Can you believe that it will be 10 years since the McGwire/Sosa homerun chase and 10 years since the Yankees tore through the American League on their way to an 114 win season? I really have nothing to add to that and I am just posting one of my random lists, this time around every team's Opening Day/Night starter from the '98 season. I went to every A's Opening Night game from 1995-2002 and in '98 it was actually a fairly momentous occasion as they were playing the Red Sox in Pedro Martinez's first ever start for them. Pedro dominated as expected but glancing at the boxscore I forgot it was also Dennis Eckersley's first appearance in Oakland since 1995 as he played his final year with the Sox. On to the list...
Angels: Chuck Finley
Astros: Shane Reynolds
Athletics: Tom Candiotti
Blue Jays: Roger Clemens
Braves: Greg Maddux
Brewers: Cal Eldred
Cardinals: Todd Stottlemyre
Cubs: Kevin Tapani
Devil Rays: Wilson Alvarez
Diamondbacks: Andy Benes
Dodgers: Ramon Martinez
Expos: Carlos Perez
Giants: Shawn Estes
Indians: Charles Nagy
Mariners: Randy Johnson
Marlins: Livan Hernandez
Mets: Bobby Jones
Orioles: Mike Mussina
Padres: Kevin Brown
Phillies: Curt Schilling
Pirates: Francisco Cordova
Rangers: John Burkett
Reds: Mike Remlinger
Red Sox: Pedro Martinez
Rockies: Daryl Kile
Royals: Tim Belcher
Tigers: Justin Thompson
Twins: Bob Tewksbury
White Sox: Jamie Navarro
Yankees: Andy Pettitte
Usually, when it comes to Alice in Chains' best album, people are usually split between Dirt and Jar of Flies. I know Black Lushus's favorite is Dirt, while I'm more of a fan of the Hard Rock/Acoustic Folk sound of Jar of Flies. However, this isn't about their best album, this is about their most underrated. For that, I choose the EP Sap.
Done after Facelift and before Dirt, Sap is a bit of a stop gap, and a major shift in tone after the sludge of Facelift. It sees the band exploring their acoustic ballad that doesn't suck/folk side that would be improved on Jar of Flies. However, it's still a good EP, save for the last track, the out of place (and annoying) comedy song "Love Song."
Opening track "Brother" features Cantrell on Vocals, with Ann Wilson from Heart offering backing vocals. The song is appropriately melancholy, with acoustic strumming and reflective lyrics taking hold. "Got Me Wrong" was the EP's single, as a video was made, and it was included on the soundtrack to "Clerks." It's a great duet between Layne and Jerry, that sounds almost upbeat, in spite of the cryptic lyrics, though the chorus presents some hope. "Right Turn" is a collaboration between the band and members of Soundgarden and Mudhoney. It's a little more light hearted than the previous songs ("But it's so hard/To penetrate pig thick skin"), and is the shortest song here. "Am I Inside" also features Ann Wilson, and is the eeriest track on the album, with mournful piano and acoustic guitar. There's a slight upbeat tempo change in the chorus, but the tone remains throughout.
As I said before, Jar of Flies improved the folk rock sound captured here. As it stands though, Sap is an unfortunately overlooked album in the band's career, and deserves more attention.
11:30 p.m.
• So I read this hippie op-ed column in the local paper earlier this week and it’s still on my mind. It’s some commie who used to work at CNN and he’s talking about how “liberalism” really doesn’t exist anymore and blah blah blah. The part that made me laugh (the most) was the following:
Sony silence? I guess your “conservative friends” aren’t that quick on the ball to respond by saying, “Sure, but only if I get my money back from the years I put into these Ponzi schemes.” I mean that “Well then don’t collect Social Security” attempt at shutting up Big Government dissenters is almost as easy to diffuse as when some idiot says, “If you’re against abortion how come you’re for capital punishment?” Then there’s the oldie but goldie “WHO WOULD JESUS BOMB?!” (Uh, I don’t know about ol’ Jesus, but his old man was one heck of a hell raiser. Noah didn’t build that boat for nothing.)
11:59 p.m.
• This story has irked me for some time. Long story short: Back in ’04 my state Senator, some liberal faggot by the name of Alan Kukovich, lost to a Republican named Bob Regola. Now Regola really wasn’t a Republican – he had been a conservative Democrat but switched to the GOP ticket in hopes of beating this left-wing bitch in a general election rather than a primary. Shortly after this upset, some little shit named Louis Farrell, Regola’s 14-year old next door neighbor was found dead with Regola’s gun. Here’s the story for those that care:
Now I’ve said before I’m not a gun owner (although many a day goes by when I wonder why), but if you have a gun in your house for protection, wouldn’t it be pointless to lock it up? If it’s 3 a.m. and you hear someone breaking through your living room window, I don’t think you’d have enough time to wake up, get the key to your gun box, open the box, remove the trigger lock, put in the bullets and then go hunting for the person breaking into your house. To me this whole thing smells like a witch hunt and I will gladly vote for Regola should he run again. And this whole perjury thing isn’t jiving with me. OMG he first said the gun was under his kid’s bed then later under his bed. N*gga plz. I’m not defending him because of his party affiliation – I’m defending him because I think it’s bullshit that you can get in trouble for daring to have a weapon to protect your property easily accessible (it’s not like the gun was kept out on the living room coffee table next to the TV Guide). My only regret in this whole story is that that little bastard didn’t just lay down in front of a moving train. (That line went over REAL well a year or two ago when I was in a local doctor’s office with the better half, and some old guy, who made it obvious he didn’t care for Regola, was giving us his opinion on this matter.)
-In case you guys didn't notice, or you're an idiot, TSM has changed ownership. Here's some of what has happened over the last few days:
. Leena is back, and not with stolen accounts. Fortunately, she's been regulated to Whiney Bitches, and can't annoy us anymore.
. Damaramu is back also. I never got to fully experience him before his banning, so maybe I can see what all the fuss was about.
. netslob, widpegaus, and CronoT will remain banned. Nobody wants them to return. Actually, EHME wants WP to return, but everyone knows EHME sucks.
. Not TSM related, but Christ, Marney is horrible.
. Cheech is now going to try to clean up the WWE folder. To that, I say good luck-you'll need it.
-Now to other news-Spring break is over for me after today. So much for r & r.
-"Hur Hur, them jiggaboos!" Again, Marney is horrible.
-"South Park" last Wednesday was pretty good, though a second viewng of the episode has changed my previous opinion. Also, "Breastiary in Nippopolis."
-Awkward Lapdance is... wow. This has to be Hotbutter Spoontoaster, only not as funny.
-Czech, NYU, Danny Dubya, and CWM are now running things here. I like that. Pay your respects.
-I've been doing more reviews on IMDB lately, mostly of weird, obscure horror movies, though I also did one recently of "Leonard Part 6."
-Marvin will be suspended soon. Honestly, I'm suprised the guy hasn't been banned yet. He managed to become the 2nd worst poster on this board (worst is still Deon), though for a while, Marvin was the worst.
Also: Come on Deon, Will Farrell as an avatar? Oh wait, this is Deon...
-Now that the list of best moments in music, I'll most likely do a list of underrated/underappreciated albums.
4:30 p.m.
• And he was about to get the chair, too -- in just 0143892 more years...
• Go, Texas. We need all the red state electoral votes we can muster.
And in a SHOCKING development.
From Detroit, Michigan, it's MONDAY NIGHT RAWWWWW
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This show is in memory of Stan Stasiak, and I'm glad to see that wasn't cut out.
The Nation of Domination make their way down to the ring, because they have an interview with Vince McMahon. Ahmed Johnson does a majority of the talking, and he sucks at it. Just shut up already. The other Nation members say some stuff, and talk about Ahmed finally getting a shot at the Undertaker. O RLY? Crush and some white boys show up, all of them riding motorcycles. You see, Crush wants to ride 'til he dies. These guys are the Disciples of Apocalypse. They must hate blacks, because now they fight with the Nation, until officials and police come down to the ring and break it up.
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Preview of the show....and after a crazy LOD promo, we have Rockabilly w/Honky Tonk Man taking on Ken Shamrock.
- Shamrock finally has the same music for a second week in a row. Dan Severn is on commentary, FWIW.
- Vince goes to bat for the UFC, and starts talking about how officials are trying to have it shut down...needless to say, Vince would not be defending the UFC today, or even talking about it. Shamrock ANKLE LOCK gets the tapout at 2:38. 1/2*. Honky wanted to hit Shamrock with his guitar, but Shamrock turned around before that could happen. Honky just left, and now, Severn and Shamrock are staring each other down. They shake hands, and Shamrock raises Severn's hand. Lame.
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The Godwinns have something to say, and they say it before their first round tag tournament match with the Legion of Doom.
- The Godwinns toss foilage at LOD before the match...it wasn't even slop, for cryin' out loud. They're out of the farmer phase as well, as evidenced by the lack of yellow shirts.
- Apparently Ken Shamrock has been attacked by the Hart Foundation...we're supposed to hear more about that, but we never do. Hawk gives Henry a flying clothesline off the top, giving LOD the pinfall victory to advance into the semi-finals, at 3:42. It was an awkward looking finish as Henry landed on Animal's back, so I'll give it *. The Hart Foundation (sans Bret, who's at the stage) comes down to the ring and attacks LOD with chairs, leaving them down and out in the middle of the ring.
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Thomas Hearns is there...YEAH, boy. Probably my favorite fighter of all-time, although Shane Mosley is my favorite of the present.
Paul Bearer and the Undertaker are in the back, and the Undertaker is tired of Paul's shit. He chokes Bearer, and chokes Vader as well once Vader enters the picture. Then Taker leaves.
Owen Hart has an interview, in which he talks about a conspiracy against him. You know, it isn't fair that a Canadian has to fight two Americans in a triple threat match on US soil.
Last in this little block of junk, we have a promo for the "Cause Stone Cold Said So" video, it's rated M, because Austin is a crazy motherfucker, you see.
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Flash Funk vs. Sabu w/Bill Alfonso is our next contest...
