Mr. S£im Citrus

SWF Smarkdown HOLT report April 4, 2005 Billings, Montana, at Metrapark Arena Report by Raymond Robertson of Billings, Montana, Smartmarks.com reader Dark Match: - English Dragon beat Blank with a Dragon Suplex. Joker’s Wild Tapings: - Stryke beat Uncle Filthy in 3:00 with the Low End Theory. - A highlights package from Lockdown was aired, showing the Finals of the SWF Belt Tournament. Bobby Riley then caught up with Jay Hawke right after the match for a Joker’s Wild exclusive interview. Hawke blamed office politics for making him have to put his first title on the line immediately after he won it, pointing out that Pretzler went several weeks after winning the Cruiserweight Title before he had to defend it, and implying that Pretzler had been “anointed” by the powers that be. - Ebony and Chance Silver beat John Duran in 8:25 in a handicap match, when Ebony nailed Duran with the Man is Obsolete splash. Afterwards, Silver tried to shake Ebony’s hand, but she caught him in the Eboniser, and left him holding his own gonads in the ring. - Jamie Drazon and Perfect Bo beat Brian Levy and Tokyo-X 4:41, when Bo made Tokyo-X submit to Perfect Pain. - Dace Night beat Martin Hunt in 6:09 with the Defenestration. - The second highlights package showed the main event of Lockdown, featuring Pretzler’s submission victory over Wildchild. They then showed a graphic that indicated that Cyclone Comet would have an exclusive interview for Joker’s Wild with the winner of the Cruiserweight Title match on Smarkdown. - Landon Maddix made Austin Sly submit to the Land of Nod in 11:58. Smarkdown: - I don’t like Toxxic trying to get in Johnny’s head like that; Wild and Dangerous have enough drama between them, without Toxxic trying to split them up. - Manson tore up the ringside area after his match, and had to be escorted away from the ring by security; I’m guessing that he wasn’t happy about losing to a rookie. - I’m still not sold on Ejiro trying to change his ways, but it was definitely surprising to see him drop the chain. That Dragon Whip to get the win was sweet. - Well, I guess that’s what being cocky gets you; Spike had nothing to gain and everything to lose when he accepted Mak’s challenge for a rematch, and now he’s lost the Number One Contendership. - Helluva Cruiserweight match! Pretzler fought with everything he had, and showed that he’s the real deal, but Wildchild showed why he’s the cream of the Cruiserweight division. Awesome match! - Mak Francis snuck up behind Toxxic as he was celebrating on the ramp, and Toxxic nearly fell down when he turned around and saw Mak in his face! Mak helped him up, though and walked on down to ringside, inviting Toxxic to join him. Mak offered him a beer, which, of course, Toxxic refused. Mak then said that he’d heard that Toxxic had a great singing voice, and goaded Toxxic into singing a song. They sang “Back in Black” together. Then Jet came down and the three of them sang “Help” by The Beatles, with Jet doing a great job of singing the vocals. The crowd ate it up; Toxxic showed way more personality than I thought he was capable of. Just as they started into a rendition of “Hey Jude,” however, Mak nailed Toxxic with a Yakuza Kick! The fans went crazy as Mak threw Toxxic into the ropes before hitting The Truth Hurts. He then gave the sign for the Franchise Tag, but Jet pulled Toxxic out of the ring. Mak posed in the ring for a few minutes afterwards before finally leaving, and then Funyon got into the ring to thank everyone for coming out. Biggest Pops 1) Mak Francis 2) Wildchild 3) Todd Cortez 4) Spike Jenkins 5) Ejiro Fasaki Most Heat 1) Toxxic 2) Scott Pretzler 3) Jay Hawke 4) Manson 5) Li’l Buck

Five favorite Jon B songs: 1. Gone Before Light 2. Hands on U 3. Don't Talk 4. Can We Get Down 5. Mystery 4 Two

Shucks; that makes me wish I'd left in the four hundred words I had to take out of my match...

Maybe I'm just too old/take life too seriously for my own good, but I find these people's insistence that RP's be "funny" or "witty" to be incredibly annoying; what if you have the ability to write a decent RP, but you just plain don't do "schtick?" Drea, for example, is a gifted comedy writer, but I just can't write like that; I feel uncomfortable even trying to write "funny."

Hey Raynor, if we have a preference on who we'd like to see win, can we send you a bribe, too?

.... Stipulated.

