My Life Is Fucked Up.

[The Dames 0]

Before I even get into this, I'm not trying to compare what I'm going through to someone else's problems or have to defend myself for over exaggerating because the truth is that I'm just venting and I couldn't give a shit about someone else right now.

 

I've contemplated for a couple of days whether or not to say this, but I figure fuck it, you know. Some will accuse me of wanting attention and they're partly right, but for the most part, I just need to vent. I'm not looking for advice, so don't feel like you need to give any.

 

Basically, it boils down to this. I've constantly been in a crossroads in my life for the past 3 years and its taken its toll on me.

 

I am a college drop out. It's almost hard for me to say, but it's true...and it haunts me. It haunts me every day and it's changed me for the worse.

 

I went to a technical school that was very expensive (32K a year) and I did very poorly. While I legitimately got very sick up there and missed a lot of classes due to illness, I can't deny that my procrastination and poor time management helped cause a bout of depression and poor grades. When I think back on it, I get so upset because I didn't even enjoy myself. I didn't go to parties, didn't get drunk or go out on a lot of dates or anything....I was a fucking hermit.

 

So, in December of 2000, I made the decision to go home, take some time off and transfer to another school. Since then, I've had to deal with finding a job three different times, a harsh break up with a long time girlfriend and my first real relationship, 9/11, my mother constantly harping on the things I've needed to do and poor budgeting on my part leading to the fact that I still haven't paid off a fucking cent of the money I owe in order to obtain my transcript. I owe 18,000 in loans for a school I didn't fucking graduate from, 3,000 to the school itself just so I can get my transcript, I've got bills and nothing that really sets me ahead of the pack on my resume.

 

I feel like the past 3 years of my life have been stuck in limbo and the ONLY thing that I've done in that time that I'm even remotely proud of is this site and message board. Even that has started to piss me off lately, having to sort through a bunch of shitty topics and moronic replies in order to find something worthy to read.

 

Lately, I've been doing a lot of fucking thinking...and I keep having the same thoughts. I want to go back to school. Everyone makes it sound so damned simple, but this is the thing. Regardless of where I go, I'll always feel like a failure for letting my old school break me. Part of me wants to go back there just to remove this feeling and make things right, a part that's growing every day...but I KNOW I was miserable there and there's nothing besides the feeling of accomplishment that really makes me want to go back there.

 

Another thing that bothers me so much is my age. I'm 23 and if I go back to school now, I won't see a diploma until I'm 27 or later. That might not mean anything to you, but it does to me. Some of my friends have already graduated and they've got really good paying jobs. Hell, someone I used to fucking tutor has a job that pays 48K. I'm already behind the ball.

 

What saddens me most of all is how it's changed me. I put on a happy face and I try to be nice to as many people as I can, but I have to stop fooling myself. I am unhappy and have been for quite some time now. I've become very bitter, I've got trust issues and I'm quick to snap at those who are closest to me. Bottom line is that I haven't exactly been the greatest person to be around. I NEVER got pissed off or annoyed so easily and lately, I've just become a prick and I hate it. I'm rarely online anymore as my day usually consists of waking up late, playing video games to pass the time, going to a friends place before going to bed at around 6am.

 

I don't really talk to this to anyone because I usually get very defensive about it and start arguing with someone about it.

 

I say that I KNOW that I have to do, it's just a matter of doing it. But knowing what to do and actually doing it are two different things and as stupid as this sounds, I'm almost afraid to fix my life. I've gotten so used to my current situation that anything different makes me more uncomfortable.

 

So here I am at 5am, typing this out to a bunch of people who don't give a shit, or will probably piss me off with their responses or simply tell me that everything is alright, which will piss me off even more.

 

Whatever.

 

Dames

[Adam 0]

Dames, look, I'm not going to tell you that everything will be OK, I'm not going to tell you that you will be OK, that everything will be just fine and dandy, because only you know the questions you have to ask yourself, and therefore, only you know the answers.

 

I am not in that position, so I can't sympathise with you. The bottom line is that you want to do something that you enjoy doing. The only way that you will be happy is if you wake up in the morning and say to yourself 'I want to go to work because I like my job' or 'I want to go to school because ultimately it will lead me to where I want to be'.

 

You have to have the motivation, the drive to succeed. Look at your life, look at the things you can change, look at the things you want to change, and see how you can change them.

