Plot: Like you're watching this for a plot synopsis.
Review: Porn and Zombies? Yep, it's been done before: Porno Holocaust, Erotic Orgasm, Naked Lovers, and to a far lesser (and grosser) extent, Porn of the Dead are proof that some want to see flesh eating cadavers and people fucking in the same movie. Hey, whatever gets you off, I guess. Now, from the man who gave you the notorious Anthropophagous and it's sequel Absurd comes (pun intended) "Erotic Nights of the Living Dead."
First, how does it work as a porno? Well, there's a memorable sequence involving a woman, a wine bottle, and a cork. Other than that, this is rather tame. Sure, there's sex, but for the most part, it largely isn't that hardcore-George Eastman (who also wrote the movie) even keeps his pants on during sex. Also, the sex itself isn't really that erotic.
So, how about the zombies? Well, the good news is, they are great, and quite creepy. Nearing the end, the movie even builds upon some atmosphere, and the gore is pretty good (yes, we do see a guy getting his cock bitten off.) However, the scenes of the undead doing their thing (no, the zombies don't fuck) are often inter cut with sex scenes, which ends up being distracting as a whole. That ends up being a problem, as it becomes clear that director Joe D'amoto* doesn't know what kind of movie he wants to do.
In the end, it doesn't work that well as a porno, and as a zombie movie, it works better. However, the two just don't see eye to eye.
* Apart from Anthropophagus, D'amato also directed "Porno Holocaust" and "Erotic Orgasm. He's mostly known however, for directing the MST3K favorite Ator The Invincible.
Rating: 4/10 A missed opportunity to say the least. Who keeps their pants on during sex anyway?
9 a.m.
• So the latest Drudge page had the following headline link: PRO SOCCER TEAM HELPS SUBDUE MAN...
Just from reading the headline I know what happened, but I can't resist this joke. *clears throat*
What, did they play a game in front of the guy and put him to sleep.
Thank you, thank you I'm here all week. Try the tortured baby cow.
• Because my uber-deal with Comcast is running out, I am going to be downgrading my services. Hey, I like having a plethora of HBO/Showtime/etc. channels for a good price, but I don't watch these channels nearly enough to justify paying market value for them. Now I went onto Comcast's web site to look for packages and/or deals because I hate being one of those customers who clog up the phone lines asking a customer service rep. "how much is it if I just get this set of channels?" As I entered in my address and zip code to look for SUPER DEALS IN MY AREA I got the following message: The Comcast Triple Play is not available because Comcast Digital Voice is not yet available in your area. If you would like to find out if Comcast Digital Phone is available in your area, please call 1-800-COMCAST.
Que? I've had Comcast Voice for more than TWO YEARS and had the Triple Play package from 2006-2007.
10 p.m.
• As I was flipping channels this morning, I came across some cartoon that was like Pokemon but only with dinosaurs. Now for a split second I was thinking "Is this what passes for Saturday morning cartoons these days? In my time..."
Then I remembered...
And this is one heck of a way to make breakfast.
Plot: Jessica (Zohra Lampert) is let out of a mental ward, and moves into a country home with friends. So, what's with the strange drifer girl (Gretchen Corbett)? Or the vampire in the lake? Or the townspeople with those odd scars?
Review: The term "lost classic" gets thrown around a lot, especially in the horror genre. Hardcore fans such as yours truly love to mention movies like Vampyr, Horrors Of Malformed Men, The Strange Vice of Mrs. Wardh, and others as examples of why we should continue to dig for great but overlooked horror movies. One movie that gets thrown around by such fans is John Hancock's 1971 classic "Let's Scare Jessica To Death."
The movie itself is not a gorefest-bloodshed is quite limited within the movie-but what it lacks in disembowelments it makes up for in creeping dread and atmosphere. Throughout most of the movie, we are unsure what is real or what is a dream, as Jessica's paranoia reaches a fever pitch level, and the atmosphere clouds over the viewer, up to the conclusion. The dead in the movie are not rotting corpses bent on destruction, but are instead undead townspeople who you can't trust, bringing to mind the classic Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
Also, just like Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things, Messiah Of Evil, and I Drink Your Blood, "Jessica" serves and a condemnation of hippie culture-and may be the biggest middle finger-the biggest proverbial fuck you-to the culture, as it reveals many of the things that destroyed it, and it wasn't authority figures either: bickering, in fighting, egos, the looming sense of comformity, acid drenched delusions, paranoia, and more figure into the movie. The overriding message of the film seems to be that even without authority and police figures, the hippie movement was doomed to fail from the get go-only it would end up destroying itself instead of the other way around.
"Let's Scare Jessica To Death" is a great horror movie, and deserves it's cult reputation.
Rating: 9/10 One of the best horror movies from the 70's you haven't seen or heard of. Recommended.
5:30 p.m.
• So I have a weeklong work trip starting on Sunday and as usual I haven’t even thought of packing. Every time I go somewhere (which isn’t often) I always tell myself “this will be the time when I pack early and don’t run around at the last minute throwing a bunch of shit into luggage.” Who the hell am I fooling?
• I heard about this story on the radio this afternoon.
“I didn’t do nothing.” She’s from Wilkinsburg? Really?
Holy shit is this Google Maps thing scary. Once I get off Rt. 30, this is the next road I take coming into work when the better half and I drive in together. (For some reason Penn Avenue is not showing up on that last link. Click on it and enter "1110 Penn Avenue" before "Wilkinsburg" in the search bar.) Just scroll along NW on Penn Avenue and see the sights of my wonderful commute. Actually, seeing this shithole motivates me like hell to keep up with the bills and stay at my job. Also, when we drive in it's usually around 6:30 in the morning, meaning all the black people are still sleeping off their crack highs. Except for a small group at the "Labor Ready" store. God bless them for wanting to make a living.
