE=5]*PROUDLY PRESENT*[/SIZE][/COLOR] [i]*bah, badda bahbahbah baaaaaaahhhhhhh!*[/i] [COLOR=gold][SIZE=7]~~SLAVEHEART~~[/COLOR][/SIZE] -or- [SIZE=5]"FROM JADE TO NEDDY..."[/SIZE] ------------------------------------------------------ -Sunday, May 28th 11:42 PM- If I asked you the last place you'd expect to see a HI-YAH Tag Team Title retaining celebration party, McDonalds might very well be high on your list. But that's exactly where we open as we see The Beverly Hills Blonds and Mackenzie DeCenzo lounged around one of those horrible hard plastic tables, with the rest of the tables virtually deserted. Filmed handcam style, presumably by Simon Singleton, we see Ned Blanchard on the opposite side of the table with the two HI-YAH belts sprawled out on the table. Coming into view, Mackenzie DeCenzo brushes the belts away and sets down the tray, shuffling up beside Simon. BLANCHARD Well, let's see what we have...grilled chicken salad for me. Lovely. Got to keep the diet going, even if we are celebrating. Another chicken salad, that's yours Mackie. And Simon has the Bacon Double Cheeseburger, surprise surprise. No wonder you dragged us here, you're addicted to these damn things. You realise this is two and a half hours on the exercise bike when we get back. Okay uhm, drink, drink, straws...OH, and of course, we have a very special meal for our very special guest. Sliding down the double seat, Ned moves out of the way to reveal Jade Rodez squashed up on one of the Ronald McDonald party area children's tables, doing untold damage to her spine. Cheeks stained with tears, Jade hangs her head sadly, trying to ignore the sniggering from the table beside her as a bag is dumped in front of her. BLANCHARD There we go, one Happy Meal. I hope you like raw carrots. (feigning sadness) And dry up those tears Cookie because I made sure they put the little toy in there especially for you. Now, eat up. Jade chokes back some more tears, determine not to give the patronising Ned the satisfaction. SIMON (off camera) So Ned, how about some words about the win for all our fans? BLANCHARD (turning back around) Words, words...well, what can I say really? The Beverly Hills Blonds remain undefeated and now begins a month of celebration. I can't wait, I really can't. But you know Simon, beneath this confident facade lies both worry and anxiety. I honestly don't know how I'm going to last the month. Good stamina is the calling card of a successful athlete but even a man like Ned Blanchard has his doubts. Hence the salad. We should really draw up a rotar. OAOAST commitments, general chores, extra-curricular activities, more general chores, sex sessions. SIMON (off camera) Is that legal? BLANCHARD Relax, I'm kidding. Checking Jade isn't listening, Ned leans in towards Simon. BLANCHARD (whispering) I'm not kidding. ------------------------------------------------------ -Tuesday May 2nd 2:14 PM- Flash cut to Ned Blanchard's flash bachelor pad in West L.A, which unlike most bachelor pads is actually clean. Then again, most bachelors don't have their very own slave. The camera pans around the living room to take in all the sights...the red leather couchette, the zebra print rug sat underneath the glass coffee table, the large plasma screen T.V on the wall. Oh, and the pictures on the mantle. One of a typically sour faced Krista Isadora Duncan with her arm around The Handsome Hustler at what seems to be the gates into Disneyland, one publicity photo of HollyWood and one picture of Ned's daughter Maya. Okay, tell a lie. It's Maya's ear and left arm posed off to the side of Nicole Ritchie. We pan around again to Ned Blanchard sat in his leather armchair wearing just a dark blue dressing gown and a pair of boxer shorts. Let's not go into detail. SIMON (off camera) So, how's the feeling out process been going then Ned? BLANCHARD Heh...'feeling out'. SIMON (off camera) I know, I planned it out. 