- Funk cuts a promo prior to the bout, needless to say, this could be very good. Paul E. is on commentary, and we see some footage of Sabu's ECW matches before this. Now, here's what I've gotta know. Why is Vince showing this footage? It makes the WWF look like amateur punk stuff. I sure know I wouldn't have let that run on my TV time.
- Hell of an exhibition here, which ends as both are counted out at 4:38. Sabu sets Funk up on a table outside the ring and gives him a quebrada, but it doesn't break the table. A big splash doesn't break the table as Heyman talks about non-pre cut tables in the WWF, so now, Sabu has to go back up top. A legdrop off the top finally puts Funk through the table, and Sabu leaves through the crowd, to much applause. **1/2.
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Mankind vs. the British Bulldog is our next match, in a non-title affair...
- Mankind makes his way to the ring wearing an Austin 3:16 shirt, and a sign around his neck that reads "PICK ME STEVE." Haha. You know, he wants to be Steve Austin's tag team partner. Mankind grabs a microphone next, and he says that he's dedicating this match to the absent Steve Austin, because Austin is the toughest SOB in the World Wrestling Federation.
- Yes, Mankind wrestles with the sign around his neck on. Austin's on the phone, and says he'll be back on Saturday. Not only that, but he gives Mankind some credit for wearing that shirt. After 4:10, Bulldog hits Mankind in the back with a chair. Then in the face, unprotected. Mankind gets up after a bit, and gives Bulldog the MANDIBLE CLAW, as Bulldog was focused on his posing. Ha. *1/2.
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Now, we have the first triple threat match in the history of the WWE, AFAIK. It's Goldust w/Marlena vs. HHH w/Chyna vs. Owen Hart w/Brian Pillman.
- Before the match, there was some controversy surrounding Brian Pillman being allowed to come to ringside with Owen. Gorilla Monsoon said yes, and that's all that matters. We're in the Warzone, and the special guest referee for this match is the first Intercontinental Champion, Pat Patterson.
- Goldust has another false title victory, this one coming after a CURTAIN CALL at 3:15. Owen's foot was on the ropes, just like the British Bulldog's was on 6/9/97. This part was *1/4, and a bit funny, seeing as this is a new concept for the Fed. After the commercial and much banter, this match restarts.
- The 2nd version of the match is better, IMO. Chyna gives Goldust a hurricanrana, in our notable interference of the contest. Goldust inadvertently gives HHH an elbowdrop from the top, and that allows Owen to pin HHH for the three count at 3:45. ** for that portion, add them, round and add personal bias, we get *3/4.
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Bret Hart and Jim Neidhart now make their way to the ring, and see, Bret and Anvil are the best tag team of all time, not LOD. Bret starts calling Thomas Hearns a thief, subsequently pissing him off.
Bret tells Tommy to bring his ass into the ring, and Tommy does, knocking down the Anvil after entering. Officials separate Tommy and Bret, so that's over. The crowd loved it, Hearns being from Detroit and this being Detroit.
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Before the next match, Savio Vega comes into the Nation's lockerroom while they're cutting a promo, so Faarooq whips him with a belt, like an angry parent would do to their child. That next match is Scott Taylor vs. Brian Christopher w/Jerry Lawler.
- Christopher cuts a promo about the Light Heavyweight Division, so yeah, that's coming soon. Lawler insinuates that Christopher is not his son, and after a short affair, the bout ends with a Christopher legdrop off the top for 3 at 2:54. *3/4.
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Paul Bearer and Vader are in the back, and they say that the situation between them and the Undertaker has been straightened out. We'll see for ourselves, as Vader and the Undertaker w/Paul Bearer are taking on Faarooq and D'Lo Brown w/Kama Mustafa in the final matchup of the first round of the tag team tournament.
- Ahmed Johnson was injured during the brawl earlier, so he's not going to participate in this match. Thank fuck he didn't come back until SummerSlam, because I shudder to think what would've happened had he stuck around. Maybe no Rock? The Disciples of the Apocalypse come to ringside early, and they brawl with everyone but Vader, who just stands in the ring doing nothing. To a commercial...
- Back from the break, Bearer and Taker are having a war of words as Vader's going at it alone. Vader goes to tag in Taker, but Taker punches him, and Faarooq pins Vader at 5:03 (shown). Wow, he jobbed to a PUNCH. 3/4*. Taker and Vader fight, Taker gives Vader a TOMBSTONE, and chases Bearer out of the ring. Bearer grabs a microphone, and next week, he'll reveal the secret, which is basically what everyone in the crowd and the viewers watching at home have wanted Bearer to do for weeks. End show.
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Show was in some ways bad, but at best, decent. Best segment had to be THOMAS FUCKIN' HEARNS getting in the ring and the worst was probably LOD vs. the Godwinns. I can't stand when those two teams face each other.
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MONDAY NITRO is from MACON, GEORGIA!!!!
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We flashback to last week, and to start the show, Mean Gene is with Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly. His partner at Bash at the Beach is going to be a complete surprise, Page says, and not only that, but he's facing Scott Hall tonight.
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Public Enemy vs. Damien and La Parka is our first match...
- The Public Enemy thing is so lame. I hate it, at the moment. There isn't a whole lot to say besides the result, other than the usual table demolition Public Enemy does.
- La Parka hits Johnny Grunge with a chair, and gets the pinfall at 2:55. Yawn. *.
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Eddy Guerrero is in the aisleway for an interview with Mean Gene, and he says that when he didn't wrestle last week, it was because he wasn't cleared to wrestle. He wants Chavo Guerrero to come out, but Chavo says that he didn't exactly offer to wrestle Dean Malenko, Eddy told him to. Eddy has a shot at Syxx's Cruiserweight Title later on, and he says that he'll give that title shot to Chavo to show that he's sorry for ordering him around. Of course, Chavo takes the opportunity.
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Alex Wright vs. Chris Jericho is some return match from that Nitro in Boston that WWE 24/7 skipped...
- You see, Alex Wright's new attitude is because he hates America. That explains everything.
- This is fairly good, although the crowd doesn't give a shit. They only make noise when Wright dances. After Jericho makes him tap to the LIONTAMER at 4:41, Wright isn't dancing. **.
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We flash to the Great American Bash, when Vincent interfered in Harlem Heat's business. Obviously, that means we're going to see Harlem Heat w/Sister Sherri take on the Steiner Brothers.
- This match is for the #1 contenders spot, in case you didn't notice. Scott has this goatee going, and it looks ugly. There's some hype for the house show at the Great Western Forum, which is being called The Show that Eric Bischoff Doesn't Want You to See. I suppose that's a good name.
- Good match, by Nitro standards. Rick Steiner bulldogs Booker T from the top, and pins him at 8:12 to win the #1 contendership. I think that's what you'd call it. **3/4.
Gene Okerlund is now with Scott Norton and Buff Bagwell, who call themselves "Vicious and Delicious." What a terrible name. They also want a title shot, and they leave, as the Steiners make their way up the ramp. The Steiners want Hall and Nash for the belts next week in Vegas, and that's all there is to it.
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Hector Garza vs. Villano IV is the pissbreak match...
- Seriously. Tons of empty seats, and the match certainly isn't good enough to bring people back to those seats any quicker. Garza finishes the bout with a standing moonsault at 4:47. 1/2*.
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Mean Gene invites Lex Luger and the Giant to the ring, obviously for interview time. Luger's wearing this Farmer John type shirt, I only mentioned it because it made me laugh. At Bash at the Beach, Luger's going to get revenge on Hogan for last week in Chicago. The Giant's going to put a hook in the Worm, AHHHHH!
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Hour #2 begins, and the match to start that off is Chavo Guerrero Jr. vs. Syxx w/Scott Hall for the WCW Cruiserweight Championship.
- Scott Hall's expressions are hilarious. He's outside the ring, going through all of them, and I'm laughing at it. Eddy Guerrero's standing in the entranceway, because he's watching Chavo's back. Chavo gets in quite a bit of offense, but Scott Hall comes into the ring with the referee distracted and gives Chavo the OUTSIDER'S EDGE. Eddy does nothing, so really, he was just watching Chavo, not his back. The BUZZKILLER gets the submission and Syxx retains his belt at 6:01. **1/4 for another solid affair.
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Konnan is taking on Mongo McMichael w/Debra, now.
- Jeff Jarrett is on "Horsemen Probation." Now I've heard everything. Hugh Morrus comes to the ring with a kendo stick, but he isn't allowed into the ring. BUT, that distracts Konnan, and Mongo gives him a TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER, giving Mongo the pinfall victory at 3:14. 1/2*.
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We're ON THE ROAD in Vegas, yadayada. Those fake slot reel sounds in the background are all too typical.
Roddy Piper comes down the aisle to talk to Gene Okerlund, and Piper says that he's still not happy about Slamboree. Apparently, that pissed Ric Flair off, so here he is. Flair says that what happened at Slamboree was in their best interests, and that Piper shouldn't be questioning him. That brings Mongo and CHRIS BENOIT to the ring. Uh-oh. Both having something to say (although Benoit's spiel is edited out), and then, Piper attacks Mongo and Benoit. Now they all fight, including Ric Flair trying to beat up Piper. He can't, but the briefcase to the back fixes all that, and Benoit gives Piper the CRIPPLER CROSSFACE. Officials come to ringside to break things up, and we go to a commercial.
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We're back, and it's Glacier & Ernest Miller taking on High Voltage.
- The arena lights always stay dimmed during Glacier's matches...I have no idea why I just now noticed that, or noticed it at all. Mortis and Wrath are nearby, of course.
- Miller gives Rage a flying kick off the top for the win at 2:15. Mortis and Wrath now come to ringside, but they don't attack. *.
Now we have a Hollywood Hogan and Dennis Rodman video package, for some unexplained reason.
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Finally, the main event is here. Diamond Dallas Page w/Kimberly is taking on Scott Hall w/Randy Savage and Elizabeth.
