kkktookmybabyaway

8 p.m. • Gimmie the Pats. 1:30 p.m. • So in honor of my soon-to-be departure from my current job, let me take a trip down memory lane for what I like to call the “Nursing Home Roundup.” It was just over a year ago and my idiot boss was getting ready for our quarterly marketing meeting. Despite our head salesman also being on this marketing committee, he (nor I) never have any idea as to what would be discussed at this event. All that would happen is that our Board of Directors would come from out of state and rubber-stamp everything my idiot boss says. Right before this particular meeting started, the idiot tells our head salesman (I’ll call him Mike), to “follow my lead.” The idiot then gives a presentation about a newfound guaranteed issue promotion to get more money. This left Mike speechless and let me tell you why. I’m not an insurance salesman, and I doubt you are as well, so let me do an overview of what a guaranteed issue plan is. When you get life insurance, you have fill out some paperwork and undergo a medical examination. It is usually after these examinations that the insurer finds something wrong with the insuree and jacks up the original premium from the advertised amount that initially attracted the insuree. What a guaranteed issue plan does is eliminate the need for a medical examination. So who does this plan attract? Those people who are unable to get life insurance due to their health condition. Get it? Got it? Good. Right after this meeting, Mike was livid because he said this program was a terrible way to grow the organization. In previous meetings there was talk about getting insurance plans together to attract new members, and all this guaranteed issue plan would do is keep squeezing our already dwindling supply of customers. In addition, he said the only people who would get this plan are those too sick or old to get any other kind of insurance. And he was right. (And because this was a Guaranteed Issue plan, Mike [or any of our agents] didn’t get a commission on any sales they did.) After manually stuffing envelopes for a week (yes, my powers-that-be don’t believe in outsourcing this menial labor or investing in a folding machine), we mailed out more than 17,000 solicitations to our customers. What was our response rate? Years ago I was told in a college class that if a direct mailing campaign gets a three-to-five percent response rate, then champagne is poured and parties are had. We got less than a one percent response – I think the final number was around 110. And out of these 110, more than half were people older than 65 years of age. In fact, one person DIED just three weeks after being approved. Why do I call this event the “Nursing Home Roundup”? Because that’s just what we did. Instead of trying to market to young families or several other demographic groups that Mike said our organization desperately needed to reach, we went with those whose address is at the local hospice. When the results of the Nursing Home Roundup were given at a Board Meeting several months later, it was hilarious to see my idiot boss try to spin this disaster into a positive and said the following: “Did the Guaranteed Issue Plan produce what I thought it would? No. Am I disappointed by the results? No. This was the short in the arm that we needed.” It was then a director asked about some “costs” that weren’t included in my idiot boss’ report, pointing out that labor costs for the dozen or so office employees who stuffed the envelopes for a week weren’t listed (the cost to mail these letters out was well in the thousands – near the $10,000 mark). The idiot’s response? “You can do that.” By “do that” he meant “You can factor that in.” See, when you work with an unethical piece of shit, you have to listen to what this person actually says. Trying to get a liar to give you a direct “yes” or “no” answer can be quite a challenge. However, it’s also really fun to do. Here’s another example of watching what someone says. As our head insurance salesman, you would assume that Mike would be out on the road attending various public events, meeting people and making contacts. Uh, no. Despite having a $5,000 expense budget (which is a joke in itself due to its pittance of an amount), Mike is never allowed to spend this money. Mike only went to two events this past year with costs amounting to $800. The first trip he went on was for an insurance seminar presentation, and the second trip was some annual outing where he meets and greets clients and prospective members. This event was halfway across the country and only put in expenses for gas, tolls and lodging. When it was all said and done, that amount was just under $500. Once he turned in his expense form, he was asked, “In what capacity did you attend this event?” You see, Mike was dressed in “casual” attire and roamed throughout the event’s location talking to people as if he was “one of them” rather than being dressed in a stuffy suit. For some odd reason, people tend to feel more comfortable talking about life insurance and other financial issues in a casual atmosphere. I have no idea why. I would think walking into a sterile office environment with a suit-and-tie salesman would be ideal place to talk about someone a person knows nothing about. Why am I bringing this up? Because one time a Director asked the idiot boss why Mike’s ability to travel was limited. The idiot’s response: “Mike can go anywhere he wants.” See, Mike can go anywhere he wants, but it would have to be on his own dime, which of course he can’t afford to do. However, my idiot boss can spend several thousand dollars of our organization’s money to take a useless trip to California. And there's plenty more where this came from.

