Waiting until marriage......

[Guest SweetNSexyDiva]

Will kiss for the first time on their wedding day!!!

 

Wedding-day kiss will be couple's first

 

By Gina Kim

Seattle Times staff reporter

 

Jill Merry and Adrian Burwell began dating last November. They got engaged in May. But the first time they kiss will be Aug. 16 — at the altar, in front of more than 600 people.

 

For the couple, who met at a Southern Baptist evangelical church in Renton, not kissing, not hugging and not having sex before they are married is an avowal of purity.

 

"We have all the same emotions everyone else does. We just decided to put guidelines to it," said Merry, 26, of Bellevue. "We knew that if we starting touching, things were going to start happening."

 

While it is unknown how many of the almost 2.5 million couples who get married in the United States each year set limits on the physical aspect of their relationship, it's not uncommon in the 350-member community of Trinity Baptist Church.

 

Pastor Richard Seim said he does extensive premarital counseling, involving eight sessions with every couple, and talks with them explicitly about the limits they are setting.

 

The vast majority of couples he marries — as many as four out of five, he said — have committed to do nothing physical besides kiss and hold hands before their weddings. About one-third kiss for the first time at the altar, he said. And when he gave his own daughter away at her wedding, he felt sure he was placing her hand into her husband-to-be's for the first time ever.

 

"We believe the Bible teaches that a person should remain sexually pure until marriage," said Seim, who, along with Burwell's father, will oversee next Saturday's wedding.

 

Whatever people's religious beliefs may be, the prenuptial path Merry and Burwell are taking certainly places them in a distinct minority.

 

The majority of Americans today are sexually active before they are married, and more than half of all couples live together before a first marriage, said Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, co-director of the National Marriage Project, a research organization at Rutgers University focusing on trends related to marriage.

 

Whitehead is aware of efforts to emphasize chastity before marriage, although she hadn't heard of couples who refrain from kissing.

 

"I don't think it's strong enough to say it's a full-fledged movement, but there is a backlash among certain religious groups to return to traditional forms of courtship," she said.

 

 

ROD MAR / THE SEATTLE TIMES

Adrian Burwell and Jill Merry say intimacy can wait — even a kiss.

 

 

Religious couples tend to stay married more often than nonreligious couples, she added.

 

"But whether they are actually happier or whether refraining from physical contact (before the wedding) would strengthen a marriage, we wouldn't know empirically by any research," she said.

 

"I think a sort of sociological commonplace is 'like marries like.' And on those major, important issues, when people agree, that is a good sign. Perhaps their religious commitment and the fact they agree on these questions that have to do with sex and kissing means they are quite compatible and in sync with each other."

 

Merry and Burwell certainly feel their faith has led them to each other and a common lifestyle.

 

Although they had been attending the same church for several years, Burwell, 28, wrote Merry a letter in November asking if he could get to know her better. He admits he didn't have strong feelings for her at the time, but he felt drawn to her.

 

"I did have some emotion for her, not a lot," said Burwell, who owns a custom-cabinet business in Maple Valley. "But I knew deep down that this was the person God wanted me to have."

 

They agreed to date, and they both admit the first month and a half was something of an effort.

 

"God just opened our hearts and we really began to fall in love," said Merry, who wears a silver cross around her neck and has "JESUS" written on block letters on her key chain. "It was January of this year that everything just exploded and just changed. And we were both filled with a deep sense of love for each other."

 

Burwell proposed. Merry accepted. But they still didn't kiss.

 

"The only lady I've kissed is my mom," said Burwell, whose father is a pastor. "To me, the first kiss is one of the most precious gifts I can give away, and it's something I'll only give my wife."

 

Merry hasn't kissed anyone, either, mostly as a result of seeing friends getting in and out of relationships, she said.

 

"I knew I didn't want to date around and give different parts of my heart to different guys," she said. "I just decided I wanted to save my first kiss for my wedding day."

 

They do hold hands. And their fingers are often interlaced during their premarital sessions with their pastor, associate pastor and counselor. But that's where their physical contact ends.

 

"Today, it's like everything's backwards. You start on the physical level and then you get to know each other on a deeper, emotional level," said Merry. "We wanted to get to know each other on the emotional level first. And the physical is just the icing on the cake."

 

All rules are off once they are married and living in the Renton home they've bought, they said. They just need to get past the first kiss at the wedding.

 

"My only concern is that it's going to be so wonderful, one of us is going to faint," said Burwell.