- Needless to say, this one is not going to end clean. Kimberly left early, because she didn't want to be around Savage. Makes sense. What doesn't make sense is that this feud will continue in some fashion until OCTOBER.
- Savage comes in at 5:28, getting Hall DQ'd. No surprise. *1/2. Hall gives DDP a back suplex from the top and when Savage goes up for the FLYING ELBOW...
IT'S STING!
He's in the crowd, oh no! Savage drops the elbow on Page anyway, bringing Sting down to the ring. Savage and Hall plot on the outside about how they'll take this on, and they run into the ring, only to be clobbered by Sting's bat, ending the show.
___________________
Show was good. Best segment was the end of the show, and the worst was Glacier and Miller's tag match. Nitro was better this time.
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Next up is a tripleheader of epic proportions. Just house shows.
Head bangers in leather
Sparks fly in the dead of the night
It all comes together
When they shoot out the lights
50,000 watts of power
And it's pushin' overload
The beast is ready to devour
All the metal they can hold
Reachin' overload
Start to explode
Chorus:
It's your one way ticket to midnight
Call it Heavy Metal
Higher than high, feelin' just right
Call it Heavy Metal
Desperation on a red line
Call it Heavy Metal noise
Tight pants and lipstick
She's riding on razor's edge
She holds her own against the boys
Yea, cuts through the crowd just like a wedge
Ohh, can you feel the static
So many contacts being made
We've got up front fanatics
Tearing down the barricade
To reach the stage
Can you feel the rage
6 p.m.
• So I heard my first Barack Osama radio ad today.
*Blahblahblah We pay high gas prices and Exxon makes $30 billion Blahblahblah*
PA’s primary can’t come quick enough. Then again, I'm sure it will be just as bad in the general election.
• You know, I don’t get the Sarah Jessica Parker hate.
Maybe it’s because “Sex in the City” was terrible or something – not that I would know because I never watched it. She looks different. Big deal. I don’t fantasize about her while stroking my wiener, but I don’t find her repulsive. But I have to ask this: Why bring it up now when this was first published last fall? Don't say the upcoming "Sex in the City" movie, because this doesn't really do much to make someone want to go out, put down $10 for a ticket and watch the UNSEXIEST WOMAN ALIVE~!
• I’m sure there are places in the “progressive” part of towns that would charge $8 per serving for this.
7:30 p.m.
• So on Easter Sunday it was off to the in-laws for lunch/dinner/whatever the hell they did this year. The brother-in-law and his family made their usual trip and it’s funny to observe their kids as they are getting older. However, they (or at least the niece) are still kids in some respects – especially when my mother-in-law made some crack about her cat and how he started getting fat years ago after the vet “chopped his balls off.” The niece then asks, “what’s balls?” OK, I’ll be remembering that one for a while.
• Opening Day was just played?
Well, with that little reminder, it’s time to go up TSM’s resident baseball guru for another round of who knows more about the current state of America’s National Pastime.
Here’s that other person’s selections.
Time for Al kkk-eiper to do his thing:
Baltimore Orioles 66.0 – Over
Florida Marlins 69.0 – Under
Pittsburgh Pirates 70.0 – Over(!)
Kansas City Royals 71.0 – Over
Washington Nationals 72.0 – Over
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 73.0 – Over
San Francisco Giants 73.0 – Under
Oakland Athletics 74.0 – Under
Texas Rangers 75.5 – Under
Minnesota Twins 75.5 – Under
Houston Astros 76.0 – Under
Chicago White Sox 77.0 – Under
Cincinnati Reds 79.0 – Under
St. Louis Cardinals 80.0 – Under
Colorado Rockies 83.0 – Over
San Diego Padres 84.5 – Under
Seattle Mariners 85.0 – Over
Milwaukee Brewers 85.0 – Under
Toronto Blue Jays 85.5 – Over
Arizona Diamondbacks 86.0 – Over
Los Angeles Dodgers 86.5 – Under
Philadelphia Phillies 86.5 – Under
Atlanta Braves 87.0 – Under
Chicago Cubs 89.0 – Under
Cleveland Indians 89.5 – Over
Los Angeles Angels 92.5 – Under
Detroit Tigers 93.0 – Under
New York Yankees 93.5 – Under
New York Mets 94.0 – Under
Boston Red Sox 94.5 – Under
OK, now it’s time to see how the standings will look like:
NL EAST
New York Mets 94.0 – Under
Atlanta Braves 87.0 – Under
Philadelphia Phillies 86.5 – Under
Washington Nationals 72.0 – Over
Florida Marlins 69.0 – Under
NL CENTRAL
Chicago Cubs 89.0 – Under
Milwaukee Brewers 85.0 – Under
St. Louis Cardinals 80.0 – Under
Cincinnati Reds 79.0 – Under
Houston Astros 76.0 – Under
Pittsburgh Pirates 70.0 – Over
NL WEST
Arizona Diamondbacks 86.0 – Over
Los Angeles Dodgers 86.5 – Under
Colorado Rockies 83.0 – Over
San Diego Padres 84.5 – Under
San Francisco Giants 73.0 – Under
AL EAST
Boston Red Sox 94.5 – Under
New York Yankees 93.5 – Under
Toronto Blue Jays 85.5 – Over
Tampa Bay Devil Rays 73.0 – Over
Baltimore Orioles 66.0 – Over
AL CENTRAL
Cleveland Indians 89.5 – Over
Detroit Tigers 93.0 – Under
Chicago White Sox 77.0 – Under
Minnesota Twins 75.5 – Under
Kansas City Royals 71.0 – Over
AL WEST
Los Angeles Angels 92.5 – Under
Seattle Mariners 85.0 – Over
Texas Rangers 75.5 – Under
Oakland Athletics 74.0 – Under
O’righty then. And wtf is up with those “.5” over/under spreads? Only an asshole would do something like that.
I tinkered with the idea of putting "from Ancient Rome" in the title, but I decided not to. You know, because of this show's motif.
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Gorilla Monsoon introduces the show, but he's not our announcer. JIM ROSS is, and making his WWF debut to boot!
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Finkus Maximus introduces Julius Caesar and Cleopatra, then our announce team. Randy Savage is accompanied by a few vestal virgins (ha), and Bobby Heenan rides a camel to the ring, backwards, of course. When he gets off, Savage pulls up Heenan's toga to reveal a pair of BVD's. Funny.
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The first match on this card is Tatanka w/Sensational Sherri vs. Shawn Michaels w/Luna Vachon for the Intercontinental Championship.
Blow-by-blow: To start, both men do a little indy applause stance segment, to no applause. Shawn's hammerlock is reversed, so Shawn reverses Tatanka's hold into a top wristlock. Tatanka powers out, but Shawn takes him to the canvas with a headlock for a 2 count. Shawn tries another takedown, but Tatanka gives him a back suplex. Tatanka misses a charge to the corner, but he gives Shawn an armdrag as Shawn leaps off the top rope. He sends Shawn into the corner where Shawn goes upside down and onto the apron, then he chops Shawn down to the floor. Shawn rams Tatanka into the buckle when on the apron, and comes off the top with a sunset flip for a 2 count. Tatanka gives Shawn an inverted atomic drop, and then a DDT, before going to an armbar. A long one, at that. Tatanka then gives Shawn a shoulderbreaker, and a tomahawk chop from up top. Tatanka goes up for a third, but Shawn superkicks him on the way down. Shawn tosses Tatanka over the top and to the floor, then taunts Sherri from the ring apron. Uh...a neckbreaker from Shawn follows for a 2 count, and so does a dropkick which also gets 2. Shawn goes to the chinlock, and when Tatanka powers out, he gives Tatanka a botched victory roll for a 2 count. Don't think they were supposed to do that, as evidenced by going right back to that spot and Tatanka dropping Michaels to the canvas from his shoulders for a 2 count. Shawn gives Tatanka an axhandle from the second rope, but now, Tatanka is using POWERS OF THE SPIRITS ABOVE, so nothing's hurting him. Tatanka chops away at Shawn, and gives him a crossbody for 2. He slingshots Shawn into the ringpost, and a roll-up gets 2. he goes for the END OF THE TRAIL, but Shawn counters with a roll-up for a 2 count. Shawn goes to the top soon after, but Tatanka catches him in mid-leap and powerslams him for a 2 count. Shawn dumps Tatanka, and from the apron, he misses a crossbody, hitting the steel steps. Shawn pulls the referee out of the ring for some reason, and when Tatanka gives Shawn the END OF THE TRAIL, the bell rings. Why, whatever could be going on here? Finkus Maximus says that Tatanka wins by COUNTOUT, but he does not win the Intercontinental Title. BOO. Time was 18:16. After the bout, Luna attacks Sherri. Jim Ross says that Sherri needs help, and in response Bobby Heenan says that she always has needed help, starting with her makeup. LAWL.
Match Analysis: A good opener for WrestleMania, but a lot was missing. Namely crisp spots. Too much stuff seemed sloppy, but outside of that and the terrible finish, it was an ok match. There will be better matches, just not necessarily on this show. **1/2.
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Mean Gene Okerlund is with the Steiner Brothers, giving them an interview before their match vs. The Headshrinkers w/Afa. So yeah, that.
Blow-by-blow: Bill Alfonso is the referee...thought that was of note. Fatu and Scott start the match, and Scott takes Fatu down with an armdrag. A Scott hiptoss follows, and so does a STEINERLINE. The ring fills up as both teams try to take control, and the Headshrinkers win that battle, by tossing the Steiners out of the ring. Both Steiners go to the top rope, and they clothesline the Headshrinkers on their way in. Rick and Samu have entered the match, and they both clothesline each other. Scott tags in and gives Samu a double underhook powerbomb, before giving Fatu a nice dropkick. Samu nearly kills Scott when dropping him out of the ring as most have seen before, and Afa only furthers the damage by hitting Scott with a kendo stick. Fatu gives Scott a backbreaker back on the inside, and follows it up with a flying headbutt off the 2nd rope for a 2 count. The Headshrinkers give Scott a double headbutt, but Samu misses a charge to the corner. That doesn't allow Rick to tag in, though, but Fatu does and tosses Scott out of the ring. Fatu gives Scott a thrust kick after his face is rammed into the mat, you know, because Samoans have hard heads and they don't get hurt. Fatu goes to the NERVE HOLD, but both clothesline each other. After Samu tags in and misses a flying headbutt from the top rope, Rick Steiner makes the hot tag. Rick gives everyone STEINERLINES, and tries a noggin-knocker, but obviously that isn't going to work, and the Headshrinkers give him a double front-russian leg sweep. They try for a doomsday device type move, but Rick gives Samu a powerslam out of mid-air. Yo. Scott gives Fatu a belly-to-belly as the excess makes their way out of the ring, but Samu slams him. Scott gives Samu a FRANKENSTEINER as the ropes are being ran, and that finishes Samu for the victory at 14:23.
