In a couple of weeks we have the chance to witness something none of us have seen before (I assume we have no one in their 60's on this board) and that is see the Cardinals as champions of the NFL. This got me to wonder about how many franchises in the four major North American professional sports leagues have never won their league's championship in my lifetime. I also wanted to know who would replace the Cardinals as the most moribund franchise in the NFL (I know you will all be shocked!) and who in the NBA and NHL have the longest run since their last championship.
In total there are 47 teams who have failed to win a single "world" championship in the last 30 years, of course that does not include expansion franchises who have come into existence since. Note I do count championships won in the AFL, ABA, and WHA for those franchises who were grandfathered in to their current leagues. The Pittsburgh Pirates and Phoenix Coyotes (won the last ever Avco Cup in the WHA as the Winnipeg Jets in 1979) are set to join this list after this year. The Seattle Supersonics would have also joined the list if they hadn't had their franchise stolen away.
1. Chicago Cubs - 100 years
1908 World Series Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Have not played in a World Series since 1945 which is a longer drought for playing for a championship than any other franchise has gone without winning a championship (current streak).
2. Arizona Cardinals (Chicago/St. Louis) - 61 years
1947 NFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Before this year had won one playoff game since last championship.
3. Cleveland Indians - 60 years
1948 World Series Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Had a 41 year World Series drought between 1954 and 1995.
4. Sacramento Kings (Rochester Royals/Cincinnati Royals/Kansas City) - 57 years
1951 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Haven't played in a NBA Finals since '51 championship.
5. San Francisco Giants (New York) - 54 years
1954 World Series Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Haven't won a championship since moving to San Francisco in 1958 and hopefully never will.
6. Detroit Lions - 51 years
1957 NFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: One playoff win since last championship.
7. Atlanta Hawks (St. Louis) - 50 years
1958 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Last conference/division finals appearance was in 1970.
8. Philadelphia Eagles - 48 years
1960 NFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Have now lost four conference championship games this decade.
9t. Chicago Blackhawks - 47 years
1961 Stanley Cup Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Only one playoff appearance in last 11 years, although that will change this year.
9t. Minnesota Vikings - 47 years
Misery Fun Fact: 0-4 in Super Bowls and 0-4 in conference championship games since their last Super Bowl in 1976.
9t. Tennessee Titans (Houston Oilers) - 47 Years
1961 AFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 1-4 in conference championship games.
9t. Texas Rangers (Washington Senators) - 47 years
Misery Fun Fact: Oldest franchise in the Big Four leagues to never reach the championship round of it's sport. Zero playoff series wins.
13. Houston Astros - 46 years
Misery Fun Fact: Took 43 years win their only NL pennant.
14. San Diego Chargers - 45 years
1963 AFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 1-5 in AFL/AFC Championship games since '63.
15. Cleveland Browns - 44 years
1964 NFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 0-6 in NFL/AFC Championship games since '64.
16. Buffalo Bills - 43 years
1965 AFL Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Only franchise in the Big Four to lose in the championship round of it's sport in four consecutive years.
17. Atlanta Falcons - 42 years
Misery Fun Fact: Advanced past divisional round of playoffs only twice.
18t. New Orleans Saints - 41 years
Misery Fun Fact: Did not win a playoff game in their first 33 years of existence.
18t. Toronto Maple Leafs - 41 years
1967 Stanley Cup Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Haven't played in a Cup Final since '67 championship.
20t. Cincinnati Bengals - 40 years
Misery Fun Fact: One playoff appearance in last 18 years.
20t. Denver Nuggets - 40 years
Misery Fun Fact: Have yet to reach the NBA Finals since merger in '76-'77.
20t. Los Angeles Kings - 40 years
Misery Fun Fact: Reached Cup Finals only once.
20t. New York Jets - 40 years
Misery Fun Fact: If Brett Favre couldn't bring them a Super Bowl, who can????
20t. St. Louis Blues - 40 years
Misery Fun Fact: Last Cup Finals appearance was in 1970.
25t. Kansas City Chiefs - 39 years
Super Bowl IV Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Have only reached conference championship game once since Super Bowl IV win.
25t. Milwaukee Brewers (Seattle Pilots) - 39 years
Misery Fun Fact: Won only two division championships.
25t. Phoenix Suns - 39 years
Misery Fun Fact: Despite a .559 all-time winning pct., only reached NBA Finals twice.
25t. San Diego Padres - 39 years
Misery Fun Fact: 1-8 in World Series games.
25t. Washington Nationals (Montreal Expos) - 39 years
Misery Fun Fact: Only playoff appearance was in the bizarre '81 split season.
30t. Buffalo Sabers - 37 years
Misery Fun Fact: Only two Stanley Cup Finals appearances.
30t. Cleveland Cavaliers - 37 years
Misery Fun Fact: 35 year wait for their only NBA Finals appearance.
30t. Los Angeles Clippers (Buffalo Braves/San Diego) - 37 years
Misery Fun Fact: .364 all-time winning percentage and never reached a conference final.
30t. Milwaukee Bucks - 37 years
1971 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Advanced past first around of playoffs only once in last 19 years.
30t. Vancouver Canucks - 37 years
Misery Fun Fact: Their two Stanley Cup Finals appearances are the only two years they've reached the conference finals.
35. Boston Bruins - 36 years
1972 Stanley Cup Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Only one playoff series win since 1995.
36t. Indiana Pacers - 35 years
1973 ABA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 1-5 in Eastern Conference finals series.
36t. Miami Dolphins - 35 years
Super Bowl VIII Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Best all-time winning pct. of any active NFL franchise (.583) but haven't played in a Super Bowl in 24 years.
36t. New York Knicks - 35 years
1973 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Seven straight losing seasons.
39t. Golden State Warriors - 33 years
1975 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Haven't reached conference finals in 32 years.
39t. Philadelphia Flyers - 33 years
1975 Stanley Cup Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 0-5 in Stanley Finals series since '75 championship.
39t. Utah Jazz (New Orleans) - 33 years
Misery Fun Fact: Only one losing in last 25 years but only two NBA Finals appearances to show for it.
39t. Washington Capitals - 33 years
Misery Fun Fact: Reached conference finals only once.
43t. New Jersey Nets (New York) - 32 years
1976 ABA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: Only advanced past first round of playoffs six times since NBA merger.
43t. Seattle Seahawks - 32 years
Misery Fun Fact: Just two conference championship game appearances.
45t. Portland Trail Blazers - 31 years
1977 NBA Champions
Misery Fun Fact: 8-17 in first round playoff series since '77 championship.
45t. Seattle Mariners - 31 years
Misery Fun Fact: 14 straight losing seasons at their inception and played in the ALCS only twice.
47. Washington Wizards (Bullets) - 30 years
1978 NBA Champions
Miser Fun Fact: Advanced past first round of playoffs only three time since '78 championship.