Weird. I wrote this post at least a month ago, but apparently forgot to actually publish it.
-----------------------------------
Posting about pets is the latest craze to sweep the TSM blogosphere so I thought I'd blatantly steal the idea and post about our pets.
Sassy
I'm not really a cat person. I don't mind them, but, if given a choice, I would opt for a dog. That said, this is Sassy. Sassy is about 8 years old. sfaJill got her after seeing a posting on a campus bulletin board back in 2000, which means she's had Sassy about a year longer than she's had me.
Sassy is a very 'talkative' cat and used to be pretty tolerant of other kitties/animals--until she became an 'only cat' after sfaJill and her sister stopped living together a few years back. I know this because when we were keeping her sister's cat a year and a half ago during their move, Sassy would spend all of her time keeping Cocoa (who isn't very well adjusted and thus terrified of just about everything) "trapped" in a particular corner of the kitchen. It was so bad that we ended up having to put another litter box in that corner because Cocoa--too afraid to leave the safety of her corner perch and risk getting attacked by Sassy--would just do her business on the kitchen floor. Stupid cat.
Where was I? Oh yeah...
Sassy's had a pretty charmed life: all the food she could want, constant attention from sfaJill, sleeping on the bed with us, etc. She's even managed to make some strides in getting my general household rule of "no animals on the furniture"--a rule that held firm for about 5 days after sfaJill moved in back in December 2006--relaxed by constantly testing my patience with it to the point where it's not worth the effort to fight it anymore.
Sassy probably felt like she was the queen of the world. So imagine her dismay this past New Year's Eve when we brought home...
Wrigley
Yes, he is named after Wrigley Field. We got Wrigley when he was 8 weeks old from sfaJill's aunt, who breeds Huskies, Akitas, and Bernese Mountain Dogs. Wrigley was free to us because he supposedly has some joint defect in his leg and was thus unable to be sold (note: thus far, there is no sign of that defect). sfaJill, who has never had a dog before Wrigley, had been pushing to get a dog for a while (supposedly because I 'needed' a dog); I was against the idea because, as someone who's had dogs most of my life, I know how much work it can be to take care of one--especially a puppy--and our lifestyle (gone 12-13 hours a day for work) might not be a great fit for a dog. Certainly not one that requires a lot of attention like huskies do anyway.
But because she was so insistent and I would have had to put up with an unprecedented level of whining if we passed on a 'free' dog, I went against my better judgment and agreed to get the dog. The results? Mixed, at best.
Good:
- He is fun to play with.
- He is always thrilled to see anybody and is usually happy to just be in the same room with you.
- Gives me an excuse to go to the dog park and semi-flirt with the MILFs that bring their dogs there. (I'm kidding. Sort of. I just like looking at the MILFs.)
Bad:
- The dog has seperation issues. We actually had to start leaving him outside during the day because he was either destroying the kitchen or climbing over the gate into the living room and destroying stuff there, in addition to pissing and shitting on the carpet. He's been better since he's been staying outside, but still...way too anxious about being by himself.
- Nothing in life is free. What I mean is that, within three months of our getting him, he had to go in for surgery because he ate a piece of bark mulch out of the flower bed and it got lodged in his intestine, making him unable to digest anything and/or poop. Total cost? $2600. At least we were able to get him neutered at the same time.
Since then, the 'tab' has kept on growing. For instance, just yesterday, sfaJill told me that after I had left work and while she was in the shower, he ate $4 worth of winning scratch-off lottery tickets.
- He has dug a few holes in the back yard and absolutely destroyed the back door with his constant jumping and scratching at it. This has not made me very happy, for obvious reasons.
- There are other things to list here, but I doubt anyone gives a shit and I'm going to have to get back to work here. Suffice it to say, I'm not totally impressed with the dog.
7:30 p.m.
• So the better half is on vacation this week and next, and she decided to do the “family” thing this week. And by “family” I mean deal with all the bitching and yelling going on with her mother and nieces/nephews. I shouldn’t be too quick to point out the lunacy of having “family fun time” when in most instances it involves crying, screaming and temper tantrums. The major culprit in all this is the 21-year-old out-of-control knocked-up niece-in-law. And of course, Mrs. kkk’s mother, despite all the bitching she does about this particular black sheep of the family, does everything in her power to cater to the crack-whore. At the amusement park earlier this week the out-of-control niece-in-law was telling the better half about how her boyfriend wants to videotape her blowing some other guy. She was saying this, mind you, with the 11-year-old nephew and 9-year-old niece in the same car. Then before a trip to the zoo the niece-in-law held everyone else up from leaving by several hours because she wasn’t “ready.” When she finally was she slept for half the day. Another time the niece-in-law was trying to cook dinner for everyone and was running at least an hour behind before Mrs. kkk left her mother’s house. Where was I going with all this? Oh, yeah.
During the aforementioned zoo trip, the 11-year-old nephew wanted to buy a gift for his parents. (I’m telling this kid ain’t right). His 9-year-old sister then decided to as well. The nephew saved $20 from the money he made cutting grass this summer. The niece? Well, she makes $3 a day watching some dog. How much has the niece saved up for this purchase? You guessed it: $3.
The niece then said to her brother that they should pull their resources together. The nephew said “no” and added that “she should have saved her money up” like he did. This caused the niece to begin throwing a fit, which prompted my mother-in-law to feel guilty and ask Mrs. kkk if they should give the niece money to buy her parents a gift. The better half said “no” because that would make the nephew’s saving money this summer go to waste. I’m impressed; some of my Jew logic has rubbed off. Why am I saying all this? Because I just found out who the Democrat and Republican will be when it comes to my 11-year-old nephew and 9-year-old niece.