Match Analysis: Much better than I remembered it being. After all, thinking about it, all matches between late 80's era NWA tag teams should be fun. **.
If you cannot stomach bad wrestling, quit watching the show right here. Seriously.
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Mean Gene is with Doink for an interview, see, Doink drew on a statue of Julius Caesar, so Okerlund feigns outrage. We flash to when Doink attacked Crush with a prosthetic arm...laughable, ain't it?
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So now, we have Doink vs. Crush. Reasons for this are stated above.
Blow-by-blow: Bobby Heenan is still pushing the "Doink is some wrestler that we've seen before" thing...when did that end? Doink squirts Crush with the flower on his coat, causing Crush to chase, and eventually slam Doink on the outside. Crush rams Doink into the ringpost, guardrail, and back into the ring, before giving Doink a neckbreaker. A backbreaker follows, but Doink uses the rope as help and gives Crush an axhandle off the top rope. Doink goes to the 2nd rope twice and gives Crush a few punches, before giving him a PILEDRIVER. Doink eats a boot on his way down from the top, and Crush gives Doink a powerslam from the 2nd rope. This is bad. And it has no heat. Crush clotheslines Doink over the top, which causes Doink to LOOK UNDER THE RING! Oh no. Crush prevents Doink from crawling under the ring, then sends him inside, for a gorilla press slam. He now applies the HEAD CRUSH, but Doink makes it to the ropes. When Crush turns around he hits the referee with his elbow, so now he's out cold. Doink tries to go UNDER THE RING, but Crush prevents him again, to give him the HEAD CRUSH. Back in with that, and a 2ND DOINK comes out from UNDER THE RING, to hit Crush with a prosthetic arm, giving Doink the oomph he needed to get the pinfall at 8:29. I didn't forget to mention that both Doinks did this little mirror-image routine that was super-retarded, of course, before the pinfall. Bill Alfonso comes to ringside to point out that there was a second Doink, and when looking under the ring, referee Joey Marella seemingly busted his noggin or something. He's acting like a malaria patient. Guess that constitutes an angle in those days.
Match Analysis: You know, I was ready to give it a DUD, until Joey Marella started acting like he had a headache. That was brutal. Just a simple -*. Wrestling was horrid (in the sense that Crush is terrible, and did not belong in the ring), but that can easily be forgiven if spots are not botched and with a simple ending to the match. Retardedness cannot be forgiven.
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Todd Pettingill is in the crowd, asking about this Doink situation. Thankfully this is short, and ignorable.
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Bob Backlund vs. Razor Ramon is our next contest, and Razor enters to a...favorable reaction. Heh.
Blow-by-blow: Razor tosses the toothpick at Backlund, to another favorable reaction. A big "Razor" chant begins, as Backlund trips Razor a few times. Razor slams Backlund twice in response, as Randy Savage talks about Lex Luger knocking out Bret Hart at the brunch earlier. They did that to set up a little run on the house shows, as you can see by checking thehistoryofwwe.com. Backlund gives Razor two hiptosses and a dropkick, before following that up with a double underhook suplex. Backlund gives Razor an atomic drop, causing Razor to bail out, cause Backlund's in SUPREME CONTROL. Backlund brings Razor in the hard way, but Razor rolls Backlund up for the victory at 3:44.
Match Analysis: Well, I suppose they weren't trying to make Razor look good. He looked anything but. 1/2*. I didn't really understand that match.
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Money Inc. are with Mean Gene for an interview, and see, Gene thinks that the Mega Maniacs are going to have their numbers. On RAW, Brutus Beefcake was attacked with Money Inc's briefcase, so now, he has to wear a mask. Jimmy Hart tried to help even though he was Money Inc's manager, but he unable to do anything. IRS says that they're facing the "Mega Morons" and that Hogan was attacked at a gym last night, so his face is all screwed up. We'll see about that.
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WHOA, LOOK AT HOGAN'S FACE.
Quite obviously, the Mega Maniacs w/Jimmy Hart are facing Money Inc. for the WWF Tag Team Titles.
Blow-by-blow: The champions instantly attack the Maniacs, but much like all other Hogan matches, he and Beefcake manage to clear the ring. Beefcake looks like a big douche with all this red and yellow and the mask he's wearing too, so to start the match, it'll be him and IRS. DiBiase quickly comes in to work on Beefcake, the height of that being a back elbow. IRS comes in for the double team and stays in, with a few punches for Beefcake before tagging back out. DiBiase tries to punch Beefcake in the face, but Beefcake's mask is keeping the punch from doing damage. Beefcake gets rammed into the buckle which also does nothing, so Beefcake returns the favor and tags in the HULKSTER. He gives Ted a 10 punch in the corner and a clothesline, before Beefcake comes in and they give DiBiase a double big boot. Hogan gives DiBiase an axhandle from rope #2, and clotheslines him over the top, bringing IRS in. Money Inc. want to leave when IRS gets tossed over the top rope, but the referee does the whole, "you better come back by the count of 10 or you'll lose your titles" thing, so of course, they come back. DiBIase and Hogan are in the ring, so DiBiase chokes Hogan a whole lot. The last three minutes have been non-sense, and once the MILLION DOLLAR DREAM gets slapped on, we can make that five minutes of nearly nothing at all. Hogan doesn't power out or anything, but the referee gets taken out of the picture or something and Beefcake gives DiBiase a sleeper, getting him to break the hold. Beefcake tags in now with the referee alive and well, and he gives IRS a high knee. DiBiase gets atomic dropped out, but after Beefcake punches IRS, DiBiase comes in and hits Beefcake in the back with the briefcase. Mongo blatantly stole that gimmick, in case you were thinking about it. DiBiase rips Beefcake's mask off, so he can go to work. The referee gets bumped when Beefcake puts the sleeper on IRS, so Hogan's able to make his way in, un-impeded. Hogan hits both champions with Beefcake's mask and both pin the champions at 18:14 w/Jimmy Hart counting the fall...but the bell is rung, and the match is over. The Mega Maniacs celebrate like morons, but a new referee comes into the ring and raises Money Inc's hands. Haha. The champions try to hit the Maniacs after the match with their tag belts, but it doesn't do anything. Jimmy Hart tosses Danny Davis over the top, Hogan poses, and they give money from Money Inc's briefcase to the crowd. Whoop-de-doo. The crowd went nuts when Hogan had the money, that being the only positive thing to come out of this.
Match Analysis: Like I said, this was the worst tag title match at WrestleMania. It was absolutely terrible. 18 minutes of fast-forward material for sure, and it's clear to see why. When Beefcake has to help carry a match, the match sucks. DUD.
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For 24/7 viewers, now we're on Part 2. Todd Pettingill asks Natalie Cole a few questions, thankfully, that's just a fluff piece.
Now, Mr. Perfect has a promo, in which he gets his words confused with one another. Poor guy.
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Mr. Perfect vs. LEX LUGER is next...
Blow-by-blow: One of my favorite characters, this version of Lex Luger. Too bad it didn't last. You'd figure that with some of the great matches Luger has had, this would be one of them, Hennig being a participant and all. Perfect gives Luger a kneelift and a dropkick, but Luger quickly responds with an elbow before Perfect takes him to the canvas. Perfect works on Luger's leg with a spinning toehold, but Luger makes it to the ropes. Perfect tries to kick away, but Luger sends Perfect to the corner and tosses him over the top. Luger gives Perfect a backbreaker on the inside for a 2 count, and when Perfect misses a charge to the corner, Luger covers him for 2 while putting his feet on the ropes. Luger gives Perfect a powerslam for 2, but Perfect responds with a sunset flip for 2. Perfect applies a sleeper, but Luger rams him right into the buckle. Perfect gives Luger an inside cradle for a 2 count, and a backdrop to boot. Perfect then gives Luger three clotheslines, which get a 2 count, and a swinging neckbreaker, which also gets 2. Perfect comes off the top with a missile dropkick for 2, but Luger pins Perfect with a backslide for a 3 count with Perfect's feet on the ropes at 10:56. That looked as weird as it sounded. Soon as the decision is announced, Luger gets up and hits Perfect with the LOADED FOREARM. Poor Perfect.
Match Analysis: Not good. Not good at all. Perfect did his best, but it just wasn't working for me, nor was it working for the live crowd. *.
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After the match, Mr. Perfect heads to the back, obviously to fight Lex Luger. What he doesn't know is that Shawn Michaels is talking to Luger, and Michaels is not going to put up with Perfect's shit. Shawn beats down Perfect, until officials break it up. How embarassing.
Heenan and Savage nearly fight when talking about Luger's forearm, and then, Gorilla Monsoon hypes the rest of the show. And boy, do these matchups ever need the hype.
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Giant Gonzales w/Harvey Wippleman vs. The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer is our shitty match du-jour...