Went to the brother-in-law's place. Turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, corn and rolls. I’m not hard to please.

If you are looking for a career in writing or publishing, then you should be more concerned with building a portfolio (writing clips/etc.). In my job interviews over the years, not once has the question of my GPA ever been raised. If you still care about your grades, then focus more on getting on a Dean's List or other honor programs that will show you got good grades. One thing I can't stand when going to a white-collar job interview is filling out those same applications you received when you were in high school and applied for work in the food-service or retail industry.

It was mentioned in the next-to-last paragraph. Perfectly acceptable, if this is what he's best-known for up until his (alleged) DUI homicide. Now if the article started out with this information, then I would feel your pain. Well, not really, because I was pulling for the Yankees to beat the Braves.

11:59 p.m. • So the paperwork finally came through and I'll be working at another place of employment in '08. The question now is when do I quit my current job. For as much as I want to get the hell out of there, I just know if I do so Monday, they will do everything in their power to screw me out of my vacation/holiday time for the past week. Now I'm in the mood for some workplace stories, so expect a few in the near future. 12:45 p.m. • Good boy.

Quit being a hater. Leno can own as many of those things as he wants. From Wiki: Here's an article about his food service career.

3 p.m. • More fun at work. Peep the following e-mail exchange from earlier today “Do you happen to have the minutes from Meeting X in Connecticut?” “Yes.” “Well, I need them.” “You want me to bring them upstairs?” “Yes, since you didn’t let me know you had them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” “But they (the minutes) were addressed to me.” “I know that but you know that you don’t “get” them.” Just because they were addressed to me I should have known they were intended for someone else. Ok then. • Now we all know some of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male. But what about some of the worst things you can do to a Muslim female? Oh, yeah. Killing them. That would suck.

We are so not getting white anything. That's one thing we agreed upon. I don't care if it's a girl, I don't want any prissy, faggy colors. She'll just be a tomboy.

It'll probably be 4 months. And how much more shit could they observe in 90 days time? And I know my house will be overrun. I've accepted that fact. It's bad enough with our cats. I can't wait until Dessa starts pissing on anything that resembles a rattle or bib.

I'm sure we'll be mooching off of some people we know for baby stuff. And one thing we agree on is getting a crib that turns into a bed for when the thing gets older.

So did the wife go overboard in buying shit for your crumb-snatcher? (I'm guessing "no" because she's somewhat rational.) The better half is already talking about "baby's first Christmas."

10 p.m. • So the better half and I went out to the malls and shit today for some DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS sales. Meh. I don’t really care for the “Day After” sales because they’re not really that good. Plus everybody and their mother are out either returning gifts or spending money/gift cards they go the day before. As an added bonus, due to all the shit I’ve eaten for the last few days I think it finally caught up with me. Blech. To make matters worse, it wasn’t that cold out today (damn you global warming), and the jacket I had on was making me hella hot. Add up all these factors and I had the mother of all headaches today. Bummer. When we got home today I went straight for the Tylenol and the bed. I woke up about 10 minutes ago and figure that I better get my ass to sleep rather soon if I’m to properly deal with going in to work tomorrow. Then again, work probably won’t be all that bad, especially since I’ll have off Friday and Tuesday. Mother fucker, JJ is rolling around on the computer desk and he just fell onto the keyboard. It’s rather odd: the upstairs rooms seem to be his “lair,” although Max generally hangs up here, especially during the summer months. However, JJ will just sit up here for days at a time, only coming down for meals and whenever he gets a spurt of energy. Well, at least my headache’s gone. Oh, I almost forgot (or wanted to forget): We paid a stop to Babies R Us. When she was pricing cribs and all that other baby stuff she was aghast at the prices and said, "where are the baby items for those on a budget?" My reply: "Target." That actually got a laugh out of her. Oh, and there are these things called "Pregger Pops" that are supposed to help with morning sickness and all that other shit knocked up women go through. That's all I got.

