Let's Talk About...No Holds Barred

[King Kamala 0]

Well- it's time for this week's Let's Talk About... and mentioning the movie in another thread brought this subject to mind. No Holds Barred was the first starring role in Hulk Hogan's distinguished acting career and introduced the world to future character actor, Tom "Tiny" Lister. In the movie, Hulk Hogan in an incredible stretch of his acting abilities plays All American, good guy WWF World Champion, Rip who battles evil rival cable network head, Brell and his number one wrestling star, the unibrowed monster. Now in between there's an attempted rape, some pie fights, and Hulk making an evil limo driver crap his pants simply by growling at him.

 

Now for whatever reason I didn't see this one until around '99/'00ish and I was somewhat smartened up. And man, looking back on it...I'd have to say this was when The Hulkster jumped the shark. You can't get much bigger than being pegged to star in your own Hollywood picture and they blew it big time. Anybody who isn't a wrestling fan would probably find this movie cliche ridden and mediocre at best and laughably bad at worst. And as evidenced by the box office grosses of Ready To Rumble and this, the number of wrestling fans who will see just any wrestling movie, no matter how crappy isn't all of that big of an audience.

 

Worst of all though for wrestling fans was the ensuing feud between Hulk Hogan and Zeus. Now this feud was perhaps one of the biggest insults to wrestling fans' intelligence. It's one thing for us to believe that wrestling is real but it's another to believe that the events of that movie were somewhat grounded in reality and that Zeus was so upset by his loss in that movie that he'd come to WWF to extract revenge on The Hulkster. Worst of all, the lumbering oaf who couldn't really do much outside of a choke was all of a sudden the #1 heel in the WWF. This was the first real major dud opponent for Hulk Hogan. Even Vince seemed to realize this and cut the feud short before we could see Hulk and Zeus' epic one-on-one rematch.

 

A couple of fun facts:

 

Lugwrench Perkins, one of Zeus' opponents, was played by Jeep Swanson who would go on team up again with Zeus (newly rechristened as Z-Gangsta) and 2/3rds of the heels on WCW's roster at the time to take out Hulk Hogan and Randy Savage.

 

Watch out for former AWA World Champion, Stan Hansen as one of the participants of Battle of The Tough Guys.

 

Not only is this the first starring role for Hulk Hogan but the first film produced by the WWF. Unfortunately, this would probably rank amongst each of their's best work.

 

And now some clips!

 

No Holds Barred: The Music Video

 

Best scene in the movie

 

The Match Part 1

 

The Match Part 2

 

And for no good reason, The Hulkster's cameo in Gremlins 2. Still one of my favorite roles by a wrestler in a movie.

[CanadianGuitarist 0]

I was too young to remember NHB. I was six when Suburban Commando came out. That was awesome.

[Angle-plex 0]

I loved this movie as a kid, needs to be on DVD. I never got to see Santa with Muscles but I hear it makes NHB look like The Godfather.

[Dobbs 3K 0]

Wow, that cage match wasn't anywhere bad as I thought it would be. Yeah, it was gimmicky and a big cluster, but that's what a cage match is. If I had watched that as a ten year old, I would have been marking out huge.

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

Putting out the movie with the Savage/Zeus vs. Hogan/Beefcake cage match as an extra seems like a natural move.

[King Cucaracha 0]

I watched the Cage Match for the first time earlier this month and it far exceeded my expectations. Mainly due to Savage. Made me realise just how good he was in his prime, he really carried the workload of the match. The backdrop into the steel bars was pretty sick for the time.

 

Zeus is a guilty pleasure for me, just because he was so limited. The neckvice of doom always works. Him calling Ed Leslie "Beefcake Barber" that one time, always works. Monsoon making fun of his ring gear at Survivor Series, always works.

 

Still one of my favorite roles by a wrestler in a movie.

 

I liked him in Spy Hard just because the first time I saw him, I totally wasn't expecting it.

[King Kamala 0]

I was too young to remember NHB. I was six when Suburban Commando came out. That was awesome.

 

Oh hell ya. Suburban Commando was the shit. Embarrasingly enough, I bought that DVD. Bought somewhat shortly after it came out and overpaid for it (It was like $12).