Remember a while back you asked which ESPN nimrod I was talking about regarding this past entry?
Saw him again this morning and got the name: Michael Hill.
Remember that you're playing against the team that didn't want your services at the helm. For God's sake please beat the Steelers, if only because if the black and gold win I'll have to deal with local stories like, "OMG DAN ROONEY IS GOING TO MEET PRESIDENT HUSSEIN IN THE WHITE HOUSE" once the winning Super Bowl team heads to D.C. Yeah, ol' Dan sure loves Osama -- that's why he was trying to sell the Steelers before President Hussein could jack up the capital gains tax. That old bastard should have to pay out the difference anyway; do as I say not as I do indeed.
8:45 p.m.
• So I don't know what's funnier. Hearing the better half yell "fatass" whenever the Arizona Cardinals did something good in today's game against the Philadelphia Eagles ("fatass" is her pet name for our Philly-based governor; she hates everything from the City of Brotherly Love now), or hearing her shout obscenities whenever there’s yet another ad/reference to President Hussein and his big day.
• I'm glad the Steelers didn't score any points at the end of the first half. That "roughing the punter" call was utter bullshit.
"My Bloody Valentine 3D" is a blast. To really enjoy it, you need to see it in 3D (well, yeah), and with a packed theatre. Highlights
3D Gore-seeing eyeballs and jaws fly at you is great.
3D Nudity. If you haven't seen that, then you have not lived.
Tom Atkins! It's great to see him on the big screen
One of the actors from the original is in this
3D trailers
It's totally cliched, and you don't care
3D pug
The only lowlight is the reveal in the killer. Other than that, it's really fun, and one of the better remakes in recent memory. Check it out if you can.
Oh yeah, the "Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack" marathon was on Cartoon Network today. I don't care if it's a kids show, this show is awesome, and absolutley hilarious.
While I'm still trying to figure out what to do next with this blog, King Kamala's post about the A's 20th straight win in 2002 in offseason thread reminded me that I recently tripped upon some old A's highlights. This past season was the A's 40th year in Oakland and they had some Top 40 Moments poll, which I didn't even realize until after the season, but I guess on MLB.com at one point they posted a ton of old A's clips. I think they've been taken down off the A's site since then but by accident I found them with a url to the Cubs website of all places.
Almost all the clips from the 70's and 80's were old MLB home video footage but there were some cool 90's and 2000's clips in there with many of them having the radio call by the legendary Bill King. Here are the more choice ones that I found, or were at least the ones that were still working. I was disappointed that the clip to Ramon Hernandez's game winning bunt single in Game 1 of the '03 ALDS was not working.
October 18, 1988 vs. Los Angeles - Mark McGwire's forgotten walk off in Game 3 of the '88 World Series
June 29, 1990 at Toronto - Final out of Dave Stewart's no hitter
August 15, 1990 vs. Boston - Mark McGwire walk off grand slam
October 1, 2000 vs. Texas - Final out of division clinching win
-Was at this game and it was my birthday too.
August 12, 2001 vs. New York - Jason Giambi walk off to sweep the Yankees
September 1, 2002 vs. Minnesota - Miguel Tejada walk off for 18th straight win
September 4, 2002 vs. Kansas City - Scott Hatteberg walk off for record 20th straight win
-Covered this game in a prior entry.
So you retired from coaching to focus on ministry stuff. Best of luck to you, bro. I have always been a huge fan of yours. How much of a fan am I? If Tony was ever to find KK's Korner and read some most all of the stuff I post here, I might actually feel ashamed of myself. ... I said "might."
For as much as a Dungy fan I am, I will say this: He should have been fired from Tampa Bay. I remember when the Bucs got rid of him all the ESPN talking heads, among others in the sports reporting biz, were shouting OMG RACSIM BLAHBLAHBLAH~! Fuck that. It was the right move. Did Tony turn a joke of a franchise into a contender? Yes. Was he able to get this team over that hump to advance in the playoffs? No. Bringing in the asshole-ish Gruden got the Bucs a Super Bowl win in his first year. Of course, that's all he's done, but would you rather have one Super Bowl win or none? And when Dungy was fired, I said to those who would listen (all three of them, and they had no choice because we were all at the same bus stop) that he'd get hired again and all would be right with the world. Turns out I was correct. And now both Dungy and Gruden are unemployed.
Now before you think I just point out my correct predictions, I'll provide equal time for something I was way off base on this past NFL season: I thought Matt Ryan was a poor draft selection for the Falcons. Happy now?
10 p.m.
• So I was flipping through channels today and noticed that CNN is having nine hours of coverage on the "Osama Express;" his choo-choo ride from wherever to D.C. And then I saw some promo for cBS television on "Yes We Can Monday" that featured the cast of "Two-and-a-Half Men" getting that Soviet-style red/blue portrait President Hussein's followers plastered all over the country. Just for shits and giggles, I wonder if I can find this anywhere. Well that only took one Google search, and half a cyber-kettle of tea brewed.
Good Christ. I think I'm going to be playing DVDs and video games Monday.
On a side note, at what age does that kid have to be in order for the show to no longer be called "Two-and-a-Half Men"?
• And here I thought shooting for "Notorious" wrapped up months ago.
I'll tell you guys what -- you're sure on the ball. During last week's Steelers/Chargers game, the signal was lost with my Comcast Digital cable service. After a few minutes the signal didn't return. "Eh," I thought, and went upstairs to the television set which has Comcast cable but not Digital cable. So this morning I'm listening to RIGHT-WING RADIO and there's a Direct TV ad that is goofing on Comcast for not being able to broadcast the third quarter of Sunday's game. Great effort, guys. Seriously. I can't imagine the thousands of calls the poor Comcast people received when the game was off the air. I'm positive there were a few service cancellations as a result of this.
8:30 p.m.
• So today the boss was out as was two other full-timers. The new chick who was hired a few weeks ago was going over something with me and made a remark that we were having a three-day weekend. The following conversation took place.
"Huh?"
"We have Monday off."
"No we don't."
"Yes we do. It's in the employee manual."
"No it's not."
"Yes it is." *Shows me her manual that she received upon being hired that says we get MLK day off.*
"The hell?" *Shows her my manual that I received upon being hired that says we don't get MLK day off.*
"Weird."
Ah, office communication. And you want to know the sad thing? I was looking forward to working Monday because the contractor I deal with will be closed, thus giving me a free "catch up" day. But it's all good. It now gives me a chance to get the best view in the house at President Hussein's inauguration.
Brrrr.
Weird. My nipples are hard and I'm really not all that cold.
9:45 p.m.
• Uhhhhhh...
Did I previously post...
What I meant to post was...
Because our new president is going to sink the battleship of economic ruin and emerge from the oceanic depths with welfare stimulus checks for us all. Up periscope, President Hussein!
