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Posted

Scorpio: And to prove I'm not bluffing....

First UN Ambassador: Oh dear god, the Queensboro Bridge!

Other UN Ambassador: Maybe it just...collapsed on its own?

First Ambassador: We can't take that chance.

Other UN Ambassador: You ALWAYS say that! I want to take a chance!

Posted

Lee Carvello's Putting Challenge

 

"Ball is in, parking lot. Would you like to play again?"

 

*beep*

 

"You have selected, No."

 

 

TV: Its 11 o'clock. Do you know where your children are?

Homer: I told you yesterday, no!

 

 

"Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. At 3:00 PM Friday, local aurocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."

 

 

Marge: What did you do to your hand?

Silence

Mafia guy: (whispering) Boating accident

Skinner: I believe it was a boaking accident.

*laser gun sight shines on his forehead*

Skinner: I have to go now!

Posted

Ned: Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again.

Homer: No! I want everyone to know that -- [yells] this is Ned

Flanders, my friend!

Lenny: What'd he say?

Carl: I dunno. Something about being gay.

 

Posted

From the Super Bowl episode

 

Bar Fly 1: "What a game! How much you got riding on it?"

Homer: "My daughter's love"

Bar Fly 1: "Whooo, what a gambler!"

 

Homer: "If The Flintstones has taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement"

 

Maude Flanders: They were having S-E-X in front of C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N.

Krusty the Clown: Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down.

 

Homer Simpson: Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?

Posted

Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

Posted
Homer: Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: I gotta go Moe my damn weiner kids are listening.

 

I think Marge's line leading into that makes it even funnier. After Bart says the new school unis suck, she asks him where he hears such language then Homer says the above.

Posted
I've said it in here before... but I'll say it again.

 

"BARTDOYOUWANNASEEMYCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?"

 

 

Is that not from the same episode as "I'm cold and there are wolves after me"? Man, that's a great episode.

Posted

From "who shot Mr. Burns part 1" - my 2nd favourite Simpsons episode.

 

Smithers: But sir, every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafness with insesant hooting! The Town's sundial will be usless!!"

 

And shortly after that:

 

Burns: Take that Bowl-a-Rama! Taken that convience smart! Take that Nuclear Power... oh fiddlesticks."

Posted
I've said it in here before... but I'll say it again.

 

"BARTDOYOUWANNASEEMYCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?"

 

 

Is that not from the same episode as "I'm cold and there are wolves after me"? Man, that's a great episode.

Yeah it's Cape Feare. I think it's the best Simpsons episode.

It's also got the '9 rakes' gag, the 'Sideshow Bob getting trampled by a parade' gag, and Bob singing the whole score of The HMS Pinafore. And of course the previously mentioned 'Mr Thomson' bit.

Posted

And Ernest Goes Somewhere Cheap, "Hey kids, who wants to drive through that cactus patch?", "OH MY GOD! SOMEONE'S TRYING TO KILL ME! Oh wait, it's for Bart." "Oh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow got this tattoo on my BUTT." and on and on.

 

There's a reason that's many people's favorite episode.

Posted

My new favorite, as of a few months ago, is 'A Milhouse Divided' when Kirk and Luann get divorced. There's some great gags in there from Gudger College, Kirk's new singles pad, Kirk's demo tape, Homer's ocean sounds, and having one of the Doobie Brothers at Homer and Marge's remarriage. A great episode.

 

 

Posted

"Big wheel down at the cracker factory" is a good one, but I don't know if that's from that episode or the one where Milhouse learns how they salt crackers (dog sled) and get the peanut butter into the peanut butter sandwich crackers.

 

When Kirk get's fired:

Boss: "Maybe single people eat crackers. We don't know. Frankly we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without".

Posted

How could I forget this (probably because after 400 plus episodes a lot of the jokes run together)... A Milhouse Divided is home to one of my all time favourite gags.

 

*Establishing shot of "Stoner's Pot Palace"*

Otto: Man, that is flagrant false advertising!

 

Kirk: Single life is great, Homer. I can do whatever I want. Today I drank a beer in the bathroom.

Homer: The one down the hall?

Kirk: Yeah! And another great thing, you get your own bed. I sleep in a racing car, do you?

Homer: I sleep in a big bed with my wife.

Kirk: Oh, yeah...

 

Marge: I'm going into the dining room to have a conversation. If you want to join me, fine. (Goes into dining room and imitates a second voice) Hello Marge, how's the family? (In regular voice) I don't want to talk about it! Mind your own business!

Homer: Keep it down in there!

Posted

"Big wheel down at the cracker factory" is actually from "Homie the Clown." It goes (close enough, probably not verbatim):

 

Milhouse: "I bet you're pretty impressed my dad got Krusty the clown to personally appear at my party!"

Bart: "Eh, I have a feeling I could get him to appear at my house."

Milhouse: "Oh, I don't know, Bart. My dad's a pretty big wheel down at the cracker factory!"

 

Although "A Milhouse Divided" did have "That's Jerry. He's a major player down at the sewing store." "Well, thanks for introducing me!" "Don't worry, Homer, you know me! And I'm a superstar at the cracker factory!"

 

Similar.

Posted

Homer the Clown is a great episode.

 

Bill: Let me get this straight: you took all the money you made

franchising your name and bet it against the Harlem

Globetrotters?

Krusty: Oh, I thought the Generals were due!

[TV shows a Globetrotter spinning the ball as Generals watch]

He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it, take the

ball.

[the Globetrotter kicks it into the net behind him]

That game was fixed. They were using a freakin' ladder, for

gods' sakes.

 

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