Toshiaki Koala

Chip's Challenge. If you've played it, you'll never use the word "hard" in connection with any other video game ever again.

Good. It was.

This poll has nothing to do with brand, texture, or cooking method. It's all about the flavor. If you think potato chips are evil and give you cancer, don't vote or reply. Go and learn the error of your ways, then come back, vote, and reply. I always get a tingly feeling when I eat a jalapeno chip. Always.

Buy a microphone. I guess I could be interviewed too. And also pretend to be other people. That would be funtacular.

I don't know what a Cherry Coke Bash is, but I want to have one.

Who/what is Jumping Jack Flash?

Didn't Samoa Joe get squashed by Essa Rios back in 2001 or something? And if anyone can upload the Noble vs. Danielson matches, that would be super.

I was actually planning to call my referee Victor Fleming (one letter's difference), but Toxxic was already using the name Brian Warner so I decided to respect his decision. Extra credit for anyone who know who Victor Fleming was! About Toxxic's gullibility... I had originally prepared a promo similar to that one in which he was slightly more suspicious and standoffish, but it choked down large quantities of beefdart. Not trying to put you on the spot or anything, Toxx...

Without putting much thought into it, here is my Heaven card: MAIN EVENT Ric Flair vs. Steve Austin TECHNICAL TAG-TEAM FUN Bret Hart and Chris Benoit vs. Owen Hart and Kurt Angle (PROMO WAR PRECEDES MATCH) The Rock vs. CM Punk SUBMISSION MATCH Dean Malenko vs. Bryan Danielson ULTIMATE SPOTFEST LADDER MATCH Rob Van Dam, Rey Mysterio Jr., Paul London, and Jeff Hardy vs. Hayabusa, The Great Sasuke, 2 Cold Scorpio, and Jack Evans CAN YOU SAY "INSTANT CLASSIC?" Eddie Guerrero vs. Ricky Steamboat THREE-WAY DANCE, FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE Cactus Jack vs. Terry Funk vs. Necro Butcher BRING ON THE STIFFNESS! Toshiaki Kawada vs. Samoa Joe BATTLE OF THE HOSSES Brock Lesnar and Vader vs. Mike Awesome and Bam Bam Bigelow BLOND HAIR EVERYWHERE! Chris Jericho vs. Barry Windham RING-BREAKING CHALLENGE MATCH The Big Show vs. Andre the Giant And finally... SODOMIZE THIS! Stan Hansen vs. Rob Feinstein

Now you REALLY need to make a losing matches thread, Ghost Machine.

They should do a people version.

Wow, that's really nice of you, Tom. Even though, you know... WC wrote the match. But I was in the main event, and that's something I can always mention when trying to convince people I don't suck. I've been year a whopping four months, so I haven't done too much of note - but I would put that match down as my second favorite moment from my career so far. My favorite? Going over Pope Benedict XVI at 13th Hour, of course. It was truly an honor to share the spotlight with a figure so famous and respected.

Don't diss the AXUUUUUUUUU BOMBAAAAAAAAAAH!

Pardon my ignorance, but what's a boffin?

Chicken McNuggets give me massive, explosive midnight diarrhea. Chicken Selects only cause minor stomach cramps. Therefore, I vote for Chicken Selects.

Anyone who defends him is obviously unfamiliar with the Matt Hardy Show. He's a good wrestler, yes, but come on. He might as well just get the restraining order placed on himself.

Getting back on topic, I think it would be absolutely fantastic if the ROH crowd booed this psychopath out of the building like they did his brother. And, knowing how they've responded to other "big names" in the past (Jeff and Konnan, anyway), there's a very good chance of that happening.

The only match I've seen on that list is Sasuke vs. TAKA, and it's an easy ****. The highspots are crisp but are connected by fluid transitions, so it never becomes an all-out spotfest. Second-best juniors match in WWF history after Scotty/Malenko from Backlash 2000.

The Pretzler House is very white, and, even when it's raining outside, extremely dry.

The Western Lariat is the best finisher ever. It's so simple and easy to hit but looks absolutely DEADLY because of Hansen's size and the force he puts into it, not to mention the fact that almost no one ever kicks out of it. No other move is so closely identified with the wrestler who uses it; the whole time you're watching a Hansen match, you can't help but think "When will he hit the lariat?" It adds automatic suspense to every match he's in. Plus, it's just a great looking move and can be hit from any position imaginable (check out his matches with Kobashi in 1993 to see what I mean.)

People really need to get a sense of perspective on this. If the ROH title appeared on WWE TV, 95% of the people watching would scratch their heads vacantly and think "What the hell is that?" Of course ROH puts out a better product, but that doesn't mean most wrestling fans are aware of its existence.

By the way, this is the original banner *I* made for Pretzler. Sucks, doesn't it? Yeah, I know your Pretzler banner was in a different thread. But people aren't reading that one anymore.

