Ask Milky.

[Nighthawk 0]

Oh fuck, shrooms and dxm are the ultimate drug combo. This is going to be awesome for you. Just please don't turn into Jingus.

[Nighthawk 0]

Man, I just realized something cool. I've totally isolated a ton of girls... but they will talk to you if you play the "I'm a god damned human being!" card.

 

I told them "Look, I may have done these things, but I'm still a person! I feel, just like you do, and it hurts me when you don't talk to me. I'm just a human being, like you, I'm not an animal, and I get lonely. Just say hi once in a while. It means a lot to me."

 

And they're like "Ok, sorry I'm so mean to you, David, but you honestly do act like an asshole all the time." And I say "Look, I'm sorry, I won't anymore. I really just want to be your friend, but nobody understands me, and I want attention, so I sometimes act a fool."

 

And they get it. I mean, all those thing I just said are true, don't just lie... but this vulnerability thing really works. Try telling the truth. It fucking works. Like "My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents." truth. It's just so different that it gets responses.

[Guest Vitamin X]

So, I stopped talking to my ex about a year ago (although then it had been six months or so after breaking up with her, there were still feelings there and then I had a feeling- which turned out to be right- that she was lying to me about being with someone else, and so I told her to fuck off) and recently I thought about her. Not really in a relationship sense, but in just that I really, really wanted to fuck her. Then I decided I would go ahead and write her an anonymous e-mail (after the way she stalked me after I told her I didn't want to talk to her, I figured this would be best) and I wrote, and wrote, and wrote.

 

I got through a whole hell of a lot of it when I was getting towards the end of the e-mail and realized.. closure is severely overrated. So I just masturbated instead and I felt just as relieved. I didn't send the e-mail and just closed it out, realizing that ex's are better left in the past than brought up again. From what I know, these sorts of things never lead to anything good- I figure the best resolution I could get to this would be a quick fuck again when I go down to California next week, but even that would bring a whole other host of problems. What's the point?

 

So I guess the question here is, knowing that people try and often do get back together multiple times, what the hell is driving them to do that. You have some interesting opinions on sex and love, and I can't help but think that a complete abatement of emotion is the only way a relationship can work out post-first-breakup... and yet even then, is someone even really happy enough to justify being in that relationship?

 

[Nighthawk 0]

First, jerking off is better than sex in many ways. There's no expectations. No disapointments. No one judges you. You can do all kinds of weird shit in your head that you never get to in real life.

 

Secondly, I will not get back with an ex. I just don't do it. I tell them up front "You get one chance with Dave. Do not break up with me to make me jealous or some shit, because that'll be it. I'm gone." And yeah, I've broken my rule once or twice. Ends in ten kinds of wrong sewn into a ball and slammed through the hoop of atrocity. But it's love that makes people do that, sure, and comfort. It's not hard to be in a relationship with someone you already have been. You don't have to relearn a new set of quirks. People remember the good times, and they're like "Why couldn't we do that again?" and they get back together and it's like "Oh yeah. That's why." I can get over pretty much anything, I was recently having a discussion about which comic book character I was most like in a relationship (yes, I was really having that discussion), and the answer is Wolverine. Crass, take no shit, and gets over anything instantly. I can work through anything. But break up? No. That's forever.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

Do clothes make the man?

[At Home 0]

Secondly, I will not get back with an ex. I just don't do it. I tell them up front "You get one chance with Dave. Do not break up with me to make me jealous or some shit, because that'll be it. I'm gone."

 

Hah, you sound like a black woman.

[Nighthawk 0]

Do clothes make the man?

 

No. I do have some fine attire, which I will wear to special occasions, but my standard "going out" wear is jeans and a t shirt. Granted, I do have some pretty volatile shirts, several of which contain profanity (the best are probably one with a picture of Jerry Falwell and the caption "Rest in shit, motherfucker." and the back has his dates of birth and death and the quote "If you are not a born again Christian, you are a failure as a human being.", and one which says "Yes, I'm wearing this goddamn shirt in front of your fucking kids." Every single shirt I own has gotten comments from strangers, but those seem to get it most.)

When I go on stage, I pay pretty much no attention to what I wear. Since I got a couple tattoos, I usually go without a shirt, but even before than, it meant nothing. I'd typically do shows straight from work and just wear whatever I had to wear at work. Shirt and tie, polo with company logo on the breast, whatever.