There are a number of matchups that will determine playoff positions. If you are in postseason contention, I would recommend that you PM your picks to me. The first game of this week is on Saturday at 8 p.m. with the rest coming on Sunday. (14.5) New England @ N.Y. Giants Buffalo @ Philadelphia (7.5) (2.5) Carolina @ Tampa Bay (2.5) Cincinnati @ Miami Dallas @ Washington (8.5) Detroit @ Green Bay (3.5) Jacksonville @ Houston (6.5) (2.5) New Orleans @ Chicago (3.5) Pittsburgh @ Baltimore Seattle @ Atlanta (2.5) San Francisco @ Cleveland (9.5) (6.5) Tennessee @ Indianapolis (3.5) Minnesota @ Denver (7.5) San Diego @ Oakland St. Louis @ Arizona (6.5) Kansas City @ N.J. Jets (6.5) New England (nl-asshole 5-11) d by N.Y. Giants (Cartman 8-8) 5-6 NE: NE/BUF/TB/MIA/WAS/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/ATL/SF/TEN/MIN/SD/STL/NYJ/35 NYG: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/DET/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/SF/TEN/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/20 DIFF: BUF/PHI, MIA/CIN, WAS/DAL, GB/DET, ATL/SEA, STL/AZ, NYJ/KC Buffalo (Bob Barron 10-6) d Philadelphia (Harley Quinn 7-9) 8-6 BUF: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/17 PHI: NE/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/STL/NYJ/17 DIFF: NYG/NE, NO/CHI, TEN/IND, DEN/MIN, AZ/STL, KC/NYJ, 17/17 Carolina (Fazzle 8-8) d by Tampa Bay (Starvenger 9-7) 7-8 CAR: NE/PHI/TB/MIA/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/STL/KC/20 TB: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/WAS/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/20 DIFF: MIA/CIN, DAL/WAS, CHI/NO, STL/AZ, KC/NYJ Cincinnati (Teke 7-9) d by Miami (Spaceman Spiff 11-5) 8-8+TB CIN: NE/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/HOU/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/24(-38=14) MIA: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/16(-25=9) DIFF: BUF/PHI, HOU/JAX, 24/16 Dallas (Hawk34 10-5-1) d Washington (Human Fly 7-8-1) 9-6 DAL: NYG/PHI/CAR/CIN/DAL/DET/HOU/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/OAK/AZ/KC/11 WAS: NE/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/STL/KC/24 DIFF: NYG/NE, PHI/BUF, CAR/TB, DET/GB, HOU/JAX, OAK/SD, AZ/STL Detroit (Chazz1998 11-5) d Green Bay (Vitamin X 7-9) 10-10+TB DET: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/ATL/SF/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/17(-13=4) GB: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/21(-34=13) DIFF: NYG/NE, BUF/PHI, ATL/SEA, SF/CLE, 17/21 Jacksonville (Always Pissed Off 6-10) d by Houston (Bored 7-9) 7-9 JAX: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/17 HOU: NE/PHI/CAR/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/ATL/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/17 DIFF: TB/CAR, CHI/NO, SEA/ATL, TEN/IND, 17/17 New Orleans (Cena's Writer 10-6) d Chicago (Agent of Oblivion 8-8) 8-7 NO: NYG/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/STL/NYJ/21 CHI: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/SF/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/17 DIFF: NYG/NE, CLE/SF, STL/AZ Pittsburgh (Kahran Ramsus 10-6) d Baltimore (KingPK 7-9) 9-7 PIT: NE/PHI/TB/MIA/DAL/GB/HOU/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/NYJ/20 BAL: NE/BUF/CAR/MIA/WAS/DET/HOU/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/19 DIFF: PHI/BUF, TB/CAR, DAL/WAS, GB/DET, CHI/NO, IND/TEN, DEN/MIN, NYJ/KC, 20/19 Seattle (Steve Rogers 11-5) d Atlanta (King 6-10) 9-7 SEA: NYG/PHI/TB/MIA/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/27 ATL: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/17 DIFF: NYG/NE, MIA/CIN, CHI/NO, KC/NYJ, 27/17 San Francisco (Devo 11-5) d by Cleveland (sfaJack 9-7) 8-8+TB SF: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/NYJ/24(-7=13) CLE: NYG/PHI/TB/CIN/WAS/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/SF/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/NYJ/24(-20=4) DIFF: BUF/PHI, DAL/WAS, CLE/SF, DEN/MIN, 24/24 Tennessee (Cuban Linx 8-8) d by Indianapolis (Prime Time Andrew Doyle 7-9) 9-11 TEN: XX/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/SF/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/20 IND: XX/PHI/TB/MIA/WAS/GB/HOU/CHI/BAL/ATL/CLE/IND/DEN/OAK/AZ/NYJ/EP DIFF: CIN/MIA, DAL/WAS, JAX/HOU, PIT/BAL, SEA/ATL, SF/CLE, SD/OAK, KC/NYJ, 20/EP Minnesota (Danville Wrestling 4-12) d by Denver (Canadian Chris 4-12) 7-10 MIN: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/STL/NYJ/28 DEN: NE/PHI/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/HOU/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/NYJ/27 DIFF: NYG/NE, BUF/PHI, JAX/HOU, MIN/DEN, STL/AZ San Diego (Porter 9-7) d Oakland (Smues 8-8) 10-8 SD: NE/PHI/CAR/CIN/DAL/GB/HOU/CHI/PIT/SEA/SF/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/NYJ/38 OAK: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/16 DIFF: NE/NYG, PHI/BUF, CAR/TB, HOU/JAX, CHI/NO, SF/CLE, DEN/MIN, NYJ/KC, 38/16 St. Louis (Canadian Guitarist 5-11) d by Arizona (Vern Gagne 6-10) 6-9 STL: NYG/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/ATL/CLE/TEN/MIN/OAK/STL/KC/15 AZ: NE/BUF/TB/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/AZ/KC/31 DIFF: NYG/NE, NO/CHI, ATL/SEA, TEN/IND, MIN/DEN, OAK/SD, STL/AZ Kansas City (Alfdogg 9-7) d by N.J. Jets (Gert T 10-6) 9-9+TB KC: NE/PHI/CAR/MIA/WAS/DET/HOU/CHI/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/MIN/OAK/AZ/KC/17(-10=7) NYJ: NYG/PHI/CAR/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/IND/DEN/SD/STL/NYJ/17(-13=4) DIFF: NE/NYG, MIA/CIN, WAS/DAL, DET/GB, HOU/JAX, CHI/NO, MIN/DEN, OAK/SD, AZ/STL, KC/NYJ, 17/17 Pittsburgh (Me 10-6) d Baltimore (KingPK) 8-7 PIT: NE/BUF/CAR/CIN/DAL/GB/JAX/NO/BAL/SEA/SF/IND/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/XX BAL: NE/BUF/CAR/MIA/WAS/DET/HOU/NO/PIT/SEA/CLE/TEN/MIN/SD/AZ/KC/19 DIFF: CIN/MIA, DAL/WAS, GB/DET, JAX/HOU, BAL/PIT, SF/CLE, IND/TEN