SWF Lockdown HOLT report March 30, 2005 Boise, Idaho, at Idaho Center Report by Gideon Sworden of Dammeron Valley, Utah, Smartmarks.com reader *YAWN!* Man, I'm still a little sleepy! I didn't get home until five in the morning! But, more on that later… Dark Match: - Jack the Ripper beat JT Playa with the Whitechappel Faceslam. Grand Slam Tapings: - Martin Hunt Beat Ryan Dustin in 2:45 with Sweet Southern Comfort. - A highlights package from Storm was aired, focusing on the SWF Belt tournament. They talked about Johnny beating Landon Maddix to regain the ICTV Title, ending Landon's record-setting title reign. - Ebony beat John Duran in 6:18 with a rollup. Duran dominated pretty much the entire match, and appeared to have it won, when Chance Silver ran down to ringside to distract Duran, enabling Ebony to sneak up behind him in the confusion. Duran looked like smoke was going to come out of his ears, but he could only watch as Silver ran through the crowd to get away. - Déjà Vu beat Tokyo-X and Uncle Filthy in 4:24 with Double Jeopardy. - Jamie Drazon beat Brian Levy in 3:51 with JD's Avenge. - Another highlights package from last week's Storm was shown, this one featuring Toxxic's victory over Wildchild, and the subsequent beatdown of WC by Revolution Zero. - Spike Jenkins beat Perfect Bo in 10:33 with the Silver Lining. Lockdown: - The only thing I find more unbelievable about there being a shooting at a wrestling event… in IDAHO … was that the SWF decided to edit the whole damned thing out of the show! Who are they kidding? The cops came and cleared out that whole side of the arena, and as soon as the Johnson/Ordonez match was over, they put the show on hold for almost two hours until they got everything back under control. - Rule! Muh-fuckin' RULE! 'Nuff said! - I almost feel bad for Jay Hawke… or, at least I would, if he wasn't such a condescending prick! Finally wins some gold in the JL, only to lose it in his first title defense; and now, that belt doesn't even exist any more, so that's one less title for him to try and win. Props to Johnny for winning the belt, whatever he decides to call it; I can't help but wonder, though, if Johnny's obsession with winning this gold has given him a little “tunnel vision,” but I'll touch on that in a second… - I was in total shock by the way the Main Event went down; I mean, it was surprising enough in itself, just to see Wildchild working together with Todd Cortez, since I know WC has beef with the Urban Legend. But to see Toxxic forfeit a chance to win a match, just so Pretzler can finally get one up on Wildchild? That was a huge surprise. Of course, the one question I was left asking, just like when I watched Storm on TV last week was: where was Johnny? Johnny and WC are supposed to be closer than brothers, so where was Johnny while WC was getting beat down two shows in a row? Biggest Pops 1) Johnny Dangerous 2) Wildchild 3) Landon Maddix 4) Todd Cortez 5) Ejiro Fasaki Most Heat 1) Scott Pretzler 2) Toxxic 3) Jay Hawke 4) Austin Sly 5) Mohammed Koran

Well, it was. Except for the part when they... oh, what's the word... shot him?! Aside from that, though, I thought that Triple-J's match was solid, for a rook. - I'm starting to dig this Koran guy; I like the way that he hasn't let a couple of losses stop him from advancing his character. I just hope that he doesn't get discouraged too soon. Besides, anybody who uses decimals in their stats ought to get some play, right? - Ejiro~! Ejiro's back! The counterpart to the best creative period of my career; maybe now I'll be able to break out of this malaise I've been in ever since that dreadful Coy West experiment (no offense, Mark) - Big ups to my double main main Johnny D on winning the (insert name here) belt! Everybody loves to hate on this guy, and all he does is beat people; I got nuthin' but love for ya, Johnny! - I thought that the promo before the ME was excellent, and the ME itself was pretty well done, itself. The only beef that I had was early in the match, where you had WC and Todd Cortez working together; they wouldn't have actually done that, seeing as how WC doesn't like Cortez.

Yeah... I didn't show... I'll put up a HOLT later.

.... Funny how quickly a hot streak can turn into a slump...

This just goes to further prove what I've known forever; Stryke's predctions are the kiss of death...

I understand that; I meant, "what do you mean 'did," as in "what's up with the past tense?" It still makes me a sad panda to think about it... I just don't bring it up often, because I like Taamo, and I'm sure that it had everything to do with the character (Flesher being Flesher), rather than being done as a 'fuck you' to me... Still, that's the only singles belt I care about, so I wasn't pleased about seeing someone use it as a salsa bowl; still brings up unpleasant memories...

Well, it's the 26th where I am now, so let me be the first to say Happy Birthday to the only man in the fed that's older than me IRL. :: bows down before the real Old Man of the Fed ::

What do you mean, "did?"

.... Wait, what? I just caught this part. What the hell do you mean, "no rules?" :: goes back and reads card :: Oh... well that really fucks up my match... Eh, I'm probably not going to win, anyway; no offense, Toxxic, but I had a hell of a time trying to motivate myself to write, and I didn't have anything close to my best stuff for this.

Well, now that I'm done with that, I guess I can start on my match...