Wait a second. No it doesn’t. Damn you Republicans – why did you have to double the federal budget and rack up trillions more in debt? It’s getting harder and harder to make these types of comparisons.
Hey, look…
KITTIES!
You know, I can’t remember what I have posted and what I haven’t posted. This was one of Max when we first took him in as a stray. The other two didn’t warm up to him all that much. I knew Dessa would hate him right off the bat (and continue to do so), as you can see from above, but JJ surprised me a bit.
For a month or two JJ wouldn't even look in his direction, and he even hissed at him once or twice. (If JJ hisses, you know something is up.) There was really nothing Max could do, even though he tried to get along. It was sad seeing him in a submissive role and still getting hissed at, swatted and chased around the house. However, my thinking was that the three of them would sort it out and that whatever treatment he got in our house was a hundred times better than fending for himself out in the freezing cold. It took him six months for JJ to get used to Max. And by “used to” I mean roll around with him on the floor in a wrestle-like fashion. Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it wrestling. JJ will plop on the floor, Max will jump on top of him and after about 5 seconds JJ will get up and run away. Whatever. In their world I’m sure it means something.
Plot: A band of would be filmmakers go to an abandoned hospital, and find a real dead body-which they use for the movie. It ends up opening a portal to hell-and unleashing some zombies.
Review: I make no apologies whatsoever when I say that I like the movie Scream. Sure, I may lose cred to some horror nerds, but I answer only to myself, thank you. I don't like though, what came after "Scream": A series of annoying, self aware horror movies that thought they were clever, but weren't. Case in point: "The Dead Hate The Living", released by the one interesting Full Moon Studios, is proof that a love for zombie movies does not make a good zombie movie.
The movie is full of references to other, better horror movies: Return of the Living Dead, The Beyond, Cannibal Ferox, to name a few-and while it's heart seems to be in the right place, it all comes off as fanboyish nonsense, which is essentially what it is. Not only that, it's bad fanboyish nonsense. The acting is non-existence, the references to Bruce Campbell and Fangoria are annoying, the soundtrack-filled with bad horror punk, psychobilly, and horrorcore rap-is grating, and the mugging for the camera hurts as well.
To be fair, the zombie and gore FX are decent, but they aren't enough to save this dreck from being any good.
Writer/Director David Parker would go on to write the notoriously bad House of the Dead (no, he's not happy with the way it turned out-can't say I blame him), and was originally attached to direct a Michael vs. Pinhead movie, though that movie never came to pass thank God. He also acted in the movie Free Enterprise, which is actually a pretty damn good comedy. Amazingly, when "Dead Hate The Living!" came out, some were praising Parker as one of horror's next big things, which shows how bad the shape of the genre was in at the time. After HOTD, his career never took off or fully recovered.
Rating: 2/10 Proof that while anyone can make a zombie movie, not everyone can make a good one.
Plot: A team of researchers go to Africa end up running into Leopard Vampire Goddesses and their zombie minions.
Review: From the man who gave us the "Blind Dead" series comes "Night of the Sorcerers", a wonderfully tacky exploitation mini-masterpiece.
First things first: this movie will offend some people. The African natives are portrayed stereotypically (you expect somebody to say "where all the white women at?" at any point"), with grass skirts, masks, voodoo rituals, and kidnapping white women, among other things. Those sensitive to such things should avoid this.
Those who fully embrace exploitation movies though, may have a blast. Yes, it's gleefully politically incorrect, but it's an exploitation movie. What do you expect? While there may not be a huge amount of zombie action, the movie fulfills it's exploitation elements: whippings, rape, zombies, vampirism, orgiastic voodoo ceremonies, gory beheadings, a face melted by acid, gratuitous nudity, melodramatic overacting, a fun score, hot chicks in leopard skin bikinis-what's not to love?
"Night of the Sorcerers" is not for everyone, but those who love exploitation at it's cheesiest will be in heaven.
Rating: 8/10 A real blast for fans of Eurotrash cinema.
Another blogger did a mock NBA draft from the board, inserting himself into the spot of one of the participants. I decided to do the same thing with the wrestling draft in the General Wrestling folder. One twist, instead of taking a spot I am simply going to take a pick at the end of each round, picking last each time. Let's see how this goes.
1: "Nature Boy" Buddy Rogers. Wrestling's top heel in the 1950s into the '60s. An iconic figure for fans of that era, and a top draw.
2. Bruno Sammartino. Too popular to be ignored, despite relative lack of working ability.
3. Magnum T.A. Extremely popular babyface attraction.
4. Nick Bockwinkel. Top heel, both as a talker and a worker.
5. Classy Fred Blassie. A tremendous heel in his day, an outstanding talker as well.
6. Lou Thesz.
7. Bobo Brazil.
8. Mil Mascaras. A top babyface whose aerial offense could excite the crowd.
9. Jim Londos. A handsome undersized greek would make a tremendous babyface.
10. Killer Kowalski.
11. Mr. Fuji & Toru Tanaka. The beginning of a tag team division.
12. Billy Robinson. The worker/shooter of the promotion.
13. Ken Patera. Undrafted after 400+ picks? Get on the ball people!
14. Johnny Valentine.
15. The Fabulous Kangaroos (Al Costello & Roy Heffernan)
16. Antonino Rocca & Miguel Perez. A popular, main event, ethnic tag team.
17. Red Bastien. Top worker and face in the early 70s. Could occasionally team with Robinson.
18. Doug Somers & Buddy Rose.
19. Whipper Billy Watson. One of the biggest stars in Canadian wrestling history.
20. Jimmy & Johnny Valiant.
21. Don Leo Jonathan. Large, agile heel.
21 picks in, that looks like an extremely stacked promotion. Not a great workrate promotion, but most of these guys are no slouches in the ring and they know how to work a crowd. I'll fill in picks as they happen and later on unveil a fantasy wrestling card.