9 p.m. • Slept in a bit this morning. Got Season 10 of South Park and a wireless remote controller from the better half. Got money and gift cards from the in-laws. With the plethora of DVDs I purchased this holiday season for myself, and with the lack of appealing after-Christmas sales that the local circular had for tomorrow, I think I'm going to hold onto these cards until some better sales come my way (New Year's/MLK/Presidents/etc.) Exciting stuff, I know. After I post this entry, I'll be on the phone to mom to let her know that she will, barring a miscarriage, become a grandmother. Oh, and also that the 20+ containers of stuff she has stored in our house needs to go in the next six months. I just knew there were some plusses to getting the Mrs. kkk preggers.

10 p.m. • So just whenever I fret about my child-rearing abilities, I come across an experience like I had yesterday. The better half and I went to her one friend’s house to deliver Christmas presents to her two kids. We got her five-year-old son an easel/art set and her two-year-old daughter a Cabbage Patch Kid. Well, when the kids opened their gifts, the daughter (Terri) went straight for her brother’s gift (I’ll call him Mike). No surprise. Who wants a doll when your sibling has this cool thing that you can scribble on? Well this of course brought a bit of the sibling rivalry, as Terri was badgering Mike by drawing on his canvass. Mike countered by yelling and the two were pushing each other around. Now Mrs. kkk’s friend’s boyfriend was getting annoyed by this. I make it a point not to criticize a person’s parenting style, but when Terri took one of Mike’s toy magnets that helped keep his coloring picture on the easel board and ran into the kitchen, which prompted Mike to give chase, the boyfriend got up from watching the televised NHL game, picked both kids up off the ground and nearly tossed both into the corner of the living room. Jesus Christ. Now I don’t live in this house, so I don’t know firsthand of the craziness that goes on 24/7, but this was harmless. Hell, Terri had a smile on her face and was giggling when running into the kitchen with Mike’s magnet. Anyway, this prompted both kids to start screaming and crying hysterically, and for what? For being kids. The boyfriend shouted out a number of obscenities, and I could tell if we weren’t there Mrs, kkk’s friend would have gotten into it with the boyfriend, who was also Terri’s father. I’ve said my fair share of negative things about kids, but I do know that kids will be kids. As long as they’re not monstrous trolls, then you should expect them to do what they do. But hey, they're not my kids. And they weren't getting beaten.