That ought to cover me for a while. Like maybe four or five seconds...
...I know, I'll just post some of my favorite Offspring songs.
Aw, fuck.
...unless it portrays Tupac as a masked villain with plans of world domination.
Ok, so it's inaccurate in every way imaginable, but it would still be awesome.
So with all the issues facing Shittsburgh...
* The RECESSION~!
* The fact that the city had no money before said RECESSION~!
* Toledo having more residents, thus showing how all those with a shred of common sense have left this shit hole. Oh, and Mud hens > Pirates. No, seriously. The Hens would beat the Bucs. In a best of seven.
* An increasing homicide rate, which may not be a bad thing because at least the welfare rolls are getting thinned out.
What is the number one topic on the news this week?
...
In other news, Pizza Hut is now going to be known as Pasta Hut.
OMGAPRILFOOLZROTFLMAOTERRIBLETOWEL2009~!
For those of you who wonder why the location in my user profiles reads "Just outside the county line that encompasses Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania," now you know. Truth be told, I really don't care. Cities do this dumb shit all the time. What is more pathetic than the "name change" is the local media coverage this received. Good Christ, this was in the LEAD STORY segment of the local news that Mrs. kkk was watching earlier this week.
Upon further review, I never really noticed the "Ravens" in the boy mayor's last name. I am now genuinely surprised that he was able to win the Democrat primary with that last name. Then again, the primary season doesn't take place during football season. The November general election is just a gimmie to Democrats anyway, so the real action takes place during the primaries.
And these are just some of the reasons why I love Westmoreland County.
OVW TV Report for January 10, 2009
- Show open...
- Dean Hill, Kenny Bolin and the recently released from WWE Developmental Timmy Baltimore are your hosts.
- Tonight... A battle royal to determine who faces JBL on January 27th.
- Battle Royal
This is under Royal Rumble rules with a new participant coming every minute. Vaughan Lilas and Dirty Money are numbers 1 and 2, respectively. Money stalls to begin, but Lilas catches him stalling with some nasty chops. Lilas tries to dump Money, but Money gets a thumb in the eye. Number 3 is Ruff Ryder Rashaad. Ruff Ryder comes in and takes out Money. Money tries to toss Ruff Ryder, but Lilas comes over to break it up. Rashaad and Money team up to work over Lilas. Number 4 is Ali Akbar from The Insurgency. Ali has lost the Insurgency gear for more traditional tights for the new year. Lilas and Ali pair off while Money works over Rashaad. Number 5 is Al B. Show, whoever the fuck that is. Lilas wastes no time chopping the shit out of him.
- Commercial Break
- Ali and Money try to eliminate Rashaad to no avail. Number 6 is Raul Loco. Triple team on Rashaad still can't get him over the top. Number 7 is Mike Mondo (the former Mikey from the Spirit Squad) and he comes in and immediately tosses Al B. Show. Ruff Ryder Rashaad tries to take out Mondo, but he gets tossed, too. Mondo almost tossed Raul Loco, but he saved himself by holding onto the ropes. Money and Ali are quick to shut down Mondo with a double team. Number 8 is 1/2 of the Southern Tag Team Champions... The Kamikaze Kid. Kamikaze Kid tries to throw out Money to no avail. Raul almost gets Mondo out, but he rolls in under the bottom rope. Ali and Raul can't get Kamikaze Kid out. Number 9 is Brent Wellington from Theta Lambda Psi. Wellington goes after Kamikaze Kid, but Kid is too quick for him. Lilas chops the skin off of Mondo's chest. Goodness those are nasty chops. Number 10 is DCW wrestler Fang. Fang almost gets tossed by Wellington, but catches himself on the top rope. Fang is barely as tall as the top rope. Mondo tries to send Raul out, but he is able to hang on.
- Commercial Break
Number 11 is Dre Blitz. Wellington almost has Fang out, but he fights out. Mondo almost gets tossed, but he hangs on. Number 12 is Tony Mann and he is immediately tossed by Vaughan Lilas. Raul almost gets Mondo out, but Mondo lands on the apron to save himself. The Kamikaze Kid is hanging on to the top rope, so Mondo comes over and starts biting his fingers. Number 13 is Sucio and he saves his partner from elimination on his was in. Kamikaze Kid recovers quickly and tosses Dre Blitz. Mondo is in a precarious position, but puts a fist in the face of Raul. Wellington hangs on after almost being eliminated by Fang. Number 14 is Eclipse. Totally Awesome and Fang try to eliminate Wellington, but Ali puts a stop to that. Number 15 is Turcan Celik. Celik comes in and just hammers Fang. Celik takes a head of steam and throws Fang over the top. Number 16 is Hog Wild.
- Commercial Break
We come back and Turcan Celik sends Eclipse out. Mike Mondo and Sucio are battling on the apron. Number 17 is Moose from Theta Lambda Psi. Mooose makes an immediate impact by tossing Hog Wild. Totally Awesome almost get Mondo out, but he slides back in before hitting the floor. Number 18 is Supergloves Dos. Totally Awesome try a double team spot on Dirty Money that fails miserably. Not in the 'fails' sense that it didn't work. In the 'fails' sense that they completely blew the spot. Geez that was badly blown. Number 19 is Scott Cardinal. Cardinal comes in and beats on Sucio. Scott Cardinal tosses Sucio and The Kamikaze Kid, but also accidentally eliminates his tag team partner Dirty Money. Cardinal looks at his eliminated partner and says "Sorry. It's every man for himself." Number 20 is Los Rojos #1 (I'm assuming it is number 1. It's like telling The Conquistadors apart.). Rojos is looking doughier than usual. Even Hill and Bolin are commenting on how fat Rojos is. Lilas stops Rojo's dancing by chopping him and tossing him. Mike Mondo almost sends Turcan Celik over the top. Number 21 is Jamin Olivencia. Olivencia makes the mistake of going after Mondo and Mondo almost tosses him. Olivencia tries to suplex Mondo out of the ring, but Mondo blocks it.
- Commercial Break
Number 22 is the OVW Heavyweight Champion Aaron "The Idol" Stevens. Idol comes in and goes after Raul Locos. Tucan Celik has Mondo over the top, but Mondo quickly catches Celik with a headscissors on his way out eliminating both of them. Idol Stevens sends Ali Akbar out. Mondo and Turcan are still fighting on the outside. Ali pulls Idol under the bottom rope and they start brawling on the outside. The officials, busy trying to break up Mondo and Turcan, didn't see Idol get pulled under the rope and they send him back to the locker room. Number 23 is Rudy Switchblade. Switchblade comes in and goes after Olivencia. Number 24 is Adam Revolver from The Mobile Homers and he goes after both members of Theta Lambda Psi. Revolver tries to send out Wellington, but he can't get him over. Number 25 is Johnny Punch and he immediately goes after Raul Locos. Locos almost goes over, but he catches himself on the apron. Punch charges at him, but Raul flips him over the top onto the floor. Moose comes over and takes out both Raul Locos and Rudy Switchblade. Big splash in the corner by Olivencia on Revolver.