Three more picks.
22. Mr. Wrestling II. Popular performer in Georgia in the 1970s.
23. Superstar Bill Dundee.
24. Jay Youngblood. Great young babyface, passed before his time.
So about a month ago I started a new blog at http://www.hoodwinking.blogspot.com
So from now on I am using messageboards for posting, and myspace for whatever the hell myspace is used for.
If you wanna actually take the time to read my blog just follow the link above or click the link in my sig.
That is all.
8 p.m.
• Nothing all that exciting to report. The alleged baby's daddy of my out-of-control niece-in-law is probably going to get kicked out of his house. Damn Bush economy. I bet W. made him rack up those credit card bills, too.
• Go away, Brett Favre.
I haven't followed this story all that much, but there comes a time when a team has to look out for its future. These off-season "Will I or won't I return?" games have to eventually stop. And why the hell would the Packers let him go to a divisional opponent?
• Speaking of football, kkk Bowl VI will be announced sometime during the NFL preseason. I was seriously thinking of not holding this contest anymore, especially since I probably wouldn't have been able to update the standings each week. Thankfully, I'll be getting some help from the mods (or at least that's what I'm being told).
• Last week in the USA Weekend special insert found in many Sunday newspapers, there was an interesting story about why cats don't get treated better than dogs despite more people owning felines than canines.
Now I'm sure I don't need to bring up my affection for kitties, but I have no problem with dogs being higher up on the social ladder than cats. One reason cats are more often abandoned is that, like the author said, more people have cats than dogs. And because dogs are more in tune to a "pack" mentality, they would often be more devoted to their owners than cats. And regarding vet care, dogs should get better treatment. You don't see a K-9 kitty lunging after a robbery suspect. You don't see cats herding livestock. All a cat is really good for is killing rodents.
But in case you are thinking I have lost my kitty-loving ways, here's some more pics of the family.
Plot: The only survivor of a plane crash finds herself being followed by the dead-to finish the job death planned for her.
Review: The plot may sound a lot like that of Final Destination, but that's where the similarities end. What we end up getting is an original, relatively gore free horror flick, and anunderrated zombie movie that owes more to Carnival of Souls than Zombi 2.
The most intriguing aspect of the movie is it's treatment of the zombies. These are not mindless, flesh eating hordes, or corpses brought back by a chemical leak or voodoo. These are a cruel parody of death, working for the reaper, and working with a serious purpose. They are quite creepy too, and bring forth an aura of serious dread and menace reminiscent of the dead found in underrated fare like Dead & Buried and Messiah of Evil. The acting is also strong, with Anita Skinner playing a convincing lead character.
Director Thom Eberhardt would go on to direct the more tongue and cheek apocalyptic zombie movie Night of the Comet, as well as Gross Anatomy and to a lesser extent, Captain Ron.
As it stands though, this is his best movie. It's now out on DVD thanks to Code Red (complete with linear notes by genre authority Stephen Thrower), and is worth your money. I recommend it.
Rating: 9/10 One of the best 80's horror movies you haven't seen, "Sole Survivor" is an underrated gem. Check it out.
(#) = last year's final ranking
1. Georgia (2)
2. Missouri (3)
3. USC (7)
4. Florida (12)
5. Oklahoma (9)
6. LSU (1)
7. Ohio State (6)
8. Virginia Tech (8)
9. West Virginia (5)
10. Auburn (11)
11. Kansas (4)
12. Tennessee (13)
13. Illinois (22)
14. Clemson (17)
15. Wake Forest (NR)
16. Texas Tech (19)
17. Wisconsin (NR)
18. South Florida (NR)
19. Texas (16)
20. BYU (21)
21. Oregon (NR)
22. Arizona State (18)
23. South Carolina (NR)
24. Alabama (NR)
25. Connecticut (NR)
others - Boise State (NR), Mississippi State (24), California (NR), TCU (NR), Miami (NR)
Conference Champions:
ACC - Virginia Tech
ACC Atlantic
1. Clemson
2. Wake Forest
ACC Coastal
1. Virginia Tech
2. Miami
Big East - West Virginia
Big East
1. West Virginia
2. South Florida
3. Connecticut
4. Cincinnati
Big Ten - Ohio State
Big Ten
1. Ohio State
2. Illinois
3. Wisconsin
4. Purdue
Big 12 - Missouri
Big 12 North
1. Missouri
2. Kansas
Big 12 South
1. Oklahoma
2. Texas Tech
Conference USA - Tulsa
Conference USA East
1. Central Florida
2. Southern Mississippi
Conference USA West
1. Tulsa
2. Houston
Pac 10 - USC
Pac 10
1. USC
2. Oregon
3. Arizona State
4. California
SEC - Georgia
SEC East
1. Georgia
2. Florida
SEC West
1. LSU
2. Auburn
WAC - Boise State
WAC
1. Boise State
2. Fresno State
3. Nevada
4. Hawaii
Mountain West - BYU
Mountain West
1. BYU
2. TCU
3. Utah
4. Air Force
MAC - Ball State
MAC East
1. Miami OH
2. Bowling Green
MAC West
1. Ball State
2. Central Michigan
Sun Belt - Florida Atlantic
Sun Belt
1. Florida Atlantic
2. Troy
3. Arkansas State
4. Middle Tennessee
Plot: Dr. Frosta preys on Beggars and Gypsies so he can continue his work on the dead. When his girlfriend leaves him, things get pretty bad.