“…It’s so refreshing, in an age and a promotion where finisher burning has become not only tolerated but required, to see a match in which every move means something, in which something that happens at the beginning can have a drastic effect later on. The fact that it’s an iron man match, where multiple falls are expected, may be a reason for this. Credit, though, must be given where it is due. Certainly, Wildchild does his best to steer it into spotfest territory, but his opponent is so skilled that things remain safely under control, and the result is a match that’s not only one of the year’s best but one of the finest examples of carrying and covering that you’re ever likely to see. Four and one-quarter stars.” Scott Pretzler, standing backstage in front of a large SWF logo, lowers the computer printout in his hand. Having finished reading his 13th Hour Workrate Report, he now addresses the audience directly. “Now, I’m not one to be throwing out snowflakes like it’s Christmas in Maine. When I give a rating like that, you’d better believe I mean business.” PRETZ-LER SUCKS! PRETZ-LER SUCKS! “When I give a rating like that, you’d better believe I mean business.” By repeating himself, he hopes to silence the fans. It doesn’t work. PRETZ-LER SUCKS! PRETZ-LER SUCKS! ”When I give—shut up! The longer you do that, the longer I’m going to stand here. Is that what you want?” They begin to quiet down, now only booing him gently. “Of course, the fact that I was in the match – naturally that’s going to result in some bias. Can I help it, though? Should I just stop wrestling so I can review ‘objectively,’ thus starving the industry of one of its most reliable talents? Should I put down my pen and deprive tens of loyal readers" (he smiles at the self-deprecating joke) "of my rapier wit and penetrating insight? No. I’m going to have my cake and I’m going to eat it. Now, back to business.” He adjusts his collar. “At Thirteenth Hour, I proved to all of my detractors that pure, unblemished wrestling does have a place in the main event. That cruiserweight wrestlers can headline a show and draw both money and acclaim. Mr. Flesher, I’m sure you had doubts as to whether your booking decision was the proper one, but let me make it absolutely clear: you could not have asked for a more successful main event. I say that as a fan, as a critic, as a worker, and as a participant – and I say it with absolute sincerity. Amazingly enough, many of the yokels in attendance actually stood up and cheered during the match, which is something they don’t often do when not prompted by cue cards or a snappy catchphrase!” BOOOOOOOOO! “My point exactly. I could go on for hours about the virtues of my match—“ “God, no!” Longdogger Pete suddenly shouts with horror. “—but that would be nothing more than ego-stroking, something that has no place in this business. No, there is a much more important issue at hand. It concerns the SWF Cruiserweight Championship.” A momentary silence falls over the crowd. “Alright, look,” Pretzler says slowly. “It’s, uh, very sad that the Insane Luchador has… passed away. But he is dead, and the time has come to move on. I’ll admit it right now – I was never a fan. He was one of those people, like Wildchild, who just didn’t seem to respect the wrestling business, who didn’t realize that he was damaging the industry by popularizing a destructive style. And how exactly was he a luchador? He was white, spoke English, and he didn’t wear a mask. Huh?” FUCK YOU SCOTT! FUCK YOU SCOTT! “Folks,” says Pete somberly, “the views expressed by Mr. Pretzler are solely his own and do not represent those of the SWF management. Mr. Rickmen was a beloved competitor…” “I’m sorry, that was out of line. The reason I brought this up in the first place is that, obviously, something must be done with the title. And, as much as I hate to admit it… well, when Rickmen bit the dust, there was a Number-One Contender. Me. Some of you may be too young to remember this – I myself wasn’t even born yet – but when the interior of President John F. Kennedy’s limousine was redecorated with his brain matter, the presidency was immediately assumed by Vice President Johnson. Do you see what I’m getting at here? We may not have been close, but I think Rickmen would agree that logical way out of this is through a bloodless transfer of power to the next in line.” BOOOOOOOOO! “There is one more thing that must be said, and it concerns Wildchild. Undoubtedly, Mr. Child will attempt to petition the management to have the first shot at my new cruiserweight title, or even to receive the opportunity before the belt becomes mine. That is beyond my control. What I can guarantee is this: when I am champion, I will do everything in my power to make sure he never gets another chance to become Cruiserweight Champion. Do I respect him? Yes and no. While our relationship was never about respect, at Thirteenth Hour he took me to the very boundaries of my endurance. He may be a bad wrestler, but he’s a hell of an opponent. However, his decisive defeat in that match seems to have taught him nothing. Seeing him go out there and put on a gymnastics routine against our other Luchador – an actual Mexican this time – showed me as much. The fact remains that he can't tell an arm bar from a nudie bar.” E-L-M! E-L-M! E-L-M! “Indeed. But as I said, this was never about respect. To be honest, I just don’t see the point of having another match with him. I mean, Thirteenth Hour was the blowoff. I beat him, fair and square, in the middle of the ring, and that was that. I’ve already proven that I’m better than him. So why drag it out? Sometimes, Water Closet, you just have to give up.” DUB-CEE! DUB-CEE! “Enough already! On a less fortunate note, Revolution Zero is no more. I just want to say that it was an honor to be part of such a hard-working and honest group of people, and I will remain good friends with all of them. I think, to a certain degree, it just wasn’t possible for three people going in radically different directions to remain a cohesive unit. Myself, the rising star; Toxxic, the former champion struggling to hang on in the twilight of his career; and Johnson, content to stay somewhere in the middle… it’s sad, but after a while we were a group in name only. Still, the legacy will live on. Unlike most of the wrestlers here - and certainly unlike all of you - the things we accomplished will never be forgotten.” He nods to the cameraman and walks away, a cascade of boos following him.

Just goes to show you what happens when you put Pretzler over. In all seriousness, I'm extremely grateful that you did so, and if I haven't thanked you already, thanks a lot!

Sorry I never responded to your PM about that, JJ. But yes, I'd certainly like to keep teaming with you.