Awkward moments involving roommates.

[TheDevilAndGodAreRagingInsideMe 0]

48. You are lieing in bed for a few minutes after your 7:00 am alarm woke you up. Your weird, lazy, smelly ass roommate stumbles in to the room after a night of boozing and somehow gets himself in to the bunk above you. The bunk starts shaking, obvious that asshole is beating off, so you get out of bed and head to the bathroom to a) get him to stop and b) non verbally let him know that it's just simply socially unacceptable (I like to call him the Social Retard because he is completely devoid of even the most basic of social graces) to pleasure yourself when someone else is in the room.

 

A little more background in the Social Retard.

-He's about 5'8" and 170 pounds or so, and his asscrack is ALWAYS sticking out of his pants, often. A day does not go by where I do not unintentially see this kid's asscrack.

-Trying to inject himself into conversation, he asks stupid things that are obvious and don't need to be asked or answered (He comes into the living room, sees one of the roommates playing Guitar Hero for example. "Ya playin' Guitar Hero?")

-He is always hawking shit out of his throat because he is a nasty chain smoker

-He rolls his own cigarettes on the kitchen table because he is too broke ass poor to buy his own. He proceeds to leave the cigarette tubes and loose tobacco all over the table all the time

-He farts so often and so bad that your room has a constant musk of an old basement. It is so bad that you don't spend any time in there whatsoever.

-He has an awful habit of grinding his teeth, loudly, in his sleep.

-He sleeps well past noon, daily.

-He is a dumbass history major, and uses Wikipedia as his top resource on basically everything. I tried to explain to him why this isn't a good idea and why professors don't like it, but he just refused to understand, so I gave up.

-He drops his clothes and boots in front of the door when he stumbles in at whatever time, every night, laying a nice death trap/fire hazard at the door for me to trip on. Everday.

-He blasts his computer speakers and plays the same songs over and over again, often so loud that you can hear it through the entire apartment, and in another room with the door shut. Then, you are sitting in your room on a rare occasion, and of course douchebag left his speakers on full blast, and the AIM sound of a door slamming makes you jump out of your skin.

-When you catch him doing something that pisses you off, he says he's sorry, but then will do it again down the line. (Ex: I have a nice office chair that I bought for myself, and he of course just has the basic wood desk chair that came with the place. I come back one day to find my best pair of khaki pants are all wrinkled on the back of the chair, when this was not the way I left them, it was obvious he was sitting in my chair and got caught. He said he was sorry, but I know his dirty ass sits in it all the time.)

-I came back from being home one weekend and it was clearly apparent that the asshole slept in my bed the previous night: there was dirt in it (he slept in his smelly ass boots), the cover was coming off the bed and you could see the mattress, the pillow was on the opposite side of the bed that I sleep on, and it stunk like smoke and b.o.) I quickly washed my sheets.

-There is a kid that goes to the gym at school around the same time as me everyday, and Asshole has made me hate this kid because they kind of look a like.

 

I think there is probably more, but that's enough. It was nice to vent.

[Guest My Pal, the Tortoise]

So Jack Bauer lives with Ackley from The Catcher in the Rye?

[theintensifier 0]

48. You are lieing in bed for a few minutes after your 7:00 am alarm woke you up. Your weird, lazy, smelly ass roommate stumbles in to the room after a night of boozing and somehow gets himself in to the bunk above you. The bunk starts shaking, obvious that asshole is beating off, so you get out of bed and head to the bathroom to a) get him to stop and b) non verbally let him know that it's just simply socially unacceptable (I like to call him the Social Retard because he is completely devoid of even the most basic of social graces) to pleasure yourself when someone else is in the room.

 

A little more background in the Social Retard.

-He's about 5'8" and 170 pounds or so, and his asscrack is ALWAYS sticking out of his pants, often. A day does not go by where I do not unintentially see this kid's asscrack.

-Trying to inject himself into conversation, he asks stupid things that are obvious and don't need to be asked or answered (He comes into the living room, sees one of the roommates playing Guitar Hero for example. "Ya playin' Guitar Hero?")

-He is always hawking shit out of his throat because he is a nasty chain smoker

-He rolls his own cigarettes on the kitchen table because he is too broke ass poor to buy his own. He proceeds to leave the cigarette tubes and loose tobacco all over the table all the time

-He farts so often and so bad that your room has a constant musk of an old basement. It is so bad that you don't spend any time in there whatsoever.

-He has an awful habit of grinding his teeth, loudly, in his sleep.

-He sleeps well past noon, daily.

-He is a dumbass history major, and uses Wikipedia as his top resource on basically everything. I tried to explain to him why this isn't a good idea and why professors don't like it, but he just refused to understand, so I gave up.

-He drops his clothes and boots in front of the door when he stumbles in at whatever time, every night, laying a nice death trap/fire hazard at the door for me to trip on. Everday.