I guess I do actively try to wear the least expected thing. So in that sense, clothes sort of make the man. But I think it's more, "The man makes the clothes."

 

As an aside to that, I really love cursing. If I end up with kids, I will teach them to swear terribly. You know, make them good in every other way, but just with a filthy mouth. Like, somebody says "Little girl, you can't skip rope here." and she goes "Fuck off, cunt!" And I hope I get called to school with "Uh, we regret to inform you, but little Slayer called his teacher a motherfucker." so I can say "What the fuck's wrong with that?" It's no worse than peepee head. Seriously. Just like in Harry Potter, fear of a name only increases fear of the thing itself.

Patton Oswalt: "I'm going to shoot my goof juice in your hoo hah!" is infinitely more creepy than "I'm going to shoot cum in your pussy."

 

Hah, you sound like a black woman.

 

While I think they're a load of bitches, I do admire their independence. I watch every single hood movie that comes out, and Baby Boy is seriously underrated. Tyrese is calling this one girl as a booty call, and she's like "Nigga, who the fuck you think you is? If I want some dick, I'ma call you!" and just hangs up the phone. That's awesome.

Also, the time I got lost in Harlem at one in the morning, I saw this chick (dressed like a whore, mind you) just walking down the street. And these dudes were like "Hey beautiful, what's up?" and she turned on these dudes and was like "Fuck you nigga! How the fuck you think you can say that shit to me..." and on and on and she turned these guys out. Completely. Over "Hey beautiful." Not "Hey bitch." That is pretty awesome.

I've dated a few of those hood rats, and I'm not ashamed to admit I can't handle them. More civilized black girls, I like, though. As amazing as it is, in this day and age, in San Francisco, people still get pissed off seeing a white guy with a black girl. Which I of course take as an opportunity to flagrantly make out with them and grope them, which enrages the old white people even further. Also, a lot of these girls really wouldn't tolerate me doing that if it wasn't to educate old racist people. Double points.

[Copper Feel 0]

Hip Hop used to be the only form of music I listened to, but ever since I turned 14 I have not listened to it at all. As a noted fan of the genre I wondered if you could see any reason for this?

[Nighthawk 0]

Hip Hop used to be the only form of music I listened to, but ever since I turned 14 I have not listened to it at all. As a noted fan of the genre I wondered if you could see any reason for this?

 

Well, hip hop is an entire genre. It's like saying "I used to listen to jazz." There's millions of variations. But there is a standard reason for this.

To give some background, I've gone through a lot of phases of what kind of music I listen to, before coming to this point where I listen to everything. I've gone through the indie phase, the death metal phase, the electronic phase, and many more. But the constant is that while I'm listening to that, I listen to rap too. It's just always been there. (By the way, I say rap, not hip hop. Hip hop is a culture, rap is the music. Plus hip hop sounds like something a rabbit listens to.)

People sometimes outgrow rap. It is a very juvenile type of music, largely, which is much of the point the movie Baby Boy made. The whole "I constantly fuck women and have a lot of money." thing gets old. Since rap is lyrically based, the content makes much more of a difference. For example, my all time favorite album is Appetite For Destruction, which I can't relate to at all anymore. Doesn't matter, cause it sounds great.

Today, I often have to remind myself to listen to rap. I get focused on these very specific subgenres and say "Oh yeah, rap is happening too. Listen to that." The fact that local rappers often stand outside the record store and hustle cds they burned themselves helps. I'll give 'em a few bucks. And you know what? Sometimes it isn't bad. Keeps me real with the streets, nigga. I lived on the street most recently about four months ago, and that's what was going down. Keeping that shit real.

Now, a lot of the connection I have to rap comes with the fact that I actually lived in the ghetto they describe. As a young white person from England, I'm pretty sure you didn't. So living these fantasies vicariously can run its course. However, you may want to try getting into more conscious rap. You know, KMD, Mos Def, whatever. It may reinterest you. Although a lot of that's really political, too.

Short answer: You can't relate to it and grew out of it.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

Do you think it's okay to find a sense of gratification when you see that an ex isn't doing so great (i.e. their looks have declined) or should it not matter to you one way or the other?