Because I'm a darn good psychic. Record is fixed. I'll be double-checking scores and records in the next day or so and then give playoff scenarios, etc.

AFC EAST Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 10-5 < PF: 112, PA: 104, AFC: 7-4, NFC: 3-1, DIV: 2-4 > Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 9-6 < PF: 109, PA: 112, AFC: 7-5, NFC: 2-1, DIV: 4-2 > New York Jets (Gert T) 9-6 < PF: 109, PA: 105, AFC: 7-4, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-3 > New England Patriots (nl-asshole) 5-10 < PF: 110, PA: 108, AFC: 4-8, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 3-3 > AFC NORTH Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 9-6 < PF: 114, PA: 103, AFC: 7-4, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-2 > Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 8-7 < PF: 116, PA: 108, AFC: 6-6, NFC: 2-1, DIV: 3-3 > Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 7-8 < PF: 107, PA: 118, AFC: 6-5, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 4-2 > Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 7-8 < PF: 106, PA: 119, AFC: 5-6, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 1-4 > AFC SOUTH Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 8-7 < PF: 114, PA: 102, AFC: 6-5, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-2 > Houston Texans (Bored) 6-9 < PF: 114, PA: 118, AFC: 4-7, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-2 > Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 6-9 < PF: 111, PA: 111, AFC: 5-6, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 2-3 > Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 6-9 < PF: 101, PA: 117, AFC: 5-6, NFC: 1-3, DIV: 2-3 > AFC WEST Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 9-6 < PF: 117, PA: 108, AFC: 7-4, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-3 > Oakland Raiders (Smues) 8-7 < PF: 114, PA: 108, AFC: 6-5, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 4-1 > San Diego Chargers (Porter) 8-7 < PF: 115, PA: 112, AFC: 6-5, NFC: 2-2, DIV: 3-2 > Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 3-12 < PF 110:, PA: 121, AFC: 2-10, NFC: 1-2, DIV: 1-5 > NFC EAST Dallas Cowboys (Hawk 34) 9-5-1 < PF: 108, PA: 102, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 7-3-1, DIV: 2-2-1 > Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 7-7-1 < PF: 117, PA: 114, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 4-6-1, DIV: 2-2-1 > Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 7-8 < PF: 119, PA: 119, AFC: 0-3, NFC: 7-5, DIV: 4-2 > New York Giants (Cartman) 7-8 < PF: 103, PA: 106, AFC: 1-2, NFC: 6-6, DIV: 2-4 > NFC NORTH Detroit Lions (Chazz 1998) 10-5 < PF: 119, PA: 115, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 7-4, DIV: 4-1 > Chicago Bears (Agent Of Oblivion) 8-7 < PF: 104, PA: 106, AFC: 3-2, NFC: 5-5, DIV: 3-3 > Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 7-8 < PF: 106, PA: 109, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 5-6, DIV: 1-4 > Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 4-11 < PF: 111, PA: 123, AFC: 0-3, NFC: 4-8, DIV: 3-3 > NFC SOUTH New Orleans Saints (Cena’s Writer) 9-6 < PF: 114, PA: 104, AFC: 3-1 , NFC: 6-5, DIV: 2-4 > Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Starvenger) 8-7 < PF: 109, PA: 111, AFC: 3-1, NFC: 5-6, DIV: 3-2 > Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 8-7 < PF: 108, PA: 105, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 6-5, DIV: 3-2 > Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 