- Commercial Break
Number 26 is Ted "The Trailer" McNaler from The Mobile Homers. Wellington and Moose think they've eliminate both Mobile Homers, but they catch themselves. Number 27 is Nine Fingers Dewey from The Mobile Homers. McNaler andRevolver are still on the apron and they try to suplex Wellington out. Moose makes the save and slams Revolver and McNaler's heads together to cause their elimination. Dewey tries to get revenge, but Wellington and Moose send him out. Vaughan Lilas is still in there and close to becoming the 60 minute man. Number 28 is Sergio. Olivencia hides out on the outside by hanging on the ring post. Lilas chops the shit out of Sergio before Moose attacks him. Number 29 and the last man in is Igotta Brewski. He comes in headbutting everyone and eliminates Brent Wellington. Brewski clotheslines Sergio over the top. Moose and Brewski square off. Brewski puts Moose over his shoulder and almost gets him over, but here comes Jamin Olivencia and Scott Cardinal and they eliminate both of them!
The Final Four: Scott Cardinal, Supergloves Dos, Jamin Olivencia and Vaughan Lilas.
Cardinal and Olivencia team up on Lilas. Kenny Bolin mistakenly gives away the ending by saying "You've got Vaughan Lilas in there against JBL... I mean, uh, Vaughan Lilas against Olivencia and Cardinal." Nice work, OVW. You couldn't cover that up in post production? Cardinal Irish whips Supergloves and Olivencia back body drops him to the outside. A double team fails and Lilas takes advantage, chopping and headbutting Olivencia and Cardinal. Cardinal and Olivencia take back over and set up Lilas for the elimination. They try to eliminate Lilas the same way they eliminated Supergloves, but Lilas reverses the Irish whip and Olivencia back drops Cardinal over the top. Olivencia relizes what he has done and turns around to see Vaughan Lilas. Olivencia's over the top facial expressions are outstanding, by the way. Olivencia begs Lilas for mercy, but then decides chopping Lilas is a better option. Bad idea. Lilas lights up Olivencia's chest like a Christmas tree with some stinging chops. Lilas tosses Olivencia over the top rope to win the battle royal and earns the right to face John "Bradshaw" Layfield on January 27th at the Davis Arena.
- A pretty good battle royal ruined by Kenny Bolin giving away the winner in the final few minutes. You seriously couldn't edit that out? The winner could have been any three of the final four and Bolin gives away the ending. Also, they couldn't have got an even 30 participants? TV Champ Outlaw, Pat Buck, APOC, Lumpy Magoo and Debo were all missing. Still though, a good battle royal ruined by the commentary at the end.
Order of Elimination
1. Al B. Show
2. Ruff Ryder Rashaad
3. Tony Mann
4. Dre Blitz
5. Fang
6. Eclipse
7. Hog Wild
8. Dirty Money
9. The Kamikaze Kid
10. Sucio
11. Los Rojos #1
12. Mike Mondo
13. Turcan Celik
14. Ali Akbar
15. Idol Stevens
16. Johnny Punch
17. Raul Locos
18. Rudy Switchblade
20. Ted McNaler
21. Adam Revolver
22. Nine Fingers Dewey
23. Brent Wellington
24. Sergio
25. Moose
26. Igotta Brewski
27. Supergloves Dos
28. Scott Cardinal
29. Jamin Olivencia
Well, the economy is has seen better days, and employees are being fired and fucked in the ass (metaphorically speaking) on a regular basis. WWE is no different, so you know what that means-Talent Cuts!
D'Lo Brown-Poor guy was never given a chance. He returns, only for nobody to recognize him. He goes nowhere, and hets fired. Why was he rehired again?
Bam Neely-He was on ECW. I never had time to watch the show, so I'm sorry, I don't know how to react.
Val Venis-First of all, whoever started the "Not Val Venis!" joke is an idiot. That joke was never funny. Second of all, I guess after all those years of not picking up the phone, he finally did it. I'm amazed he was employed as long as he was too. He'll porobably go to the Japanese promotions now (it would probably be a good idea), or try to get Ron Paul in the White house by 2012.
Tim White-Well, he finally has a reason to commit suicide in real life.
Kevin Thorn-Who? Oh yeah, the dude who played Mordeci.
Gavin Spears
Mike Kruel
I am holding my own worst poster tournament. Read that description again. Worst. Poster. This is the poster I hate the most. Each will be judged on … well, whatever I say they will be judged on. That’s right, far too long I have held back letting the TSM community know what posters have irked me for years and have become the bane of my existence. Now it’s time to name names and nobody is safe. The eight seeds are listed below in their quarter-final match-ups.
Round Uno
Christian Okoye
I remember this growing up and I HATED looking at it every time I thumbed through a group of posters at a store. I had nothing against the Nigerian Nightmare, even though I called him a different nickname because I thought ethnic/name-changing insults were oh so clever. Good thing I’m through with that phase. I will give this poster credit for one thing: I like how the terrified players in the background have uniforms from Okoye’s divisional opponents.
Vs.
Alfalfa's He Man Woman Haters Club
I couldn’t find the actual poster that was in my room (it shows Alfalfa flexing his pseudo-muscles with the name of his club at the bottom of the page), but why I hate this poster is because it burned me – big time. You see, when I was a kid, I had a shitload of posters/pictures pinned up in my room. When I got this edition to add to my collection, there was no room to pin it up anywhere. As a kid who wasn’t yet hip to the whole sexual education thing, I pinned this image of Alfalfa on the only place in my room that still had available real estate.
Right above my bed.
Ah, childhood innocence. How was I to know other people could see this as somewhat queer? I sleep on my side, so it’s not like I would wake up looking into Alfie’s eyes. And I wasn’t even masturbating yet, so I wasn’t pulling a "Randy Marsh in the hot tub" at a Meteor Shower parties.
This poster was up for some time before a friend of mine asked why I had a picture of Alfalfa hanging above my bed. I responded because that was the only place for it in my room. He asked the same question again, and that was when something clicked in my head. After he left I quickly took this image down, never to be seen again. Strangely enough, my friend never told anyone about this and I wasn’t the object of ridicule among my youth compatriots (well, at least I was not the object of ridicule for this particular subject). I guess Jason didn’t find anything homo-erotic with it, either; he just found it … strange.