Review: A Spanish/American co-production, "Swamp Of the Ravens" is a good example of a meat and potatoes exploitation movie: it might not meet all the requirements, but it still has enough to count some.
The movie itself isn't that much of a zombie movie, as the doctor's failed experiments float and hang around the swamp. It's really more of a Mad Scientist movie, with plenty of evil doings and little if any zombie action. Also, there aren't many ravens in this swamp-there's a lot of buzzards though.
Still, the movie has enough sleaze and weirdness to make it watchable. This includes a little gore (including real life autopsy footage), nudity (including necrophilia-not that graphic though), a score that sounds like outtakes from a Yes album, and a weird lounge act with a ventriloquist.They sure don't make 'em like this anymore.
"Swamp Of The Ravens" is a decent time waster: it might not meet all of your hopes, but it's watchable, and has it's moments nonetheless.
Rating: As a zombie movie, 2/10, but as an old school exploitation movie, it gets 6/10.
Plot:A newly hired housekeepr must take care of a spoiled, troubled kid named Rosalie, who has telekinetic powers. She uses these powers to summon her friends-a group of malevolent zombies-to do her bidding.
Review: "The Child" is a flawed but watchable entity. Shot for about $30,000, the movie played in drive ins and Grindhouses as part of a double bill with Fredrick Friedels' odd Axe, and is something of a minor cult classic in some respects.
The movie has it's share of flaws: poor acting (Rosalie Cole is particularly annoying as the evil Rosalie), and the score (an overbearing mix of bad synth squalls and overwrought piano), as well as taking what feels like an eternity to get going.
When it does get going though, the movie picks up considerably. The onslaught of the undead, while not huge, is still great stuff, and the make up effects for the zombies is quite good and original, especially when you consider the budget. The movie eventually channels Night of the Living Dead with it's zombie seige conclusion, though it still works.
"The Child" is not a perfect movie, and doesn't exactly come with a recommendation, but it's a decent timewaster, and would make a great double bill with Bob Clark's Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things.
Rating: 6.5 "The Child" is a cult oddity that should please fans of mini-budget weirdness.
Plot: A team of petty Jewel thieves find themselves fighting for their lives when the factory they are in turns out to be infested with zombies-including a hot naked chick.
Review: Take one part Tarantino knock off, one part Re-Animator, one part Return of the Living Dead 3, and three parts Italian zombie movie, and you get "Junk"- a derivative, unoriginal, but really fun zombie movie that plays like the best one Italy never made-only it's from Japan.
The movie borrows liberally from from a variety of movies (the ones mentioned above, as well as Day of the Dead, Bruno Mattei's so bad it's brilliant Hell of the Living Dead, and a few others), yet somehow, it ends up being a blast. The gore is great and plentiful (including quite an original scene where a zombie consumes it's own flesh), as the undead eat human flesh with relish, and people shoot, stab, electrocute, etc. them with gusto. Oh, and there's a hot naked zombie chick (well, she's naked most of the time-when she's not, she's in tight leather) with big tits whose also smarter, faster, and smarter than the other zombies in the movie.
While the movie is unoriginal and derivative, that fact is never distracting. What is distracting though, is the English speaking/American actors, who are so bad, it's painful. I'm talking bad local theater production levels bad. You'll cringe whenever they appear on screen.
Still, "Junk" is a blast of mindless cheesy fun, and is a perfect "pack of beer with friends" movie.
Rating: 7.5/10 Derivative nature and poor acting aside, "Junk" is still a a lot of fun, though it doesn't have much on the mind.
8:30 p.m.
• Now what can go wrong with this?
• How about awarding people money and they buy the gas themselves?
Oh, wait, we're talking about lottery people. Christ, the same people spending $50 per day in lottery tickets will be the biggest complainers at the pump.
•
Plot: Dr. Obrero * (Dan O' Brien) is experimenting on corpses on a remote Island. Well, an expedition team (which includes Zombi 2's Ian McCulloch) ends up on the island-and runs into the Docotor, who has some plans-as well as cannibals and zombies-in store for them.
Review: Titled "Dr Butcher M.D." when it came to video in the 80's, "Zombie Holocaust" is an interesting-and fun-blend of two different kinds of Italian Gore flicks: The Italian Zombie movie, and the Italian Cannibal movie-only without any of the animal torture and mutilation of the later.
The movie has some nice gore (surgical and otherwise-including an awesome motorboat engine to the head death) and nudity to liven things up, as well as a fun score and tons of camp. Also, unlike other Italian gore flicks of the time, the movie features a little intentional humor to go with it ("The patients screaming disturbed me, performed removal of vocal chords"-that line always gets me), which after the downbeat feeling of Fulci's zombie movies, is something of a breath of undead air. It's nice to see an Italian gore flick that doesn't take itself too seriously for a change.
If there is any problem, it's that the zombie aspect feels rather underplayed, as they aren't used for much. Sure, there's that aforementioned death by boat motor, but they don't do a whole lot to threaten the team, as the cannibals are more of a threat.
Still, "Zombie Holocaust" is a blast of exploitation that fans of over the top Italian Horror might enjoy. I know I did.
*In case you ever wondered where I got the old username Dr Obrero, now you know.
Rating: 3/10 as a zombie movie, but 8/10 as a fun exploitation movie. I recommend it.
Plot: Mad Scientists (including late minor cult movie icon Renee Harmon) discover a new technology that turns people into remote controlled/frozen zombies that kill.