6-9 < PF: 102, PA: 108, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 4-7, DIV: 3-3 > NFC WEST San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 11-4 < PF: 113, PA: 100, AFC: 2-1, NFC: 9-3, DIV: 5-1 > Seattle Seahawks (Steve Rogers) 10-5 < PF: 121, PA: 106, AFC: 2-2, NFC: 8-3, DIV: 3-3 > St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 5-10 < PF: 107, PA: 114, AFC: 0-4, NFC: 5-6, DIV: 3-2 > Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 5-10 < PF: 98, PA: 120, AFC: 4-0, NFC: 1-10, DIV: 0-5 > PLAY AT HOME Pittsburgh Steelers (Me) 9-6 < PF: 112, PA: 103, AFC: 5-6, NFC: 4-0, DIV: 2-3 > AFC DIVISIONAL PICTURE: AFC EAST: If Spiff wins next week, he wins the division. If Spiff loses next week and Bob wins, he wins the division due to a season sweep. If Spiff and Bob both lose and Gert wins, he wins the division due to a better divisional record than Spiff. AFC NORTH: Kahran Ramsus has clinched the North due to tie-breaker. (Had to go down to TB #4: better conference record) AFC SOUTH: Cuban Linx has clinched the South. AFC WEST: If Alfdogg wins, he wins the division. If Alfdogg loses and Smues beats Porter, Smues wins the division based on a better divisional record. If Alfdogg loses and Porter beats Smues, Porter wins the division based on a season sweep. NFC DIVISIONAL PICTURE: NFC EAST: Hawk34 has clinched the East. NFC NORTH: Chazz has clinched the North. NFC SOUTH: If Cena wins, he clinches the South. If Cena loses, the winner of the Fazzle/Starvenger matchup will clinch the South based on a better divisional record. NFC WEST: Devo has clinched the West due to a season sweep of Seattle AFC PLAYOFF PICTURE: Pittsburgh Steelers (Kahran Ramsus) 9-6 ---> AFC NORTH CHAMP Tennessee Titans (Cuban Linx) 8-7 ---> AFC SOUTH CHAMP Miami Dolphins (Spaceman Spiff) 10-5 ---> Division Leader Kansas City Chiefs (Alfdogg) 9-6 ---> Division Leader Buffalo Bills (Bob Barron) 9-6 New York Jets (Gert T) 9-6 Oakland Raiders (Smues) 8-7 San Diego Chargers (Porter) 8-7 Cleveland Browns (SFA Jack) 8-7 Cincinnati Bengals (Teke) 7-8 Baltimore Ravens (King PK) 7-8 Houston Texans (Bored) 6-9 Jacksonville Jaguars (Always Pissed Off) 6-9 Indianapolis Colts (Prime Time Andrew Doyle) 6-9 New England Patriots (nl-asshole) 5-10 Denver Broncos (Canadian Chris) 3-12 Matchups of note concerning the Wild Card picture: Alfdogg @ Gert T in Week 17 Porter @ Smues in Week 17 sfaJack defeated Bob Barron in Week 15 Gert T defeated sfaJack in Week 14 sfaJack defeated Smues in Week 3 NFC PLAYOFF PICTURE: San Francisco 49ers (Devo) 11-4 ---> NFC WEST CHAMP Dallas Cowboys (Hawk 34) 9-5-1 ---> NFC EAST CHAMP Detroit Lions (Chazz 1998) 10-5 ---> NFC NORTH CHAMP Seattle Seahawks (Steve Rogers) 10-5 New Orleans Saints (Cena’s Writer) 9-6 ---> Division Leader Chicago Bears (Agent Of Oblivion) 8-7 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (Starvenger) 8-7 Carolina Panthers (Fazzle) 8-7 Washington Redskins (Human Fly) 7-7-1 New York Giants (Cartman) 7-8 Philadelphia Eagles (Harley Quinn) 7-8 Green Bay Packers (Vitamin X) 7-8 Atlanta Falcons (King Of The 909) 6-9 St. Louis Rams (Canadian Guitarist) 5-10 Arizona Cardinals (Vern Gagne) 5-10 Minnesota Vikings (Danville Wrestling) 4-11 Matchups of note concerning the Wild Card picture: Fazzle @ Starvenger in Week 17 Cena's Writer @ Agent of Oblivion in Week 17

Deadline has come and gone. PT Andrew Doyle is using EPs.

Really? I could have sworn they were in the 80s, too. I guess I should feel better knowing I got that wrong.