Blow-by-blow: Talk about a freakshow. Yeesh. Taker gets wheeled to the ring in a chariot of death or something, accompanied by a vulture. Both men have a staredown, and then they choke each other. Taker gives Gonzales OLD SCHOOL, but Gonzales comes back with a running clothesline. Gonzales selling is so funny...you just have to see it. Gonzales beels Taker before going to the chinlock, and then, he tosses Taker out of the ring. He rams Taker into the steel steps, and brings him back in, for a headbutt. Gonzales gets knocked down after a few Taker punches, and then Taker focuses his attention on Harvey Wippleman, who he chokes. Gonzales hits Paul Bearer, and smothers Taker with a chloroform soaked rag, for the DQ at 7:33. Gonzales gives Bill Alfonso a chokeslam, which causes the crowd to chant for Hulk Hogan. Thank God we never had an epic matchup between Hulk Hogan and Giant Gonzales. Taker gets taken to the back on a stretcher, he has risen from the dead, and he clotheslines Gonzales to the ground, causing Gonzales to leave.
Match Analysis: Not as bad as most would have you believe, but still. Horrendous angle, horrendous wrestling, selling, and everything else. My dad was laughing at Gonzales selling when he got home and watched part of the match, so yeah, it was that bad. -***.
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Next we see a video of Hacksaw Jim Duggan getting destroyed by Yokozuna, and the contract signing of Bret vs. Yoko that's currently on 24/7. Hulk Hogan has an interview, and he talks about how the HULKAMANIACS ARE WITH BRET, BROTHER. He challenges either Bret or "the jap" to a match, and he guarantees that the title will be staying in the United States. Why, whatever does he mean?
Todd Pettingill's in the crowd, his teeth look rotten, and I couldn't even pay attention to what he said.
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Bad matches have killed the crowd before the main event, which features Yokozuna taking on Bret Hart for the World Wrestling Federation Championship.
Blow-by-blow: Bret gives Yoko a dropkick right at the start, but his go-behind doesn't work, and Yoko gives him a shoulderblock. Bret catapults himself in from the outside and punches away, before going to the 2nd rope and giving Yoko a nice elbowdrop. Bret clotheslines Yoko twice although he can't put him down, but a Yoko clothesline in response ends Bret's little rally. Yoko slams Bert and gives him a big legdrop, before going to his favorite hold, the nerve hold. Bret takes Yokozuna to the canvas from the 2nd rope after a missed Yoko charge, but Yoko gives Bret a thrust kick and goes back to the nerve hold. Another Yoko missed charge comes, and Bret gives Yoko a bulldog from the 2nd rope, for a 2 count. A 2nd rope elbow from Bret follows for 2, and a clothesline from the 2nd does good work as well. Bret clotheslines Yoko to the canvas, and on a 10 punch, he rips the turnbuckle pad off. Bret rams Yoko into the exposed buckle and gives him the SHARPSHOOTER, but...Mr. Fuji throws powder or salt into Bret's face. That puts Bret down for the three count, at 8:56. Boo on that.
Hulk Hogan runs down to the ring, which gives Mr. Fuji the gall to issue a challenge. If Hogan wants to face his Yokozuna, they can do it, RIGHT NOW. Bret tells Hogan to accept, so Hogan jumps in the ring. Fuji misses a salt toss and blinds Yokozuna on accident, so our new champion is in trouble. Clothesline, DROP THE FUCKIN' LEG, pinfall and Hogan's a 5 time WWF Champion. Crowd goes nuts and Hogan poses to end the show. Really, when thinking about it, that was the only way to send the crowd home happy. The match didn't have a whole lot of heat, and Bret didn't get a huge reaction when entering the ring, so, I'm for it, now.
Match Analysis: I'm only rating the Bret/Yoko match. Simply put, a * affair. Terrible idea for a finish, much like the entire rest of the show. That's sad. I'm glad Yoko got the belt back, as for some reason, I thought he was a worthy champion.
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Rating: Terrible. Simply put, the worst show I've watched in years. The only moments where a face got the better of the heels were when the Steiners won, and when Hogan beat Yoko. I don't think that the Maniacs got the better of Money Inc., because the heels held onto their gold. Can you believe that they were going to do Kamala vs. Bam Bam Bigelow as well? That would've made the show even worse.
Best Segment: HBK vs. Tatanka. By a fair margin the best match, but no finish makes this one taste sour.
Worst Segment: Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzales. Doink vs. Crush is close, for the utter stupidity of the referee possibly having brain damage or whatever it was.
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RAW and Nitro from 6/23/97 are next.
My favorite baseball team, and favorite team in all sports, the Oakland Athletics are going to suck this year. For the first time since the the late 90's I'm going into a baseball season with no hope or optimism. So since my favorite team is going to suck, I hope all your favorite teams suck this year too. Time for a little free floating hostility as I run down the other 29 teams in MLB and why they suck.
(Disclaimer: Don't take any of this seriously)
Angels: John Lackey's arm is about fall off and they'll find out that they wasted another $90 million on another overrated centerfielder. If Lackey does end up having surgery at some point hopefully they'll do something for his face too. God damn is that an ugly mother fucker.
Astros: Hey maybe they can bring back Roger Clemens again! That'll solve everything!
Blue Jays: They still play baseball in Canada?
Braves: No one gave a shit about them in Atlanta when they were good and no one gives a shit about them now that they suck. Move them to Alaska. For that matter move every professional sports franchise out of Atlanta.
Brewers: Anything that makes Bud Selig happy is a bad thing and the Brewers ever getting back to the playoffs will make him happy, so with that in mind I continue to hope for several more years of mediocre Brewers baseball. Signing Jason Kendall will of course help that cause for this year.
Cardinals: Seriously, fucking retire already LaRussa. Once you lucked out with the 2006 World Championship you should have done the George Constanza "Alright that's it for me! Goodnight everybody!"
Cubs: 100 years, no championships and now they are selling Wrigley Field's naming rights. Just kill yourself Cubs fans because it's gonna 100 more years of the same shit.
Diamondbacks: Would somebody kill Eric Byrnes already?
Dodgers: They're gonna trade Matt Kemp for Joe Crede, you just know it. Jeff Kent can't teach these kids how to win ya know!
Giants: HAHAHAHAHA...yes keep convincing yourself Giants fans and front office that you didn't need Barry. God I can't wait for the Summer when they are 30 games out of first place and averaging less than 10k fans a game. It's gonna be great! Seriously if they ever fire Brian Sabean I'm going to cry.
Indians: Seriously eat a fucking dick Cleveland for blowing it against the Red Sox in the ALCS to help that annoying fucking fan base celebrate another championship.
Mariners: Trading for Erik Bedard isn't going to cover up that this team vastly overachieved last year and Bill Bavasi is still the GM which will always lead to failure.
Marlins: Would somebody kill Jeffrey Loria already?
Mets: This team looks like it wants to go out of it's way to out perform the A's in the injury department this year. I personally approve of the failure of all New York teams so hopefully they'll crash and burn.
Nationals: Dmitri Young and Elijah Dukes on the same team...excellent.
Orioles: Batting 4th, Kevin Millar.
Padres: Padres' "fans" gave Barry Bonds a standing ovation when he tied Hank Aaron's record. At the end of the season Tony Gwynn Jr. hits a game winning triple against the Padres that forces them into a one game playoff against the Rockies which the Padres lose in crushing fashion. It's called karma, bitch.
Phillies: Would have been better off trading Kyle Kendrick to Japan for real and thrown Adam Eaton in the deal. Gonna be another cocktease year for Phillies' fans but like they give a shit anyways as they'll be too busy chanting "E-A-G-L-E-S" at the games.
Pirates: Not even worth it.
Rangers: Why does this franchise not get shit on more for being a complete joke? 47 years in existence and not a single playoff series win. They'll have no problem blowing by the 50 year mark and beyond.
Rays: Ooo they have so much young talent! They might be really good in 2010! Who gives a shit? Still going to be 90% Yankees and Red Sox fans at their games.
Reds: The fact that there are Reds fans who actually want to get rid of Adam Dunn tells me they deserve a manager like Dusty Baker.
Red Sox: Hey remember when we all thought it'd be great if the Red Sox won a championship so we could stop hearing all the whining from their fan base about "The Curse"? We never knew how good we had it. Every SAWX fan I see this year, I'm kicking square in the fucking nuts.
Rockies: Like the Indians, fuck you for losing to the Red Sox.
Royals: This team is more painful to watch than George Brett popping his hemorrhoids.
Tigers: Kenny Rogers is an asshole and Todd Jones is a closet fag.
Twins: 1. Trade Johan Santana, 2. ???, 3. Profit
White Sox: Is this team gonna suuuuuuuuuuck? YES!
Yankees: Derek Jeter is a selfish prick who is going to drag this franchise down very soon by his refusal to leave shortstop. This guy is the Lonnie Smith of shortstops. But whatever, Yankee fans deserve any losing season they get and hopefully they'll happen soon.
Everyone knows this story. It may be the greatest example of rock star debauchery that ever occured. Oh sure, some of you may mention something that occured at a Motley Cru tour or whatever, but here's the guy's that set the standard.
The story: It's 1969. Led Zeppelin are on tour with Vanilla fudge. On the night of July 27, Zep invites a groupie back stage, and well, she's willing to do anything. So they tie her up, and proceed to stuff bits and slices of a mudshark into her pussy and asshole. Other's say it was a Red Snapper. Either way, they stuffed her with fish.
There are several accounts as to what really happened. Zappa did a song about it (that can be heard on the live album Filmore East-June 1971.) To this day, it remains one of the most talked about moments in rock star perversion. Either way, in my opinion, it's the greatest story in music history.
So there you go, the countdown is over. Here's a recap:
12.) Luther Campbell gets a blowjob on Stage.
11.) Screamin' Jay Hawkins: Father to 57 Children.
10) Throbbing Gristle's First Gig.
9.) Elvis orders a Sandwich.
8.) John Fogerty sued for self plagerisim (no, not the poster).
7.) Cyntheia teh cock.
6.) The Story of Dopesmoker.
5.) Ozzy Satisfies His Hunger.
4.) Ozzy Remembers the Alamo.
3.) Mingus Destroy's his Bass.
2.) The Story of Mayhem.
1.) Led Zeppelin,a groupie, and a mudshark.
10:30 a.m.
• So it looks like courtneywasmurdered is taking his act on the road. (The video clip can be found via the link.)