Review: "Frozen Scream" isn't just a bad movie-it's a frustrating one at that. The premise (though campy) is at least original, yet it fails. Why?
Well for starters, the acting (save Harmon, who's icy, emotionless performance is sort of interesting) is dreadful. Harmon is clearly the only person in the movie with any acting experience, as everybody else obviously has little to no experience in the field. The only things that break the tedium are the loud (and weird) electronic score (half of the movies cues are from the notably awful backwoods slasher flick Don't Go In The Woods-which H. Kingsley Thurber also scored) and the (unconvincing) gore effects, both of which have a weird low budget charm.
The biggest problems though, are the inability to do anything with the interesting premise, and the general uneventfulness of the whole thing. The movie has a goofy but original premise, but it never realizes the potential that it has. Instead, people just babble on incessantly about immortality. It's a movie where you keep waiting for something-anything- to happen, and while a few things do happen (eyeball violence is always welcome), not enough does happen.
Still, it's at least better than the Shot On Camcorder zombie movies reviewed here, though that isn't saying much.
* The IMDB and a few other sources may say that the movie was made and released in 1975- but it actually came out in 1981.
Rating: 3/10 There's some minor pluses, but they are far too many minuses to make it good. Instead, "Frozen Scream" is a total bore.
8 p.m.
• There are times I really hate TSM. After reading the Diablo III thread I got the urge to start playing my Diablo II characters. Goddamnit. Oh well, I always seem to quit once I get to Nightmare level, so let’s get to it.
I remember when the first Diablo came out I got it while living by myself in Sappy Valley. I had nothing better to do and the game was cheap and highly rated. I don’t play games on the computer because that’s what a game console is for. However, this was an exception. Besides, my Genesis was back at the in-law’s house ready for an Ohio trip. I played the game once or twice and it was good enough. After moving to Ohio and settling in, the better half noticed me playing it one night and inquired. Soon thereafter she was playing the game more than me. This of course made us HAVE to get the sequel. Then the expansion pack. Oh who am I kidding? I like playing the game, too.
This actually brings back another memory. Now although I said before I play 99 percent of my games in front of a television instead of a computer screen, Diablo is an exception to this rule. While I was in Ohio I noticed the Playstation Diablo title on sale at a used game store. I bought it and played the game with Mrs. kkk for about 20 minutes. Boy was it horrible. A few days later I went to sell it back. I wasn’t looking for a return. Hey, I made the purchase and didn’t like the product. The game itself wasn’t faulty. And this was a used game store after all. Well I went in and offered my wares. At first the sales clerk was excited – a little too excited – about seeing this Playstation game. Then he said he couldn’t buy this copy. Why? Because it was too scratched up and not up to the quality of store standards. Uhhhh, you SOLD me this game three days before in the SAME condition. I don’t use my CD/DVD/video game discs as Frisbees or coasters. The scratches didn’t come overnight. Amazingly enough, the clerk had no response to my “buy you sold me this game earlier in the week” response.
Where was I going with this? Nowhere. Big shock.
8:30 p.m.
• Here's one from the latest batch of pics I took from the camera an uploaded to the computer.
Of course over the last several months these three have been sleeping with us, which makes for some interesting sleeping positions. Dessa (pictured middle) usually camps out between the better half and I because she doesn't want to be near the other two. Max (far) will sleep on the other side of Mrs. kkk because he doesn't like sleeping by me because I tend to roll on top of him. One night he gave a yelp and ran away, which caused Dessa to chase him and hiss. This in turn made JJ run out and see what was going on. Pretty soon there was screaming across the living room; not what you want to hear at 2 a.m. Max also doesn't like laying on the bed sheets so the better half has to make sure he is able to lay on the comforter. JJ usually takes what's available -- meaning he has to sleep by me or next to Mrs. kkk and far enough from Dessa.
It's like the Miss TSM Tournament, but I make all the rules and do all the voting!
RULES:
1. Girls only. The hottest girls. For the purposes of this tournament, only their looks matter.
2. Age limit of 17+ (Disqualified: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez.)
3. The girls shall be famous. 'Fame' is defined as having 5+ pictures turn up on Google Images. (Disqualified: Leena, local girls.)
4. Voting shall be based on current physical form (Disqualified: Dead porn stars.)
5. Voting between two girls shall be determined by which one I would rather creampie (while considering all possible real-life consequences).
6. Seeding is simply the order in which I added the girls to the tournament. Upsets can and will happen.
("And the seventh thing, I like the most that you dooooo...")
7. Brackets shall be broken into four geographic regions: North (Europe), South (Latin America), West (North America), and East (Asia). Each bracket shall contain 16 girls who fit in that region.
ROUND 1 (64)
NORTH (Europe)
1. Scarlett Johansson (Denmark)
16. Monica Bellucci (Italy)
8. Angelina Jolie (Slovakia)
9. Veronica Zemanova (Czech Republic)
5. Lucy Pinder (England)
12. Olga Kurylenko (Ukraine)
4. Audrey Bitoni (Italy)
13. Layla El (England) - Difficult decision.
3. Eliza Dushku (Albania)
14. Mila Kunis (Ukraine)
6. Petra Nemcova (Czech Republic) - Czech girls are babes.
11. Ashley Robbins (Czech Republic)
7. Lacey Chabert (France)
10. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia)
15. Alyssa Milano (Italy)
SOUTH (Latin America)
1. Mariah Carey (Venezuela)
16. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico) - Super upset alert! Mariah looks great, but Somaya is insane.
8. Roselyn Sanchez (Puerto Rico)
9. Christina Milian (Cuba)
5. Eva Avila (Peru)
12. Jessica Alba (Mexico)
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico) - Hottest 37-year-old ever.
