Toxxic

So tell me, if the judges aren't judging anything now then why are they still commenting? Their opinions can make or break someone's chances. Case in point: Sharpie. People will read my promo, then read his comments and assume that he is telling the truth - that I lifted my promo straight from the SWF. They won't bother to go and check that out, because they'll assume he did. He didn't bother either. If the judges don't have any say anymore, they should stick to commenting in the Fan's Choice forum and just leave the promos be. I don't mind getting kicked out if people think my work is shit, but I don't want to get kicked out because Sharpie made a false judgement and posted it. And I respect differences of opinion and all, and I'm not saying by ANY means that I'm better than everyone else in there, I mean I like Faith's stuff and Tamu is at least good at putting things together, even if he is basically the HVille Thugg, but for Christ's sake tell me how SUGAR SHANE FUCKING PERRY can be getting 'not bad' votes for the SHIT that he writes? And 009 gets a 'not bad' comment for doing a promo that laughs at the judges for not being able to can him anymore, then does a fucking stand-up club routine? I've started this competition so I'll finish, but I honestly have no clue, NO CLUE what Sharpie and Brad use as their marking tools here. I could have followed your advice and omitted the ending with the SWF in it and they'd have still thought it was boring and crap.

Sorry. No dice. That's an awful idea. This isn't 'Mortal Kombat - the TV Series', and I don't think it should be. There might (MIGHT) be an audience for that type of thing, but you wouldn't find it, and it wouldn't be as big. I mean, you'd lose ALL the die-hards. Every single one. BUT you'd also struggle to find new fans. I mean, how do you market that? And what happened to continuity? What about the revenue they make from their back catalogue? How do you explain that Benoit used to beat people by pulling their arm out of it's socket, but now he can morph into a giant wolverine and tear their throat out (or whatever)? In terms of a business model, the WWE could probably do a lot worse than try and follow the sort of model that ROH uses. It's focused on the wrestling, you get some backstage antics and Sportz Entertainment stuff but never too much. You never have to REALLY suspend your disbelief (except for a few of the more contrived spots). For example, the Homicide/Samoa Joe fireball in 2004. Homicide thought he'd won, the referee denied it, the lights got killed and then he fireballed Joe. They never said it happened because Homicide had mystic powers, it was because he had Rocky Romero turn the lights off and he had some lighter fluid sneaked to him in those few moments of balckness. Backup plan.

So since you're not writing you've got 3.5k, right?

Toxxic entered because Tom Flesher entered him against his will - Toxxic thinks the competition is a load of crap since it's about talking instead of wrestling, and his fellow competitors are all mouth and no trousers, and wouldn't last five minutes against him in the ring. However, due to his nice little inferiority complex now he IS in he's going to try and win it.

Mine was a shade under 9k i believe, which clocks it in as the shortest PPV match I've ever done. Of course, the previous shortest was Slay Ride vs Landon, which lost...

Apparently Mak just gained access to the CC board. Atta boy. It's called a 'Rankings Match' in the card description Mike, it doesn't take a genius to work it out. AND I MUST BE SOME KIND OF GEEEENNNIIIIIIUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!! Sorry, brief Chris Card moment there...

Hey, at the start they said they DIDN'T want people talking about it like it was an actual competition. Wish they'd make up their fucking minds. And what, we're meant to have 8 MORE WEEKS or however many it is of people simply talking about how good they are? Jesus Christ, why don't they rename it the Self-Fellatio Icon?

I know. What the lot at X-Net don't seem to grasp is that it's possible to have a wrestler who is a WRESTLER and not anything else. As in, Toxxic doesn't have a dead sister who calls his name out, and hasn't killed for the mob, and isn't a preacher who lost his faith... he's just a wrestler, and so all his character development apart from his basic inferiority complex is totally tied to the fed. So I can't really RP outside of the fed. Which means it'll always look like an SWF promo. I suppose I could just have Toxxic start a fight with a big bloke every week...

I LIKE it. It's also cool that Drea remembered that Sean Davis doesn't speak in Ebonics... FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!

I'm thinking he'd be better than a mole gimmick.

Please, show some respect for e-feds. The weirdest character I remember recently was Uncle Filthy, host of a truly disturbing kids' TV show... and even that was better than a prosthetic mole (actually, Uncle Filthy was bloody funny). I tell you, most e-fed writers could do better than THIS.