1 p.m. • OK, I got one of these what-were-you-doing-during-the-1980s and decided to give it a go. These answers will be the first thing that comes to mind. I noticed while copying and pasting the questions that there are some “favorites” listed. My first thought will be my “favorite” during the time. So if I'm asked about my “favorite 1980s athlete,” it would be my thought during the 1980s, not my “current-day” favorite athlete from the 1980s. remember when..... 1.How old were you in 1980? 4-5 2. How old were you in 1989? 13-14 3. Were you a Toys R' Us kid? Not until the local Children's Palace went under 4. Did you watch Transformers? Not really 5. Did you see E.T. on the big screen? I think so 6. Did you own a Lite Bright? I think so 7. Who is your Favorite Golden Girl? Sofia 8. When someone says " Who you gonna call? " You think? Ghosbusters 9. What was your favorite toy? Star Wars action figures or dinosaur figures. I got a few miles out of my Bigwheel, too. That was all before video games, of course. 10. Did you have a Pogo Ball? No 11. Did you listen to New Kids on the Block? No 12. What New Kid did you have a crush on? None 13. Did you play M.A.S.H.? You could “play” it? 14. Did you watch The Care Bears? No 15. Did you have Jelly bracelets? The hell are these questions? 16. Did you have a charm necklace and/or bracelet? Fuck no 17. Did you own a glo-worm? No 18. Did you ever own a slap bracelet? No 19. The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles? Neither -- if forced to choose, The Breakfast Club 20. Did you have a crazy hair style? No (only when I woke up in the morning before taking a shower) 21. What was your first bike? A shitty used bike with faggy handlebars I got for $20. Years later I got a Huffy BMX. 22. Name one thing you still own from your childhood? Oh Christ. My video games, sports cards, many of my action figures and cars. All are boxed up. I am meaning to one day re-organize my card collection, and I’m probably just going to have kkk Jr. play with my old stuff. 23. Did you have a Cabbage Patch Kid? No 24. Did you dress like Madonna? No 25. Rainbow Brite or Strawberry Shortcake? Strawberry shortcake, if only for the food factor 26. Did you watch Miami Vice? No, but I had the soundtrack 27. Did you own a pair of Jelly Shoes? No 28. Did you own a Trapper Keeper? Yes 29. Atari or Nintendo? Atari, then Sega 30. Did you play Pac-Man? Hell yeah 31. Which was better: Jem and The Holograms or Barbie and The Rockers!? Jem. There was a kid in school named “James” and we goofed on him with the help of said cartoon. 32. He-Man or She-Ra? He-Man. 33. What movie scared you the most? Wow. I can’t think of one. I know I always used to watch this weekly “Saturday Nightmares” movie-of-the-week thing and just about every one of those freaked me out in some way. Can’t remember any of the names though. 34. Did you try to dance like Michael Jackson? (Sigh) Yes. 35. G.I. Joe cartoon or comics? Cartoon, although I was never a big G.I. Joe fan. 36. Favorite 80's movie? Ghostbusters, although Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade popped into my head later. 37. Most nostalgic 80's movie? Hmmm, I’d have to say “Ghostbusters” again. Just the memories of where I used to watch that film. Then again, I remember watching “Hunt for Red October” in the theater with people SMOKING around me. Oh, how could I have been so stupid? Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Wait, were they in the 1980? Shit. Off by one year. 38. 3-2-1 Contact or Reading Rainbow? Huh? I remember Picture Pages -- does that count? 39. Muppet Movie of the 80's: Not a Muppets fan. 40. Favorite 80's sports dynasty? You probably can’t call the Pistons of the late 1980s-early 1990s a “dynasty,” so I’d have to go with the Boston Celtics (if you could call them such a thing, too). Didn’t like the 49ers because they were getting up there with the beloved “Stillers” of the 1970s in Super Bowl wins. Didn’t really follow basketball but I knew who Larry Bird was, so yay. 41. Best Sitcom? The Cosby show with the “new” Mamma’s Family a close second. 42. Favorite WWF Wrestler of the 80's? Sgt. Slaughter, with that KoKo B-Ware/Owen Hart tag team an afterthought. 12:15 p.m. • I need to check the last few weeks of my kkk Bowl matchups to see if I'm winning any of these contests. (3.5) Cleveland @ Cincinnati. Won't be as high-scoring as the last affair, but I'm hoping the Browns play like the playoffs are at stake. (9.5) Green Bay @ Chicago. I wasn't sure about this one. I'm hoping the Bears defense is so pissed off by the offensive unit that they mail this one in. Houston @ Indianapolis (7.5). Oakland lost by a touchdown last week. I'm hoping the Texans can do the same. Kansas City @ Detroit (4.5). Sure they are in a free-fall, but the Lions can win this one, can't they? Miami @ New England (100) (22.5). You're on a roll, Miami. Lose by just three touchdowns. (3.5) N.Y. Giants @ Buffalo. I don't think Buffalo will mail this one in, even though they are out of the playoff race. Oakland @ Jacksonville (13.5). Jacksonville will win by 13. I hope. Philadelphia @ New Orleans (3.5). I heard the Saints are sill in the wild-card hunt. No shit. Washington @ Minnesota (6.5). Here's hoping the Vikings win by 4. Also, I guess they are now the NFC team analysts are saying, "Boy I sure wouldn't want to meet them in the playoffs." Christ I hate that line. I feel the need to bitch about this cliche again, but maybe some other time. Atlanta @ Arizona (10.5). Hmm, I'm getting second thoughts about this one. No. Keep it as is. Baltimore @ Seattle (10.5). Seattle will win, but not in double digits. N.Y. Jets @ Tennessee (8.5). That spread seems too big for me. (6.5) Tampa Bay @ San Francisco. I'm gettng second thoughts about this one, too. Shit. Denver @ San Diego (8.5). I'm curious to see how the Chargers play in the postseason.