13. Sienna West (Mexico(?))
3. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil)
14. Jenaveve Jolie (Mexico)
6. Shakira (Colombia) - More of a good girlfriend.
11. Alexis Amore (Peru)
7. Eva Longoria (Mexico)
10. Nina Mercedez (Mexico) - Here's a possible George Mason.
2. Adriana Lima (Brazil)
15. Paula DeAnda (Mexico) - Would have beaten quite a few other people.
WEST (North America)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA)
16. Morgan Webb (Canada)
8. Katherine McPhee (USA)
9. Paris Hilton (USA)
5. Elisha Cuthbert (Canada)
12. Pandora Dreams (Native American) - Tough draw.
4. Kelly Kelly (USA)
13. Lindy Slinger (USA) - She's a Tisdale clone!
3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen (USA) - Back in the day, she'd have final four potential.
14. Hilary Duff (USA)
6. Kristy Lee Cook (USA)
11. Julie Dubela (USA) - Love the attitude.
7. Lanny Barbie (Canada) - It's amazing that she does porn.
10. Brenna Gethers (USA)
2. Shyla Stylez (Canada)
15. JoJo (Native American)
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)
16. Satomi Yoshida (Japan)
8. Moon Bloodgood (South Korea) - She gives those sexy looks.
9. Kaylani Lei (Singapore)
5. Koda Kumi (Japan) - Wins the coincidental Cutie Honey battle.
12. Eriko Sato (Japan)
4. Brenda Song (Laos) - Not an instant decision.
13. Leah Dizon (China)
3. Miranda Kerr (Australia)
14. Sayaka Ando (Japan)
6. Miwa Oshiro (Japan)
11. Natsuki Iijima (Japan) - Minor upset.
7. Aishwarya Rai (India)
10. Tera Patrick (Thailand) - Damn, India vs. Thailand. Both rock.
2. Reon Kadena (Japan)
15. Chisato Morishita (Japan)
ROUND 2 (32)
NORTH (Europe)
1. Scarlett Johansson (Denmark)
9. Veronica Zemanova (Czech Republic) - Hail to the Czechs.
5. Lucy Pinder (England) - Tits only get you so far.
13. Layla El (England)
3. Eliza Dushku (Albania) - Too girlfriendy.
6. Petra Nemcova (Czech Republic)
10. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - You know you're hot when you beat a Disney girl.
SOUTH (Latin America)
16. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico) - So hot.
8. Roselyn Sanchez (Puerto Rico)
5. Eva Avila (Peru)
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico)
3. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil)
11. Alexis Amore (Peru)
10. Nina Mercedez (Mexico)
2. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - This matchup happened too early. I want inside them both.
WEST (North America)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA)
8. Katherine McPhee (USA)
5. Elisha Cuthbert (Canada) - You know you're hot when you beat a Tisdale clone.
13. Lindy Slinger (USA)
3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen (USA)
6. Kristy Lee Cook (USA)
7. Lanny Barbie (Canada) - I'd rather creampie Lanny.
2. Shyla Stylez (Canada) - But I'd rather fuck Shyla because of her sexual ability.
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)
8. Moon Bloodgood (South Korea)
5. Koda Kumi (Japan)
4. Brenda Song (Laos)
3. Miranda Kerr (Australia)
11. Natsuki Iijima (Japan)
10. Tera Patrick (Thailand)
2. Reon Kadena (Japan) - Chalk.
ROUND 3 (Sweet 16)
NORTH (Europe)
9. Veronica Zemanova (Czech Republic)
13. Layla El (England)
6. Petra Nemcova (Czech Republic)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Too gorgeous to allow the all-Czech battle.
SOUTH (Latin America)
16. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico)
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico) - Fuck, what a matchup.
3. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil)
2. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - Look at her eyes, holy shit.
WEST (North America)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA)
5. Elisha Cuthbert (Canada) - I considered having her actually beat Tisdale, but no.
3. Tiffani Amber Thiessen (USA)
7. Lanny Barbie (Canada) - I'm surprised she's still going. Cuthbert crushes her.
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)
4. Brenda Song (Laos) - Would have won a few years ago.
3. Miranda Kerr (Australia)
2. Reon Kadena (Japan) - No one has really challenged her.
ROUND 4 (Elite 8)
NORTH (Europe)
9. Veronica Zemanova (Czech Republic)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Practically a toss-up.
SOUTH (Latin America)
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico) - A sexiness that transcends time.
2. Adriana Lima (Brazil)
WEST (North America)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - No contest.
7. Lanny Barbie (Canada)
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines) - It's almost not fair to put her in Asia.
2. Reon Kadena (Japan)
ROUND 5 (Final 4)
NORTH (Europe) vs. SOUTH (Latin America)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia)
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico) - She's less curvy but still definitely sexier.
WEST (North America) vs. EAST (Asia)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - Hudgens was better in High School Musical 1 but not anymore.
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)
ROUND 6 (Championship)
WORLD CUP
4. Paulina Rubio (Mexico)
1. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - She's simply invincible right now.
Plot: A dude is killed, another guy wants revenge, and people kill each other, then return...over and over again. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
Review: I don't even know why I bother. As I mentioned in my review of Zombie Bloodbath, the 90's gave us a series of horrible shot on camcorder zombie movies. This wasn't just an American phenomenon, as this was also hugely popular in Germany, which has somehow become a haven for terrible microbudget splatterfests. This is no exception, and actually manages to be worse than Zombie Bloodbath. At least Zombie Bloodbath had something resembling a plot.