'Networking' didn't seem as dirty, so I cut it. BLANCHARD Good move. SIMON (off camera) So? I tell you, you do look tired. BLANCHARD Well, the bad news is that I've had the lawyers on the phone and basically, slavery only goes so far. You'd think the government would have better things to debate than the legal rights of slaves. I don't know. Suffice to say I can't do certain things without permission. SIMON (off camera) *tuts* This country. BLANCHARD I know. But the law doesn't prohibit me from getting her to give me sponge baths. I've never been so clean. We're working out the more intimate stuff with the lawyers, but until then, as you can see the house is looking spotless. Mama Rodez, if you're watching this I want to compliment you because you taught your daughter well. She can cook, she can clean. She looks great in a French maid's outfit. I'm not sure if that's your doing but either way, I do congratulate you. SIMON (off camera) So, where's the lucky lady right now? BLANCHARD Knocking me up some lunch as we speak. Barefoot, naturally. SIMON (off camera) You're a man's man Ned Blanchard, a man's man. You think she can fix me up with something? BLANCHARD Sure...after all, there's nothing against the law about forcing her to cook for me. Well, nothing that'll see me locked up and the key thrown away at least. Wrestling contracts are wonderful things, they transcend the law to certain points that open up wonderful doors. Tell her I sent you and she'll make you whatever your heart desires. The camera and Singleton goes to leave, but Ned holds him off with a hand. BLANCHARD By the way, I got Jade to oil the hinges on the bathroom door. She usually showers about nine, half nine in the morning. SIMON (off camera) Gotcha. ------------------------------------------------------ -Tuesday May 2nd 2:18 PM- [b]*BONUS FOOTAGE*[/b] SIMON (off camera) So that's steak, medium-rare, with peppercorn sauce. Oh and while you're waiting for it to cook, I want you to sing "Sex Bomb" by Elton John. And dance. JADE Sure thing, Ned...oh, WAIT, you're not Ned and I don't have to do jack for you. Simon presumably doesn't appreciate this backchat and begins to answer back, when suddenly the kitchen door swings open to reveal Mackenzie DeCenzo. In her arms is a small (as if there's any other type) chihuahua, wearing a plaid coat and bonnet. Yeah, I know. She's Hollywood baby. The place, that is. MACKENZIE Oh, hi Jade, busy cooking are we? Good to see. I'll have some of whatever Ned's having. And open up a bottle of wine while you're there would you, I've got some good news. SIMON (off camera) Yeah? MACKENZIE I just got back from head offices and the t-shirt deal looks very prosperous indeed. So, the wine? SIMON (off camera) Oh, she only does jobs for Ned apparantly. Mackenzie snarls a little, as Jade turns to face them defiantly. MACKENZIE Really? Well, I own Ned's contract which makes me just as entitled to anything he's earnt as he is. T-shirt sales, financial bonuses, any slaves he might have won by beating upshot nobody tag teams. So, I suggest you grab the corkscrew. And open up and expensive one wouldya, because this is very, very good news. Now, I'm going to leave Honey in here with you. Try not to step either of your chubby hamhawks down on her because she's a very precious dog... (brings dog up to her face) ...aren't you? Yesyouare, ohyesyouare you'realittlecutiepieyouare! Realising there's a camera in her face, Mackenzie slowly moves the dog away from her face and refinds her place in the real world. MACKENZIE Just so you know, Honey's got a bit of a dodgy stomach and she's prone to vomiting. So, I'm going to need you to trail her around and if she leaves you any treats, try to clean them up before they make too much of a stink. Now, are we understood, or should I get Ned in here to 'explain'? JADE ...no maam. MACKENZIE Good girl. Setting down 'Honey', Mackenzie pats the dog on the head before going back out of the kitchen, merrily whistling away. Ever the astute cameraman, Simon makes sure to get the emotional shot of Jade sadly wiping a tear from her eye and reaching for the wine cooler before he too leaves. ------------------------------------------------------ -Wednesday, May 31st 10:52 AM- [i]"And two and stretch, And three and jump, C'mon, work those thighs!"[/i] Changing things up, we get a voyeuristic shot of the Blanchard living room as The Handsome Hustler is busy going through his daily workout routine. Adjusting his headband, Blanchard is sweating pretty heavily as he exhales and leans over the couch. Pointing a finger to the T.V Ned then gives a signal...which is when we first see Jade Rodez stepping into view. Looking noteably uncomfortable, Jade positions herself in front of the T.V while Ned grabs the remote and fast-forwards his fitness video. SIMON (off camera) Oh yeah, give me something to work with Neddy... Settling on the right part of the video, Ned presses play and sits himself down on the couch behind Jade. Whether she's noticed the camera or not isn't clear, but under duress, Jade joins in the workout. Stuck in a pink leotard that is admitedly a little too tight for her, Jade does a couple of star jumps, before we finally find out what's going on. [i]"Okay now ladies, touch those toes..."