 

 

I am the only one disturbed by this? Okay, so I understand of some people want to wait on the sex until marriage. BUT KISSING!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

[CanadianChris 0]

Yes, that's totally bizarre.

 

The one that got me was no hugging. That would be totally impossible for me.

[Spicy McHaggis 0]

They've been dating less than a year as well. Why would such a strict pastor like that marry them? What a bunch of nuts.

[EricMM 0]

it'll be a bad honeymoon

[Papacita 0]

Uh...it's kinda...um...cute...in a way.

 

Yeah.

[Lightning Flik 0]

More power to them for becoming deeply emotionally involved with each other before commiting to their significant other.

 

...and technically, I do understand that guy's thoughts. It would make the whole event a lot more special and it would be a nice gift to give to another.

 

Sadly, I gave my first kiss to a girl at the age of three. So meh. I don't have that luxuary of having the first kiss saved. *romantically sighs* She was my childhood sweetheart.

 

Too bad, we just became friends...

 

*suddenly coughs a little embaressed* ...ahem, anywoo, so like I understand that. And congrats to them.

[TSA09 0]

That is just fucked up. Okay no sex before marriage is one thing, but damn no hugging or kissing? That'll be one sloppy first kiss and like Eric stated a bad honeymoon.

[Guest HBK16]

Waiting for sex is understandable but hugging or kissing is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.

[Guest Fallen Angel]

Highschool girls have babies and this is "fucked up," "shocking" and "the most ridiculous thing" some of you have ever heard? That's pathetic. This shouldn't even BE news. I've got no problem whatsoever with premarital sex, and I'm sure some things will be awkward for these two. But if you can't see the beauty in this, you're extremely jaded. These two people made a commitment to each other and the things they believe in, and stuck with it until the end. That's not ridiculous; that's admirable.

[CanadianChris 0]

Highschool girls have babies and this is "fucked up," "shocking" and "the most ridiculous thing" some of you have ever heard?  That's pathetic.  This shouldn't even BE news.  I've got no problem whatsoever with premarital sex, and I'm sure some things will be awkward for these two.  But if you can't see the beauty in this, you're extremely jaded.  These two people made a commitment to each other and the things they believe in, and stuck with it until the end.  That's not ridiculous; that's admirable.

I'm sorry, but having no physical contact whatsoever IS weird. Neither extreme is particularly normal; that's why they're called extremes.

[Guest SweetNSexyDiva]

I agree with CanadianChris. Both ends of the spectrum are EXTREME. Being a cuddler, I can't imagine "just" holding hands. The hugging and kissing are important to me. I think that is what adds so much warmth and intimacy to a relationship, sans sex.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

I guess technically it's not up to us and if that's what they want then whatever.

 

Personally I think that's too uptight and I'm pretty conservative.

[El Gigante 0]

Thats just crazy in my book. But to each their own.

[Rendclaw 0]

all I know is that I couldn't do it. Leaving the religious aspect out of it, marriage is serious to me, as I have asked only two women to marry me in my life... and I would HAVE to know that person in every way before I even THINK about marriage...

 

Then again, when you add organized religion into it, it makes perfect sense to me.

[Guest The Old Me]

I think most people should eve have sex before marriage. Some people are just not compatible in that way. Sex is not everything, but it IS part of a marriage.

[Guest RugbyDiva]

I can't take the time to read the article... because the thread title itself made me go.. "What?!"

[Guest SP-1]

You know, I could sit here and explain why my college has similar rules about dating couples, why Christians tend to pursue that route, etc, why I will endeavor to follow those rules both on and off my campus should I get into a relationship with someone . . .

 

. . . but I highly doubt anyone would want to get into why these two people have actually done this beyond the surface level. Why? Because that would make them human, and as long as we can laugh at the faceless with base motives, we will be all happy.

 

Fallen Angel said everything else I already have to say. I'm proud of my brother and sister for their seeming committments up to the end.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

People really do mock what they don't understand.

 

While I don't share their opinions, I respect them, as I would respect anyone who places such intense discipline upon themselves. That was truly a labor of love.

[Nighthawk 0]

Discipline does not necessarily mean admirable. Hitler was disciplined. In this case, I doubt it's going to hurt anybody though.

[JHawk 0]

I won't mock this (to each their own), but I would never be able to handle the no hugging thing. No sex, sure. No kissing, pushing it. No hugging? You'd have to tie my hands behind my back.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

Hitler was disciplined.