Winner: Okoye. Alfalfa was innocent of any wrongdoing; just guilty of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Jerry Rice
I was never a fan of the San Francisco 49ers growing up. After all, I was in STEELER COUNTRY, and those queermos from the Bay were going to equal my black and gold in Super Bowl wins with FOUR~! After they clobbered Denver, my old man was PISSED. Why? Because he’s out of his mind. Anyway, after that blowout, the 49ers were zeroed in on another Super Bowl title in the early 1990s, and this poster of Jerry Rice was pretty much used as the object of my scorn. It’s hard to see the type at the top of this poster, but it says something like “Rice be nimble. Rice be quick.” The image is of him jumping over Candlestick Park. Get it? LOLOLOL. Now that I think about this, even though I hated this poster, I never had a problem with the Joe Montana Football video game franchise, which was also out at around this time. It wasn’t my favorite video game, but I played it from time to time. I wonder why, considering I hated Montana more than Rice. Nah, the “Joe’s white” excuse doesn’t feel right here. I think it was because at least in the video game you could defeat San Francisco – they had a team in the game, right?
Oh, and you may now be thinking, “kkk, but the 49ers won a fifth Super Bowl. How did the Steeler nation react to that?” Surprisingly, the Shittsburgh region took it better than I thought. Then again, everyone was still in shock about the Steelers losing to the Chargers in the Conference Championship. While many here won’t admit it, losing to the Chargers was the better option than getting blown out by the 49ers that year in the Super Bowl. And, yes, they would have lost.
Vs.
Whatever You Want To Call This
Why the hell did I put this on the list -- it's a great photo. Even though it’s not really a poster, I still had it pinned to my wall. I won this prize at some fair, and it was in a plastic 8x11 frame. I posted this in my room because of the naughty word. I guess it was to show my mom I wasn’t taking any more of her fascist rules like “study” and “get good grades.”
Winner: Rice be nimble. Rice be quick. Rice is going to the second round.
Fatheads (as a whole)
Do I have a fat head? Well, I have no problem fitting it through my shirts. Get it? “Fat head”? LOLOLOL. I don’t own these things, and I have no problem with people who do. (Well, I might have a problem with someone that has one, but it's not because they own a Fathead.) I guess what I don’t like about these things is that you don’t pin/tape them to a wall. In my day we used tape and tacks that ruined our room’s walls, thus deducting from our parent’s security deposit if the residence was a rental property. And if you lived in a house your parents were paying a mortgage on, those holes you making marked your territory, in a passive aggressive sort of way. Damn you technology.
Vs.
Pennants (as a whole)
Once again, I have nothing against pennants. In fact, I used to own a buttload of these things. That’s why pennants make the list. I used to own a buttload of these things. I have commented on my old man a few times here, and he does have his fair share of faults. Who the hell am I kidding, he has more than his fair share. But one “father/son” activity we used to partake in was to go to Steeler games during the early 1980s. Actually, I don’t think we went to that many regular season-games; I pretty sure these were pre-season games. Why? Probably because they were cheaper. Nothing wrong with that – I was a kid and had no idea what was going on anyway. Most of the time I just wandered around Three Rivers Stadium picking up discarded tickets and other litter. Anyway, whenever we would go to these games (or my old man went with some friends to those fancy smancy regular-season games), I would always get a pennant. After a while I had quite the collection on my wall. I can’t quite remember what I had – I know there were several Steeler ones, an old Bengals helmet, the Browns, the Houston Oilers, the N.Y. Giants, the Atlanta Falcons, the Minnesota Vikings, the Detroit Lions and the Green Bay Packers. Hmm, dad had a thing for the NFC Central. Oh well, there were probably about a dozen or so more in addition to those I named. And what happened to these pennants? When my folks got a divorce in the mid-1980s, the house that my old man worked on for almost 10 years was sold and my old lady threw away this cherished pennant collection. Nice going, bitch. Just because they remind you of the psycho you married doesn’t mean they had the same anti-sentimental value for me. Then again, I don’t really remember putting up that much of a fight back then for these pennants. I was probably still in shell-shock with the fact that my parents were splitting up and wondering if it had anything to do with me…
“kkk, your time on the couch is done for the day. Come back next week, and bring your $150. And NO CHECKS!”
Winner: Pennants. Fatheads were never in my old house’s trash can.
Team Photos (as a whole)
For some reason I was never a fan of these generic “team” photos. I mean, all the athletes are just sitting there, and their images are so tiny. Why did I have a few of these pinned up? No clue. I think I pinned a few up one afternoon and forgot they were there until moving day years later.
Vs.
Chicago Bulls Team Poster
Remember what I said about the San Francisco 49ers? Well, the Chicago Bulls were even worse. I didn’t start following basketball until the late 1980s/early 1990s, and because Shittsburgh did not have a NBA team I had to pick a team from another city to throw my support behind. Several of my friends were already NBA fans, and they were glad to see I finally caught onto the sensation that was the Association. They told me to watch a few games and let them know what teams I liked. Keep in mind this was when Air Jordans were the thing and Bulls Merchandise was right up there with the Los Angeles Raiders gear.
I was watching the early rounds of the NBA playoffs, and the Phoenix Suns with Kevin Johnson got my attention quick. I was about to pledge my eternal loyalty to Phoenix when another team caught my eye: the Detroit Pistons. The next day I was in fourth-period Home Economics. (No jokes -- we were REQUIRED to take a semester of this and a semester of Metal Shop.) I told my basketball-loving peers of my recent observations. I started out talking about the Suns. My one friend’s eyes lit up. He was a huge Suns fan because he grew up in Phoenix and attended a few summer camps featuring Suns players (little did I know it was around the time of that big drug scandal in the '80s; oh the Larry Nance after-party jokes I could have thrown at him).
I then told the group about my next team. The following conversation took place. You can figure out who is who.
“Yeah, I liked Phoenix, but there was another team I saw which I liked better.”
“Who?”
“They wore blue … I think they were the…”
“Oh no.”
“Detroit Pistons?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you? They’re a bunch of assholes!”
“I liked the way they played defense.”
“You’re fucking kidding me! The PISTONS?”
“There was this big white guy who I liked.”
“Oh God… Laimbeer?”
“I don’t know. He had black hair.”
“Bill Laimbeer is a fucking asshole. What the fuck is wrong with you?”
Now we all have had experience with peer pressure. And while the herd can oftentimes break a person’s will of self-expression, there are times when you just want to stand out from the crowd by being an asshole. This was one of the (many) times for me. So my friends are Bulls fans? Fuck that – go Pistons. The pinnacle of my Pistons scorn came a few years later when I got a Bill Laimbeer jersey, and the first time I wore it was to my friend’s house (the one from Phoenix) when he had a long-distance friend who was supposedly some big-shit on his school’s basketball team. My other friend and I played them in several games and we handedly won each contest. I also had one of the best outdoor games of my life playing against this “super friend” from another school. I’m not sure if my game was actually any good, or if this “super friend” actually played on his school’s team, but either way the power of Bill was with me that day – and I didn’t even take any cheap shots.
…
Wait, what the hell was I talking about?
