Impact spoilers for 2/14

[Hunter's Torn Quad 0]

*Impact opens with Jim Cornette again trying to sign Samoa Joe to a contract, but Christian Cage comes out. He asks Joe to team with him tonight against AJ Styles and Tomko. Joe agrees and leaves without signing his deal.

 

*Team 3D comes out for a match against Shark Boy and Curry Man. Earl Hebner forced 3D to weigh before the match. Devon weighs in under 275. Brother Ray can't make weight so it becomes a handicap match. Devon pins Curry Man after nailing him with the scale.

 

*Abyss vs. Scott Steiner never took place as Abyss walked to the ring and then turned away and walked out, still too hurt from the Barbed Wire Massacre match to compete. As he left, Abyss removed his mask while he had his back to the crowd and then left. Scott Steiner took the mic and said he wanted a match right now. Petey Williams came out and Steiner defeated him. Steiner was full blown heel.

 

*Apparently they shot an angle backstage where Christian Cage was attacked, so it will be Kevin Nash teaming with Samoa Joe later.

 

*TNA Tag Team champs AJ Styles and Tomko defeated Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash after Kurt Angle interfered. Tomko pinned Joe.

 

*Rellik pinned Eric Young.

 

*Homicide defeated Chris Sabin and Jimmy Rave in a three-way match.

 

*Rhino came to the ring and cut a promo on James Storm, challenging him to an Elevation X match at the next PPV.

 

*TNA Knockout champ Awesome Kong defeated ODB in a non-title Street Fight after Gail Kim got involved and it backfired. ODB and Kim shoved each other afterwards.

 

Xplosion:

 

*Robert Roode pinned Kaz.

 

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

[Downhome 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

........................................................................

[Nate 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

........................................................................

 

thats more of my reaction for the whole product

[dh86 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

........................................................................

seconded

[cd213 0]

I'm known to stand by TNA with most of the stuff that they do, but this is just stupid and I can't even go with this. The rest of the show seems pretty ok on paper. I hope even after the loss, Shark Boy and Curry Man get a real push. That would rule if they got the tag titles.

[Mecha Mummy 0]

*Team 3D comes out for a match against Shark Boy and Curry Man. Earl Hebner forced 3D to weigh before the match. Devon weighs in under 275. Brother Ray can't make weight so it becomes a handicap match. Devon pins Curry Man after nailing him with the scale.

 

Good thing that punishment is affecting them so much!

 

I can't even bring myself to hate TNA anymore. They're just hilariously dumb at this point.

[cabbageboy 0]

They won't even put the tag belts on the Motor City Machine Guns, why would they put the belts on the jobber connection of Curry Man and Shark Boy?

 

This whole Joe contract signing angle with him never signing it reminds me of Taz in ECW circa 1999, except that was never actually televised. By that I mean Taz kept putting off signing his new ECW contract in real life, then finally left for the WWF.

[MillenniumMan831 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

........................................................................

 

This can't miss.

[Diamonddust 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

........................................................................

 

This can't miss.

 

Lance Storm's commentary on this one should be pretty good.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles with the right to be Karen's husband on the line. Book it!

 

Is this Joe's first pinfall loss in sometime?

[luke-o 0]

So not only are there two PPV matches from last night repeated, but AJ is now married to Karen?

 

Shouldn't have Kurt and Karen got divorced first? Can this really work?

 

The only upside I can see from all this AJ/Kurt/Karen stuff is that I can see AJ turning face and being the one to beat Kurt for the title.

[MillenniumMan831 0]

Anyone else surprised they actually bothered to "weigh in" Team 3D?

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

So not only are there two PPV matches from last night repeated, but AJ is now married to Karen?

Shouldn't have Kurt and Karen got divorced first? Can this really work?

 

The only upside I can see from all this AJ/Kurt/Karen stuff is that I can see AJ turning face and being the one to beat Kurt for the title.

 

I think that's the least of the logic issues, but yes, people don't rountinely accidentally marry someone else when they're not even divorced. A vow renewing ceremony and a wedding are apparently the same thing in TNA. You may recall Homer Simpson went to city hall to get a divorce from Marge to make renewing his vows a more legitimate event.

[PILLS! PILLS! PILLS! 0]

*Kurt and Karen Angle renew their vows. When it is asked if anyone objects, Samoa Joe and Kevin Nash come out. They brawl with Angle. During the brawl, the preacher's glasses fell off so he pronounced AJ and Karen husband and wife, so AJ kissed Karen. She freaked out while Angle looked on in disbelief.

 

This company is never getting my money again.

[Matt Young 0]

Kurt Angle vs. AJ Styles with the right to be Karen's husband on the line. Book it!

 

Is this Joe's first pinfall loss in sometime?

 

Joe took the pin in his last PPV match.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

I didn't specify but I was referring more to TV.

[luke-o 0]

I'm pretty sure it was to Tomko a long while ago. I can't think of another time.