-He blasts his computer speakers and plays the same songs over and over again, often so loud that you can hear it through the entire apartment, and in another room with the door shut. Then, you are sitting in your room on a rare occasion, and of course douchebag left his speakers on full blast, and the AIM sound of a door slamming makes you jump out of your skin.

-When you catch him doing something that pisses you off, he says he's sorry, but then will do it again down the line. (Ex: I have a nice office chair that I bought for myself, and he of course just has the basic wood desk chair that came with the place. I come back one day to find my best pair of khaki pants are all wrinkled on the back of the chair, when this was not the way I left them, it was obvious he was sitting in my chair and got caught. He said he was sorry, but I know his dirty ass sits in it all the time.)

-I came back from being home one weekend and it was clearly apparent that the asshole slept in my bed the previous night: there was dirt in it (he slept in his smelly ass boots), the cover was coming off the bed and you could see the mattress, the pillow was on the opposite side of the bed that I sleep on, and it stunk like smoke and b.o.) I quickly washed my sheets.

-There is a kid that goes to the gym at school around the same time as me everyday, and Asshole has made me hate this kid because they kind of look a like.

 

I think there is probably more, but that's enough. It was nice to vent.

Jesus. I'm sorry, I was laughing the whole time I was reading this.

 

Retribution. Brand new shovel, and a fifty pound bag of lime.

[TheDevilAndGodAreRagingInsideMe 0]

Glad you enjoyed it. I got stuck with this kid this way:

 

-My apartment is 6 people, 3 rooms.

-You can only sign up two at a time

-My two other friends that I was signing up with, I thought I was going to live with one of them and the other was going to live with Asshole. The other 2 were taking the other room, they were two friends of one of the other guys.

-They go and sign up together without telling me on sign up day last spring (One citing the reason that "Well, I didn't want to live with him because I don't know him." As if I DO? This lame-o is just some jerk that came over and made a fool of himself at our Super Bowl party last year)

-I had to go find the SR, get him to make his deposit at administration, because of course he didn't, and sign up with him

-Stuck. It was between this and not living on campus, which would have been a complete financial nightmare for both me and my parents (I live too far to commute)

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

Jack, what's your roommate's first name (the one who's a history major)?

[Dandy 0]

51. You are expecting your former roommate and his new wife (whom you graduated HS with) to come over for dinner and drinks with you and your roommate (cousin). Your cousin is not used to drinking often because alcoholism runs in his side of the family. The two of you go to the liquor store to re-stock the supply. He is asking about all these different liquors, and you point out we are getting a few of them as "girlier" drinks for the female, because you're not sure if she likes hard liquor. He mentions that he would like the butterscotch liquor that you picked up. On the way home, he tastes it and says he loves it. Over the next 45 minutes, he drinks all of it and starts in on the other liquors and drinks. You are trying to cook, and he is laughing hysterically and throwing full potatoes at you. Keep in mind that your cousin is 6'4" and could have been a college QB. You are trying to stay calm, but the fucker is out of his mind with all this shit. Your guests arrive just as your cousin throws up on the computer desk, chair and floor. You clean up puke that is very red from the Jack Daniels coolers that you bought for the female. Your roommate remains passed out for all of dinner, all of the night, and most of the morning. The rest of you had fun.

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

I'm confused about the leaving to take a piss in the middle of oral sex part.

[AntiLeaf33 0]

I'm confused about the leaving to take a piss in the middle of oral sex part.

 

Fuck, I'm not. I've had it happen a few times where my urge to piss almost kills any sexual feeling I'm getting. Also, when I have to piss, I cannot cum for the life of me....which really sucks when you are both drained of everything you physically have to give.

[BX 0]

Um, I believe that some sort of valve in your dick closes up when you've got the 'rection going on, which should make erect peeing impossible, unless you've got something wrong with you.

[Copper Feel 0]

Your erection goes away as you pee, you may be hard at the start.

[Edwin MacPhisto 0]

Something you have to experience to understand, I suppose. I can't imagine anything killing a mood faster than, "Oh, this penis in your mouth is really nice, but I'm going to go the bathroom. See you in 3." It's like cheating. The erection you get when you return to your wang-mouthifying mistress isn't even the same erection you had when you left. It's like you were wearing a blue striped sweater, but now you're wearing something green and cable-knit.

[Nighthawk 0]

Everybody knows you're supposed to piss after you cum, anyway.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to get blown while taking a shit, though.

[Cheech Tremendous 0]

Everybody knows you're supposed to piss after you cum, anyway.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to get blown while taking a shit, though.

 

The blumpkin?!

[Dandy 0]

I don't know if there is something wrong with you guys, but I piss with a hardon most mornings. And if you have been drinking beer for close to 12 hours, you can't NOT have to piss, no matter what is going on. This girl used to give me head for 45 minutes to an hour at a time, so that is a recipe for an intermission piss break. I always give it a courtesy cleaning with a little water when finished pissing. When you get back, it takes an extra second or 30 to get back to fully erect, but any good girl does that with her mouth. They understand.