Oh, yeah. The Bulls. Fuck them. Look, I know Jordan’s good. Hell, he’s great. Oh “H” “e” “double hockey sticks,” he’s the best player of my generation and may be the best of all time. I get that. I just routed against him. But you know who I genuinely hated? Scottie Pippen. Wahhhh, I have a headache in Game 7 of the 1990 NBA Conference Finals. Wahhhh. If I don’t get the ball in the final 1.8 seconds of a playoff game I’m going to sit down. You're a whiny fuckhead and I personally hate you. Well, not anymore because I’m indifferent. But back then I sure did.
Winner: Bulls. I can’t even remember who they were up against, much like their other first-round NBA opponents from back in the day.
Round Dos:
Christian Okoye v. Jerry Rice.
Winner: Rice. By a leap.
Pennants v. Bulls.
Winner: Bulls. Not even close.
Round Tres:
Jerry Rice v. Chicago Bulls
Winner:
"It's like the Miss TSM Tournament, but I make all the rules and do all the voting!"
This time, more than 1,000 girls from all over the world were candidates. I thoroughly vetted hundreds of them in order to narrow it down to this field of 64.
RULES:
1. Girls only. The hottest girls. For the purposes of this tournament, only their looks matter.
2. Age limit of 17+ (Still disqualified: Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez.)
3. The girls shall be famous. 'Fame' is defined as having 5+ pictures turn up on Google Images. (Disqualified: Leelee, local girls.)
4. Voting shall be based on current actual physical form* (Disqualified: Dead porn stars.)
5. Voting between two girls shall be determined by which one I would rather creampie (with no real-life consequences). NO EMOTIONS. NO PERSONALITIES. Only pure lust.
6. Seeding is based on the approximate order of their level of fame. Upsets can and will happen.
7. Brackets shall be broken into four geographic regions: North (European descent), South (Latin America), West (North America), and East (Asia). Each bracket shall contain 16 girls who fit in that region.
* There's new emphasis on this rule this time. I call it the Autumn Reeser Rule, since she's one of many girls who is not nearly as attractive as her best modeling shoot would have you believe. I am judging the girls based on how they look when they go out in public—not how they look when they're retouched beyond the point of humanity in modeling pictures. I tried to use candid pictures, or at least ones that aren't completely over-the-top retouched. I'm not judging only by these pictures, anyway. It's best to watch videos of them.
ROUND 1 (64)
NORTH (Europe)
1. Scarlett Johansson (Denmark)
16. Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen (Netherlands) - Let's quickly establish the tone of this tournament. Scarlett isn't as good as those modeling pix indicate.
8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - Aly is just so cute. She looks like a younger Paulina Rubio. Gemma has huge tits but the model shots clean her up too much.
9. Gemma Atkinson (England)
5. Denise Milani (Czech Republic) - I wouldn't pass up on these tits. Dillan is pretty good for someone with no chest.
12. Dillan Lauren (Spain)
4. Keeley Hazell (England) - Fairly decisive here. She gets retouched like crazy, but her face is naturally pretty good as well. And she has other good body parts.
13. Alessia Ventura (Italia)
6. Lucy Pinder (England) - There's something odd about Audrey's face, actually. Lucy is all-around great.
11. Audrey Bitoni (Italia)
3. Mila Kunis (Ukraine)
14. Kayden Kross (Sweden) - Tough pick because neither is that great. I'll take the cute blonde.
7. Miranda Kerr (Wales)
10. Marina Orlova (Russia) - Hotforwords is hot. People think Miranda is cute as a button. It's about fuckin'.
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Ohhh man. Watch out for Kimmy K in this tournament. Amazing everything.
15. Amanda Harrington (England)
SOUTH (Latin America)
1. Mariah Carey (Venezuela)
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - Mariah is still looking good, but not enough to beat this slut.
8. Natália Guimarães (Brazil)
9. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico) - Somaya is unbelievable when she's retouched. Otherwise, she's still pretty good. I expected more from Miss Brazil.
5. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil) - This matchup was winnable, but the adorable Camila just doesn't quite offer enough to pull off the upset.
12. Camila Sodi (Mexico)
4. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - No contest. Adriana never looks bad.
13. Danielle Sobreira (Brazil)
6. Alexis Amore (Peru) - The face isn't perfect, but I'd take her over plain Perroni.
11. Maite Perroni (Mexico)
3. Jessica Alba (Mexico)
14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina) - Ms. Alba cleans up well and is ok naturally. Ms. Rodríguez is a little sexier overall.
7. Paula DeAnda (Mexico)
10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Putting Ms. DeAnda in impossible matchups is becoming a running gag. Rocío is fairly impressive.
2. Shakira (Colombia)
15. Mariana Felicio (Brazil) - Shawty Shakira isn't too great really. Mariana is a natural babe.
WEST (North America)
1. Paris Hilton (USA) - That's right, I'd like to cum inside Paris Hilton with no condom on! Jaime looks good in some pix but also is kind of a horse, I guess.
16. Jaime Hammer (USA)
8. Lanny Barby (Canada) - She's very sexy with her raven hair. Sienna is kind of a mess.
9. Sienna West (USA)
5. Katherine McPhee (USA) - Kat is very pretty. Ashlynn is a good model/porn star, but her face isn't naturally great.
12. Ashlynn Brooke (USA)
4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - How the hell did the degenerate wrestling industry employ Stacy for so long? Also, Tawny is one of those girls who looks different in every picture.
13. Tawny Roberts (USA)
6. Shyla Stylez (Canada) - Shyla is too alluring. Leelee would beat Teagan.
11. Teagan Presley (USA)
3. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - It's a shame that this matchup happened in round one. Yes, I really put my emotions aside and judged that Ashley is better looking. Amber's face is a little off. Obama is a mack daddy!
14. Amber Lee Ettinger (USA)
7. JoJo (Native American)
10. Raven Riley (Native American) - Native American battle! JoJo is a cute girl who deserves to be here. (What a dumbass for turning down the Hannah Montana role, though.) Raven might be the best porn star in the tournament. Gorgeous girl.
2. Elisha Cuthbert (Canada)
15. Sarah Vandella (USA) - We've all seen Elisha's fabulously pale modeling shots, in which she is phenomenal. But, in reality, she is a rather unremarkable girl. Ms. Vandella is a good-looking blonde.
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines) - This matchup was pretty close. Vanessa is really adorable though.
16. Dilshad Vadsaria (Pakistan)
8. Aylar Lie (Persia)
9. Ayesha Takia (India) - The East region is much improved this season. Nobody plays to win more than Indian girls do.
5. Kaylani Lei (Singapore)
12. Aarti Chhabria (India) - Aarti is not quite as good as this pic indicates, but if Kaylani is the best Singapore can do, then I don't plan to visit Singapore.