 

Don't be afraid. How is change for the better going to hurt you? You have become so used to the life that you have that you don't want to change it, but be strong, look at yourself and see that the change can only be good for you. It will be hard, I'm not going to lie to you, for you to go back to school, it would take a lot of courage, but fuck it, you can get it done! If you want to be a writer, go to school and be a fucking writer! Money is but a tool to keep everyone greedy and wanting more. If, once you finish your dimploma, you can pay off your tuition fees, do so. If you enjoy your job, its worth it.

 

You can change this. ONLY you can change this. If you want it to change, then bloody well change it. Don't be afraid, be strong.

[Lil' Bitch 0]

I see where you're coming from on this, Dames. You got all this issues to deal with and its overwhelming. I understand.

 

Now look what I'm about to type will piss you off, but I'm not gonna bullshit you, I'm not gonna suger coat. I'm going to be serious, but its what I can best advise to you at the moment. I'll try to keep it short.

 

You have many problems to deal with. Just take them one at a time. Don't rush it or else, you'll just aggrivate yourself further, you don't need that.

 

Don't be pissed about people you know that have succeded you, it shouldn't matter at all. Maybe its an issue of jealousy, but to me, I wouldn't give a rat's ass about how other people are doing besides their well-being because it shouldn't be affecting me just because I'm not Person A or Person B.

 

Look shit happens to everybody at one time or another, you just gotta be thankful its not worse, and you gotta take your ball and just roll with it.

 

You gotta meet challenges head on and you have to focus on completing those goals you have set. You have to have your mind set. You have to be strong no matter what. Because if you're weak, you'll just give up. And I don't think you want to be known for being a quitter?

 

So you can either be pissed off about how shitty your life (A lot of other people in the world have it far far worse), bitch about it, and just sit there expecting it to change for you.

 

or...or...

 

You can relax, get up, take in a deep breath, believe in yourself, have some confidence, and go out there and do what you gotta do to make the changes to better your life that you need done.

 

I hope this has helped you in some way.

[Guest SweetNSexyDiva]

I know you will probably think, why the fuck do I want to read all these quotes by some dead people. Personally, sometimes all I need are a couple of motivational words to get me through the day. Change, especially change that is for the better, is hard. It involves a certain amount of discipline and sacrifice. I know there are lots of things I want to change in my life too that I haven't had to courage to do yet. I am not saying everything is alright or will be, because that's really up to you. Choosing to be bitter (yes, I truly believe it is a choice) can either help you by prompting you to move forward, or it can bog you down so you are in a state of inertia. I think life is what you make it. Personally, I think life is too short to be bitter and unhappy.

 

Thomas Paine

The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly; it is dearness only that gives everything its value. I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink; but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death.

 

James Whitcomb Riley

The most essential factor is persistence - the determination never to allow your energy or enthusiasm to be dampened by the discouragement that must inevitably come.

 

Lee Iacocca

Boys, there ain't no free lunches in this country. And don't go spending your whole life commiserating that you got the raw deals. You've got to say, I think that if I keep working at this and want it bad enough I can have it. It's called perseverance.

 

Earl Nightingale

Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway; we might as well put that passing time to the best possible use.

 

Defeat may test you; it need not stop you. If at first you don't succeed, try another way. For every obstacle there is a solution. Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence. The greatest mistake is giving up.

[Guest Agent of Oblivion]

I don't have any chicken soup for the soul material for ya dames..I left school after going broke, moved home and sat there with no job for about 6 months before getting hooked up at a warehouse. I'm saving cash right now, which is for a ghey community college I don't want to go to, but it will get me going on the right track again, and save me a boatload of cash. As far as being negative and everything, well, that's how I always am. Don't fucking smile when you don't want to though. A good way to medicate your feelings towards that is to adopt a go to hell attitude, and just get your shit done, realizing that it will suck for about 2 years, working like a goddamn animal with stupid people you hate, before going to knock off a class or two at the local extra-high-school, all in preparation for going to a real university, and getting a decent paying job.

 

Embrace your apathy, don't smile for the sake of others, and live each day like there will be a thousand ones after it that could be worse.

[Red Hot Thumbtack In The Eye 0]

Dames, we are on a seemingly parallel path here. I think AoO covered the rest really. Embrace the fact that you are feeling like a miserable bastard and let that fuel you. Best of luck for the future to you.

[Ripper 0]

...

