Deep Thoughts By Jack Handy

[MrRant]

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.

[The Amazing Rando]

One day, while walking through the woods, I found a human skull. Immediately I called the police, and then I sat there wondering what it must have been like for that guy to have antlers.

 

 

Something like that... though the Disneyland one is tops for me, as well.

[MrRant]

I'm glad Rando gets the thread.

 

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

[UseTheSledgehammerUh]

If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.

[Guest Frank_Nabbit]

If you're in the war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw on of those little baby-type pumpkins.  Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade.

[MrRant]

I guess we were all guilty, in a way. We all shot him, we all skinned him, and we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob."

[redbaron29]

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis

[CanadianChris]

It takes a big man to cry. It takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.

[Youth N Asia]

something along the lines of

 

Everyone laughed at grandpa when he left that morning with his fishing pole. But no one was laughing when he came home with a hooker

[Boon]

At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?" and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.

[redbaron29]

As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.

[the max]

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

[Crimson Platypus]

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

[CanadianChris]

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

[CanadianChris]

OK, that's scary...

 

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.  And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

[redbaron29]

If I ever went to war, instead of throwing a grenade, I'd throw one of those small pumpkins. Then maybe my enemy would pick up the pumpkin and think about the futility of war. And that would give me the time I need to hit him with a real grenade.

[Skywarp!]

If you're ever walking next to a river of lava, and you drop your keys, just let 'em go man, 'cause they're gone.

[Henry Spencer]

I guess I kinda lost control, because in the middle of the play I ran up and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to help illustrate one of the human emotions, which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when you kill someone for money, or something like that. Another emotion is generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid puppet.

[CanadianChris]

Have you ever seen a child, on his way to school, have a car drive past and splash him, and then he just stands there and thinks if he should just go to school or go home and change and be late... and then I drove past and splashed him again!

[Ripper]

If I lived back in the wild west days, instead of carrying a six-gun in my holster, I'd carry a soldering iron. That way, if some smart-aleck cowboy said something like "Hey, look. He's carrying a soldering iron!" and started laughing, and everybody else started laughing, I could just say, "That's right, it's a soldering iron. The soldering iron of justice." Then everybody would get real quiet and ashamed, because they had made fun of the soldering iron of justice, and I could probably hit them up for a free drink.

[Gary Floyd]

I'd rather be rich than stupid

[Gary Floyd]

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

[Ripper]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear

[Jericholic82]

When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I love that one.

[JJ Johnson]

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

[the max]

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

[JJ Johnson]

The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.

[Guest Stunt Granny]

One day I was walking through the forest when a man came up to me with shackles on him. He told me he'd just escaped from prison and if I didn't go home and get him a saw he'd kill my entire family. I wonder whatever happened to that guy.

[Vyce]

Wanna know what scares me?  I'll tell you:  a feather.  That's right, a feather.  Why am I afraid of a feather?  That's an honest question, and I'll try to give an honest answer.  First of all: did I mention it's a poison feather?

[the max]

Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.

 

If you're a Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys, let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say, "Boy, these are good cigars!"