[/i] Jade doesn't, turning around awkwardly to Ned who signals for Jade to get on with it. And she does, giving Ned and Simon the perfect view of Jade's behind. SIMON (off camera) Ned Blanchard you're a God. Making no secret about his intentions Ned leans forward to get a closer look, ignoring Jade's obvious discomfort at being perved over as he gives the big thumbs up to Simon and the camera. At that point though, the camera moves, as Mackenzie DeCenzo pulls Simon away from the ajar door and looks to see what's going on. MACKENZIE Good God, would you look at the cellulite on those thighs. SIMON (off camera) Looks okay to me. MACKENZIE You two disgust me sometimes, you realise that? Disgusting. Remind me never to change in the same building as you ever again. SIMON (off camera) Bolting the stable door when the horse is already out I'm afraid... Mackenzie glares at the camera. SIMON (off camera) ...uhm, kidding! MACKENZIE You'd better be. (looks back into the room) Oh God...you'd best turn that thing off. SIMON (off camera) He's not, is he? Looking nautious, Mackenzie nods. SIMON (off camera) ...he's my hero. MACKENZIE Ugh. ------------------------------------------------------ -Thursday, June 1st 8:04 AM- Stood on his porch, Ned Blanchard looks into the Los Angeles sky wistfully as birds twitter away in the background. SIMON (off camera) Ned Blanchard, it's been three days and I have to say you're looking a very happy man. So, a summary for the people? BLANCHARD Well, I'm hanging in there. These stupid rules and regulations I've had to put in the contract about no prolonged physical contact without consent...really beginning to get to me, Simon, I don't mind telling you. It's a tease is all it is. A tease. So I'm having to pick my spots a little more carefully. Probably for the best, there's no telling how quickly I'd have got sick of her with no boundaries. The fun of the chase Simon, the fun of the chase. SIMON (off camera) Why do you always get philosophical around birds? BLANCHARD They sooth me. SIMON (off camera) Fair enough. Sighing, Ned turns away from the sky and back to the camera, still lounged up on the rail behind him. SIMON (off camera) You know, this could be a running thing with the camera. I'm pretty good at it. Just need a name, like 'The SiCam'. BLANCHARD Yeah, yeah, very good. Listen, we need to be getting away if we're going to make it to HeldDOWN~! on time so stick this on the end of what you've edited together and get it on a VHS. I want people to be seeing my face as I say these words. A camera's useless without an audience Simon. SIMON (off camera) True. Listen...can I sit in the back with Jade today? Just for a change. And by the way, I got a good upskirt of that blonde number last night while we were at that bar. Lighting was a little dim, but it's on the Director's Cut just incase. BLANCHARD You've done a good job with this video diary thing, so consider it done. You're a good friend and a beautiful man. The Beverly Hills Blonds embrace on the front porch, prompting a young child cycling by on his paper round to scream out "Brokeback Mountain" as he passes. Ned and Simon don't seem to hear as they break up their embrace and shake hands, before the feed finally cuts. ------------------------------------------------------ [i]-CREDITS- [b]Starring...[/b] "The Handsome Hustler" Ned Blanchard "Business Consultant" Mackenzie DeCenzo and Jade Rodez [b]Head Cameraman[/b] Simon Singleton [b]Assistant to Mr. Blanchard[/b] Jade Rodez [b]Mr. Blanchard Wardrobe Courtesy of[/b] Somewhere Very Expensive [b]Directed by[/b] Simon Singleton [b]Based on an Original Idea by[/b] Ned Blanchard[/i] "BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" COLE I...I feel sick. COACH When I grow up, I wanna be Ned Blanchard. No kidding, the guy's a stud. Fantastic! COLE Let's...let's go to something else...please.