 

 

*hangs head for supporting the video game habit*

[Guest TheGame2705]

I pretty much am in the same boat except a little different. I got out of high school, got enrolled in college, dropped out. I took a year off. I don't even wanna be here and wanna go to a technical school but I'm so confused as to if I really wanna go into computer repair

[Firestarter 0]

Look at it this way, Dames. You might have ass hair in your mouth on top of everything else.

 

Just count your blessings.

[Ripper 0]

Look at it this way, Dames. You might have ass hair in your mouth on top of everything else.

 

Just count your blessings.

I think I know how I will cheer up my kids one day when they are down...thanks Marney.

[Guest TheZsaszHorsemen]

The only thing I can say, Dames is that what you just did, evaluating the problems in your life, is a very good start to fixing them.

 

Hang tough, everything passes.

[Firestarter 0]

Seriously, Dames, check out your local recruiting offices. You can enlist, and they'll pay off some of your loans as well as giving you a substantial sign-up bonus, plus they'll pay you to go to school and finish your degree, and then you can go for OTS in a couple of years if you're so inclined. The pay's excellent, the bonuses multiply, and depending on your state of residence your salary might be tax-exempt. I'd recommend the Air Force first, but I'm prejudiced. Check with all the different services for the best plan and go with it. You seem to have problems mostly with self-discipline, self-respect, and self-confidence, and all can be solved in about a month in basic training.

[Guest Plushy Al Logan]

You'll make it Dames, if not, just do what I do, and take it out, on people who definately have no future. As a result of that, I have found some friends. Recently, someone from my past, has rediscovered me, because we go to the same school.

 

I'm in debt too, but not to that extreme, so I can't help you there.

 

I'll cheer you up:

I can't even get hired at McDonalds, due to a "questionable background."

I'm twenty, and already balding, and turning gray.

Guess what happened to the only person who may have willingly had sex with me, I had her arrested, and she wont be back for a few months, she's in rehab, and she will pissed enough to kill once she finds out it was me. As a result of that I may remain a virgin for the rest of my life.

My family says I have no balls since I'm attending college.

My arms have developed some severe infection due to stress.

 

Come on Dames, you know you want to laugh at my pain.

 

I know what you want to say to that.

[Guest The Old Me]

That shit sucks man. I've had one hell of a depressive year too. Marriage almost failed, TWICE, puppy died, grandmother died. When it rains it poors man. Hopefully you'll feel better one day. I'm still down on myself, paranoid and untrusting and don't seem to be getting any better. They give you good drugs for that shit though.

[Stephen Joseph 0]

Damian buddy, we all have dark days

 

Remember, a blind man gropes a beautiful woman given enough time

 

=)

[Dr. Tom 0]

Dames,

 

You can get a Bachelor's Degree from the University of Phoenix in about two years. I didn't want to wait a long time, either, which is why I went with UOP. Look into it.

[Austin3164life 0]

Dames, I know things between us haven't been smooth lately, but all I'll say is that you're still young, at 23 years old, and you have plenty of time to get a good education, and thus go for a nice paying job to be set for life. I think you should go back to school, and if/when you do, take the ball and run with it. You are an intelligent person, and with great effort you can go far. Look how far you took TSM. I remember when it was still The Smarks on ezboards and now it's a very popular forum across the 'net.

[MrRant 0]

Dames,

 

You can get a Bachelor's Degree from the University of Phoenix in about two years. I didn't want to wait a long time, either, which is why I went with UOP. Look into it.

Don't forget it is 422 bucks PER credit through them.

[rising up out of the back seat-nuh 0]

You're still young dude. If you're unhappy with your life at the moment, now is the time to sort it out. Putting things off will only make things worse.

 

Also, in the bluntest possible terms, you need to get a grip on yourself. You are your own person. You shouldn't comparee your acheivements to anyone else. The only thing that matters id whether you are happy in your life, and at the moment you're not. Only you can change that. Get back into an active lifestyle. Get out of your rut. Find yourself. Hell, get rid of this board if it will help you come to terms with yourself: no-one could blame you for it.

 

Life's too short to worry about shit. You need to find a point to life, get a philosophy or religion or something, and start living.

[kkktookmybabyaway 0]

Boys, there ain't no free lunches in this country.

Unless you get the government to bail out your company.

