ITT: talk about how much weddings fucking blow

[Giuseppe Zangara]

My girlfriend's sister is getting hitched next weekend and of course I'm going. Man, I hope this doesn't give her, i.e. the girlfriend, any ideas.

 

As a child, I went to a couple. Each time, I hoped something wacky would happen so it'd end up on America's Funniest Home Videos. That show is still around, though the thought of Tom Bergeron narrating some zany occurence at a wedding I attended doesn't provide the glimmer of hope it did in the halcyon days of Saget.

[Copper Feel]

I'm actually quite fond of weddings, but that's purely because the ones I have attended thus far have all been massive gatherings of the side of my family that I actually like.

[Cheech Tremendous]

Weddings are the easiest place in the world to pick up chicks. Then again, if you're attending with your girlfriend, that's not exactly an upside.

[Kinetic]

I went to one recently. My biggest gripe was the length of the ceremony. I mean, I understand that the couple wanted to cherish the moment and everything, but I was ready to get to the part with the free food and booze about halfway through that thing. And they just kept taking pictures! It's like, goddamn, how many do you need?

[Black Lushus]

The worst are the receptions with the pay bars...fucking cheapskates! I mean, I can understand making folks buy their own mixed drinks, but at least spring for a couple of kegs or something.

[Kinetic]

The unfortunate thing was that the only people we knew at the reception were the bride and groom, and they were understandably too busy to talk to us much. This was only the second wedding I've ever been to. I've never been to a funeral.

[Giuseppe Zangara]

Since the gf's family will be there, I can't alleviate my boredom by getting drunk. Blast! When I told her she owes me for having to go this, she responded that the only thing she owes me is, in turn, going to my own sister's wedding—should that day come. That day being when gays can legally marry in Florida.

[Gary Floyd]

The worst are the receptions with the pay bars...fucking cheapskates! I mean, I can understand making folks buy their own mixed drinks, but at least spring for a couple of kegs or something.

Oh God, I know. Still, the reception still gives you a chance to see your uncle dance drunkenly to "Hot in Here", which is something everybody must see in their lives.

[Black Lushus]

The best...and by best I mean the worst...thing is seeing 40 and 50 year olds doing the Casper Slide...very badly.

 

I mean, it's bad enough, but yikes!

[Nighthawk]

Weddings are number three on my list of things people have to do that I hate: 1) Moving, 2) Flying (not because of fear, it's the tedium), and 3) Weddings.

 

I was in an outdoor wedding once (one of those guys that stands next to the groom. Not the best man, the other guys), and I seriously got light headed and almost passed out. And if you know me, I've done tons of shit that would kill a normal man and shrugged it off, and here I am almost fainting in a wedding. I do look damn fine in a suit, though.

 

It's not like I would never get married myself, but I'd have fun with it, at least. I anticipate my wedding being either a spur of the moment elopement or else the full on Beetlejuice wedding. Any woman who wanted to spend her life with me would be fine with these options.

[King Kamala]

I'm twenty years old and have never been to a wedding. Is that odd? All of my older cousins that had kids decided to live in sin and I don't see any of my siblings or friends getting married anytime in the next couple years.

[JaMarcus Russell's #1 Caucasian Fan]

You are not alone, I'm turning 23 in November and I still haven't been to a wedding. My younger sister isn't the type to shack up at a young age. My cousins on my mom's side are all younger than me, and on my dad's side my cousins who did have kids aren't married. My family (aunts, uncles) is generally pretty old, so they were married way before I was born. I only have a couple of friends, but they want to wait until they are older to get married. Different values I guess.

[Guest Vitamin X]

I was just at a wedding 2 weeks ago in Georgia. Lots of jokes were made, and it was fun I guess, because the whole thing had a feeling of it, at least on the groom's side, that he wasn't taking it all that seriously and was just like "oh okay one pussy for the rest of my life? It's cool, she's hot." My friend really is that laid back. I got sloshed the Thursday before though, and spent the rest of the next day visiting Atlanta in a total daze. The whole World of Coca-Cola attraction must have thought I was drunk or something, because all I remember is a blur of red and white. And this fucking POLAR BEAR which was a guy in a suit with an animatronic head doing the whole eyes closing and opening, random smiles, head turning side to side and nodding thing.

 

Oh, the wedding. Well, it was an open bar but the dude had to shut down at 11 because uh oh! Getting too close to Sunday! What the fuck, Georgia. Somehow we swindled some bar at 1am to give us some leftover wine that must have been sold but not consumed from a party and drank that afterwards. Horrible! I danced with a few cute girls, but most had something going on at home or whatever and this drunk slut ended up hooking up with a friend of mine who kind of cockblocked me, but he really just made his move before I did, because I was flirting with this girl most of the evening who ended up throwing up at the end of the night. Good times. Loooong trip back home the next day.

[Richard]

The last two weddings I went to were for Mormon relatives, so obviously there wasn't any beer.

[The Niggardly King]

I had a chance to go to my brother's wedding in Vegas around 2 years ago, but I said fuck that... since his wife to be is a piece of shit.

 

Had the house to myself for the week. Best fucking time of my life.

[Nighthawk]

Oh man, I can recall having the house to myself when I was putting away quarts of whiskey a day... that was with people there watching me.

 

Talk about a human tornado... I was no good by myself.

[The Niggardly King]

Best/worst moment was my father calling to check in on me just getting out of the strip club with my brother, they're both drunk as fuck and I'm getting a blowjob by a chubby Mexican chick that used to live on the corner.

[The Metal Maniac]

I've been to like, a zillion weddings...3 for my siblings, plus various weddings for cousins that I didn't know very well/was too little to remember.