[Cheech Tremendous 0]

I don't know if there is something wrong with you guys, but I piss with a hardon most mornings. And if you have been drinking beer for close to 12 hours, you can't NOT have to piss, no matter what is going on. This girl used to give me head for 45 minutes to an hour at a time, so that is a recipe for an intermission piss break. I always give it a courtesy cleaning with a little water when finished pissing. When you get back, it takes an extra second or 30 to get back to fully erect, but any good girl does that with her mouth. They understand.

 

 

Marry this girl.

[Dandy 0]

Didn't work out. She was a total slut in bed with me, and apparently a total slut when I wasn't around. She slept with a good friend of mine and had been seeing her ex-boyfriend the entire time we went out. When I found out, I was crushed. We started off as really good friends, then really good friends that slept together, then really good friends that slept together and dated for 2 years.

 

But enough about this shit. Let's get back to some rommate stories.

 

 

52. You have just finished fucking the girl from this very post. Your roommates (also co-workers of you and this girl) knock on your door and you tell them to come on up. You then realize that this girl came so much, there was a good 6 inch circumference of a wetspot on your sheets. They ask if we want to go get dinner before we all go out to a bar. One of them looks down at the wet spot and loudly comments, "Oh is this Rus (your name)? Or is that you? What did you do, piss the bed?" Everyone laughs except for her.

[Copper Feel 0]

53. You're walked in on whilst masturbating twice within the space of a week. It therefore becomes a running joke. Your housemate only encourages this, by inviting groups of multiple people to enter your room without knocking at various times. He also goes to the trouble of showing your cumstains to anybody who cares to look. Soon after, the staff become suspicious. All of the porno magazines (his) underneath your bed are soon taken away by the staff.

 

Man, why did I consider this guy to be my best friend? In hindsight he was a total cunt.

[Dandy 0]

This next one is not me or my roommates, but friends of ours.

 

54. You like to bring home girls to have sex with them in your room. Who doesn't? The problem is every time you get about a minute into the act, your roommate comes running into your bedroom naked yelling, "how about a wobbily "H"?"

[Copper Feel 0]

"how about a wobbily "H"?"

 

haha.

[Gary Floyd 0]

This one revolves around a roommates friend instead of a roommate.

 

55.) You have to go to the bathroom, but this guy is in there. You wait patiently, and when he gets out, you go in...only to discover that the sink is filled with piss.

[At Home 0]

Everybody knows you're supposed to piss after you cum, anyway.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to get blown while taking a shit, though.

 

Is it just me or does it kind of hurt to piss after you cum? Like, there's a little build up in your dick and the piss has to push it out.

[BX 0]

hurt? no.

 

fun and slimy and yellowish-pearl? Absolutely.

[TheDevilAndGodAreRagingInsideMe 0]

Doubt you would know him al, he transfered from a CC.

 

Although I may know who you are because I think that I may have had a class with you once, based on various traits that would seem to be easily attributed to you. But it took till the very end of the semester to me to even notice, and possibly figure it out. (The person I thought might be you I've never talked to, or see before or since)

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

Doubt you would know him al, he transfered from a CC.

 

Although I may know who you are because I think that I may have had a class with you once, based on various traits that would seem to be easily attributed to you. But it took till the very end of the semester to me to even notice, and possibly figure it out. (The person I thought might be you I've never talked to, or see before or since)

Which class? I graduated with a B.A. in history, so history majors I have a better chance of recognizing than anyone else.

[BUTT 0]

Does the time I had a dream about Patrick "Kotzenjunge" Spoon coming into my room at night and making out with my (male) roommate count as an awkward moment involving roommates?

[TheDevilAndGodAreRagingInsideMe 0]

In "Literature of Sport and Games," which really had nothing to do with either cause the prof was completely off his rocker, there was a dude that answered to Allen and wore a Scranton baseball jersey one time. Seemed to fit a vague description. This was in the fall '06 semester.

[Scroby 0]

Everybody knows you're supposed to piss after you cum, anyway.

 

It's perfectly acceptable to get blown while taking a shit, though.

 

Is it just me or does it kind of hurt to piss after you cum? Like, there's a little build up in your dick and the piss has to push it out.

No, but it is harder for me to aim because my piss seems to start spraying in two different directions.

[Guest My Pal, the Tortoise]

In "Literature of Sport and Games," which really had nothing to do with either cause the prof was completely off his rocker, there was a dude that answered to Allen and wore a Scranton baseball jersey one time. Seemed to fit a vague description. This was in the fall '06 semester.

I think that WAS Al!

[bob_barron 0]

One night, a friend and I were watching Coach Carter and my roomate said he was going to bed.

 

I said, "Goodnight, country church nigger."

 

He was not amused. He wasn't black. He was fat though.

[bob_barron 0]

4. Having a dorm roommate back in college who literally watched two straight hours of Full House every day. Never made a sound, never moved, just sat like a statue watching four Full House episodes in a row.

 

I didn't know we roomed together.