 

Anyway, upon reading your post, Dames, the only thing that stuck out at me was how you're comparing yourself to your friends. Forget that. I never understood the purpose of trying to make as much/more money than the people you know. As long as you can pay your bills, put some in the bank and have a little left over, you're doing fine.

 

My advice, for what it's worth: Before you go into more debt, figure out what you want to do with your life as best you can. If that means going to a community college for a year or so, then transferring, so be it. If that means going into the military and having Marney as your boss, so be it...

[Ripper 0]

Yeah, everyone and everything around you will appear to be rich and happy when you are down. When you are alone, all of your friends will be seeing someone, when you are broke they will all have money. Thats life.

 

 

But if you look at it, it probably was the same way for them at one time, with you getting all the breaks and them going through shit. Its the circle of life...*cues up Lion King soundtrack*

 

*Circle of life instrumental plays in backgroud*

 

But the main thing you have to do is get out of the house. You can't sit there all day because it will only get you more depressed. Get out, see the world and indiscrimately hit on women with no intention of getting there number. You need to go enjoy yourself so you can sit back and laugh at the misfortunes and be ready to move on...

 

*Circle of life fades out*

[Dr. Tom 0]

Don't forget it is 422 bucks PER credit through them.

It most certainly is not. I pay $340 per credit hour (it went up from $320 in August), plus books. There are certainly cheaper schools, but considering I can get a degree faster thru them, and the government reimburses me, it's not that big a deal. I actually go to a live classroom, though, as opposed to the online programs, so the prices there might be different.

[MrRant 0]

Yeah I was checking the online version.

[Guest Smell the ratings!!!]

Shit Dames, you're too young to get all pissed off about what other people make. Down that road lies children and credit cards, not necessarily in that order. Frankly, you're not gonna be paying back anyone anything anytime soon, so don't let it get to you. If you really want to get back in school then just do it.

 

I have to ask though, $3000 for your transcript? What kind of scammy bullshit is that? I can get my Purdue transcript for free whenever I damn well feel like it, and they can't say boo about it.

 

ps - you better get used to the idiots unless you want to return to your hermit phase.

[Guest stardust]

I think he meant he owes his old school $3000 before they'll let him have his transcript. That happened to me when I transferred schools. I somehow ended up owing them a pretty good sum, the amount of which I do not remember, but it was more than I had (I still don't even know how, and that was three years ago). Luckily, my mom was able to get the money and I only had to sit out a semester (which ended up being a good thing since I had eye surgery that September and would've missed like two or three weeks of classes anyway because of that. Colleges can be bitch ass hoes like that, let me tell ya.

 

And Damian, I'm really not sure what to tell you since my normal optimism seems to have flown out the window for a while. It'll come back for like 12 hours, then leave again for about 48. This happens to be one of those 48-hour time periods. All I can really think of is save as much money as possible as quickly as possible to get your transcript, stop caring about how much money everyone else makes, go find a job (yes, I know, a laughable idea in this economy), and go from there. It'll at least get the ball rolling and maybe start getting you motivated. As for everything else...eh...if you feel like bitching and moaning to someone who you know is a willing listener, you know the screen name.

[LaParkaYourCar 0]

Here's my situation. I'm 25, I have a Bachellor's Degree in something I realized too late that I didn't really want to do, I owe $50,000 in school loans and I am barely making payments.

 

I want to find a new job, but I need something big, yet I'm not qualified enough for something big.

 

I have the talent to get into a career in Illustration, but right now I have no motivation. I guess that's my own fault, but I just don't have the time to work on a good portfolio with having to work to pay off $50,000.

 

But you know what. I'm just taking this one day at a time and I'm feelin alright. It's good to have a group of close friends nearby to keep you from going crazy. I have some friends from Church that I go do stuff with on a weekly basis.

[Guest The Winter Of My Discontent]

Dames, keep your chin up...you're still young. ENJOY IT!

[HarleyQuinn 0]

Here's my tip: Just do it...don't think about doing it, just do it!

 

A problem of mine is that I tend to think about doing something which only causes me to procrastinate further. However if I just tell my self, "You're doing it now period" and get up and do it without thinking than it's easier to not procrastinate.

[cynicalprofit 0]

I *heart* you dames....in a non homo, your a great guy, way.

[Guest Palumbo the Janitor]

Boy, I cannot stress how important some kind of degree is in this day and age. All I've got is a high school diploma, and I come home every night with someone else's feces somewhere on my person. Do the right thing, son.