Well, if it keeps the kids off the streets and out of trouble, then what's the problem? Besides, I'm sure this is all on the up and up.
• There is some sanity -- in Philadelphia of all places.
This isn't like the "White/Coloreds Only" signs that were plasted in this country a generation or two ago. And, if this article is correct, with the ever-increasing immigrant population sprouting up around this business, if the masses are offended they can go to the other cheesesteak place and drive Geno's Steaks out of business.
9:30 p.m.
• So I was taking a shower earlier this evening when the better half said, “I’ll join you.” Oh boy. Now in the movies you see those steamy shower scenes where the people involved are passionately embraced and doing a number of things that would, in the real world, result in one (or both) of them saying, “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up.”
And just what happened this time around? The same thing that always takes place. When I take a shower, I move all her shampoo/body wash/etc. off the shelve thingys and onto the bathroom sink. I then take my few toiletry items and put them on those shelf thingys. (Keep in mind that we also have a holder thing around the shower head that – surprise – holds even more of her shit.)
Well I was just about done doing my thing when she says “I’m coming in.” She enters with all those shower items in hand and tries to put them on the shelf thingys, where my stuff was. There was one problem. She was at the wrong end of the bathtub and I was blocking her way. Then she starts complaining that I’m taking up all the water. Look, our bath station is just a regular hub. There’s no room. Then when she was exposed to some H2O, there was the ever-predictable “OMG how can you stand it so hot?”
How long have we lived together? And how many times have you seen me come out of the shower with just the reddish of hues on my chest?
Fortunately, I was finishing up my shower time, and after another minute or so I got the hell out of there. Look, I have nothing against co-showering, but this ain’t the movies. This is real life. Speaking of real life, here was a post of mine at the other place that is sorta related to today's subject material. Keep in mind this post was in the Sex folder in a thread titled "Okay PIT, what is your favorite, way to..." You've been warned.
...I thought Bill Hicks was the funniest man who ever lived.
I listen to him now, and I don't think "Bill Hicks sure is funny!" I instead think "Wow, that stoner sure sounds angry." In short, the magic has kinda disappeared.
Also, there seems to be a strange phenomenon with douchebags quoting Bill Hicks.
10:45 p.m.
• So I was feeling a bit down today. I’m not depressed, but the last few days I haven’t been getting much sleep and I’ve been feeling it. So where do I go when I need a quick pick-me-up by observing the underclass in all their glory?
That’s right.
Now there’s this one Wal-Mart that opened up a year or so ago about 15 minutes from me. However, it hasn’t quite been overrun with the typical white and ghetto trash that flock to this cornucopia of commerce. Now the Wal-Mart that’s closer to Shittsburgh and attracts a lot of black people? That’s another story.
I was walking around the store and was on my way out when I noticed this kid – couldn’t be older than 10 or so – in tears and near a full-blown breakdown. Nothing surprising there. This is Wal-Mart. However, I then soon realized that the man in this group was an employee (the lack of a blue vest threw me off) and it seemed that the talk was focused on something that this kid tried to steal.
Uh oh.
The woman in this group was PISSED. I’m not sure if this was the kid’s mother – she could have been a babysitter or counselor – but one thing was for certain: this kid was about to have a really bad day. All I could gather from the passing words I heard was that the woman wanted this kid, dressed in a Silver Surfer t-shirt and blue sweatpants, to get punished to the fullest extent of the law. Oddly enough, the employee just took the item back and that was that. Interesting. Believe me, this woman was not trying to get this kid out of trouble. As they were walking out of the store I followed close behind hoping this woman would unload on this low-grade thief. Sadly, nothing transpired. But you know the most amazing thing of all.
This woman had three children with her – and the lone white kid was the one busted for shoplifting. Then again, I’m sure the two black kids are more seasoned at this sort of thing.
11:30 p.m.
• Oh please Democrats keep this primary fight going. It's funny enough there's talk about disenfranchising voters in Michigan and Florida, but then we get this.
Man, if this is what Osama's Democrat critics are getting hit with, imagine what will become of Republicans when they start questioning the Junior senator from Illinois.
8 p.m.
• Don't you know that bringing in immigrants to a country is one of the worst things you can do to a Muslim male?
Wait, I don't know what's funnier -- the pork remark or Muslims offended by another group's "abuse of women"?
I don't know what the big deal is. Those Poles are just doing the jobs Muslims don't want.
I'm no longer gary floyd. I'm now Dr. Obrero.
Anyways, back to the countdown to the best stories in music.
2.) The Story of Mayhem.
Black Metal is a fascinating thing when you think about it. It started thanks to Speed Metal band Venom (who's 1982 album was called Black Metal), as well as help from bands like Bathory, Celtic Frost, and Mercyful Fate. However, Black Metal is most notorious in Norway, thanks largely to the band Mayhem, who have lived up to their name.
Mayhem was founded in 1984 by guitarist Euronymous, Bassist Necrobutcher, and some other guys with names that aren't theatrical. Their debut album, an EP called Deathcrush, was released in 1987. Frontman Maniac left the band, and was replaced by a guy named Per Yngve Ohlin, also known as dead. Dead wasn't all that right in the brain matter, so to speak: He would inhale a dead raven he kept in a plastic bag, cut himself on stage, and several other pleasent activities. He only appeared on one album, the live album Live in Leipzig. He ended up shooting himself in the head, the result of which can be seen on the picture you see on this entry, a live bootleg called Dawn of Black Hearts.
So, irony of all ironies, Dead was well...dead. Better yet, his suicide note said "Excuse all the blood." Interestingly, one of the band members (I think it was Euronymous) not only took a picture of dead, but used skull fragments on a necklace, and used some of the brain matter in a stew.
Shockingly, Necrobutcher left the band, and was repleaced by Varg Vikernes, who also had a one man project named Burzum (both Mayhem and Burzum are to this day major influences on Black Metal.) The band went on to record the album De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, which is considered the band's masterpiece. Things were still shaky though.
Varg and Euronymous didn't exactly get along. To make a long story short, Varg killed Euronymous in his apartment in Oslo, stabbing him with a knife. Varg was arrested, though there's more to the story. You see, Varg was also tied to several church burnings (he denies involvement, but I doubt it), and police found several explosives, like dynamite, in his apartment. He also is a white supremacist and fan of Hitler.
Anyways, De Mysteriis came out in 1994 (as did Burzum's Hvis Lyset Tar Oss, also considered his best work.) It wouldn't be three years until the world heard from Mayhem. Original frontman Maniac appeared on three albums-Wolf's Lair Abyss, Grand Declaration of War, and Chimera. De Mysteriis frontman Attila returned for their latest album, Ordo Ad Chao. Drummer Hellhammer remains in the band (and is actually a pretty damn good drummer), Varg remains in jail (he attempted an escape, and did two shitty ambient albums while in incarceration), and Dead remains...dead.
Now that folks, is fucking metal.
6 p.m.
• So I learned an important driving lesson. You know how when you’re at an intersection and the light has one of those fancy extra “green arrows”? Well, when that green arrow disappears, and incoming traffic is moving toward you, I found out that’s when you need to floor it and try to make your turn in one piece. Or at least that’s what the little college shithead behind me thought I should have done. It’s interesting how when you act faux pissed in these situations by waving your arms around and banging your head on the steering wheel (all while blaring on your horn after getting honked at) how they tend to stay away from you when the green arrow comes back on.
I’ve already figured out my death. The last payment to the house will have gone through and someone is going to shoot me during the afternoon work commute.
6:30 p.m.
• Crap, March Madness is tomorrow, sans that gay play-in game. Time for this year's brackkkets.
East:
North Carolina (1) d Mt. St. Mary (16)
Arkansas (9) d Indiana (8)
Notre Dame (5) d George Mason (12) Please God don’t let George Mason win. I don’t want to hear “OMG they’re going to do it again!”
Winthrop (13) d Washington State (4)
St. Joseph’s (11) d Oklahoma (6)
Louisville (3) d Boise State
Butler (7) d South Alabama (10)
Tennessee (2) d American (15)
North Carolina (1) d Arkansas (9)
Notre Dame (5) d Winthrop (13)
Louisville (3) d St. Joe’s (11)
Tennessee (2) d Butler (7)
North Carolina (1) d Notre Dame (5)
Tennessee (2) d Louisville (3)
Tennessee (2) d North Carolina (1)
Midwest:
Kansas (1) d Portland State (16)
UNLV (8) d Kent State (9)
Clemson (5) d Villanova (12)
Siena (13) d Vanderbilt (4)
USC (6) d Kansas State (11)
Wisconsin (3) d CS Fullerton (14)
Davidson (10) d Gonzaga (7)
Georgetown (2) d UMBC (15)
Kansas (1) d UNLV (8)
Clemson (5) d Siena (13)
Wisconsin (3) d USC (6)
Georgetown (2) d Davidson (10)
Clemson (5) d Kansas (1)
Wisconsin (3) d Georgetown (2)
Clemson (5) d Wisconsin (3)
South:
Memphis (1) d UT-Arlington (16)
Oregon (9) d Mississippi State (8)
Michigan State (5) d Temple (12)
Shitt (4) d Oral Roberts (13)
Kentucky (11) d Marquette (6)
Stanford (3) d Cornell (14)
Miami (7) d St. Mary’s (10)
Texas (2) d Austin Peay (15)
Memphis (1) d Oregon (9)
Michigan State (5) d Shitt (4)
Stanford (3) d Kentucky (11)
Texas (2) d Miami (7)
Memphis (1) d Michigan State (5)
Texas (2) d Stanford (3)
Texas (2) d Memphis (1)
West:
UCLA (1) d Mississippi Valley (16)
Texas A&M (9) d BYU (8)
Drake (5) d Western Kentucky (12)
Connecticut (4) d San Diego (13)
Baylor (11) d Purdue (6)
Xavier (3) d Georgia (14)
West Virginia (7) d Arizona (10)
Duke (2) d Belmont (15)
UCLA (1) d Texas A&M (9)
Drake (5) d Connecticut (4)
Baylor (11) d Xavier (3)
Duke (2) d West Virginia (7)
UCLA (1) d Drake (5)
Duke (2) d Baylor (11)
UCLA (1) d Duke (2)
Final Four
Tennessee (2) d Clemson (5)
UCLA (1) d Texas (2)
UCLA (1) d Tennessee (2)
Notes: As usual, I put zero thought into these picks and went with my first hunch (most of the time -- see below).