[At Home 0]

Do you think it's okay to find a sense of gratification when you see that an ex isn't doing so great (i.e. their looks have declined) or should it not matter to you one way or the other?

I take pleasure in the misfortune of my exes, even the ones I like.

[Nighthawk 0]

I do think that's ok, although I don't particularly experience it myself. I mean, usually an ex is an ex because there was some sort of falling out. You usually feel bad. Revenge is a natural emotion, there's often no escaping it. It's why guys kill their exes. But you know, we can be mature. But sometimes the world takes our revenge for us. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. If you don't care one way or the other, either you didn't care all that much about them in the first place, or the breakup just went really smoothly. Basically, if you shouldn't care, you won't.

 

One of my favorite stories of breaking up came when we went out to eat, and proceeded to sit in silence for like ten minutes. We hadn't been fighting or anything. Then I break the silence with "This isn't working out." and she says "No it isn't. "Well, you still want to eat?" "Sure." and then we talked, while we were eating. Just chatted. I still don't really get it.

[justsoyouknow 0]

Hey, I had almost that exact same conversation. Except it was breakfast, post-sex, and I was telling her about how much money she was costing me. Free rent, free food, I was spending a fortune on condoms and booze, and on top of it, she made me take her to this restaurant called Cafe Boa which was $72 for the two of us. Then to a movie, then to coffee, then to get drinks. While game 7 of the Suns and the Lakers was playing, which she forced me to miss. Her exact words were "I'll call up some other guy. I know tons of guys who would love to take me out." So, over breakfast, I told her she was costing me too much money. When I came home from work that day, she was gone. It was pretty neat.

[Twisted Intestine 0]

So basically, she was your personal hooker, and now she's gone off to be some other dudes personal hooker. Right on!

[justsoyouknow 0]

Yeah, it wasn't so much a relationship as having an on-call hooker.

[tominator89 0]

What are the effects of LSD on a blind person?

[Nighthawk 0]

That's actually a really interesting question, and I can't answer it. I expect it's... everything that happens when you take LSD besides the visuals, but the visuals are such an important part of it that I can't imagine. I will find a blind bum and shove acid into his mouth to discover this.

 

Reminds me of the Bible story where Jesus spits on the ground and rubs the mud into the blind man's eyes, and he says "I see people. They look like trees walking around." So Jesus rubs some more mud into his eyes and he says "I CAN SEE!" Mud made from Jesus spit is some bad stuff. Mess you up.

[Timmy8271 0]

So when are you going to bang Ashley Blue? And When you do, Are you going to let her go all "Girlvert" on you?

[PUT THAT DICK IN MY MOUTH! 0]

Should I buy this shirt?

 

[Nighthawk 0]

If you were to have sex with a set of conjoined twins that were joined around waist level and were one person from the bottom and two people on top would it be a threesome? And what if only one consents? Is that raping the other one?

 

A threesome, yeah, as long as you made out with them both. That actually sounds hot, man.

 

Consenting, no, they are seriously two people. If one wants to do something, she can. Watch Todd Browning's Freaks, there's a scene about exactly this. A guy is in love with one half of some Siamese Twins chicks, and proposes, and the other half is sitting there reading a book. It's none of her god damn beeswax. And I think actual twins sort of develop that role with each other. But when the chick says yes, they can get married, they hug, and the other twin sort of looks skyward and puts her book down and feels good. Actually, scene of the movie there, and it's a good, weird movie. In sum: Siamese twins are legitimately two different people and we should treat them as such.

 

So when are you going to bang Ashley Blue? And When you do, Are you going to let her go all "Girlvert" on you?

 

I think the fact that I don't ask her that is much of why we're such good friends. Sure, it's ok to talk about porn filth, but I know the line. I think if I was legitimately in porn, she would totally bang me. It'd be gross too, and she'd totally be dominant. I'm a total masochist.

[Nighthawk 0]

Yes, buy that fucking shirt! That shirt is awesome.

[Guest Soriano's Torn Quad]

Dave, I'm trying that human being speech (heavily edited; I'm not guilty of PLAGIARISM) with the girl that hates me now. Wish me the best. I have a bad feeling that even that won't get the job done. She's at that point where she probably forgot why she's mad at me and is just perpetuating it.

