Mr. S£im Citrus

Actually, I think I may have passed out in front of the computer for about 40 minutes between 0330 and 0430, but I can't remember; it's all fuzzy at this stage...

10:45 pm, Hawaiian Standard Time, 31 Jan: 0 words. 1:25 pm, Hawaiian Standard Time (aka now), Feb 1: 11333 words. 15 hours and 3000 mg of caffeine later... .... AAAAAND I'M SPENT! My brain doesn't work anymore, and I'm all jittery; I'm too tired to think, and I'm too wired to sleep. Somebody help me... :: weeps ::

Forty-five minutes? What??? Did they change the deadline, and I didn't hear about it?

Hrmm... A hair over 3100 words, and the bell just rung; I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or a bad thing... The good news is that intros are always the hardest thing for me to write and, since I pretty much know what I want to do with my match, it should be all downhill from here, provided I can stay awake... Fortunately, I picked up a case of 'Dew and a of box No-Doz...

If I were to say that I don't see what the fuss is about The Godfather, would that qualify as a controversial statement?

Uhh... what?

.... You would have lost to me, anyway...

I caught a few episodes over the summer while my son was out here visiting me, but haven't seen it since network TV started its fall season; I'm mildly surprised that someone else my age has ever watched it.

That's already happened; every team in the Midwest division had a better record than the Atlantic division leader for the first eight or nine weeks.

Now, are we talking talent, or ability to show up? K. Yes.

Apropos of nothing, I just wanted to speak to this: I'm tempted to declare myself a surprise entrant to the 'Fuck, just so that I could challenge Danny to a No Gravity match.

.... Anybody who waits more than an hour after a show's been posted to update their stats should be immediately disqualified...

So, who's going to be the Fugue of this rookie class?

... I'm hoping to do my intro tonight; I've only thought of one "gotsta have" spot so far, so I'll probably spend tomorrow plotting my match out, and write the bulk of it on Friday and Saturday.

SWF Smarkdown HOLT report January 26, 2004 Toledo, Ohio at Toledo Sports Arena Report by Corey Lawson of Cleveland, OH Smartmarks.com reader Dark Matches: - “Hollywood” Spike Jenkins beat Jay Morrison in 2:24 with the Highlighter. - Ann Onita beat Judge Mental in 6:00 when Ann hit a Daybreak Pedigree. - Xstasy beat some Jimmy “The Demon” Liston in 3:51 with the Soargasm. - Todd Royal and Landon Maddix beat Zach Quinn and Paul Johnson in 4:33. I recognize these guys as Switchblade and Nailbomb from APWA, and they’re supposed to have been trained by Va’aiga. I don’t know whether or not they’re under consideration for an SWF contract, but they were pretty impressive in the ring tonight against the cream of the SJL’s final graduating class. Royal and Maddix won when Maddix hit Quinn with Crash Landon. - Alan Clark beat Quiz in 5:07 with an Acoustic Explosion. - HVT beat Aecas in 9:28. Nothing like seeing two big wildebeests beating on each other to get the crowd hyped up for the show. Aecas had Thugg on the ropes, but Thugg stopped him in his tracks with a nut shot, and hit the Untamed for the win. Lockdown: - I couldn’t get tickets to Clusterfuck, so I was really looking forward to this show. I had floor seats at ringside, and I actually got to sit next to Leon Durham! I got his autograph; it was awesome! - The Unnamed and the Trinity broke out into an impromptu brawl during the commercial after Charlie Matthews spit in Horrorcore’s face, and security came down to separate the groups, while we were all screaming “Let Them Fight!” I half-expected them to let Dace and Grappler stay in there and start their match, but everybody was ordered to the back. - I swear to god, Matthews does that shit on purpose! This crowd was amped as fuck, and that big boring bastard starts using restholds two minutes into the match. He couldn’t have been blown that fast; it’s not like he’s Thugg or anything! I can only guess that he does that to take the crowd out of it, so that they can’t get Dace pumped up. Most of the crowd woke up in time to chant “Boring” a few times, but most of them probably went back to sleep right after. - Craven didn’t get up until almost a minute after the show went to break. We all went crazy when Grand Slam came back out with a mic and asked Craven if he felt like making any more demands tonight, which led to somebody in the crowd starting a “You Got Punk’d” chant. Craven stood in the ring fuming at Stevens, but I guess he knew better than to say anything. - Eddy Long comes out to referee the Main Event, and I almost die of shock; I think this may be the first time in SWF history that Soapdish didn’t referee a Danny Williams match. Maybe now that he’s champion, the union is making him rotate so that the other refs get their shot at that per diem money. - After the show, Va’aiga continued to taunt the crowd by holding up the World Title, but Danny finally came to and started hand Va’aiga his ass! Grappler and Duran were about to help, but Dace and Terrence helped Danny chase them out of the ring. Va’aiga walked back up the ramp pointing at the World Title and telling Danny to “keep it warm” for him. Biggest Pops 1) Danny Williams 2) Grand Slam 3) Tom Flesher 4) Dace Night 5) (tie) Coy West and Wild & Dangerous Most Heat 1) Va’aiga 2) Michael Craven 3) James Matheson 4) Charlie Matthews 5) HVT