[Exclusive to www.theswf.com] The screen fades up from black to reveal a figure swathed in a black cloak, the hood coming down past his eyes and shadowing his face so that only the chin and mouth are visible. He stands in what bears a vague resemblance to a control room - vague, because the ‘consoles’ are clearly made of cardboard boxes stuck together and covered with tinfoil. Behind him is a map of the world with the United States coloured in red and the words ‘We Are Here’ along with a large arrow pointing to it, whilst the United Kingdom is coloured in black with the words ‘This Country Rawks!’ scrawled underneath. The figure is leaning on the only legitimate-looking console in the room, although on closer inspection this merely proves to be the ‘world map’ control panel (complete with joysticks) from the smash-hit Capcom game ‘Streetfighter 2’. “OK Toxx, we’re running,” a Canadian accent hisses from somewhere offscreen, and the mouth underneath the hood spreads into a wide smile. “Hi there,” the distinctive British voice of the SWF World Heavyweight Champion - albeit with an uncharacteristic helping of smarm - greets the viewers, “and welcome to the humble abode of Revolution Zero. Scott Pretzler, JJ Johnson and myself have decided to let you see the innermost workings of our organisation on this one occasion in order to dispel some of the nasty, hurtful rumours that have been circulating about us. As you can see, we are not planning world domination,” Toxxic continues, waving a hand vaguely at the map behind him, “this atlas is merely used for our games of Risk! And as for the idea that we keep files on our past and future opponents, well,” the straight-edger chuckles heartily (a noise never previously heard by most audience members) as he reaches for a ring binder, “that’s a load of balderdash. Balderdash, I say!” The camera zooms in on the pages as Toxxic’s black-nailed hands flip through them, revealing mugshots of prominent SWF wrestlers like Johnny Dangerous, Landon Maddix, Spike Jenkins, Mak Francis and Wildchild - each one with glasses and moustaches drawn on in thick black marker. Meanwhile, the cameraman (presumably Scott Pretzler) can be heard to whisper “did he just say ‘balderdash’…?” “So,” Toxxic begins again, closing the file with a *snap*, “as you can imagine, it has been quite hurtful in recent weeks to hear some of the comments being passed around backstage at SWF shows, or between the fans in the audience. And as for the internet message boards and chat rooms, oh!” Toxxic’s face - what little can be seen of it - is a picture of wounded misery as he continues, “you should see the things they write about me! About us! Do these people care nothing for the guilt that wracked JJ after he tied the Insane Luchador to a tree and beat him with a kendo stick to win the Hardcore Gamer’s Championship? Do they have any idea how much dedication and effort it took Scott to deliver the Tildebang Driver to Wildchild on the steel entrance ramp? No,” the Straight-Edge Sensation sadly concludes, “these internet ‘fans’ cannot imagine the sacrifices we make for our sport. And so they call us the one word that springs to the forefront of their minds. Scott?” Toxxic asks, extending one hand to his loyal follower/cameraman. “Er… ‘fuckwits’?” Pretzler responds uncertainly. “No…” “Well, I’m not sure what chatrooms you’ve been going in,” Pretzler continues, the camera growing less steady as he continues speaking, “but that’s certainly one of the more common epithets levelled at us. Perhaps you’re thinking of ‘bastards’?” “No, not that either,” Toxxic replies impatiently. “‘Assholes’?” “No-” “‘Pricks’?” “Look-” “‘Morons’?” “EVIL!!” Toxxic roars, abruptly losing his patience. Pretzler doesn’t respond, and the World Champion begins to speak to the camera again (rather than the cameraman) with the smile oozing back across his face. “That’s right,” he says with all the mock-sincerity of a TV evangelist, “people are calling us evil. Needless to say, such an accusation chilled me to the marrow when I first heard it. ‘Evil?’ I thought to myself as I casually decapitated a passing goat, ‘surely not?’. But alas, it was true. ‘So’, I mused as I leaned on my International Megalaser of Death and Destruction,” here the Straight-Edge Sensation pats a big red button with the words ‘Do Not Press Unless You Are At Least 80% Evil’ written underneath in large letters, “‘how can I convince the fans of the SWF that I am in fact as pure as the driven snow?’. Well, I pondered this problem for some time and even used the entrails of a couple of virgins as auguries, but was eventually forced to face up to the harsh reality.” Here Toxxic’s mouth sets into a thin line - the very image of a man readying himself for the unimaginable worst. “I cannot.” The bottom lip quivers for a moment, then steadies. There will be no floodgate of emotions opening in this Hoover Dam of British restraint. “I am afraid that the backstage workers, the crowd and the internet fans have got me bang to rights,” Toxxic states sadly. “I am, in fact, truly evil. I know this now, and believe me it caused some severe soul-searching… once I had found it. But the evidence is unassailable.” With a grim finality, Toxxic raises his hands and begins counting off points. “Firstly, and possibly most heinously, I win matches on a regular basis. Clearly this can only be achieved through the favour of the Devil. It’s true,” Toxxic continues with a sad, ironic grin, “that I had once thought that it might be because I was simply better than the majority of the roster, but I now realise my fatal error in assuming it could be the result of anything else but Unholy support.” The World Champion nods his head in unhappy acknowledgement of this fact, then continues. “The rest of my crimes form an unpleasant list, but I feel that I must bring them to the light of day,“ he states as finger after finger is ticked off. “I bring pestilence to crops. I am British, which after all marks me instantly as evil in Hollywood and all surrounding areas, BUT I am also made in Taiwan. I am unable to recite the American National Anthem - in fact, I am uncertain which of the many stomach-churningly patriotic songs you persist in singing it actually is. The sun hides its face from me wherever I go. Finally, and perhaps most damningly, I own a small but growing collection of plastic bowls.” A sharp intake of breath is heard off-camera, and the camera itself suddenly jerks as it is set down on something at a slight angle. Scott Pretzler can distinctly be heard saying ‘right, that’s it - I’m leaving this stable!’ and footsteps move away. Toxxic lets out a sigh, then approaches the camera. “Remember, SWF viewers, what you have heard here,” he says in doom-laden tones. “When Mak Francis challenges for my World Title this Sunday at Battleground, he is doing more than simply wrestling for the greatest prize in the business; he is wrestling for your souls! For assuredly, should the self-proclaimed Franchise lose I will rule the world! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” The booming, extraordinarily fake laugh continues for a couple of seconds before Toxxic grips the edge of his hood and throws it back… revealing eyes that instead of the usual steel-grey are now a blood-red colour (thanks to a handy pair of coloured contacts) and two small red plastic horns glued rather unevenly to his forehead. “Look I’m evil! You can tell!” he shouts in a rather deranged manner, before suddenly calming down. A grin spreads over his face again, but this is the familiar lopsided rictus associated with the Straight-Edge Sensation. “This is wrestling, not American Gothic,” he informs the camera. “Jesus people, get a bloody grip! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!” [FADE TO BLACK. BLACK! BLAAAAAACCK!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA-]