 

For all the "burying" they apperantly do to Samoa Joe, the guy wins an awful lot.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

Yeah, losing to Tomko ages ago was the last one I remembered too.

[Guest Shylock]

I'm pretty sure it was to Tomko a long while ago. I can't think of another time.

 

For all the "burying" they apperantly do to Samoa Joe, the guy wins an awful lot.

It's more a burial by putting him in stupid storylines that make him look like the King Retard of the promotion.

[TheTomster 0]

Did Earl just call them Bubba and D-Von

[Dobbs 3K 0]

Earl did call him "Bubba". Oops.

 

Can someone explain to me what the point of "Rellik" is? I mean, the character.

[CubbyBr 0]

Can someone explain to me what the point of "Rellik" is? I mean, the character.

 

So those two idiots, Tenay and West, can tell us a million times that Rellik is Killer spelled backwards.

[TheTomster 0]

Cubby explained it perfectly.

 

Am I the only fan of the Rock and Rave Infection?

[Downhome 0]

I think the minister just married em!

 

HE DID!!!

 

 

And I'm no fan of Rock and Rave Infection, but holy shit is Christy Hemme hot. I don't care what they have her do, just keep her around forever. I've been a fan of her ever since she first hit the scene in WWE.

[TheTomster 0]

Christy is actually a pretty good singer

www.myspace.com/hemmeband

 

and it was actually her boyfriend who wrote the whole segment tonight, right down to the best Lance Hoyt line ever

[Jingus 0]

Anyone wanna take bets on whether I liked Impact or not?

 

And we're already off and running, as Tenay and West are so addicted to the sound of their own voices that they try to talk over the opening pyro, and you can barely hear a word they say.

 

Does ANYONE think the Angle "comedy" sketches are actually funny? This one was especially lame since it involves Kurt's daughter, who looks like she can't be a day over five years old. Having young kids as onscreen talent for a business as scummy as wrestling is inexcusable.

 

So, they've tried for THREE WEEKS just to get Samoa Joe to sign a contract, and someone apparently runs in every time. Does the contract legally require to be signed on television? Why can't they just FedEx the damn thing to him? What's next, a contract signing in a steel cage? Joe and Christian both sucked out loud in their mic work, with Cornette only barely managing to save the whole segment.

 

Since when does AJ Styles consider Angle's wife to be his woman? I wonder what AJ's real-life conservative Christian wife thinks of this storyline at home.

 

Okay, I admit I laughed at Bubba's desperate attempts to make the weight limit for his match. Curry Man is hilarious, from his crazy entrance onward, it's the kind of out-of-the-box goofiness you rarely see in American wrestling. Stone Cold Sharkboy... meh. He's got the impression down well enough, but I just think the whole gimmick is a bad idea. Holy SHIT did you see that fucking disgusting bump Johnny Devine took for the stunner?! Find something for this guy to actually do. And hey look, yet another handicap match ends with one guy beating two, what a shock.

 

We've got Scott Steiner vs. Abyss, a match which has never been done before and that I find at least a little intriguing. So of course TNA promptly ruins it by having Abyss walk away without even getting in the ring. Way to make your psychotic hardcore monster babyface to look like a complete pussy.

 

Steiner vs. Petey Williams was okay. I'm not a big fan of Petey, but they worked well enough together; I don't know how the hell Steiner has pulled off this resurgence over the past couple years, but he's been performing better than he has anytime in the previous decade. Too bad about the clueless, nervous-looking new diva with the awful name of "Rocka Khan". And hey, how about that pop when Steiner helped Petey up after the match?! Damn that Russo, he insisted that good sportsmanship doesn't get over!!!

 

Is there a lazier angle in wrestling than the one where someone gets laid out in the back, off-camera, and we only come upon them laying there out cold? This one was so lame they didn't even bother having anyone trying to help Christian after he'd been beaten into unconciousness.

 

GodFuckingDAMMIT, Kevin Nash is in a match. And his worthless selfish crippled lying lazy has-been never-was ass is beating the shit out of younger, actually talented fellows like Styles and Tomko. Those two both punched Nash exactly once apiece, in between long sessions of the old guy with gimpy knees kicking both their asses simultaneously. Nash didn't take one bump, and Joe got pinned. Fuck this fucking show.

 

Anyone else notice that Steiner and Tomko both won their matches with Olympic Slams?

 

Nash and Joe, promo time. Joe does all the talking, thus negating the entire justification for Nash continuing to breathe. Ohhhh, this is a bad, bad show.

 

Rellik has about the stupidest, most simplistic "supernatural" gimmick possible. His name is Killer spelled backwards, he wears a spooky hockey mask, and his hometown is Salem. You know, the place where there WEREN'T ANY WITCHES.

 

The Motor City Machineguns, LAX, and some Nascar hicks proceed to cut the WORST INTERVIEW OF ALL TIME. Eight people, one microphone, and everybody's talking at once. Just bush league and terrible.