[justsoyouknow 0]

It doesn't actually work.

[The Niggardly King 0]

Dave, I'm trying that human being speech (heavily edited; I'm not guilty of PLAGIARISM) with the girl that hates me now. Wish me the best. I have a bad feeling that even that won't get the job done. She's at that point where she probably forgot why she's mad at me and is just perpetuating it.

 

Wow, and here I thought you were one of the asexual...

[Nighthawk 0]

It does work... for me, at least. If you notice, I wasn't actually answering a question, I was just pointing something out. There's really no harm in trying, though, and it might make you feel better.

 

There are certain quirks of talking to girls that seem to be specific to me. Like, the ability to ask for weird sexual shit and not offend people, or begging someone to go out with me and having it come off funny instead of pathetic. I'm also really good at apologies. I think I have some sort of naturally non-threatening demeanor. It's been noted to me that people always seem to open up to me. Like, a guy'll bum a cigarette off me, and then tell me about how his wife is fucking his best friend. Or stories about shit eating ten seconds after I met somebody. I get to hear about my school counselors college experiments with lesbianism. Or the story about the bath in blood, that was a good one. I probably know more secrets than anyone else I know.

[Copper Feel 0]

How would a conversation with a complete stranger wherein he/she opens up to you within 10 seconds usually go? Give me some dialogue.

[Nighthawk 0]

That particular one was cause of my tattoo. *wearing GG Allin shirt* "Hey man, nice shirt." "Thanks. Check this out." *shows him GG Allin tattoo* "Whoa, that's hardcore. My old roommate could have given that a run for his money. One time he was taking too long in the shower, so I took a shit in front of the door. He stepped right in it!" "Ha ha!" "Yeah, but then he took a shit in my bed that night." "That sucks." "Yeah, it kind of went back and forth until he had some guys hold me down and shit in my mouth. I said 'You win man.'"

Usually it takes more than ten seconds, but it's often within the first conversation I ever have with anybody. That one was pretty much verbatim, though.

 

Another story related to that, one time I asked this girl I worked with out. I barely knew her, I was pretty much doing it because I had this shirt that would be really funny to wear on a date (giant picture of Paris Hilton blowing a guy), and she was the first girl I saw. So we get out there, make our dinner reservations, and then go to Starbucks to wait. I say "So what's your deal?" and she launches into this crazy story about drug trafficking and like, being an alcoholic at ten years old, and eating flowers by the side of the road and running around naked. This wasn't all at once, mind you. She'd say one thing, then I'd say something worse about myself, then she'd top that, and so one. It was this crazy battle of one upsmanship that went on for four hours, seriously. We just skipped dinner. Maybe that's why people open up to me, or part of why. I can hang with them.

What ended up happening was A) She told me she once did a different guy every day for two weeks. and B) Threw herself at me that night. Then she got incredibly offended and refused to talk to me again after I affectionately called her a slut. That makes no sense at all.

[Bruiser Chong 0]

A friend and I found one of the new Blackberry phones on the ground of a club last weekend. We were visiting a friend and the area is easily upper class. We figured it probably belonged to some rich college kid, so we decided to hang onto it to sell off later. In the end, my friend's girlfriend (the one we were visiting) talked us into calling one of the contacts in the phone to set up a return after we'd gotten back to their place. P.S. we were right about who it belonged to, as the guy actually had the nerve to ask us to drive the 25 minutes back to the bar to give it to him. He picked it up the next morning and didn't offer any sort of compensation for being honest about it. He just asked where he could get a good breakfast.

 

So, were we wise to give it back for karma's sake or should we have gone with first instinct and sold that sumbitch?

[Nighthawk 0]

I wouldn't offer compensation either. I mean, it's mine, why should you be rewarded for doing the right thing? To me, it's kind of like walking by an alley, then a guy grabs me and says "Hey. I could have mugged you just then, but I didn't. Where's my reward?" I probably wouldn't ask you to drive back and give it to me, though.

[Copper Feel 0]

I have an idea for a documentary about people with Ginger hair (a written documentary, think Brass Eye). It will mostly be comprised of people commiting henious crimes towards them and justifiying it because, well, they're Ginger.

 

I have the means to film this and people - also one Ginger - willing to be cast: should I progress with this concept or scrap it and come up with a new one?