Those were all comedy promos, right? Hmm. Well, I think I can *probably* manage something... Give me a little while here.

OK. Then don't complain when you lose to actual competition because you haven't taken our advice. You're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

IL, I swear he was only about 6'1 last time I was beating him about the Wachovia Center. He's 6'4 now... and even lighter than before. He's more like Anorexic Luchador.

Yeah. My tortoise is a luchadore tortoise. He wrestles under a mask to prevent anyone finding out that he's so athletic.

SWF WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP Toxxic (SWF World Heavyweight Champion) v. "The Franchise" Mak Francis ~Me to hold Mak down. SWF INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP Johnny Dangerous (SWF International Champion) v. Landon Maddix ~Push. I think Landon's the slightly better writer, but Johnny shows much more regularly. I want them both to engage in a bitchslap war though. MYSTERY MATCH ??? v. "Hollywood" Spike Jenkins ~I want QMM to be someone good, someone old school, someone who'll really get involved in the fed... it'll probably be Flesher coming back as a one-off to kick SPike around for no-showing. But I'll pick Spike to win in 500 words with the Ratings Crash. Come on, it's what he always does on PPVs. SWF WORLD CRUISERWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP LADDER MATCH Wildchild (SWF World Cruiserweight Champion) v. "The Critic" Scott Pretzler ~Stable pride says Pretzler. If he really goes for it, he might just do it too. SINGLES MATCH Lil' Buck v. Lord David ~Li'l Buck owns you. Yes, even you David. SWF HARDCORE CHAMPIONSHIP JJ Johnson v. Insane Luchadore ~J3 biznitches. RANKINGS MATCH "Urban Legend" Todd Cortez v. Ejiro Fasaki ~I'm liking this match whichever way it goes. I think Ejiro might just edge it out though. SWF INTERNATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP #1 CONTENDERSHIP Jay Hawke v. Manson ~I'll play safe and say Manson, since we don't know whether Hawke will have time to write. BAR ROOM BRAWL Arch Griffon v. Mohammed Koran ~DOUBLE TURN!!

Oh stop it, you crazy old people. And incidentally, what was with IL gaining about 3 inches before his comeback this time? Are you channeling Rane, or what?

A Mexican tortoise with a gun.

OK... when we say 'Rules: None' do we mean that it's No-DQ? Or are we talking straight singles?

^ Here's your next main-eventer, people.

Sometimes I wonder what the fuck you lot are going to do for a reliable main-eventer once I retire Toxxic. And if nothing else, I'm living proof that you can get massive success and hold down the rest of the card (hey, why deny it any more?) not through being a great writer, but just by being consistent.

Well, Judge was face last time we saw him so I'm not sure it'd be him...

Er... what? Why would Mak be in Martial Law? He tagged with Landon once vs me and Sean, but that was only because they were two main-event faces.

Come on Spike, like Flesher said, it's not like everyone's talking about another match. We're just talking about shit, as usual. We're all interested to see who wins. I certainly am. How else am I supposed to know who's arse to kick on Sunday?