 

Sabin vs. Rave vs. Homicide is a fun match, so of course they only go for three minutes and includes massive interference. Rave and Hoyt with the Guitar Hero controllers is pretty humorous, especially with Hoyt dressed up like Slash. Shelly Martinez and Christy Hemme need to do some lesbian porn together, tomorrow. Some other clueless Nascar putz does guest commentary, and he creeps me out by being a Roddy Piper soundalike.

 

Rhino is here! Rhino is talking. Rhino isn't goring anyone. Boo-urns. And then he demands THE RETURN OF THE GODFUCKING SCAFFOLD MATCH at the next PPV. Rhino vs. James Storm in a match where some 250 pound guy has to fall off a scaffold, can't see anything possibly going wrong here! Sweet Jesus make the pain stop.

 

It's time for the one part of the show I've actually been looking forward to, the women's match, and guess what? They manage to fuck that up too! Awesome Kong vs. ODB is mostly one of those boring Attitude-style brawls on the floor, and has one of the worst-timed commercial breaks I've ever seen. Gail Kim runs in, and at least her perky nipples gave me something to look at. Kong still has Cheerleader Melissa inexplicably dressed up in a burkha as a Muslim bodyguard, and it's stupid beyond words. We also find out that Kong's finisher is called the IMPLANT BUSTER. No, really, I'm serious, the words "Implant Buster" actually came out of Don West's mouth. Absolutely disgusting.

 

And now it's time for the Angle wedding, and it's about as retarded as you'd expect. The joke about Jeremy Borash being the maid of honor would've been funnier if they hadn't run it into the ground by saying it twenty times in a row. The classiest thing was having Angle's preschool-aged daughter there at ringside, so she could get a nice close look at her dad getting stripped down to his underwear and beaten unmercifully, and hear her mom get called a "dimestore gold-digging skank" and get kissed by another man. And somehow Karen Angle and AJ Styles get married. I HATE TNA SO FUCKING MUCH.

[cabbageboy 0]

You hit the nail on the head with this Joe angle. I can see Cornette's initial thought of having the ceremony in the ring. I can even see him wanting to redo it figuring that with Morgan out of the way it would go smoothly. But shit, after that just send the dude the fucking contract and let him sign it at home for crying out loud.

 

And I don't really think Karen and AJ are supposed to be married or anything...that's kind of considered bigamy on her end. It was just a goofy punchline....right?

[haws bah gawd 0]

I caught a little of Impact last night. I normally just try to watch anything Styles and Tomko are involved in, but all I managed to see was the Knockouts match. Having not seen a whole lot of her, can someone explain ODB's character to me? Drunken Female Lumberjack? Redneck Tranny? The constant playing with her own fake giant tits and digging in her crotch got old really quick. She seems to be pretty over with the crowd though. Kong is pretty badass.

[luke-o 0]

I can see where Jingus is coming from with most points about the show. It was pretty horrible. Well not horrible, just boring.

 

And hey look, yet another handicap match ends with one guy beating two, what a shock.

 

But it wasn't exactly a clean win was it.

 

Nash and Joe, promo time. Joe does all the talking, thus negating the entire justification for Nash continuing to breathe. Ohhhh, this is a bad, bad show.

 

But the promo itself was pretty awesome. Saying that, I can't see the complaints about the promos of Cage and joe earlier, they weren't exactly offensive. And as for Nash in the tag match, again it didn't bother me. Nash was supposed to get the hot tag but the ref didn't see it. And of course, when you get the hot tag, you usualy clean house, so I don't see your complaint there.

 

I don't know who that NASCAR guy on the commentary desk was, but he should never do it again. Christ he was annoying. Hemme looked hot, Shelly looked hot. I'm quite a fan of the Rock N Rave Infection, I quite like how awful they are. And Rave's "we love you *insert wrong town name here*" is pretty good.

 

I didn't even watch the "main event" as I'm not a fan of wedding angles anyway. And certainly not ones that end quite as stupidly as this one.

 

Overall, it was a bland show that Tenay and West made out to be awesome. TNA is smooth costing into boring town at the moment, they need a killer angle soon.

[iggymcfly 0]

I can't believe that the actual TNA fans never like Impact. I love it. Seriously, this is what wrestling is supposed to be; this is why I started watching wrestling 10 years ago. Every match on the show has some kind of storyline and is legitimately interesting. Even the Eric Young/Rellik match had a couple segments to set it up so you cared what happened. There are a couple things that are supposed to be taken seriously (Tomko turning on Christian, Joe going after Angle), and the rest of the show is just over-the-top entertainment.

 

Also, I loved the main event angle. It was nice to see the faces actually outsmart the heels for once and the whole thing was fast-paced, entertaining, and creative. And AJ Styles is so great as a comedic character that he can make anything fun to watch. There were a couple things you could nitpick about the show like the stuff with the NASCAR drivers was horrible and ODB's character is completely obnoxious, but the rest of the show was super entertaining. As a complete start-to-finish show, this was better than at least any Raw in the last year.