The whole thing literally feels like it was made by a bunch of teenagers with a severe case of Attention Deficit Disorder and a camcorder. There is literally no plot to speak of, and it's the cinematic equivalent of watching somebody play a dreadful "Mortal Kombat" rip off, only somehow worse.
Look, just because you and your friends own a camcorder and love horror does not mean you should be making horror movies yourselves. Oh, and Unearthed films: this did not need to be released on DVD stateside, ok?
Rating: -/10 Instead of explaining it, I'll let this video do the talking for me
A mini-MLB draft is in the works. Instead of the whole of MLB history for this one, we are going to focus solely on the New York Yankees. Why the Yankees, a team I despise? They simply have the talent necessary to sustain this kind of idea. I'd run Phillies, but who is going to get excited over Fred Luderus?
We have five entrants. Myself, Canadian Chris, Smues, Brooklyn Zoo and 161st and River. One more person can join in if they are interested.
Here are the basics.
1. 21 man rosters (eight position players and a DH, three reserves, five starters, three relievers, and a manager)
2. You draft a player's career ONLY as a Yankee. If you draft Randy Johnson, you're getting 34 career victories.
3. A player may only be chosen either as a manager or player. A player may not be chosen twice for each role. Two exceptions, Hal Chase and Clark Griffith may be player-managers.
4. All home parks are assumed to be Yankee Stadium.
Results
Round One
CC: Babe Ruth
Al: Mickey Mantle
Bored: Lou Gehrig
BZ: Joe Dimaggio
Smues: Alex Rodriguez
161st: Bernie Williams
Round Two
161st: Whitey Ford
Smues: Yogi Berra
BZ: Mariano Rivera
Bored: Derek Jeter
Al: Charlie Keller
CC: Bill Dickey
Round Three
CC: Tony Lazzeri
Al: Lefty Gomez
Bored: Red Ruffing
BZ: Don Mattingly
Smues: Spud Chandler
161st:Ron Guidry
Round Four
161st: Jorge Posada
Smues: Jason Giambi
BZ: Thurman Munson
Bored: Reggie Jackson
Al: Joe Gordon
CC: Andy Pettitte
Round Five
CC: Goose Gossage
Al: Allie Reynolds
Bored: Rickey Henderson
BZ: Dave Winfield
Smues: Roger Clemens
161st: Roger Maris
Round Six
161st: Orlando "El Duque" Hernandez
Smues: Mike Mussina
BZ: Earle Combs
Bored: Ed Lopat
Al: Phil Rizzuto
CC: Paul O'Neill
Round Seven
CC: Bobby Murcer
Al: Elston Howard
Bored: Graig Nettles
BZ: Tommy Henrich
Smues: Casey Stengel (manager)
161st: Dave Righetti
Round Eight
161st: Willie Randolph
Smues: Sparky Lyle
BZ: Wade Boggs
Bored: John Wetteland
Al: Herb Pennock
CC: Bob Shawkey
Round Nine
CC: Jimmy Key
Al: Bill Skowron
Bored: Hideki Matsui
BZ: Joe McCarthy (manager)
Smues: Mel Stottlemyre
161st: Waite Hoyt
Round Ten
161st: Joe Torre (manager)
Smues: Tino Martinez
BZ: Catfish Hunter
Bored: Tommy John
Al: Gil McDougald
CC: David Cone
Round Eleven
CC: Home Run Baker
Al: Roy White
Bored: Alfonso Soriano
BZ: Vic Raschi
Smues: Robinson Cano
161st: Lou Piniella
Round Twelve
161st: Hank Bauer
Smues: Frankie Crosetti
BZ: Tony Kubek
Bored: David Wells
Al: Carl Mays
CC: Chien-Ming Wang
Round Thirteen
CC: Mike Stanton
Al: Johnny Murphy
Bored: Gary Sheffield
BZ: Bobby Richardson
Smues: David Justice
161st: Clete Boyer
Round Fourteen
161st: Jeff Nelson
Smues: Gene Woodling
BZ: George Selkirk
Bored: Steve Howe
Al: Miller Huggins (manager)
CC: Don Baylor
Round Fifteen
CC: Kid Elberfeld
Al: Bob Meusel
Bored: Billy Martin (manager)
BZ: Al Downing
Smues: Ben Chapman
161st: Wally Pipp
Round Sixteen
161st: Jack Chesbro
Smues: Mickey Rivers
BZ: Bob Turley
Bored: Butch Wynegar
Al: Steve Hamilton
CC: Nick Etten
Round Seventeen
CC: Jerry Mumphrey
Al: Urban Shocker
Bored: Ron Davis
BZ: Fritz Peterson
Smues: Hal Chase
161st: Bob Wickman
Round Eighteen
161st: Roberto Kelly
Smues: Clark Griffith
BZ: Joe Page
Bored: Ralph Terry
Al: Ryne Duren
CC: Lindy McDaniel
Round Nineteen
CC: Johnny Blanchard
Al: Mike Stanley
Bored:Roy Smalley
BZ: Red Rolfe
Smues: Joba Chamberlain
161st: Ron Blomberg
Round Twenty
161st: Tom Tresh (or Shane Spencer)
Smues: Wally Schang
BZ: Joe Girardi
Bored: Ron Hassey
Al: Snuffy Stirnweiss
CC: Randy Velarde
Round Twenty-One
CC: Ralph Houk (manager)
Al: Birdie Cree
Bored: Tim Raines
BZ: Ramiro Mendoza
Smues: Tom Gordon
161st: Rick Cerone
Round Twenty-Two (Relief Pitchers)
161st: Shane Spencer
Smues: Lee Guetterman
BZ: Dick Tidrow
Bored: Hal Reniff
Al: Steve Farr
CC: Jack Aker