 

This past summer, I went to a wedding for a friend of mine, as one of the Groomsmen. This was the first wedding in my entire life I had been to that was not Catholic.

 

OH MY GOD. Never until that moment did I realize exactly how *much* Catholic weddings sucked. For those who don't know, a Catholic wedding generally takes place during Catholic mass, and mass is an hour in and of itself. Yeah.

 

The worst wedding I ever went to was for one of my sisters. I'd had to cut my hair, and the barber just fucking butchered it, plus my ears were still ringing from the Slayer concert a day or two before, so I was in a bad mood to start. Long boring ceremonies and inedible foods didn't help that. Like, seriously, worst food I've ever seen at a wedding. If our hotel wasn't 10 feet away from a Wendy's, I would've starved.

[Guest Tzar Lysergic]

I'm going to have a very unorthodox wedding, I think. Something on the beach or in the woods, like a druid.

[Red Baron]

My first wedding that I've been to was a traditional Christian wedding. The reception was at the Sheraton in the Falls, so it was quite grand, but they didn't have a bar at all and no wine for dinner. It blew

 

My second wedding I got completely wasted before dinner and was drinking Gin afterwards. Never have I been so sick in my life.

[Jingus]

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding which offered free drinks. Hell, for that matter, most of them had no alcohol whatsoever. Freakin' teetotalers infesting my family. I'd almost rather have a bunch of drunks, at least they wouldn't be so uptight and boring.

[Lord of The Curry]

My cousin's wedding the other weekend was fucking awesome. 110 Irish/British families getting together and getting absolutely sauced on copious amounts of free booze. Good booze too like Stella, Heineken, Bacardi 1890 and Stoli. My uncle put something in the neighborhood of a $10,000 down payment on the bar because he knew that our side of the family can drink like champs. Great food, the ceremony itself was outside under the trees with a Justice of The Peace instead of in a church. I requested "Let's stay together" by Al Green and it went over like gangbusters with all the old folks.

[kkktookmybabyaway]

At least it's not your wedding.

 

Then again, the one thing I liked about my wedding was that I didn't do much of anything except get photos taken and thank people for attending. No chicken dance, no eating dinner with people I've never seen and never will see again, no having to sit there and wonder "when are the bride and groom going to show up so I can get this over with?"

[CanadianGuitarist]

When I was in college, my buddy TJ got married to a woman from Maine. He moved there before the wedding, but because all of us were in college, none of his buddies were financially able to attend. He had a vow renewal seven months later for the Canadians who couldn't attend, which just happened to fall on the 20th bday of our buddy Aaron, who was also invited.

 

So as we're driving to the church, we had about an hour to kill, so we stopped to pick up some beer and wine before we went to pick up our friend Andrea, who lived six blocks away from the liquor store. We managed to get drunk in the drive from the liquor store to Andrea's house. When we got there, someone asked "Hey, should we stop drinking? I mean, it is a wedding." The consensus was "No. He'll be so happy to see us, we can get away with murder." So we drank more, and were just sloshed by the time we got to the church at 6.

 

This story belongs to a Kevin, who's a buddy of mine and MonkeyMan (who crashed the wedding, as I recall). Kevin told TJ's bride, whom he had never met to that point, how wasted he was when shaking her hand. He followed it up by signing the same thing int he guestbook. He followed that up with this legendary gem, in the middle of the church:

 

Priest: "Ok, the wedding is over, we'll be going to TJ's aunt's house for a reception and BBQ"

Kevin: "Is there beer there?"

Priest: "Yes. Yes there is."

Kevin: "Awesome"

 

Oh yeah, I got kicked out of the peelers that night for passing out on my table. No dancer was atop it at the time. Come to think of it, Aaron still has my yo-yo from that day.

 

Also, the first time I ever got drunk was five years old, at my parent's wedding. My twin bro, too. We both saw a bunch of screwdrivers which we thought were just orange juice. They weren't.

[godthedog]

relatives' weddings tend to suck, but i've had great times at weddings of friends.

[Giuseppe Zangara]

I've met the sister and her husband-to-be all of once prior this; I've met the gf's folks twice—only one of those times, a formal, dinner-with-the-folks affair, was the girlfriend present. The other time, I was alone in a bookstore when I happened to bump into them.

 

What I'm saying is is that I pretty much know no one that's going to be at this wedding, so I expect it to be a drag. It's being held near the beach in St. Augustine, which is nice, at least.

[cynicalprofit]

Y'all need to get on my plan of never going to a wedding unless you're getting paid. So far it has worked.

[Guest C*Z*E*C*H]

Oh look, cynicalprofit. There's a blast from the past. Your post was retarded as usual, but welcome back all the same.

 

One of my close friends (so close that we had to hate each other intermittently) from high school got married this summer. She was like "you probably hate weddings, Dan, so you probably don't want to go to mine, right?" and I was like "yeah probably not my crowd" and was like "okay, just checking" and I didn't feel bad about it because obv. she forgot to put me on the list and it would've made things too difficult if I made her shoehorn me in there, and besides when I was 13 I had a piano recital in her church and not particularly silently muttered "oh fuck it" after I was done because I didn't perform as well as I should have performed and so while I wasn't banned for life so to speak I heard through the grapevine that I wasn't quite welcome back. Not like I cared, wasn't my church, I'm no Methodist.

[Cheech Tremendous]

I don't know why, but Czech's life absolutely fascinates me. You guys can keep Milky, it's the Czech stories I want to hear.

[MarvinisaLunatic]

Saw this link on Digg.

 

I might need to start going to weddings.