 

Amusing anecdote about that one, an acquaintance of mine was in St. Louis on tour with his band and they met The Hulkster at a TGI Fridays. For some reason, they ask him about Suburban Commando and Hulk says that he doesn't remember much about it except Christopher Lloyd would show up to the set stoned all the time. I guess you might have to working on that one. To this day, my brother and I like to shout "I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" occasionally thanks to that moviel.

[cabbageboy 0]

I'm fairly sure Tiny Lister was in movies before No Holds Barred. The John Candy movie Armed and Dangerous was before NHB, Zeus had a memorable little bit in it.

 

Even as a kid I didn't care much about NHB though. Maybe on some level seeing this thing is what made me stop watching wrestling by Jan. 1990. There's no clear answer though.

[chuck415 0]

My favorite line from the movie:

Rip: What's that smell?

Limo Driver: Dookie!

[Dobbs 3K 0]

My favorite part is Stan Hansen yelling at the guys in the bathroom about their "teeny peckers."

 

I'm surprised Vince let a non-WWF guy have a somewhat recognizable role in that movie.

[strummer 0]

I was there opening night the same day I had a cavity filled (which was worse?).

 

My father has always hated wrestling and I knew he was ashamed of me for wanting to see the movie and pissed that he had to sit through it.

 

even though I was 10 I knew the movie sucked.

 

The Zeus angle confused me and was a reason that I only watched the WWF casually in late 89 into 1990

[Maztinho 0]

Wait, is this the one where Hulk goes on a date with the chick to a French restaraunt and the waiter is making fun of him and Rip turns out to be a regular at the place?

 

That made me laugh as a kid.

 

I watched Gem as a kid though, so what the hell did I know.

[BruteSquad_BRODY 0]

Remember, Vince and Hulk ferviously re-wrote the script, and all the movies "heels" were either black or Jewish

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

I LOVED No Holds Barred as a child. Hey, what I can say? I was a Hulkamaniac growing up. I must have seen that film like 1,000 times by now.

 

Looking back, it's painfully obvious how lame it is. 5 things have always irked me though, even as a child that loved this movie.

 

1.) Brell asking Hulk to lose the match on purpose or else his brother dies or whatever. A professional wrestler being asked to lose a match intentionally!? Perish the thought!

 

2.) When Brell destroys the control room at the end of the film, thereby cutting off the feed and preventing the TV audience from seeing the end of the match. Considering how obsess he was with ratings, you would think the last thing that he would do would be to prevent people watching on television from seeing the ending of the match. Yet, he did. I never got that. I guess they needed a way for him to die without the Hulkster actually killing him. Also, what exactly did he first break that cut the feed off? They never showed that for some reason.

 

3.) The audience cheering after Zeus and Brell died. What a heartless bunch of people. "Well we just saw one guy fall to his death and another guy get electrocuted! But who cares? Rip won! YEEEEAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

 

4.) Who the hell wears dresses and tuxedos to a professional wrestling match?

 

5.) Since when do ring announcers do commentary?

 

Keep in mind, I was 4-years-old and still believed in Santa Claus. Yet, even back then, those questions were on my mind.

Edited November 21, 2008 by Ed Wood Caulfield

[EVIL~! alkeiper 0]

5.) Since when do ring announcers do commentary?

 

All the time in smaller promotions. Didn't Lance Russell pull double duty in Memphis? And maybe Gene Okerlund in the AWA.

[CBright7831 0]

I remember on a WWF telecast, Gorilla Monsoon said that there was talk of the Hulkster getting an Oscar nomination for NHB.

 

...

 

Fuck the Academy for not making this happen.

[King Kamala 0]

Could you imagine Hulk Hogan's acceptance speech? Oh man, as long as it ended with him ripping his shirt off, I'd be happy (man that's the most homoerotic sentence I've ever written here).

[River City Rocker 0]

I will never forget the two sentence review that No Holds Barred got in my (at the time) local newspaper after its opening weekend:

 

No Holds Barred: Never since Porky's has such a stupid movie ever been released. Not recommended (Playing at Cinema 1-2-3).

[Diamonddust 0]

I was too young to remember NHB. I was six when Suburban Commando came out. That was awesome.

 

Oh hell ya. Suburban Commando was the shit. Embarrasingly enough, I bought that DVD. Bought somewhat shortly after it came out and overpaid for it (It was like $12).