Like what? 2100 K is almost a minimum as far as I'm concerned (750 words ~ two minutes * 28 entries) and if you've gotten that far... hell, might as well go as long as you feel like. 2100 K? Wouldn't that be, like, 2.1 million words?

Don't tell Duran...

... It was relevant to a match we were writing...

"Mostly," he says... Didn't you tell me that you've never even seen WM6?

That was a hard show to get a read on, and it surely wasn't helped by the... uhm.. *ahem*... no-shows and all. With the show starting out with a face/face match and ending with a heel/heel match, I had to read it a couple of times to try and get a sense of who should have had the most heat.

You didn't think they would actually let you retire, did you?

Oh, you didn't know? Thoth is no stranger to the HOLT report; in fact, I'm pretty sure your record on HOLT is 3-2 (2-2 Tag).

Yeah, I know it's late again; get off me! This is the first time I've had to write in over a week, which is also, incidentally, why I wasn't able to finish my match for Lockdown... ================ SWF Lockdown HOLT report January 21, 2004 North Little Rock, Arkansas at Alltel Arena Report by Darrell Jeni of North Little Rock, AK Smartmarks.com reader Dark Matches: - John Duran beat “Fruity” Frankie Deed in 2:35. Funyon got on the mic before the match and made it clear that Duran was being sent out to jerk the curtain as punishment for trashing Grand Slam’s office. He didn’t even get his music on the way out to the ring, and we all chanted “Job Boy” as he made his way down the ramp. He really had no trouble with Deed at all, but I think he was pissed enough to take it out on the poor bastard. Duran finally put this match to its merciful end after five successive Blunt Force Traumas! Deed had to be taken out of the ring on a stretcher. - Williams Hearford beat Insane Luchador in 6:12 with the Capital Punishment. - Johnny Dangerous beat English Dragon in 5:00 with the MI Slam. - Todd Royal and Landon Maddix upset Bemani Cross Wizards in 8:18 when Maddix surprised Thoth with a backslide. - Dace Night beat Jamie Drazon in 8:44 with D.N.R. - Michael Craven beat Ann Onita in 14:06 with the Gulf Coast Crunch Lockdown: - I felt a little bad for the ring crew; they spent the whole commercial break after the Hardcore match clearing Wal-Mart flyers from ringside. Coy West got a surprisingly big pop for his first match, but it could have something to do with this being Arkansas… - Funyon got on the mic and announced that Sacred, Wildchild and Stryke had all gotten trapped in a mudslide, and would be unable to appear on tonight’s show. Flesher came out to accept a forfeit victory, and the crowd was PISSED! A few people threw shit into the ring, and that caused the ring crew to have to clean that up, too! - Man, that ICTV match was BRUTAL! It got so quiet in stretches that somebody in the crowd used an air horn just to wake everybody up! I don’t know how the hell he got in the building with an air horn in the first place, but security found him pretty quickly. Van Siclen recovered about a minute after Matthews went to the back, and returned to the locker room to a modest ovation. - It just goes to show how much people hate Va’aiga around here, when even Thugg could get sympathy pops against him! Va’aiga actually came back out onto the stage with a microphone after the show went off the air, talking about how he was going to do the same thing to all the guys at Clusterfuck that he just did to Thugg. Thugg, who was still in the ring, recovered and dared Va’aiga to come back down to the ring and get his shit wrecked. Va’aiga obliged and the two went toe-to-toe for about three minutes, with Thugg finally chasing Va’aiga out of the ring. The fans even started to cheer a little for Thugg, until he got back on the mic and made a bunch of racist comments about Arkansas to get his heat back. Biggest Pops 1) Grand Slam 2) Terrence Bailey 3) Coy West 4) Mike Van Siclen 5) Ann Onita Most Heat 1) Va’aiga 2) HVT 3) James Matheson 4) Charlie Matthews 5) John Duran