SWF Smarkdown HOLT report March 21, 2005 Portland, Oregon, at Rose Garden Report by John Welling of Eugene, Oregon, Smartmarks.com reader Dark Match: - Ebony beat Tokyo-X with the Loving Embrace. Jokers Wild Tapings: - Alan Clark beat Brian Levy in 4:41 with the Aftershock. - Highlights from SWF Grand Slam were shown, when Perfect Bo and Jay Dawg beat John Duran and Chance Silver. Afterwards, Duran beat down Silver. Kevin Cole interviewed Duran, who blamed Silver for blowing his chance to get back on prime time. He said that he was going to put a beating on the Paladin that he wouldn’t soon forget. - John Duran defeated Chance Silver in 3:18 with Blunt Force Trauma. - Dace Night and Dominic Korgath beat Déjà Vu in 6:24 after they hit Kris with a double-chokeslam. - Jamie Drazon beat Evan Wolfe in 3:57 with JD’s Avenge. - They showed highlights from the community relations projects that the SWF held in the Portland area during the week, as well as the autograph session that was conducted at Whitman Elementary School. - Landon Maddix and Toxxic wrestled to a double-disqualification in 12:35. Smarkdown: - I’m the guy who yelled the Pulp Fiction line at Pretzler; fucker was boring the shit out of me. He’s got to be the lamest guy since Grappler… - Since the Koran/Hunt match was shorter than planned, there was an impromptu divas match, which saw Megan Skye beat Rashelle Moore with a sunset flip. - Johnny continued to taunt Maddix from inside the ring and, for a minute, it looked like Maddix was going to get in there to get a piece of the Barracuda, but he faked him out at the last minute, and headed back up the ramp. - I’ve been a Spike Jenkins fan for a while, so I was happy to see him win a big match; I can’t wait until he kicks Toxxic’s ass! Biggest Pops 1) Spike Jenkins 2) Wildchild 3) Landon Maddix 4) Mak Francis 5) Johnny Dangerous Most Heat 1) Scott Pretzler 2) Austin Sly 3) Mohammed Koran 4) Jay Hawke 5) Manson

Is there any reason why the show itself is at the actual Space Needle, seeing as how Key Arena is just down the street from it?

And here I thought you were just selling the WR...

The ‘CSOOW-qualified’ edition! ============================================== SWF Lockdown HOLT report March 16, 2005 San Francisco, California, at Cow Palace Report by Christian Hollinsworth of Oakland, California, Smartmarks.com reader Dark Match: - Cutthroat beat JT Playa with a rollup. Grand Slam Tapings: - Stryke defeated David Cross in 4:31 with a tornado DDT. - A highlights package from FTF was shown. - Jamie Drazon and Perfect Bo beat John Duran and Chance Silver in 6:15 when Bo made Silver submit to Perfect Pain. Afterwards, Duran verbally accosted Silver before hitting him with Blunt Force Trauma, and leaving him lying in the ring. - Dace Night beat Martin Hunt with Defenestration in 3:02. - Mak Francis came out and cut a promo about he had suffered a few setbacks since his return to the SWF, but that he “ain’t goin’ out like that.” He said that he was going to prove to everybody in the SWF that he is the one Franchise Player in professional wrestling, which got a strong pop. - Another highlights package from FTF was shown, featuring the last three minutes of the Main Event. - Toxxic beat Annie Eclectic in a non-title match in 8:44, with the Toxxic Shock Syndrome. Lockdown: - Toxxic and Scott Pretzler ran down to the ring after Spike, but he ran into the crowd to get away from them. Together they helped Davis backstage. - Hawke and Sly screamed at the referee for, like, three minutes after the match, complaining that Sly’s foot was on the ropes, but Red Herrington wasn’t trying to hear it; evidently, it’s not against the rules to push someone’s leg off the ropes. - There was a brief intermission when they gave away SWF merchandise. During the intermission, Funyon announced that tickets were going on sale next week. - God damn! Whoever they have on the medical staff deserves a raise! I would have sworn that Spike broke Davis’ ankle, but damned if he didn’t come out for the main event; he must have been on enough painkillers to knock out an elephant! Biggest Pops 1) Todd Cortez 2) Wild and Dangerous 3) Spike Jenkins 4) Mak Francis 5) Alan Clark Most Heat 1) Scott Pretzler 2) Sean Davis 3) Jay Hawke & Austin Sly 4) Archie Griffon 5) Mohammed Koran

Even me?

1988: Team Demolition vs. Team Powers of Pain. I love tag matches, and this was during the golden age of tag teams in the WWF; it seemed like just about everybody involved in the match worked well together, and the commentary was on point. Ventura/Monsoon is my personal favorite commentary team of all time, and this match is one of the reasons why; not as much witty banter as Heenan/Monsoon, but I always felt that they gave the matches they called a more "realistic" feel. Favorite spot: Barbarian knocks a Conquistador (I think) into the corner, where he makes the tag to Tully Blanchard. Tully steps in, takes a look at Barbarian, then tiptoes across the ring to tag in Volkoff, and tiptoes back across the ring to return to the apron, all without making any contact!

So, since this tournament is to unify the USJL and ICTV titles, if either Maddix or Sly get eliminated before the final, does that mean their reign is over?

Why not? What the hell else you got to do? League ID: 85731 password: gojackets

!!!! :: bows down ::