I originally had Villanova getting to the fourth round, but I stopped myself because I always get burned on picking a "Big East" sleeper.
Even though I think Pitt has a chance, they ALWAYS do well in the conference tournament and falter in the national tournament.
As usual, I'll forget who I picked 20 minutes from now and when watching the games tomorrow I'll be cheering for the wrong teams.
One of my favorite shows...a must-watch.
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The national anthem was performed by Reba McEntire. When I was a kid and watched this, my mom liked that.
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El Matador vs. Shawn Michaels w/Sensational Sherri is the first match...
Blow-by-blow: Of course, El Matador is Tito Santana. Not like I had to tell you that. The version of Shawn's theme that Sherri sings is the best. Both push each other at the start of the bout, and Tito gives Shawn a crossbody for 2. They push again and Tito puts Shawn in a headlock, before clotheslining him over the top rope. Tito brings Shawn in with a headlock, but Shawn breaks the hold at the corner with a few shouldercharges. Tito misses a charge to the corner, but in a smart move, he fakes another charge, and takes Shawn down with a headlock right after. Another headlock takedown by Tito gets 2, as does an inside cradle. Shawn tosses Tito over the top on a charge attempt, and gives him a backbreaker for 2 when back inside the ring. To the chinlock we go, but when Tito makes a comeback attempt, Shawn superkicks him. Shawn goes for a side suplex, but Tito counters and gives Shawn the FLYING JALAPENO, to knock Shawn out of the ring. Tito rams Shawn into the steel steps, and on the inside, he gives him a kneelift. An inverted atomic drop follows, as does ANOTHER flying forearm, this time to the back of the head. Shawn bails and Tito tries to bring him in with a slam, but Shawn uses the top rope for initial leverage and picks up the pinfall victory at 10:38. After the match, after Shawn's posing, Bobby Heenan says, "there's the star of the 90's." No kiddin'.
Match Analysis: A good opener, by WrestleMania standards. You know, many other WrestleMania's have lesser openers than this, hence the "good" title. I'll give it **3/4. The WWF must've thought highly of this match, because they put Shawn up against Randy Savage on the UK-only PPV that occured soon after the event.
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The LEGION OF DOOM come to a little interview set-up for (obviously) an interview, with Gene Okerlund. Paul Ellering's being introduced, they talk about destruction and other nonsense that I don't entirely comprehend. That's all.
Sean Mooney is with Jake Roberts in the back, for another interview. The past footage shown highlights when Jake shut the Undertaker's hand inside of a casket on Paul Bearer's "Funeral Parlor" interview segment. Jake hit him a few times with a chair, too. Anyway, this is a great promo. Like almost every other big match promo Jake gave. Jack Tunney said that the snake will not be allowed at ringside, so Jake will do this alone.
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Jake Roberts vs. The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer. A grudge match.
Blow-by-blow: These are two of my favorite characters, so I'm biased. I didn't realize how great Jake's new entrance music was until I watched this match. Roberts tries to avoid Taker's attacks, and he does, by clotheslining Taker over the top rope. Taker pulls Roberts to the outside, and rams him into the ringpost, before sending him back in. Taker chokes Roberts for a really LONG time, before giving him an elbowdrop. Taker follows it up with a flying clothesline, but Jake responds with the DDT. After taunting and a few cheers, Jake gives Taker a short clothesline. ANOTHER DDT follows, and Jake goes to the outside to chase Paul Bearer. Taker sits up and makes his way to the outside, where he gives Jake a TOMBSTONE, before rolling Jake back into the ring for the three count at 6:42.
Match Analysis: Taker squash to even further establish him as a main event player...otherwise, there's nothing to see here. Notable for the end of Jake's WWF run and that's it. *.
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Time for copy & paste....but there's a promo with both men that I find to be one of the funniest I've seen. "Love the way your mama used to make them sammidges."
It's Bret Hart vs. Rowdy Roddy Piper for the Intercontinental Championship. I deleted all the other nonsense that I put in the title when I first posted this, I don't know what I was thinking.
Blow-by-blow: Thankfully, they show the pre-match promo. I'll review that when the whole event is posted. Bret's in his all pink attire, and I don't know who the referee is. Both men trade armdrags before Piper takes Bret down to the canvas. Piper has his arms locked around Bret, and Bret runs and ducks down so that Piper goes out under the top rope. Clever. Piper spits at Bret to establish that he'll be playing the heel tonight, then we have a test of strength. Piper chops Bret after they exchange armwringers, and he rams Bret into the turnbuckle. Piper chops him more, and Bret gets a running dropkick. Bret plays possum on the canvas, holding his shoulder, then rolls Piper up for a 2 count. I think that's the first time he did that in the WWF, I'm not sure though. Piper slaps him, and now IT'S ON. Bret crossbody's Piper to the floor (see what I said about Piper liking that spot) even though it took a while for both men to get to the floor, and Piper holds the ring ropes open so that Bret can come back in. What a guy. Piper makes the referee check Bret for weapons, and Piper slugs Bret in the face with his left hand as Bret's head is down, so obviously, Bret couldn't see him. Wink, wink. Bret blades off the punch (blading was a no-no at the time) and Piper rams his head into the buckle. Piper with a bulldog that gets two and a dropkick for 2, but Bret comes back with a sunset flip for 2. Piper with some lefts and rights for 2, then a Bret flying forearm puts Piper out of the ring. Piper comes back in and both men clothesline each other. Piper goes up to the top as Bret is playing possum AGAIN, and he drapes Piper's feet on the ropes, then rams his face into the canvas. Here comes the usual, Bret with a inverted atomic drop, suplex, russian leg sweep and backbreaker, but Piper blocks the SHARPSHOOTER. Bret goes up to the 2nd rope for his elbowdrop, but he eats Piper's boot on the way down. The two combatants trade punches from their knees (I was going to say "trade blows from their knees," but for some reason, I didn't. Hopefully you can make sense of it.) and Piper rams Bret into the referee. Piper clotheslines Bret out, then rams him into the steel steps. Piper grabs the ringbell, but thinks better of using it. Cause he's a good guy at heart, 'ya know? He tosses the bell out and puts Bret in a sleeper hold, but Bret kicks the turnbuckle pad in the corner, and the momentum puts Bret on top of Piper for the 3 count, and the win, at 13:50. I can't describe the finish any better than that, sorry. It was like Bret-Austin at Survivor Series 1996.
Match Analysis: I won't say too much, but this match is WAY underrated. I don't see what keeps this from being a great match, considering that most people don't put it in that category. It told a great story, and moreover, helped launch Bret on his push that culminated in him winning the WWF title later in the year. Would it have been the same had Bret beaten the Mountie (or insert mid-card heel here) at WM 8 to get the title back? No, of course it wouldn't have. ****1/4. One of my favorite matches.
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Bobby Heenan introduces LEX LUGER, from the World Bodybuilding Federation. MWHAHAHAHAHA. Luger calls Gorilla Monsoon "fat," so Gorilla jumps out of his seat. That was funny. Then Luger drinks a glass of milk, because it does a body good.
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The next match is an 8-man tag, as the Nasty Boys, the Repo Man and the Mountie are taking on Jim Duggan, Virgil, Sgt. Slaughter, and the BIG Bossman. Before the match, the heel side cuts one of the funniest promos I've ever seen. You must see it. Anyhow, Ray Combs of Family Feud fame does this little comedy bit on the heels, saying that he surveyed 100 people. They chased him out of the ring when he finished the speech up.
Blow-by-blow: Everyone brawls, and all the heels get clotheslined, before bailing to the outside. WAIT A SECOND, Bobby Heenan has a special announcement. SHAWN MICHAELS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING. Ok, now back to the action. Duggan and Sags start the match, and after a Duggan clothesline, Sgt. Slaughter tags in. Knobbs also tags in, and Slaughter gives him a chestbreaker. A back elbow follows, and Bossman tags in. Bossman misses a charge to the corner though, so Repo Man comes into the match. Bossman gives him a shoulderblock, but he misses a splash. Repo tries to jump on Bossman, but Bossman quickly turns over and punches him in the nuts. Ouch. Virgil tags in and gives Repo a dropkick, then a crossbody off the top rope for 2. The Mountie punches Virgil in the head so that Repo can gain control, and Repo does, with a back suplex. Now everyone brawls, Sarge hits Knobbs with a roll of tape, and Virgil pins Knobbs for the victory at 6:32.
Match Analysis: Just one of those "get everyone on the show" tag matches. Nothing wrong with that. 1/2*.
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Mr. Perfect and Ric Flair are with Sean Mooney, and they're also in possession of a photo of Miss Elizabeth. Who knows what's inside the envelope. They plan to unveil it on the big screen when Flair wins.
Randy Savage's door is shut for Gene Okerlund, he grants no interviews before this match.
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And now, one part of the co-main event, this being Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair w/Mr. Perfect for the WWF Championship.