Saturday's deadline has come and gone.

8 p.m. • I'll take the Cowboys to win by 10+ points. • Atari Porn. That's all I got to say. 10:15 a.m. • So the primary car needs its annual inspection along with some brake work. We turned it into the gas station/mechanic’s place yesterday, and I had to wait 10 minutes for the poor cashier to get done ringing up some guy with a shitload of instant lottery tickets. Ugh. I’ve stated several times before that I hate lottery people, especially at a Quickie Mart. The point of a convenience store is to get in and out fast, and wanting to cash in a dozen lottery tickets, along with buying a dozen more, defeats this purpose. It’s like paying for 13 grocery items in a 10-item express lane via check. Oh well. I really wasn’t annoyed by this, but it was sad to see the poor cashier with the deer-in-headlights look because her line was growing due to this douche in front of her hoping to hit it big with government-sanctioned gambling. Where was I going with this? Oh, yeah. So I got the call this morning from the mechanic about the brakes needing replaced, which I figured. It was sad to hear the bracing-for-the-total-cost tone in his voice because I just don’t get how people will flip out over the cost of auto repair. Don’t like the cost? Don’t get the work done at that place of business. The price given to me was fine – my only requirement is that I don’t want to come back for the same problem a week from now. Then I will turn into my asshole state. • I actually went into this article with a somewhat open mind because I was curious to see how much of a commie Barack Obama was a decade ago. Oddly enough, many times I don’t care about the “OMG he said this 10 years ago~!” gotcha game. Before he became House Minority Leader in the ‘90s Dick Gephart seemed like a decent enough person. Problem was he was now the representative for all the crackpot liberals so he had to turn up the wacko-notch a bit. Even Al Gore seemed to start off as a conservative Democrat while in Congress before becoming the enviro-weenie he is today. So let’s see what Obama said back in the day. Whatever. I know the guy’s full of shit, but at least he’s saying the right things to convince the stupid among us that he’d actually be a so-called moderate voice. Hello, what’s this? You’re blaming a STAFFER for not giving accurate beliefs you are supposed to hold? And you never bothered to correct the record when it went out? Hell, you didn’t even bother to LOOK OVER WHAT THE STAFFER WROTE? OK, I’m done.

8:45 p.m. • So I had my gay-ass office Christmas party today. Whatever. I just showed up for the end-of-year check we all get. But more importantly this kicks off a period where I will be off work eight of the next nine days. Woo-hoo. Also, this means my new job is quickly approaching. • What ... the ... hell. Well at least these Brits have free government health care.

I'd have to go with this. After all, you'd also be outsourcing your lunacy to other countries. And then when the brown people launch an attack on our land after getting the time to plan thanks to your "diplomacy," the people I usually vote for will be back in office until they double the size of government (yet again). Of course, I'm sure you'd be all about bombing the white folks in furn countries that have a problem with Muslims overrunning their sovereignty.

Which one of the three would have you doing the least amount of harm to society?