4. Brenda Song (Thailand) - Brenda is a classic Southeast Asian babe. Puja is undeserving of being Miss India.
13. Puja Gupta (India)
6. Ahyoomee (South Korea)
11. Ursula Mayes (South Korea) - Ahyoomee is cute with her crazy eyes. But I'd definitely rather fuck Ursula. Total hottie.
3. Sunny Leone (India) - Hwang is just a cute little model. Sunny demolishes her in sexiness.
14. Hwang Mi Hee (South Korea)
7. Ramiele Malubay (Philippines) - When she dolls up with hair and makeup, she is good enough to win this rather dull matchup.
10. Maria Ozawa (Japan)
2. Koda Kumi (Japan) - Koda at her best is among the best Japan has to offer. Antara is a little too thick for me.
15. Antara Biswas (India)
ROUND 2 (32)
NORTH (Europe)
16. Yolanthe Cabau van Kasbergen (Netherlands)
8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - I imagine fucking her and thinking it feels good.
5. Denise Milani (Czech Republic)
4. Keeley Hazell (England) - Titty wars. Keeley has a better face.
6. Lucy Pinder (England) - Superior face and body. Pretty easy choice.
14. Kayden Kross (Sweden)
10. Marina Orlova (Russia)
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia) - Ok, let's not get carried away by a few amazing Kim pictures. Still, Marina isn't going to beat her.
SOUTH (Latin America)
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - Argentina is a powerhouse. I don't like that Somaya's looks change in different pix.
9. Somaya Reece (Puerto Rico)
5. Alessandra Ambrosio (Brazil)
4. Adriana Lima (Brazil) - Adriana is far more gorgeous. It's not close.
6. Alexis Amore (Peru)
14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina) - I want to plow it pretty hard.
10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Mariana doesn't have any real speciality. I can't let her keep going.
15. Mariana Felicio (Brazil)
WEST (North America)
1. Paris Hilton (USA)
8. Lanny Barby (Canada) - One of the most difficult aspects of this tournament is determining how attractive Lanny truly is. I really considered Paris here.
5. Katherine McPhee (USA)
4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - Kat is quality, I just think I'd be happier fucking Stacy's super-tight pussy.
6. Shyla Stylez (Canada)
3. Ashley Tisdale (USA) - I can't deny Shyla's sex appeal. But, her face is a failure.
10. Raven Riley (Native American) - I like Sarah a lot. Raven is something special.
15. Sarah Vandella (USA)
EAST (Asia)
1. Vanessa Hudgens (Philippines)
9. Ayesha Takia (India) - None of the #1 seeds made it out of the round of 32. Ayesha is really pretty.
12. Aarti Chhabria (India) - I'm a bit underwhelmed by both of them, actually. Aarti gets me going more.
4. Brenda Song (Thailand)
11. Ursula Mayes (South Korea)
3. Sunny Leone (India) - On the contrary, this matchup is phenomenal. I hate to see either one go out. I'll tell you now that this matchup easily could have been the East region final. It's also an extraordinarily difficult decision. I just feel it more with Sunny.
7. Ramiele Malubay (Philippines)
2. Koda Kumi (Japan) - Ramiele needs a particular look in order to work. Koda is more flexible.
ROUND 3 (Sweet 16)
NORTH (Europe)
8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine) - There's no question that Keeley has the better body. People overlook how ordinary her face is. Aly brings me joy.
4. Keeley Hazell (England)
6. Lucy Pinder (England) - Keepin' it real here. Kim's face is flawed. Lucy doesn't have bad days.
2. Kim Kardashian (Armenia)
SOUTH (Latin America)
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - She is a deadly combo of being both a cute and a sexy girl, and it's not just in the retouched pics.
4. Adriana Lima (Brazil)
14. Belén Rodríguez (Argentina)
10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina) - Both of these Argentine babes bring the goods. It's a really tough decision. Ultimately, Rocío offers more sex appeal.
WEST (North America)
8. Lanny Barby (Canada)
4. Stacy Keibler (USA) - Once again, when a girl never looks bad, you have to stick with her.
3. Ashley Tisdale (USA)
10. Raven Riley (Native American) - End of the road, sweetheart. Ashley's looks change too much. Raven at her worst still looks good.
EAST (Asia)
9. Ayesha Takia (India) - India is steamrolling through Asia. Ayesha continues to impress. She has no major flaws.
12. Aarti Chhabria (India)
3. Sunny Leone (India) - Koda gets blowed out here. She maxed out in the Cutie Honey video. Sunny ensures complete Indian domination in the East.
2. Koda Kumi (Japan)
ROUND 4 (Elite 8)
NORTH (Europe)
8. Alyson Michalka (Ukraine)
6. Lucy Pinder (England) - I'm happy with this Elite 8. All tough decisions. Lucy's tits destroy Aly's, but I was still considering Aly very carefully here. Eventually, I decided Aly's minorly imperfect face costs her against Lucy's total package.
SOUTH (Latin America)
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - At first, I thought Melina was all retouch. But, when she dolls up, she really is that amazing. I had a strong first impression of Rocío, but she's a bit too plain.
10. Rocío Guirao Díaz (Argentina)
WEST (North America)
4. Stacy Keibler (USA)
10. Raven Riley (Native American) - It's good that these girls don't have bad days. Stacy, however, does have ordinary days. Raven looks the same all the time: sexy.
EAST (Asia)
9. Ayesha Takia (India)
3. Sunny Leone (India) - Ayesha had a good run. She can't compete with Sunny, though. The difference in sexiness is apparent.
ROUND 5 (Final 4)
NORTH (Europe) vs. SOUTH (Latin America)
6. Lucy Pinder (England)
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina) - It was a really tough choice again. Lucy is extremely pretty. But, without the tits, she's similar to Stacy Keibler in her ordinariness. Melina is sort of like what Ashley Tisdale would be as a supermodel.
WEST (North America) vs. EAST (Asia)
10. Raven Riley (Native American)
3. Sunny Leone (India) - Raven is competitive here. She just doesn't have the goods that Sunny does.
ROUND 6 (Championship)
WORLD CUP
16. Melina Pitra (Argentina)
3. Sunny Leone (India) - Argentina vs. India is my ideal final matchup. We also have blonde vs. raven hair. Take a look at Melina's best look and
. Both are marvelous. But, with Melina, I have a little bit of doubt. With Sunny, I have no doubt. India plays to win. Her prize is that she replaces Ashley Tisdale as my desktop background.
Miss Cromartie Tournament III will drop soon after Selena, Demi, and Miley are eligible.
Hello TSM. How are you? Are you comfortable? May I offer you a beverage?
Anyways, things are alright. Classes are alright (I'm taling a class on Satire, which seems like it's going to be great) and it's snowing. Actually, it's jst snow on the ground at the moment. Anywho, it's been largely uneventful lately. Ortonsault hates me (fine, I'll shut up about Leena), and I'm about to lose to 909 in the Best poster tournament round 1 (at least I'm up against a good poster.)