Blow-by-blow: Lots of bad blood here. Macho's wearing gold...foreshadowing, perhaps? Savage chases Flair around the ring, and attacks him in the aisle, before Perfect can pull Savage off of Flair. Flair gets Savage inside the ring, but Savage clotheslines Flair and knees him in the back. Savage goes up for a 10 punch, but Flair tries to bring him down with an inverted atomic drop, only to be clotheslined. Savage gives Flair a back elbow for 2, but on a charge at Flair, Flair backdrops Savage all the way to the floor. Yo. Savage's back hit the apron on the way down, so this looked a bit more rough than the other times that Savage took this move. Flair chops away and rams Savage into the apron before bringing Savage back in, where he gives Savage a suplex for 2. A Flair back suplex also gets a 2 count, as does a cover after a few chops. Flair gives Savage a kneedrop, then sends him outside, ramming him back-first into the ring apron. Then with Savage on the ring apron, he suplexes him in, for a 2 count. Savage finally comes back with a neckbreaker after a few punches, then Flair goes up to the top. Flair gets slammed down to the canvas, and then given a backdrop. 2 clotheslines follow as does a Flair flip, then Savage clotheslines Flair when Flair's on the apron, for a 2 count. Savage clotheslines Flair over the top, then goes all BOMBS AWAY down to the floor. Flair gets rammed to the steps as he's bleeding, and Savage gives Flair a suplex, on the floor. In we go, and Savage gives Flair a double axhandle for 2. Savage goes up again, and this time, he gives Flair the FLYING ELBOWDROP. Perfect pulls Savage out of the ring on the cover, so Savage chases Perfect. Perfect tosses an INTERNATIONAL object to Flair (had to wait long as possible to pull out that phrase), thusly, Flair hits Savage with it. The cover only gets 2. Perfect hits Savage in the back with a chair as the referee is distracted, which brings Elizabeth down to the ring. Flair begins to work on Savage's leg, with a kneebreaker and the FIGURE-FOUR LEGLOCK, as he uses Perfect for leverage. Savage reverses the hold as the referee spots the cheating, and when both stand up, Savage cradles Flair for 2. Flair tries to give Savage a kneebreaker, but Savage flips over and rolls up Flair while HOLDING THE TIGHTS for the THREE COUNT at 18:05. OMG, TWO TIME WWF CHAMPION MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE. Bobby Heenan says that he absolutely MUST leave the commentary position, and he does. Elizabeth came into the ring to celebrate, and now, Flair's making a move towards her. He kisses her, she slaps him. Savage enters the picture, and begins to beat the shit out of Flair, at least until officials intervene. Of course, Savage and Elizabeth celebrate, to end the show. OH WAIT, we've still got a whole lot more.
Match Analysis: Would've been the perfect moment to end a show on, amirite? Too bad it didn't. The things that knock this match down are the same things that knock Flair vs. Hogan at Bash '94 down, although to a lesser extent. Yeah, there is a ton of overbooking in this. Much of it is completely unnecessary. As for what is unnecessary, I don't really need to say, I'd rather have other people figure it out. The only part I believe isn't excess is Liz coming down to the ring. You can get there other ways than with Flair knocking Savage cold with a foreign object. Still, ****1/4. A damn good wrestling match, despite all of that. The overbooking wasn't what made the match great.
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Sean Mooney is with Mr. Perfect, Bobby Heenan, and Ric Flair, cause Flair has a LOT to say. Flair says that Savage is going to be claiming many falsehoods now, and that's what they are, false. The crazed look in Flair's eyes is the best thing on this entire show. Just being honest.
Mean Gene is with Savage, and this isn't over at all. He wants Elizabeth to take the title and go, then he says he'll do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get a hold of Flair. I'm still pissed that we didn't get a proper blowoff to this feud.
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Now, we look at a flashback from the WrestleMania VIII press conference, in which Hulk Hogan was named the #1 contender. Sid Justice really didn't like that, as he stated in an interview. At Saturday Night's Main Event #30, he showed his true colors. During a match which featured he and Hulk Hogan taking on Ric Flair and the Undertaker, Sid left the Hulkster in the ring, while he was being worked over by the heels. Brutus Beefcake tried to get all tough with Sid and make him stay, but when Sid reached back to punch Beefcake, Beefcake let him go. Remember, Beefcake had a messed up face, unfortunately, Sid didn't punch him. Then the WWF would've had reason to keep Beefcake off TV forever.
To be fair, Beefcake didn't stick around much longer, because Sid destroyed the Barber Shop on Wrestling Challenge. Sid had shaving cream all over his face while he wrecked the place. Ok, now enough of the professional sounding writing. Lastly, we get to see a video of Sid destroying a bunch of jobbers, Virgil among them.
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Before this next match, Rick Martel cuts a promo, namely describing how "Indians" know nothing about fashion. Haha.
Obviously, the next match is "The Model" Rick Martel vs. Tatanka.
Blow-by-blow: Prior to the bout, some Native Americans were doing this little performance in the ring. Surely to keep the fans in the arena awake, because it was a long time between the end of the Savage match and the start of this one. The Model is one of my favorite gimmicks, like, ever. Does that make me a homosexual? Tatanka hiptosses Martel to start the match, then slams him twice, causing Martel to bail out. Martel comes back in and rams Tatanka into the warrior, but Tatanka returns the favor. Martel misses a charge to the corner, but he comes right back with a chokeslam. Martel tosses Tatanka over the top and brings him right back in for some reason, giving Tatanka a backbreaker inside of the ring. Tatanka gives Martel a backdrop as his comeback is being made, and then a tomahawk chop. Martel responds with a scoop slam and clothesline, but Tatanka gives Martel a crossbody for 3 at 4:31.
Match Analysis: Just like the 8-man tag. A match to fill out the card. Better than the other, though. *1/4.
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Sean Mooney is with Money Inc., and seeing as IRS knows it's tax time, they have a lot of collecting to do, from the Natural Disasters. The Disasters are with Mean Gene, and they blabber a whole bunch of nonsense. Why were these two babyfaces, again?
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The next contest is, of course, the NATURAL DISASTERS vs. Money Inc. w/Jimmy Hart for the WWF Tag Team Championships.
Blow-by-blow: Earthquake and IRS look like they're about to start the match, but really, they can't decide who's going to start. DiBiase comes into the match, but Earthquake tosses him into the buckle, then clotheslines DiBiase's partner to follow. Earthquake works on IRS and Typhoon comes in, giving IRS a hipblock. Typhoon steps on IRS' tie, and then rams him into the buckle multiple times, before missing a charge to the corner. DiBiase comes in and chops away, but Typhoon comes back with a headbutt. Typhoon misses a charge at DiBiase and goes over the top to the outside, where IRS rams him into the steps. Inside, and IRS gives Typhoon an elbowdrop for 2. Follow that up with a double back elbow, and a DiBiase axhandle off the 2nd rope for 2. Then there's a double collision, and Earthquake tags in, along with IRS. Earthquake gives him a clothesline and a scoop slam, before SHAKING THE FOUNDATIONS OF THIS VERY RING. Hart and DiBiase then pull IRS out, and leave, getting counted out at 8:37.
Match Analysis: Well, that sucked. BUT, it wasn't the worst tag title match at Mania. That's on the next show. 3/4* for a general waste of time.
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Mean Gene is with Brutus the Barber...uh, why? Brutus talks about HULKAMANIA, but I'm not listening.
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Owen Hart vs. Skinner is our before the main event filler...
Blow-by-blow: Right from the get-go, Skinner spits some chewing tobacco on Owen. GROSS. Skinner gives Owen a shoulerbreaker, and a reverse DDT for a 2 count. Skinner tosses Owen over the top, Owen skins the cat to come back in, and rolls Skinner up for 3 at 1:10.
Match Analysis: Uh, good while it lasted? *.
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Now, the big hype for the big match.
Harvey Wippleman and Sid are with Mean Gene, talking about how he's the master, and how Sid rules the world. He says it's Hogan's last match. We see a video of Vince McMahon thanking Hogan for what he's given to the WWF, and that Hogan doesn't know whether or not this is his last match. Then we cut back to Sid, and Sid says he doesn't really care what Hogan had to say, cause he RULES THE WORLD.
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Of course, the main event is NOW, and that's Sid Justice w/Harvey Wippleman vs. Hulk Hogan.
Blow-by-blow: Harvey's at the ring to introduce Sid, during which Gorilla Monsoon says that he calls Sid, "Psycho Sid." Ha. Sid attacks Hogan at the beginning of the bout, but in response Hogan knocks Sid out of the ring and keeps him out. A big clothesline follows, so Hogan tears his shirt. Crowd is going batshit at the moment, so the two wrestlers stare down. Sid gives Hogan a knee and a rake of the face, but Hogan responds with a few rights that knock Sid out of the ring. Now we go to a LONG TEST OF STRENGTH, that Sid wins when he knees Hogan. Sid gives Hogan a big chokeslam (to a positive reaction), and he cuts a promo during the middle of the match. MWAHAHAHA. Sid punches Hogan in the kidney, then hits him with Harvey's doctor bag on the outside, twice, before sending Hogan in for the NERVE HOLD. Super, super long on that, but Sid ends Hogan's little rally with a sidewalk slam. Sid gives Hogan the POWERBOMB, and of course, it only gets 2. HULK-UP, big boot, SLAM, DROP THE FUCKIN' LEG, but Hogan only gets a 2 count. As we all know, Papa Shango was supposed to run into the ring. He did not. Not only did he not, he wasn't even close to getting there in time. Harvey runs into the match to get Hogan DQ'd at 12:26, so Hogan tosses Harvey onto Sid. Sid stands there like an idiot waiting for Shango, and when Shango finally gets there, he and Sid attack Hogan. The ULTIMATE WARRIOR'S music hits, and then the place really goes nuts. Bobby Heenan does too, and now, the Warrior cleans house. A chairshot from Sid does absolutely nothing, so he bails out. Now Warrior and Hogan pose to end the show.
Match Analysis: See, now that I've watched it again, I can understand why people said that Kerry Von Erich was the Ultimate Warrior. No lie when I say that I could not tell the difference during that run-in. Match was absolutely terrible. 1/2*. The Warrior run-in is something I watch multiple times whenever I watch the show. Can't help it, mostly because I love to hear Heenan's reaction.
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Rating: Great. Two ****+ matches equals great. Not the best WrestleMania up to that point, but close.
Best Segment: Uh, I prefer Bret vs. Piper to the rest. Maybe I'm alone on that.
Worst Segment: I have to pick something...the 8-man tag wasn't the worst, because of Ray Combs' funny little comedy routine. LOD's promo was.
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WrestleMania IX review will be up sometime. With the NCAA tournament occuring, who knows when.