Hitler was not disciplined. Hitler was insane. BIG difference.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

No hugging is just stupid. I hug my friends. I hug someone when they're down. I hug someone when they're happy.

 

So why in the hell wouldn't I hug my girlfriend???

[EricMM 0]

I wasn't mocking it, I was just saying that the honeymoon was gonna suck, at least physically.

 

I'm going to make some generalizations right now:

 

One, neither one of them probably masturbate, almost definitely not her. Therefore, I find it doubtful that she will be getting off anytime soon.

 

Two, I find it doubtful that either of them have ever talked about or seen or learned much about the various aspects of foreplay. Thus, again, she won't be getting off anytime soon.

 

Third, it's not even going to be an issue of foreplay because they're both going to be nervous, it'll last about thirty seconds, and hurt for her.

 

I mean I don't know if I'm saying this right, but sex shouldn't be a religious thing. I can think of many reasons why people wanted marriage to be related to sex, but I can't think of any reasons god would care if they're related.

 

Also, let's be serious, I hug and kiss my friends all the time. In many cultures, hugging and kissing and such are part of standard greetings. Physical contact is a big part of how humans and other animals interact, see grooming in apes. What I'm trying to say is that if I hug my friend and kiss her head because she is having a shitty day and needs to feel some reassuring contact, I am not being a bad person, I am being a good person.

 

Someone who would deny that based on religion is a REPRESSED person.

[CanadianChick 0]

Hmm...this is pretty out there. It's not a bad thing, but very much out of the norm of our society. I could never not hug someone. I'm a very huggy person. But if it's what they believe in, more power to them.

[Nighthawk 0]

Hitler was disciplined.

Hitler was not disciplined. Hitler was insane. BIG difference.

Ok, Charles Whitman then. He was a marine. You get the idea.

[NoCalMike 0]

Not kissing until you are married is one thing, but not kissing until you are married because you think some book has told you to do it, is just plain bizarre.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

It says nowhere in the Bible that you cannot kiss before marriage. It doesn't even technically say you can't have sex before marriage. It just says to not be sexually immoral. In other words don't be a slut or a perv.

 

Not having sex before marriage is more of a respect thing and also a smart thing.

[Big McLargeHuge 0]

Not having sex before marriage is more of a respect thing and also a smart thing.

Why?

 

Just wondering.

[Guest SweetNSexyDiva]

It says nowhere in the Bible that you cannot kiss before marriage. It doesn't even technically say you can't have sex before marriage. It just says to not be sexually immoral. In other words don't be a slut or a perv.

 

Not having sex before marriage is more of a respect thing and also a smart thing.

Thessalonians 4:3 For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication

 

1Corinthians 7:2 Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband

 

Mathew 5: 27-28 Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart.

 

Not preaching... because I don't have the right to... but here are some Bible references about premarital sex.

[Guest Fallen Angel]

Because there's the off chance you could forget your birth control, or the condom could break, or some other freak accident could occur, and you could find yourself faced with an STD or an unwanted pregnancy. Now, if an unmarried couple has been tested for STDs and is willing and able to raise a child, more power to them. As I said, I'm not trying to enforce my views, and I have no issue with couples who have sex before marriage. But there are consequences that come with that decision, and abstinence is far and away the best way to avoid said consequences. Furthermore, the last time I checked, sex wasn't a vital part of a healthy spiritual life. Our culture presses it on us as a value, and it is a very enjoyable activity, as well as a means of physical, spiritual, and hormonal release. But there are thousands or even millions of people not having sex on a regular basis or even an irregular one, and plenty of people who will die virgins, and these people by and large get along just fine.

 

Now, if that doesn't convince you to wait until marriage, hey, that's fine. But don't say you haven't been informed. Children and young adults in this country are taught these same lessons, and at increasingly younger ages. Ignorance is no longer a valid defense.

 

Again, I'm not trying to say that these people's beliefs are any more or less valid than any other. All I'm saying is that there's no reason to criticize, mock, or call these people names. If you want to question their beliefs, that's perfectly reasonable, but to call them "stupid," "repressed," or "bizarre" is unwarranted. Now, if there was evidence that they had no friends or were some sort of deviants, that's fine. But there are broad generalizations being made here based on one small article, and that's a shame. Yes, not kissing or hugging is an extreme. Yes, sex will almost certainly be weird for them. But just because those things are true does not make these people freaks or somehow stupid. It just makes them different than you or I, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I apologize for preaching. I simply cannot stand to see this kind of backlash against two people who have done nothing wrong -- at least, nothing documented in the article.