Oh well.
I have class a feature story writing class at 8:30 in the morning now, so I'm pretty tired just about all the time at the moment. I have a roomate too now, though I lucked out this time, as he's a good guy (and a fellow H.P. Lovecraft fan)-oh, and he works part time as an Indy Wrestler. This is the second guy I've known who works part time for Indy promotions.
And that's what's up with my world. Hope you're happy TSM.
I never thought I'd say this again, but you guys really ARE the Party of small(er) government. Of course that's not saying much.
I'm torn. On one hand I'm sure President Hussein could be bracing us for his New Deal/Great Society/Euro-Welfare-State, but on the other hand this could be a great strategy to make future deficits look good. "See, it could have been $1 trillion, but now it's just $700 billion." Mad props, yo. And lol on the "tighter fiscal discipline" crack.
9 p.m.
• So the better half decided to get a hobby and started reading those stupid Twilight books. Vegetarian vampires -- WTF? Since when does drinking animal blood instead of human blood constitute going vegan? Wouldn't a vampire have to drink chlorophyll or something?
Oh there's no way in hell I'm ending today's entry like this. ... OK, here we go.
Over in the draft folder there is a dinosaur draft going on. Now as I've stated before, I was all about the dinos back in the day. Why didn't I take part in this draft? Two reasons. 1) I don't post nearly as often as I once did here, which I guess is a good thing. It's not like I'm helping out in soup kitchens with this "free" time; I'm just wasting my life doing other meaningless things. How the hell did real men that built the foundation of this country do it? Manually constructing railroads, storming Normandy -- yikes. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Dino Draft.
My second reason is that I knew my top lizard would be taken before I had a chance to snatch him up, and I was right. I know it's petty, but there's no way I can participate in any kind of Dino function without my dawg the Triceratops. So, much like my pseudo-basketball draft, I will make my own draft. Unlike the b-ball experience, I'm not going to care if my other dinosaurs were already picked. How many rounds is this draft? Dunno. Let's just go with five.
Round 1: Triceratops.
My n*gga. Two long horns plus the mini third; by far my favorite dinosaur. I'd like to say how many replicas of this guy I had but I can't. No, I'm not embarrassed by the number -- I simply can't remember them all.
Round 2: Styracosaurus
I always liked the fancy horns jetting out from his shell. Not enough to pick him over the Triceratops, though.
Round 3: Monoclonius
The opposite of the Styracosaurus, I think this guy would be bad-ass due to the fact he only had one horn as compared to most of his counterparts and would have a chip on his shoulder.
Round 4: Protoceratops
Now we're going with NO horns. Sure he'd be in trouble with large predators, but his stomping ground was in the desert. In just about every illustration I've seen him in he was always going after scrawny two-legged egg-stealers -- should I be saying "she" instead of "he" in this case?
Are we detecting a trend here?
Those were my four favorite creatures from the Ceratopsian family. I really don't have anyone for the final round. I guess I'll go with another herbivore.
Round 5: Ankylosaurus
As if it isn't obvious that I'm a freak, here's some more evidence. I remember the wall-length poster that Ankylosaurus image is a part of. It was a timeline of sorts showing all the prehistoric eras. Damn was that one big-ass poster.
I am holding my own worst poster tournament. Read that description again. Worst. Poster. Not the poster whom I hate the most. Not the poster who is the most sexist or racist. We're talking about the quality of the content of their posts: intelligence, creativity, correctness, and tone. They are judged based on all of their posts, not just the examples I offer. The eight seeds are
1. MarvinisaLunatic
2. Shooter in a Wedding Dress
3. SuperJerk
4. gary floyd
5. Matt Young
6. kkktookmybabyaway
7. NYU
8. Slayer.
QUARTER-FINALS
1. MarvinisaLunatic vs. 8. Slayer
Typical MarvinisaLunatic post:
Marvin is so dumb that he thought Igor Panarin was ripping off Glenn Beck when Glenn Beck was talking Igor Panarin's prediction.
Typical Slayer post:
Quintessential Slayer, right there.
Winner: MarvinisaLunatic.
4. gary floyd vs. 5. Matt Young
Typical gary floyd post:
"In fact, nobody likes it when you post. Just stop posting. Nobody will miss you."
Typical Matt Young post:
That post has to be the unintentional comedy post of the year.
Winner: Matt Young.
3. SuperJerk vs. 6. kkktookmybabyaway
Typical SuperJerk posts:
You called yourself "fucking awesome" before the primaries started. Romney outperformed Huckabee.
Again, you're trying to show off and get compliments about how 'right' you are. Your map had Obama winning Louisiana and West Virginia while losing New Mexico and Colorado. It was laughable.
Typical kkktookmybabyaway post:
You're a whiny fuckhead who actually changes quoted text to read 'Osama' instead of 'Obama.' I personally hate you.
Winner: SuperJerk.
2. Shooter in a Wedding Dress vs. 7. NYU
Typical Shooter in a Wedding Dress post:
"Ugh, shut up."
Typical NYU post:
He's got that New York attitude. One time, when I was on Wikipedia, I read an edit summary and thought to myself, "That guy sounds like he's from New York." I clicked on his username and saw that, yes, he was from New York.
Winner: NYU.
SEMI-FINALS
1. MarvinisaLunatic vs. 5. Matt Young
Typical MarvinisaLunatic post:
Either you go anyway (the ideal), or you make sure that you can schedule it for another night. Dumb.
Typical Matt Young post:
He was a bit stressed at the time of this post.
Winner: MarvinisaLunatic.
3. SuperJerk vs. 7. NYU
Typical SuperJerk post:
This line was the tipping point in that 'hot for teacher' thread.
Typical NYU post:
A complete misunderstanding of the situation. A volunteer made an error, and this picture refutes the "from afar" nonsense. (We know that he cares about Muslims because he really is one, right kkk?)
Winner: SuperJerk
CHAMPIONSHIP
1. MarvinisaLunatic vs. 3. SuperJerk
Typical MarvinisaLunatic post:
Pathetic and self-defeating.
Typical SuperJerk posts:
In an attempt to make yourself look cool, you derailed the most intellectual thread in the Current Events folder instead of contributing intelligently to it.
Winner and Champion: SuperJerk. He has it all: unthoughtful, an undeserved sense of superiority, the "ugh, shut up" factor, unoriginal, partisan, unfunny, and pathetic. Congratulations!
Bonus: ratings.
1. MarvinisaLunatic 1/10
2. Shooter in a Wedding Dress 3/10
3. SuperJerk 1/10
4. gary floyd 4/10
5. Matt Young 2/10
6. kkktookmybabyaway 4/10
7. NYU 3/10
8. Slayer 3/10