 

Amusing anecdote about that one, an acquaintance of mine was in St. Louis on tour with his band and they met The Hulkster at a TGI Fridays. For some reason, they ask him about Suburban Commando and Hulk says that he doesn't remember much about it except Christopher Lloyd would show up to the set stoned all the time. I guess you might have to working on that one. To this day, my brother and I like to shout "I WAS FROZEN TODAY!" occasionally thanks to that moviel.

 

The one thing I remember about watching Suburban Commando as a child was wondering why The Undertaker was in it.

[CBright7831 0]

Could you imagine Hulk Hogan's acceptance speech? Oh man, as long as it ended with him ripping his shirt off, I'd be happy (man that's the most homoerotic sentence I've ever written here).

Could you imagine just looking at the nomination sheet?

 

Best Actor in a Leading Role

 

My Left Foot: The Story of Christy Brown (1989) - Daniel Day-Lewis

Born on the Fourth of July (1989) - Tom Cruise

Dead Poets Society (1989) - Robin Williams (I)

Driving Miss Daisy (1989) - Morgan Freeman (I)

No Holds Barred (1989) - Hulk Hogan

 

I replaced Kenneth Branagh (Henry V) with Hogan

[Ed Wood Caulfield 0]

Damn, some good movies came out in 1989...No Holds Barred wasn't one of them.

[King Kamala 0]

The one thing I remember about watching Suburban Commando as a child was wondering why The Undertaker was in it.

 

Yeah, his role was kind of odd for various reasons. Most notably is that he was in between his WCW stint and WWF stint when it was filming. Did Vince sign him for the purpose of making him one of the baddies in the new Hulk Hogan? Maybe he signed him because of that? Someone fill me in!

 

I couldn't find his review for No Holds Barred but here's Ebert's review for Suburban Commando!

[bob_barron 0]

I once saw some of Mr. Nanny on TV. Hogan big booting the little girl and legdropping her would've made the movie ****.

[BUTT 0]

We watched Mr. Nanny on the last day of 3rd grade. I remember it involved Hulk throwing some dude dude head first off some 50 foot drop but he survived because his giant afro cushioned the fall. Also I believe the fro dude was played by David "Buster Poindexter" Johansen of the New York Dolls. Now that's fuckin' punk.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

I enjoyed listening to Vince and JR rip this movie on a recent* Raw.

 

Vince: "Hogan promised me that if the movie lost money he was gonna return his salary. I guess the check is still in the mail."

Ross: "No Holds Barred? More like No Profit Allowed."

 

*recent, meaning recently watched on WWE 24/7.

 

I don't think I've ever seen the movie in full. Maybe most of it on TV, enough of it to think the idea of heroic Hulk Hogan murdering Kurt Fuller was a bit horrific. I got the same feeling watching the kids in "Santa Claus: The Movie" thinking sending John Lithgow to his death in space was a-ok.

 

Suburban Commando? Awesome. I watched that movie so many times when it came out on video. I WAS FROZEN TODAY~! indeed. I went to a Summer Daycamp and was psyched when I realized 5 seconds in that we were watching Suburban Commando. I can't imagine that movie being as great without Hogan or Doc Brown or The Undertaker (allegedly, it was originally a Arnold/DeVito vehicle titled "Urban Commando"). And how many of your friends tried to survive the cold winter months by drinking antifreeze like Hulk Hogan? I guess those were actually a sad few months.

[CanadianChris 0]

Was it you that put those Vince/JR comments on NHB's Wiki page?

 

I want to know what the buyrate for The Match/The Movie was.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

I took them from there shamelessly and posted them here. Thanks for calling me on it.

 

I've been hoping 24/7 would obtain the rights to show The Match/The Movie.

[CanadianChris 0]

One other thing...the promo bumper Vince did for The Match/The Movie was the first time I ever heard Vince's YOUUUUUU'RE FIIIIIIIIIIRED voice:

 

"Why have a Merry Christmas...WHEN YOU COULD HAVE A NO HOLDS BARRRRRRRRED CHRISTMAS!"

 

Imagine the second part of that in the Mr. McMahon voice. It was pretty creepy for 1989.

[BruteSquad_BRODY 0]

"Brell is inspired to create a new kind of wrestling program, focusing more on violence and sensationalism than Rip's more moralistic version of the sport"

 

I'm laughing my ass off reading the Wiki movie description in Hulk Hogan's voice,describing his movie.

[DrVenkman PhD 0]

Surely SOME holds must be barred?